Emotions go through hyper speed these days as I learn to find a middle ground. Anger to defeat to joy to rage to ecstatic to hurt to troubled....on and on and round and round. Part of still grieving.
But this thing is happening that I am noticing. I am learning to be more confident. And it reminds me of who my friends of the past say I was. I've never been popular or very outgoing, but I was confident. And that is returning. Part of that comes from releasing the idea that I have to or will be able to have any say in what he does or thinks or wants...and learning that it doesn't have to affect me. To some degree, it does right now because we are still dividing things up and the emails have been long and hard. But, I am saying what I need to say. And then....learning to let it go.
I will be cared for. I am being cared for. And that's not going to change. God has it. He gives me abilities, ideas, hopes and dreams. He gives me surprises. He will make good on caring for my family. He will guide. He will be God. I get an easy job. I get to follow. Though...sometimes.....not so easy.
It's a new day. Following another hard night. Those night emails crush my heart. I had to re-read today. In order to respond and all. And what I realized is that they make me so nuts because on one hand, he says how he wants to help take care...but always explains why he can't right now or how he'll have to put it off. Seriously, he can't break up his payment to Discover Card, but he finds it easy to tell me that he will have to spread out paying for our son's airline ticket over months...if he pays half, it's less than $70. Really? And it also bothers me that he says that he only has a certain amount in the bank when he has more than twice that. AND gets paid this week. AND gets paid again right after the first of the month. But all he does is let me know how he took this cheap place to live so that he can meet his obligations. How he is being responsible so that we can live our lifestyle. Good....I hope that he gives me the investment money I asked him for to pay for the taxes.
It's a new day. In more than one way. I am learning. Painfully and like walking through mud...but I am learning. He has nothing to hold over me. He isn't in charge of my salvation. He doesn't get to choose if I stay with him. He doesn't get a room in my head and heart anymore. Though, it's a little hard getting his stuff moved out.;)
A new day. For new blessings. New gifts. New learning. New listening. I have to learn to actively forgive. I am learning, actually. Moment by moment. And I'm also learning how to purposefully relax. It has not been a part of me on a daily basis for so long. I lived for those vacations without him for that. Now...I'm having to re-boot. And am doing so. By the power and grace of God. Because I don't have to be my own strength. I don't have to fight my own battles. I don't have to show my own power. I don't have to provide for my own self. When He said, "it is finished" it meant so much. He finished my salvation. His grace reaches to every aspect of my heart and life. I have nothing to fear. I have spent too long living in fear with the one who was supposed to show me God's love....instead, he tried to use the power of religion. And I still don't understand how I allowed this. I spoke. I argued. For a time. But just as the terrain erodes over time...I did too eventually. Until I could barely sense who I was made to be. But sense it I did. By God's strength and power and grace. And in that is where I am going to live. Because He does not take away from who He made me to be...He just helps take away all of the things that hinder that.
A new day. With new faithfulness. New provision. New hope. Today ..........anything can happen. That's where I need to look. Up.
blessings.
But this thing is happening that I am noticing. I am learning to be more confident. And it reminds me of who my friends of the past say I was. I've never been popular or very outgoing, but I was confident. And that is returning. Part of that comes from releasing the idea that I have to or will be able to have any say in what he does or thinks or wants...and learning that it doesn't have to affect me. To some degree, it does right now because we are still dividing things up and the emails have been long and hard. But, I am saying what I need to say. And then....learning to let it go.
I will be cared for. I am being cared for. And that's not going to change. God has it. He gives me abilities, ideas, hopes and dreams. He gives me surprises. He will make good on caring for my family. He will guide. He will be God. I get an easy job. I get to follow. Though...sometimes.....not so easy.
It's a new day. Following another hard night. Those night emails crush my heart. I had to re-read today. In order to respond and all. And what I realized is that they make me so nuts because on one hand, he says how he wants to help take care...but always explains why he can't right now or how he'll have to put it off. Seriously, he can't break up his payment to Discover Card, but he finds it easy to tell me that he will have to spread out paying for our son's airline ticket over months...if he pays half, it's less than $70. Really? And it also bothers me that he says that he only has a certain amount in the bank when he has more than twice that. AND gets paid this week. AND gets paid again right after the first of the month. But all he does is let me know how he took this cheap place to live so that he can meet his obligations. How he is being responsible so that we can live our lifestyle. Good....I hope that he gives me the investment money I asked him for to pay for the taxes.
It's a new day. In more than one way. I am learning. Painfully and like walking through mud...but I am learning. He has nothing to hold over me. He isn't in charge of my salvation. He doesn't get to choose if I stay with him. He doesn't get a room in my head and heart anymore. Though, it's a little hard getting his stuff moved out.;)
A new day. For new blessings. New gifts. New learning. New listening. I have to learn to actively forgive. I am learning, actually. Moment by moment. And I'm also learning how to purposefully relax. It has not been a part of me on a daily basis for so long. I lived for those vacations without him for that. Now...I'm having to re-boot. And am doing so. By the power and grace of God. Because I don't have to be my own strength. I don't have to fight my own battles. I don't have to show my own power. I don't have to provide for my own self. When He said, "it is finished" it meant so much. He finished my salvation. His grace reaches to every aspect of my heart and life. I have nothing to fear. I have spent too long living in fear with the one who was supposed to show me God's love....instead, he tried to use the power of religion. And I still don't understand how I allowed this. I spoke. I argued. For a time. But just as the terrain erodes over time...I did too eventually. Until I could barely sense who I was made to be. But sense it I did. By God's strength and power and grace. And in that is where I am going to live. Because He does not take away from who He made me to be...He just helps take away all of the things that hinder that.
A new day. With new faithfulness. New provision. New hope. Today ..........anything can happen. That's where I need to look. Up.
blessings.
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