I have gone through lots of phases. For quite awhile, I asked myself how I possibly had allowed such things to happen. I also asked how come I wasn't good enough or important enough to love in a different way...yeah, I know, good at that self blame. I also asked the all common why. And I asked who it is that he could actually love. For real. Without having to "try". Not that trying doesn't occur some of the time, but there has to be some part that is simply a pleasure.
But those questions are fading. They sneak into my thoughts sometimes. I still want to know, "but, what is wrong with me?" But overall, they have been REPLACED. By this all consuming question that keeps driving me. The question is, "who is God in my life?" I mean, really. Not what you read in books or even in THE book. I mean, for real. When I'm laying on my bed sobbing my heart out. Or standing on a chair singing at the top of my lungs. Yes, I know, I've spent too much time alone this last couple of weeks. My dogs think so too. They don't like when I make noises or talk out loud unless it's to say, "let's go for a ride." Who is God when I'm looking through all of these pictures. When I'm really really angry. And horribly sad. And feel totally like not a soul in this entire world gets it. And that it doesn't do any good to explain anything because it just makes me look.....petty. (but, i'm not petty. i am nice. i was nice to him.....too bad it didn't help.) Anyway, I digress. WHO IS GOD IN MY LIFE? Not as some religious entity. Not as some super christian with a philosophy of theology. Not anything that I'll find in any book. Really. When I wake up. When I lie down. When I drive. When I move. When I can't move. Who is He?
And the most marvelous thing began to happen. I realized slowly that He is my base. My home. My safety. My power. My hope. My joy. He fills me. He is plenty. He is a daddy. My daddy. My husband. My comfort. No, these aren't coming from reading. These are coming from my SOUL. From the depths of what I have come to learn about me. He's not these things because I spend hours deciphering what Leviticus means or learning the history of the Jews. He's not these things because I deserve it or could ever deserve it. He's this because one night long ago, I saw how wretchedly alone I was in the world. Just a tiny elementary schooler. No mama even then. Not many friends at that point either. Dad and stepmom never around. Babysitters. Neighbors who talked because my father had DIVORCED. I was rather ostracized. Nobody to count on. My stepmom had told me if anyone bothered me to let her know. I did. She told me to not be a cry baby. That I had to handle it. So...ok then. But then I went to christian camp. And on my bed, late at night, I met Jesus. I felt him like a physical presence. And I just talked to Him. I told Him that I would not make it without Him. Life was too hard....I had turned 7. Wow. That I was lonely. Scared. And He came into me. Don't know how. Don't care. Don't need to prove it or explain it. I KNOW it. And He has changed my life. Ups and downs. Fears and failures. But He has never left. I've yelled at Him. Cried with Him. Turned away from Him. Listened to Him. Ignored Him. Worshiped Him. But nothing I have done has changed what He promised that night...that He would never leave me. Ever. Period. So, He is everything. When I am all done, finished, tapped out.....I can last still because He is able. Always. And He leads me. Not always in ways that I comprehend.
He's the floor I stand on. The chair I sit in. The bed I sleep in. He's the reason that I can get up and totally the reason that I can smile and get moving. He makes my life worth living. Every day.
And while I am having to learn everything all over again...like being a stroke victim....the one thing that calms me, comforts me, keeps me....is the base rock knowledge that He is there. In me. Me in Him. How...still don't know. Still don't care. Just is. Good enough for me.
And I remember all of the years of trying to please Him. Of trying to do what everyone says you need to do. Seven Minutes with God. Master Life. BSU. The Bible In a Year. Praying through Proverbs. How to Pray for Your Husband. Intimate Issues....just through that one in because again, I was trying to please my husband. But, what I finally remembered is that He is already pleased with me. Yep. Just like this. Here in my pj's. With my head pounding from these dumb shingles!! Pleased. He is my self esteem. When I talk about myself it's with the vision of Me in Him..never me just on my own.
I hope that you have realized or soon realize that He did everything to tell you that He loves you. And all He wants is to get to love on you for all of your life and help you to be exactly the person He made. It sure is a lot less painful when being who we are instead of who a whole group of people say we need to be.
I am blessed.
blessings.
But those questions are fading. They sneak into my thoughts sometimes. I still want to know, "but, what is wrong with me?" But overall, they have been REPLACED. By this all consuming question that keeps driving me. The question is, "who is God in my life?" I mean, really. Not what you read in books or even in THE book. I mean, for real. When I'm laying on my bed sobbing my heart out. Or standing on a chair singing at the top of my lungs. Yes, I know, I've spent too much time alone this last couple of weeks. My dogs think so too. They don't like when I make noises or talk out loud unless it's to say, "let's go for a ride." Who is God when I'm looking through all of these pictures. When I'm really really angry. And horribly sad. And feel totally like not a soul in this entire world gets it. And that it doesn't do any good to explain anything because it just makes me look.....petty. (but, i'm not petty. i am nice. i was nice to him.....too bad it didn't help.) Anyway, I digress. WHO IS GOD IN MY LIFE? Not as some religious entity. Not as some super christian with a philosophy of theology. Not anything that I'll find in any book. Really. When I wake up. When I lie down. When I drive. When I move. When I can't move. Who is He?
And the most marvelous thing began to happen. I realized slowly that He is my base. My home. My safety. My power. My hope. My joy. He fills me. He is plenty. He is a daddy. My daddy. My husband. My comfort. No, these aren't coming from reading. These are coming from my SOUL. From the depths of what I have come to learn about me. He's not these things because I spend hours deciphering what Leviticus means or learning the history of the Jews. He's not these things because I deserve it or could ever deserve it. He's this because one night long ago, I saw how wretchedly alone I was in the world. Just a tiny elementary schooler. No mama even then. Not many friends at that point either. Dad and stepmom never around. Babysitters. Neighbors who talked because my father had DIVORCED. I was rather ostracized. Nobody to count on. My stepmom had told me if anyone bothered me to let her know. I did. She told me to not be a cry baby. That I had to handle it. So...ok then. But then I went to christian camp. And on my bed, late at night, I met Jesus. I felt him like a physical presence. And I just talked to Him. I told Him that I would not make it without Him. Life was too hard....I had turned 7. Wow. That I was lonely. Scared. And He came into me. Don't know how. Don't care. Don't need to prove it or explain it. I KNOW it. And He has changed my life. Ups and downs. Fears and failures. But He has never left. I've yelled at Him. Cried with Him. Turned away from Him. Listened to Him. Ignored Him. Worshiped Him. But nothing I have done has changed what He promised that night...that He would never leave me. Ever. Period. So, He is everything. When I am all done, finished, tapped out.....I can last still because He is able. Always. And He leads me. Not always in ways that I comprehend.
He's the floor I stand on. The chair I sit in. The bed I sleep in. He's the reason that I can get up and totally the reason that I can smile and get moving. He makes my life worth living. Every day.
And while I am having to learn everything all over again...like being a stroke victim....the one thing that calms me, comforts me, keeps me....is the base rock knowledge that He is there. In me. Me in Him. How...still don't know. Still don't care. Just is. Good enough for me.
And I remember all of the years of trying to please Him. Of trying to do what everyone says you need to do. Seven Minutes with God. Master Life. BSU. The Bible In a Year. Praying through Proverbs. How to Pray for Your Husband. Intimate Issues....just through that one in because again, I was trying to please my husband. But, what I finally remembered is that He is already pleased with me. Yep. Just like this. Here in my pj's. With my head pounding from these dumb shingles!! Pleased. He is my self esteem. When I talk about myself it's with the vision of Me in Him..never me just on my own.
I hope that you have realized or soon realize that He did everything to tell you that He loves you. And all He wants is to get to love on you for all of your life and help you to be exactly the person He made. It sure is a lot less painful when being who we are instead of who a whole group of people say we need to be.
I am blessed.
blessings.
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