Most probably think that this is just my griping place. My dump. And...honestly, it IS that. But not just for me. It is here because I know what it feels like to search for someone who understands the ups and downs and crazies. I know how it feels to be told by church folks that God hates divorce....and to hate it myself...and yet to die a little inside knowing that I'm just not going to make it. I know how it feels to pray to be the kind and considerate wife...to put her husband above herself (snort, bad image) and to want to BE the godly, loving, forgiving wife. My prayers were not for him to change. But for me to adapt. To be content with what was. Lots of time has gone by. Many years of a broken heart. Of knowing that something just wasn't quite right but not being able to put my finger on it. And maybe I still don't get it all. I'm pretty sure of that.
But that's why I write this...so that others can go with me and hear how it really feels. In all honesty with no mass or cover ups. You'll note that for all of the people who read....none join. Being associated with this kind of thing feels icky. Because we are used to keeping the icky all hidden away. Good christian families at church. I've seen them. I've BEEN them. But in my case, it was at great cost. More than I should have paid.
And I want others to know that they are not alone. That they are the beloved of the One who crafted them so adoringly. Who calls them by name. I want those who read to glimpse that the pit does not hold us. That we are going THROUGH...not TO this horrible place.
I want to give hope by showing how incredibly weak and scared and unable and questioning I am...so that they....YOU... can see HIM. Because He is made absolutely known by being so perfect in my every weakness. His glory is shown in how He carries, sustains and enables. Through REAL stuff. With REAL feelings. And REAL hopes.
My faith....it's always there like an underlying floorboard. It's where I step without even realizing it. The thing that holds me up. But, I can't say that I'm very religious. I'm all about this beautiful love relationship in which I get to BE the beloved. It heals me in the deepest place. Even while I'm still going THROUGH.
You remain in my prayers. On my heart. I am driven to my computer. To share with you. To let you see me at my very worst....to hear me rant the things nobody wants to say aloud....to see me struggle....to see me hope and dream....to see me still believe......because HE needs you to know. You are BELOVED. Today. No matter what you are thinking or feeling. Hey, I used to just wish that he wouldn't make it home.....in case you haven't read that portion. Not because I wanted bad for him, but because I was scared and stuck and nothing I did or prayed for or asked for made any difference at all.
It turns out....I wasn't stuck. I was making a choice. I don't advocate divorce. I advocate doing what it takes to live a genuine, committed, fulfilling, giving, abundant life....hopefully within the marriage. But if God needs to get me out of the way to do some things, then this is just a new chapter.
love to you. from me. from Him. He adores you. Really.
blessings.
But that's why I write this...so that others can go with me and hear how it really feels. In all honesty with no mass or cover ups. You'll note that for all of the people who read....none join. Being associated with this kind of thing feels icky. Because we are used to keeping the icky all hidden away. Good christian families at church. I've seen them. I've BEEN them. But in my case, it was at great cost. More than I should have paid.
And I want others to know that they are not alone. That they are the beloved of the One who crafted them so adoringly. Who calls them by name. I want those who read to glimpse that the pit does not hold us. That we are going THROUGH...not TO this horrible place.
I want to give hope by showing how incredibly weak and scared and unable and questioning I am...so that they....YOU... can see HIM. Because He is made absolutely known by being so perfect in my every weakness. His glory is shown in how He carries, sustains and enables. Through REAL stuff. With REAL feelings. And REAL hopes.
My faith....it's always there like an underlying floorboard. It's where I step without even realizing it. The thing that holds me up. But, I can't say that I'm very religious. I'm all about this beautiful love relationship in which I get to BE the beloved. It heals me in the deepest place. Even while I'm still going THROUGH.
You remain in my prayers. On my heart. I am driven to my computer. To share with you. To let you see me at my very worst....to hear me rant the things nobody wants to say aloud....to see me struggle....to see me hope and dream....to see me still believe......because HE needs you to know. You are BELOVED. Today. No matter what you are thinking or feeling. Hey, I used to just wish that he wouldn't make it home.....in case you haven't read that portion. Not because I wanted bad for him, but because I was scared and stuck and nothing I did or prayed for or asked for made any difference at all.
It turns out....I wasn't stuck. I was making a choice. I don't advocate divorce. I advocate doing what it takes to live a genuine, committed, fulfilling, giving, abundant life....hopefully within the marriage. But if God needs to get me out of the way to do some things, then this is just a new chapter.
love to you. from me. from Him. He adores you. Really.
blessings.
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