Freaked Out

You know, the whole texting thing is hard.  Come unexpectedly.  I get no warning.  I've asked that he use email. I feel like a nitpicky witch.....like I"m being  inconsiderate.  But he sets me up.  Waits until the last minute.  I was having a good time out.  The text came and it changed everything.  My head started hurting again.  My heart was racing.  Coming home became not a pleasure because he had been here and was going to be back.  I'm stressed out.  Can't believe  how little it takes to make me panic.  Have an anxiety attack.  And I know that it's stupid.  But I can't make it stop.
Shoot.  They're back.  He's getting out.  I can't tell him not to come in when the kids are around.  He knows that.  Now they are doing the well pump.  I just need him to go home.  I would rather pay through the nose to have someone do it.  I can hardly get my breath.  Want to cry.  Frozen in this chair.  Hoping that he doesn't know that I'm here.  But I guess he will since my son is home.
Man.....how can this part be SO hard?  I've been conditioned.  I don't know how to change it without just living through it each time...until I finally have back my own "power".  My own rights.
He uses every little thing to have an in.  to need to contact me.  To show me how nice he is being.  But he's not.  I asked for emails.  He texts.   I asked for time.  Here he is.  There is not respect.  I already knew this.  But it's hard when I'm working so hard on letting my guard down.  On relaxing.  It's like getting sucker punched.
Ok.  Guess I can be done whining now.  At least there's a place to do it.
blessings.