moments

life is made up of each little moment.  and they stack up.  i'm trying to learn to make good ones.  i am struggling these days.  i am so done with dealing with him.
but it's like it never ends. 
however, there is so much good.  i worry about why i'm so tired.  never talk about it.  but it frightens me.
and this week i have had pain that he caused...physically.  and it took me awhile to realize why it was bothering me so much.  finally i got that it reminded me of having to perform to make him happy.  that he treated me not like i was special.  and i felt...like a prostitute.  made me sad.  but, at least i finally realized it.
but i wonder why my body hurts so much and why i'm so dearly tired.  i'm going to have to be more healthy.  gotta do all i can.  gotta be there for these kids.
blessings.

Whining....I'm done....for now

I think that I'm done whining for now.  I have so much good in my life.  So much beauty.  Just sometimes have to spew out the painful parts.  Like having a virus.  Gotta get rid of the yuck to feel better.  Much like a stomach virus....kinda weird.
I have work to do.  A life to live.  I can't control one person or one relationship. I can't even control what I feel.  So, it's time to get moving again.  Quit wallowing.  Though, some wallowing is necessary now and then.
I will try to be my upbeat self.  I like her.  She is fun to be with.  She just feels like she got a crappy deal and that nobody really gets it.  They just think that she'll just keep on going because that's what she does.  The thing is....she will!!!  I love that about her.  My beautiful, complex, completely different self.  I really like her.  And I get so very weary of trying and hoping for others to like her how she is and now how they feel she should be. 
I think that she should come out and stay out.  But...she's an introvert and retreats easily.  She sends out her facade to take the heat or make the small talk. 
Perhaps one day I'll know how to do it better. 
But for now...I'm going to celebrate the little growths.  I'm going to be joyful.  I'm going to glory in my work.  I'm going to get a bed.  And I'M GOING TO FIGURE OUT WHERE TO PUT IT!!!
blessings.

Where to put the bed

You know, I keep thinking that some things won't matter anymore...eventually...like where to put the bed.  But as of now, it still does.  We used to share this room but what seems nearly harder for me is that it was his .for a year or more. I struggle not intentionally.  Not by overthinking it....but with my emotions when I begin to think of how to do my room.  I need something different.  I need a peaceful room.  I can't even make it clean.  It's as if I'm frozen.  Trying.  Doing some things.  Just held back by the ropes of sadness and hurt that are associated.  I need good sleep...and I get much better sleep than I used to.  But, the little cot is little. ;)  I am not so sure that I will ever be completely relaxed in this room....but maybe so.  Maybe it will be just fine.
Someday.  Eventually.  I can't rush it.  I can't just decide.  I try.  But my emotions remind me of a wound...they heal over time and though I can take care of them and keep them clean and try not to injure them again, I cannot will them to heal. 
So, when "where to put the bed" is a painful, troublesome thing, it makes everything so hard.  I know that I need to do a great cleaning.  And I know that I will bawl.  Be troubled.  And I have so many other things to do.  So, I put it off.  I get past it and go in the closet. But not enough to keep it nicely.  I am going to need to purge a lot of things around my house in time, I think.  But, seems hard on my kids right now.  Not to mention my budget.
The good news about working so hard at work is that I don't have time to focus on these silly, painful things.  I know that they are silly.  Nonetheless, I still feel them.  I don't want to.  I want to go on.  But he hurt me.  Deeply.  And I'm learning about me through this.  So, I must take the time.  I must walk through this.  It's a part of moving on. 
I have very kind friends.  Dear people.  That is good.  And though I need to be careful around them, at least I still have a place to be loved.
My stepmom is going to remain friends with both of us.  That's what I figured.  And it seems petty to try to explain to anyone how painful that is.  That everyone sits on the fence.  Work friends are good in that I don't have to work at making small talk because we have  a common topic already.  Church is hard to make new friends right now because I just don't have that energy in me.  And I am always associated with the guy who sings in choir. 
I need to learn to put my room together.  Kinda like a metaphor for putting my life together.  In a healthy organized way.  I trust that it will happen.  In time.  I found a canopy bed for sale at a local thrift.  Maybe I'd like that......Just need to let me heal.  In the time it takes.  Without the pressure of making it easier for others. 
I do have joy.  I do have dreams.  I do have hope.  Those things have sprung to life.  And though there is pain in this time, I know that pain is a part of healing.
I have only one regret...that I didn't divorce him.  Sad, huh?  Yeah, I know.
blessings.

Overwhelmed

I am learning that most of my tough emotions come from being overwhelmed.  I do so much now.  It used to be the kids and I.  They also knew how to keep their dad happier....we cleaned and such.  Now, it's like they are taking a breath.  And, for the most part, I am letting them.  I love when they help.  I just don't want to push them.  I just want to let them breathe a bit.
I have a hard time though.  Because I work so hard, have to do the house, cook the meals.  It's not having the ex gone, it's the change in the kids.  They are breathing.  They need to know that they don't have to earn my love.  I am getting that.  But.....for me....it's meaning a lot of stuff with a new job to go with it all.
I went to a friend's house tonight to drop off some stuff.  Not to stay.  I feel awkward because she had already said that she had cleaning planned.  I kept her from it.  She is hospitable.  But the thing was that I could barely push myself back out the door.  I just wanted to go to sleep and be cared for. 
I don't have anyone to  do that.  However, alone isn't too bad.  I am tired.  It's not a big deal.  It's just that she is that kind of person that makes people relaxed.  But, I am really working on being a more sensitive friend.  Not self centered.  It's hard.  Because my needs are so big these days.
Yet God keeps carrying me.  I know why He made the body, but I also know why He says that He's enough.  There in the lonely nights.  Love that.
Though I have pain.....in the midst of it is this undying joy.
blessings.

Say What I Need

I work so much harder than ever to say what I need.  To express what is in my heart and how I need to be with people who help my heart.  But, what I'm learning time and again is that both parties get to express their need.  And somehow, my needy times always coincide with others needing something else.  So, I have to continually stuff back those feelings.  Find an outlet that is differnt.  It's really hard.  Harder than I ever imagined. 
So many nice people in the world.  Yet, on days like today, when my heart just needs bolstering, it seems that there are two scenarios...both of which have happened.  Get together and talk about the other person and their needs and feelings.  Or, conversely, no time to get together.  And for either, I can't really blame them.  I'm way too needy.  Kinda a pain in the rear.
But the truth is that even though I completely understand it, I still have needs.  I still just wish that it could be different.  And it makes me wish that I were different.  Because I don't get how some people can be totally needy and just show up and it is fine to be needy.  How some seemn to be allowed to be always needing.  That it's ok. 
I just still feel invisible.  I began looking at homes at the beach again today.  It hurts to realize that maybe I just need to start over.  That it's too hard on people to be my deeper friend while knowing him.  They really don't want to hear.  It's too painful.  I get it.  It doesn't stop my tears.  But at least I am able to not guilt them anymore.
Guess what I am trying to learn the most is to tell myself what I need.  And even when I can't get it, to not tell myself that there is something wrong with me.  I lived with that for so long that it's hard not to fall into those feelings.  Hard to maintain my sense of value.  Of being precious.  I feel....faulty.  As if there is something simply wrong with me for wanting to be hugged tightly or comforted.  I just feel.....invisible.
I should just work around the house and get over it I know.  But the ache is debilitating sometimes.  Maybe that's why I am suddenly wanting a bigger bed.  So that I can stay in it longer.  Kinda tired of trying right now.  Weary.  Love so much in my life and yet feel like I've lost the important parts.  Like I'm visible to those who are work related and completely not to those who I've known for so long.  He wins.  Period.  More popular, more charismatic, more outgoing. 
Somehow it seems like because I wanted this that people don't understand how much I am dealing with from what I lived through.  From trying to survive.  Everything is just supposed to be hunky dory for me now.
Siiiggghhhh.
I am just so.....tired of doing that thing they say you are supposed to do....be vulnerable, say what you need, reach out....blah blah blah.  It's too painful because really, it doesn't seem to work for me.  Maybe I'm broken.

Mama Pride

I love my kids.  And beyond that, I'm so proud of the people that they are...and are becoming.  I see so much potential.  So much hope.  So much....light.  So much Jesus in them.  They teach me what it means to really love.  They show me how much it matters to be kind.  I adore them with a fierce loyalty.  They make life full of potential.  They make dreams worth dreaming.  Even when they are grown.  Because I want to be a woman that they can look to.  Not who has it all together.  Not who is simply the boss.  But rather, someone who is learning to humbly accept that we can't control life.  That God is sufficient.  That life is a gift to be savored and soaked in.  That joy is supposed to be our inheritance. 
I am so proud of them.  Stepping up and doing what they need to.  And learning how to deal with hard things.
My kids are wonderful for who they are, but they are also wonderful for who they make me want to be.  That touches me.  They have changed me.
I'm glad that I lived a life that brought them into being.  Yes, I'm glad that I married and had them.  Though I'm also glad to not be married now.  Life is so complex.  No easy answers. 
I guess that the biggest reason that I am glad that I'm not married now is that I didn't like the woman I was becoming....the mom...the example.  I didn't like the hopelessness that I had accepted as a part of my "lot". 
I have lots of mama pride.  Not because they perform.....because they are.
blessings.

Changes

My son is going to drive my other kids to school today.  I feel nervous...not because of his driving, but because they are the most precious "things" I have.  Not because something might happen to my car...it's a car.  But they are the light in my little world.  Full of so much hope and kindness.  I want more time to be a better mom to them.  To show them how dear they are.
So, I will pray and let go on this rainy, cool morning.
I will let them do the things that they need to do.
I will let go physically, but I will pray and be connected to them.  For they are the meaning of this life God gave me.  If nothing else, they were created and are a force of good and change in their world. 
So, we will all take a deep breath....and do what we are meant to do today.
blessings.

Evaluating

I am finally in a safe place in life.  A place where it's ok not to have it together.  Not to have it figured out.  Not to be afraid of failing.  I spent so many years squelched.  Squished.  Expected to.....so many things.  I never felt free to fail.  Nor to evaluate in order to do better.  It's as if I was expected to keep on running and never figure out which direction I actually wanted to choose.
But now...I DO get to choose.  And while it has been kind of painful,  enough so that I haven't spoken nor written of it until now, I have found the ability to evaluate.  Who I am.  Who I want to be.  What kind of mom I am.  What kind I want to be.  What kind of employee I am.  What kind I want to be.  What kind of friend I am.  What kind I want to be.  It's all a bit painful actually.  Seeing reality and not what I wish I was.  Being painfully honest with me.  In the quietness of my self.  Finding that it's ok.  It's safe not to have it together.  God doesn't mind.  He's got plans for me.  And He loves me right where I am.
I have so far to go that I'm thinking that my kids will be grown before I figure it out, but that's ok...we'll still have a relationship and I can keep working on myself to become the woman, the mom, the friend that I want to be.  It's never too late.  And failure is just a vehicle for learning.  Period. 
Though I lived with someone that competed and pushed and just made me feel so small...now I do not.  And I was mistaken back then not to be more responsible to continually evaluate.  To choose with intention the direction that I want to head.  It's  as if dreams were not allowed.  I have great dreams.  I see who God plans for me to be.  At least a little bit.  And I am, bit by bit, evaluating how to get there. 
I don't behave in ways that always make me proud.  But I want to.  I want to be a hard worker.  But not a person that works hard to avoid living.  I want to be a good mom, but not the "perfect" mom...I want to be transparent with my kids.  Vulnerable.  Kind.  More and more kind.  More and more gracious.  Let them know that I am pleased with them.  I fell into bad habits during marriage.  I spent so much time being stressed about him being stressed or irritated that I was either harder or easier on the kids than I should have been.  I want to be fair.  I want to see them.  I want to make them know that I am absolutely for them. 
I want to change how I'm a friend.  Some people are so good at it.  And I have been a good friend at times in my life.  However, again, bad habits spring up while in survival mode.  I want to listen better.  Really listen.  I want to be thankful and express it.  I want to be open and willing to be critiqued.  I don't think that I'll ever be the person with a ton of close friends.  It's really not even in my personality.  I had to set that idea aside as I have come to know myself better.  I am better at only a few at a time.  My introverted personality doesn't always do me well in the friend making department.  But rather than spending so much energy on trying to behave as an extrovert, I'm going to concentrate on building my strengths with what I DO have.  I am an encourager.  I am fiercely loyal.  I love well.  I have trouble expressing it, but I have what it takes in my soul.  I have trouble speaking of hard things, but I am working on it.  I often used to write them, but I am giving my attention to speaking instead.  Gives others an opportunity to respond or even disagree.  And somehow, I have to learn how to ask for what I need.  I am lousy at that.  But, knowing that allows me the chance to grow.
As an employee, I want to GROW.  To learn more.  To give a full day's work for my pay.  I want to do my best to do my best.  ;)  Not perfectly, but constantly looking for how to do things better.  I want to teach superbly.  I have to learn how to handle the organization of paperwork.  That is true in much of my life.
Yes, I'm evaluating myself.  Without malice.  With gentleness and extravagant amounts of hope.  I see how healthy it is.  How freeing. 
blessings.

Making it

I realized today that I've been "on my own" for five months.  And....while I have struggles and worries and wonders....I am making it.  God is good.  Carries me.
I talked to my step mom that I never see.  Called her.  Realized this last weekend that it was her birthday.  Actually realized that my real mom's birthday would have been yesterday.  And it reminded me.  It was good to touch base.  Got to tell her all about the kids.  Then she asked about the ex.  I told her and she was nice.  Nice enough.  Not supportive in the "I'll be there for you," sort of way, but at least in the not going to be mean to me sort of way.  I appreciated that.
I am making it.  Carried.  Lifted. 
I like my life.  Mostly.  Just that these last three weeks have been really hard.  I need to learn not to carry that weight. 
I love my job though I work myself crazy.  I love the kids.  They make me smile.
My life is full of good.  And though I sometimes I need the holding on not gonna let go kinda hug...beyond that, I'm thinking that I'm ok.
I want to live.  Really live.  Find what it is that will rock my boat.  I want to give.  Really give.  Of resources, of course, but of heart and soul as well.  I want to grow.  Learn.  Be a blessing. 
Five months.  It kinda flew by actually.  I smile more.  I feel blessed.
blessings.

Peace

Peace looks good on my son.  He got his license, but he got so much more.  Freedom?  Yes.  But even more than that.  A boost of confidence.  He needed it so much.  His mama telling him that she loves him, or how special he is doesn't really do so much in this time of life.  He needed to DO something that made him proud.  And when you are depressed and struggling, it's hard to get to that place. I understand.  Even if I did spend the last month kicking his butt.  Not for me.  For him.  For seeing him have today.  I have cried much.  I have pushed, pulled back, encouraged, griped.  I have worn myself out on this.  One night I nearly despaired of getting him to this point.  And I knew that if he went to the test and didn't pass, he would blame me.  He has to put all of his hurt somewhere these days.  Right on my shoulders.  I'm learning to pass it along to God.  He has my son in hand.  Though his dad doesn't understand him nor meet his needs.  Though he won't try to communicate with his dad.  God is his best Father.  He will draw him. 
And seeing that peace on his face tonight was lovely.  The smile.  The relaxed feeling.  He has worried about that test for too long.  Failure would have crushed him.  God knew that.  Bless the Lord, oh my soul...for He cares for my children with tenderness and compassion.  He is a Father to the fatherless and a husband to the....wait....to me?  Even me?  Blessed beyond belief.  Even in the midst of this incredible exhaustion and so much to do.
I love my job still.  But it's HARD. 
And lovely.  Beautiful.  A gift.
Gonna rest a bit before the kids get home from driving on their own from their youth meeting!!  What a nice thing that is.
blessings.

Goodness of the Lord

You know, it's easy to be discouraged.  Sometimes it simply feels like the world is way too overwhelming.  Like I'm expected to go without tlc or hugs.  But...I know that's not true.  It just is easy to feel that way when some people make life so hard.
But I am so easily encouraged.  So easily lifted up.  I see the goodness of the Lord in such simple things.  Like my son getting his license today.  He passed the test.  When I walked into the waiting room of the DMV, I thought for sure that he was going to spew his lunch on their floor.  His face was ashen.  He had been waiting for an hour already because his friend had the test before his.  She passed.  The pressure was on.  Though it's not a competition, it would be really hard.  I prayed.  I knew that he could do it.  She prayed for him too...which was touching.  He went out to do it.  And do it he did.  He had less points deducted than my other sons.  He needed that.  It was very good.  I love how God cares for my babies. 
His goodness knows no bounds.  He isn't stingy.  I love that about Him.  I had almost forgotten....lived so long with someone who made me feel like I had to beg or wasn't worth it.  I have to say, I have experienced God's lavishness.  It is beautiful.  I'm not speaking of money...but of every single thing that I need and so many things that are just desires of my heart.  It's beautiful how He sees me. Is good to me.  Meets my heart needs so sweetly.
I am blessed.
blessings my dears.

Prayers

I was thinking the other day how I never knew that I could pray so hard, fervently, earnestly, selflessly.....until I had children.  I never knew what it was to actually want absolutely and deeply what someone else wanted and needed..without reserve.  It has been a grand adventure having children.  One that I would not give up.  One that I adore.  I like having kids.  Tiring?  Yes.  Emotional?  Yes.  Problem giving?  Sometimes.  Work?  Yes.  And absolutely worth it.  Each of them.  Because they are so much more.  They are people that I am proud to know.  They are people who inspire me. 
Today, I am praying for my son who is trying for his driver's license.   Today, I am praying for my son who wants out of his navy commitment before he begins.  Today, I am praying for my sons that are up fishing in the mountains.  Today, I am praying for my son who  really wants a new job....and a beginning at a new college.  Today, I am praying for my daughter as she faces the day after a girl's retreat...always hard to get back to the real world.  Today, I am thankful for each of them.  I am lifted higher by their presence in my life.  Every bit of who and how they are, lifts me, challenges me, encourages me....to be better.  To be more.  To learn more. 
Their simply being has made my prayer life so much more meaningful.  Talking with the ultimate Parent.....and finally, somehow, understanding just a little bit....how He feels about each of us.  Proud.  Encouraging.  Stern.  Loving.  Wanting the best.
Prayers.  They have changed my life.  For years and years and years and years.  Mostly just because they are time with the One who sees me and who knows what to do with all of my wonderings and hopings and fears. 
Today...for my kid and his friend that have to take the driver's test....I pray.  Because they are scared.  Nervous.  Taking a big step.  And so ready for it.
blessings.

Wrong Turn

Sometimes I go home a back way from the church in order to miss the highway.  Typically, I go home on a main road that isn't the highway where I would have to take a left without the light.  Today, I was facing the other direction on the street and took "the back road".  My ex lives over there, but I always forget until I'm right on top of his place.  So, it distracted me.  Actually made me feel creepy.  And I came to the next intersection and turned right.  I took myself right to the highway I was trying to avoid because I was focused on something else...something that disturbed me.  I waited at the intersection for awhile.  At first, frustrated with myself.  Then, I turned right instead.  Made a loop.  Went BACK by my exes place.  But this time,  I was prepared for it.  I took the left.  Went down half a block and straight across to the road I needed.  When I knew that the emotional thing was there and wasn't surprised by it, I could function just fine.  It made me see how hard it was for me in life with him around.  Every decision.  Every thought.  Every movement.  But, now that I know how it affects me, now that I know what to expect, I can make better, smarter decisions.  And, sometimes, if I have to make a loop and come back around and try it again...that's ok.  It's part of re-learning how to live in a healthy way.
I'm going to be ok. 
Though....I've learned.....perhaps alone in this event..not in all events. 
blessings

Breathing

Having kids in the midst of this difficult time has been a good thing.  And a challenge.  Because intense stress makes everything else in life harder.  Even being a mom.  Having kids is also a blessing.  Because they are stress reducers too.  With laughter and kindness.  I have to practice breathing each day.  This last few weeks trying to get my son ready for his driving test has been challenging at best.  It has been hard because I'm working hard, stressed about stuff with the ex....and supposed to be calm and polite in the car when he decides to push my buttons. He has been a total butt lately.  But not today.  Today he was great.  Really really great.  And I took a breath.  As it was easy again.  And then another breath.  And he got even better.  It's like we both hold our breath and become oxygen deprived and unable to function very well. 
I know that he loves me.  He does.  And in his weird way, I know that he's trying to protect me.  It has just been too much lately.  With no outlet.  Who do I tell?
How do I express the depth of pain?  I don't.  I dance around it.  But I never just say the words that I've said here.  I just want people to hear my heart.  Without me having to bad mouth.  I want to be trusted to have made the best decision that I could, but it's hard to "prove it" to people without telling them the yuckiness. 
So.....I try to walk a thin line.  Try to figure out how to get what I need without having to dish out dirt.  It's much harder than I imagined.  And so, stress is usually carried alone.  Or slightly diminished by giving a nutshell version of what is happening so that others can kinda empathize and give me an outlet to let out a little bit of pressure.
I was trying to be kind when I went for a legal separation instead of a divorce.  But somehow it feels like my kindness backfired.  I was clear that I didn't want to remain married.  That I had no intention of getting back together.  But what I've found is that it lets him say somehow that he is married....but...he's not.  The courts said so.  It's a legal deal.  I knew that he would like it better because divorce is such an anti-biblical thing.  It's all so stinking hard.  I get tired of having to be the bad guy.  Or of looking like it.
But, tomorrow, guess what?  He's going for a fishing trip.  He won't be at church.  Oh yeah.  Maybe I will be able to do it. 
Gonna read and relax.  And maybe finish laundry.
blessings.

Easy

I'm easy to please.  To help.  To comfort.  I was just thinking how I went to see my friend at work yesterday and she grasped my hand, put her other on my arm and looked into my eyes.  We spoke for a minute at most.  But she took that minute and gave it to me.  Not in a distracted sort of way.  I noticed.  I spent so long with someone who couldn't give me time unless it was to argue.  Even then, always with something else going too.  I remember asking why I wasn't ever important enough to stop for.  Stop doing what he was doing.  Yet, a friend took a complete stop.  Right in the middle of a work shift.  Hmmm. 
I need to remember the little kindnesses in my life when I feel so very lonely.  I struggle with the fact that it's up to me to make moves in relationships.  It's up to me to be an inviter.  At work it is already happening that I am a giver.  An encourager.  It is who I am.  I can't do it differently any more than I can breathe in water.  At work, though, in this most amazing way....it is so very two sided.  I give, but I am given to as well.  It refreshes me.  So many years spent investing...and not feeling badly about that as I was doing it...but finally coming to that point of realizing that if after twenty years he hadn't decided that I was valuable, then it probably wasn't going to happen. 
At work, people are thankful to work with me.  And I with them.  We say so.  We thank one another for kindnesses.  One another.  That Bible term that has always touched me.  The term that takes us as humans and makes us one body.  One group.  To do for one another.  I've always felt like if it was working right then it wouldn't be a few giving but all giving and receiving.  That needs would be met.
I find it odd that I see the model being played out....no, not perfectly.....in a work environment.  Odd, but good.
I'm easy.  Easy to show love to.  Easy to pick up on kindnesses. 
Perhaps that is what has made me so sad lately.  I tend to function on the lowest things that I need.  With people, I mean.  And to be content there.  But while others can have meltdowns breakdowns or whatever and people see it and rally.  That's the point where I feel lost.  Because I don't want to over dramatize what is going on?  If I get something out in words, it's usually pretty huge.  I'm learning that most of the people who know me don't realize how hard it is for me to say the things that are killing me.  How hard it is to just have the down time...I always perk up and help to carry someone else's stuff.  And that's what people associate with me.  It's my own fault.  It's how I'm made.  An extreme introvert. 
That whole INFP personality thing.....it's a rough one.  Instrospective.  Intuitive.Feeling.  Perceiving.  Of all of the studies I've read, the most of the population that has this personality type is four percent.  Most say closer to two percent.  I'm thinking that it's rare enough that people just don't know what to do with it.  http://neurolove.me/post/31840402988/personality   And this site helped me too.  I wish that people knew how it feels to be an introvert.  Not shy in the "hide behind the skirts" kind of way.
I am struggling because I don't have anyone to come walk with me right now.  Literally or figuratively.  But....a lot of it is.....I don't just want anyone in the world.  I am as it says in the article....loyal to a few.  I will never be that person that has dozens of close friends.  I'm glad others do.  I just can't. 
I wish that I had a mama who would call me.  Not always have to be the one to reach out.  I wish that sometimes my phone would ring with that voice just wanting to check on me. 
K.  well then.  Guess I'll read.  Stay busy.  Clean my room.  Burn some stuff.  I'll be fine. 
I love my kids, but sometimes having to be the emotional carrier of all of that stuff for so many for all of these years....it's wearing. 
Guess I can be done "talking" now. 
Just want you to know....all of those hurts that you live through are not the sum total of who you are.  You are vastly precious to God.  Made as you are.  With intention.  With a plan....
blessings.

StrongSurvivor

So, I made it through the night.  I got some mope and grief time in.  Dozed a bit.  Life is not all better.  I still wish that I had just gotten divorced and not legally separated.  I wish that I knew how to handle all of the nuances.  I wish that my sons had someone that they looked up to that nurtures them.  A man.  But...regardless of all I wish, I survived.  I am here.  I am strong.
I am still standing.  I might be lonely tonight, but I am not alone. 
I'm gonna make it.

I would drink tonight

I would drink tonight.  I rarely really feel like I want a drink.  Tonight I really want a drink.  If I didn't have to go out to get it, I'd probably be having one right now.
I know it's no solution.  I don't need it.  Just that sometimes it feels good to have that few hours of down time.  Like I get to turn off my brain for awhile.  And feel sorry for myself if I want to.
And sleep more soundly.
Love that relaxed, go to sleep feel.
And....I guess that sometimes I just wanna be asked.  blah.  no family.  blah blah blah blah blah.

sigh.

I got the blahs

I got the blahs and I'm feeling sorry for myself.  I went to see a friend at work.  She's obviously busy.  I went to a friend's house who has work to do.  She's obviously busy.  I didn't call one friend because she has sooo much pain going on.  And here I am at home.  And I just need tlc.  For me.  And I feel sorry for me because I like to reach out.  I like to see people's needs.  But so often I feel invisible.  And I know I'm not.  I just don't know how to get the hugs or encouragement.  I think that I'm not like other people somehow.  I don't have a need to make what is happening overly dramatic.  But that doesn't mean that it's not hard.  It is.  And sitting here on my own is a bit pathetic.  And I should probably make it enough to be with my boys.  But I'm pretty worn out from the one boy right now.  Though I love him dearly.  Just need time apart from that.  And maybe I just want to be comforted.  I don't know a soul to do that.  Not without me feeling like an ass or in the way for asking.  It's so bad that this last week I have called my step mom.  Just to let her know what's up.  I've called both numbers twice.  No answer.  And, frankly, the ex could have already called her.  And even if we are not close, it might just crush me to hear her wonder how I could let go of such a wonderful catch.
blahs.  I got em.  Lucky I know that they do pass.  But....I'm pretty pitiful.

Worn

Today, I needed a hug.  But there were so many needy people in the world.  So, I hugged.  And I listened.  And I did my job and stayed at work to finish letting kids go though I wanted to run out the door and go be with my girl before she did a weekend away.  The other teacher at my post is usually late and usually leaves early.  I am there every day. I had decided that today I would say that I was going to have to leave early.  She never showed.  I had to stay.  I was running behind.  I did make it to meet up with my sweet girl.  And get a few minutes.  And, she actually came and told me good bye right in front of all of her friends.  Intentionally.  Kindly.  Makes me teary even now.
And the boys are here but I just need grown up time.  I need to not be needed to cook and solve and plan and whatever right now.  I just need to rest my mind and do whatever I choose.  I know it seems selfish, but I've been going strong.  I've been emotional but still going.  And maybe it's needing the time to cry yet again.  To mourn the fact that my boys got such a shitty deal with a role model of how to be a man.  How to say you are sorry.  How to talk.  How to express love.  How to love and not use. 
Yep, I needed to be taken in.  Nurtured.  But...nobody to do that in my life.  My aunt pretty much put it out there....you'll have to do it on your own.  Nobody to call.  Nobody that would know that I'm hurting.  I try to express it, but with so much need around...it just seems silly.  These times come when I have to deal again with who he was in my life.  The needs that went unmet.  The constant giving.  I'm not unused to it.  I just don't want to live like that anymore.  So I'm here in my room alone.  My son made soup and is waiting for his dad.  The other one is sleeping and will wake up to play games late. 
It's just a hard night.  It'll pass when I've had some rest and grieved a bit.
blessings.

Guilt

I was trained well in guilt.  And, even now, my hardest days are not the ones where I am angry with him.  They are the ones where I feel like I should be making it better, where I feel guilty that he is suffering.  That he is unhappy.  Uncomfortable.  You see, I like to keep people comfortable.  I like to be kind.  And today was one of those days that I woke up feeling sorry for him.
But I can be sorry and still let him go.  I must.  But... it is still hard.
However, I know that in time I will find balance and be able to let go and understand that I never could make it better for him.  But I did try.
Have a great day.  It was created for you.  Be joyful in it.
blessings.

Alone

I have parented alone for a long time.  He plays.  He was around.  But parenting wasn't what he did.  Criticize?  Yes.  But stand beside for the long haul?  No.  And so, there are some bad habits, hard things, within my new family unit.  And honestly, tonight, I know that I am alone.  Nobody wants to hear it.  Nobody gets that some of my kids are reeling....not from divorce, but from having to live as if love is conditional upon performance.  So, I am stuck constantly.  If I try to speak truth in a kind fashion, it can hurt.  Even if it truly is put KINDLY.  Because it feels like an indictment.  And I know that.  Yet, I can't just let everything slide.  Being mean spirited, disrespectful, unkind.  Those can't be allowed to flourish.
I'm flummoxed.  I want to do it well.  It's hard to change....especially for the young men.  Because there model is their dad, not me.  I feel......heartbroken.  I am standing my ground on something with one of my sons in as kind a manner as I know how.  But, he blames me.  He won't apologize.  He won't speak to me.  He's punishing me.  Hmmm....seems so familiar.  I'm sure that's why it hurts so very much.
On yet another note...I hear my in laws are coming in a couple of weeks.  Trying to picture how that will look.  As if I don't have enough stress...
blessings.

good day

I usually have a good day.  Almost have always had good days in my life.  No, my life has not been easy.  No, I was not sheltered.  No, I didn't earn it.
I choose it.  And the more I get away from the ick that I was living in, the more I see how it's a gift.  It's a lifestyle.  It's finding the good and the smiles, the joy and the peace...in the midst of whatever the circumstances happen to be.  I find it comforting.  That my peace is not contingent upon everything in the world.  I am safe.  There is a shelter inside of me, not protecting me from the things that happens, but from the effects of them.
It is this very thing...this very way that has been instilled in me...deep in my soul....that shows me how bad it had been for me in my marriage.  Because that sense was robbed.  Over and over and over again, I found myself bereft.  And the one who should have been a comfort, a helper, an encourager, was simply a taker.  A perpetrator of things that hurt me to my very core.
I can't expect others to understand.  For they don't have the ability to look inside of me and know me that way.  But, it's how I know that God understands.  Because He saw not just what was going on on the outside, but how it was destroying the inside.
I keep trying to remember....I am safe now.  In time, it will become more comfortable feeling safe on a normal basis.  For now, I just enjoy being on my own to heal.
blessings.

a plant

this week i heard....read....the best analogy for where i am in my relationship with my ex. 

relationships are like plants.  they don't need constant care, but they need consistent care.  a plant can be left on it's own.  it grows fine without being watched all of the time.  but, without water, without attention, it shrivels, it suffers.  but....nearly miraculously....with a little tlc and some water, it comes back.  sometimes this happens over and over again.  and after awhile, we don't even worry about it anymore.  we just figure that it will come back to life again.  but, finally, as it grows weaker, there comes a times when it is truly dead and does not come back anymore.  no amount of water or fertilizer or pruning will help.  it's finished.
that is what happened for me.  i came back time and again.  i perked up.  hoped.  believed.  but eventually, i was completely done.  i had a sense of panic as it happened.  toward the end, i knew.  and the end wasn't when he moved out.  not even when i filed the papers.  it was when i finally knew that i couldn't spend my life with someone who i couldn't have a sense of safety and comfort with.  it was when i knew that i was happier when he wasn't around than when he was.  it was when i began to have panic attacks about going home.  finally, it just was the death of a relationship. 
and he wants to water it now.  and throw on some fertilizer.  and pray.  and whatever else might help.  but that time passed.  and i am not alive to that relationship anymore.  whatever it is that causes it to be alive, died.  i have mourned and grieved.  and now i am working on learning to accept it.  it's a loss.  but it is done. 
even if he doesn't want to allow it.
blessings.

I want to be....an anomaly

I learned a long time ago that I am weird.  Different.  Odd.  Some have labeled me obnoxious.  Obstinate.  Brusque.  But I am living in a new world.  Of my own choices.  And do you know what I am finding?  That I am not weird in a bad way...but in a good way.  An anomaly.  Something different in the day.
I like to be thankful.  To tell people.  To encourage.  To lift up.  And I have had people at school stop me in the hall and tell me that I'm making a difference.  By smiling...really....a guy that I really don't know said how nice it was to come to work and know that I'd be smiling.....and others have said how my attitude is upbeat and good.  I spent too long allowing myself to complain and being beaten down...allowing it.  That is on me.  His doing it, that's on him.  But I don't allow it anymore.  And, while it's ok to have vent time.  Whine time.  Mostly, I love love love love love love love.....being different.  I want to strive to be more and more positive.  I want to be loving in my actions and words.  I might not get it all right, but I can be gracious to myself as well.  I want to live as an anomaly in a world of hopelessness, despair, grouchiness and impatience.
Lord, let it be....by You living in and through me.  Thanks.
blessings.

Worries and Giving Overs

There are so many things in life that I can worry about.  My children themselves could keep me busy for a few hundred years it seems.  Yet, I am finding that somehow learning to give it over to God is necessary.  Not just for my sanity, but for my children, for those that I care about.  I can think about them.  I can wish them well.  I can pray for them.  I can stand beside them.  But my worry helps nothing.  Keeping myself from sleep, rest, joy, living...it doesn't help anyone. 
Still....I hope that I don't screw them up. :)  Oh yeah, God promises to be strong enough in my weaknesses to make all things right.
I'm just going to trust Him on it.  Because I'm working hard.  And I need to simply rest.  And now....I need to sleep.
blessings.

Kicked Fear's Butt

hahahha" I kicked fear's butt" on my facebook page.  And it's so true.  People have no idea what I've lived through or how thoroughly crazy my life can become.  As much as anyone else's.  They don't know because I don't like the tons of drama.  I LIKE being happy.  I like living in a positive, encouraging way. 
So, most days, they don't know the courage it takes for me to face the pain, the what ifs, the overwhelming noise of the tapes that play in my mind from all of those years of marriage and step up.  Work hard.  Choose to share joy.  And peace.  And grace.  To choose to lift up another.  To look into someone's eyes even at the grocery store.  Even when I am struggling myself.  To see others.  Really see them.  I'm learning that it is a very good thing.  It's a habit worth cultivating.  Because it makes me stronger.
I don't know much, but I know that on THIS day, I kicked fear's butt.  And it wasn't easy.  And several times I nearly forfeited.  But......I DID NOT give up.  My friends stood with me.  They cheered me on.  They helped me to do what was hard.  They stood up and sang praises with me.  They hung around so that I wouldn't be all alone.  They surrounded me with strength.  They couldn't do it for me.....but they made sure that I didn't have to do it alone. 
Kicked it's butt....I'm telling you, that's a good thing.
blessings.

Courage

Courage is walking into places that you don't want to walk because you want to grow, live and be an example to your children.  Stupidity is putting yourself in harm's way.  Today I felt odd.  Almost stupid for staying at my own church.  Like I put myself through something that I could have avoided.  And not felt like throwing up.  But...in retrospect, it became a good thing....a moment of realizing that I had deep courage.  To overcome my deepest fears.  Even with the nightmare memories fresh in my brain.
I have courage.
blessings.

I get to choose to rejoice

Rejoicing is a choice.  I almost wrote choicing. :)  It comes from the special peace that is put in my heart by God himself.  Though life can be very hard.  Though some seem to conspire to make it harder rather than easier....I GET TO CHOOSE.  I am free.  Free to choose hope.  Free to choose peace.  Free to choose joy.  Free to rejoice.  I get tangled up in all of the "stuff".  I get bogged down in the sludge of opinions and expressed disappointment.  I get beaten down by the battering of voices telling me that I have no right.  That I am not acting in accordance to God's will.  But, if I just turn my eyes....there He is.  Reminding me that no matter what, He paid the price, He loves me.  He is HERE.  With me.  Even with ME.  Though I don't deserve it.  He didn't expect me to deserve it.
I get to choose.  I'm going to choose to rejoice. 
blessings.

Part of me

A part of me just wants to go to the big event at my church today.  A combined service outdoors.  Fun times.  Music.  Sounds so good.  Except for that part where he'll be there.  And, a part that I have never put to words.  I feel like a burden to my friends.  Needy.  Like I can't be left alone.  Because, there is truth in it.  I have near panic attacks when I find myself all alone.  I've done it.  I'm sure that I'll have to do it again.  But it is so absolutely painful.  Friends are like a covering in these awkward, sometimes harsh times.  They are a barrier to those who seek to be bullyish or unkind.  It's easier because when someone is with you, I have found that others behave better than if they happen to catch you alone.  Me alone. 
So, I am awake early.  I will get bathed and dressed.  But going?  Probably not.  Because being a burden is less than fun.  And because I don't speak it, my friends don't say, "come along and be with us, we'll be your buffer." 
My kids will be there. I hate the tears that spring forth.  He makes it so vastly unfair.  He jumps the gun and chooses every event.  Hard for my heart.  Hard to know how he likes to look so good.  I don't even care if I look good when I'm there...I just don't want to be picked on.  They will think as they choose, that I can't stop.  I'm only interested in keeping myself from the whole having to constantly explain part.  Because I don't want to.  I don't find it to be the business of the people at church.  I mean, maybe a few.  But those he has already talked to.
And in this moment of frustration, I remember...he has never made life easier on me, taken the brunt of the trouble.  He pushes it onto me.  So, here I am.  Even after apart.  In that position.  And in trying not to be....it costs me dearly.  It costs me my home church.  My comfort.  My peace there.
I couldn't go on Friday night because I know that feeling all too well of waiting for him to walk in.  Wondering where he is.  Being constantly on edge.  How hard it all is.  How I wish that he wasn't so danged charming and popular.
Oh well.  Can't  change it.  Not going to beg my friends.  So...I'll just deal.
blessings.

Sometimes

Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me.  I wonder why I wasn't enough.  Beautiful enough.  Smart enough.  Politically informed enough.  Neat enough.  I wonder why he says to people how much he wants me back when he had me for twenty years and for most of them I felt like I was struggling to gain his acknowledgement.  But it's so confusing when he acts so differently now. Took our son to lunch at a restaurant....he barely took me out when it was our anniversary...well, wouldn't happen without a coupon.  Let's just say price mattered.  A lot.  Always.  As if each thing we did counted against me.  My value was small.  He would not say that.  Not now.  I have increased in value now that I am apart from him.  In his eyes.
Tough times for me.  These days it's like everywhere I turn he's trying to show how marvelous he is.  And I want to see him be that for the kids.  But why not until he was single again?  So confusing to me.
Sometimes I just wish that he would just be real.  Not charming.  Just truthful about how he really felt and what really was wrong.  And tomorrow he leads games at church.  And bought our daughter in law as well as the kids tickets for the event.  He invited me.  Knowing I would decline.  But again, he comes off looking like a great guy.  He always manages to do that while leaving me looking like an ass.  And he always has.  Wearying.
I don't even know how to explain it to anyone.
That nightmare?  It was telling.  A reminder.  That charm is a mask.  In my dream I remembered.  Clearly.  And it still hurts.
Sometimes, I wish that I didn't have to deal with his constant presence.  He chose to live less than a mile from me.  I pass him on the road regularly.
Sometimes I wish that I could just be how I feel.
Today I was flipping through pictures on facebook and someone had posted one of him with the kids.  It was killer.  I remember the trip.  It was not too great for me.  Not the part where he was in it.  I'm glad it was good for the kids.  I hope that it was.  I just can barely deal with looking at things like that though.
Sometimes...I just wish I had time to heal without him being everywhere I am.  And especially at church.  And with my friends.  So wearing.
sigh.

Up and Out

Up and out of bed.  Sometimes there is that overwhelming inertia from emotional distress that seems to tether me to the bed.  Like ropes of elastic pulling me back as I struggle to get out.  Because sometimes, when the pain is too close, it feels like just pulling my comfy down comforter back over my head will be a better solution.  Because I'm too tired to deal with anymore.  But, today, I am up and out of bed.  I am dressed and while not past nor over the memory nightmare....I am awake and able to face it.  I have a life to live.  I do not want him to steal anymore of my days.  I gave up so many already.  I want to stand up.  To live.  To laugh.  To remember the gifts that are mine in Christ Jesus.  I want to claim them. 
That doesn't mean that sometimes I don't choose not to fight those ropes.  Sometimes, I just need recovery time.  But this time, I am fighting back with getting out and living my life.  Yes I am.  Indeed.  Off to get ready.  Places to go this morning and then house stuff the rest of the day.  Winter is coming...and like the squirrels, there are things that need doing.
blessings.

mother of the year

it's never gonna happen.  i've never been the greatest mom for a whole year.  but there are times when i have a moment. tonight is one of those.  i went to get my son at an event where his only other option was his dad.  my son just couldn't face asking for a ride when he won't even see him.  i got it.  i went.  though i was in bed.  in pajamas.  exhausted physically and mostly...emotionally.
that dream has haunted me all day.  it hurts.  done with that man. 
still tired...but i feel good.  that i saw my kid.  saw his heart.  met his need.  i was tired.  but he needed his heart lifted.
i got to be that lifter.  and that was worth it.
blessings.

Uncertain

I'm in a strange place tonight.  I probably need the quiet and yet I don't want to be alone.  But, here I am.  And I would rather be alone than be in an environment that I have to make fake conversation or explanations.  I'll stay home while my kids go to a game.  And I will relax as well as I can.  Being thankful for the time.  I am blessed.  Though a bit at loose ends this night.
blessings.

alone in the dark

i lay here alone in the dark because that is what i did when he was here.  i don't know how to express the words to anyone because i didn't.  and now here i am.  alone in the dark.  trembling and scared and literally afraid to get off of my bed.  i used to wonder if he was there.  for real there.  it takes time for me to even be able to pick up my computer.  but it is how i survived back then.  stuck in my little space.  hiding.  screen dimmed
the commonality in my dreams is his anger.
it feels like he has been angry.  lives like he's doing what i want, but like there's an underlying retaliation. 
not sure i can do this tonight.

nightmare

it's so hard.  i keep thinking i'm going to get past it.  but i find myself back there.  i went to sleep fairly early.  exhausted from the week and just stuff.  but then, i just awakened from a nightmare.  it was one of thosse that is so real that it takes awhile to wake from and the bad thing keeps happening.  now i feel completely ill.
and alone.
i don't know anyway to not be alone in these times.  even if you try to reach out, it's hard to explain as an adult what terrified you.  and that it was "only" a dream.
only.
the terror i felt when he was around me...not because of hitting...because he made me feel unsafe.  i hate reliving it.  hate being subjected to a breach of my peace.
blech.  at least my heart is slowing down.  a bit.
amazing how the fright stays even when i have managed to get myself awake and away from the fearful, real feeling things.  i know it was "only" a dream.
all i wish is that someone could walk in there with me and see how terrifying it is.
i wish too that he would own what he did.  how he harmed.  i can't go back.  can't even think of it.
ill.  tears coming.
sigh.
but...it's not most nights anymore.  there is progress.
i just am so pained.  i want to be all done.  guess i have to be patient.  but boy....twas too scary.

blessing of a life

i live a good life.  a life full of wonderful people.  i love my students.  i ponder what good i can do for them every day...and night....and weekend....i really adore them.  i was blessed today to have everything fall together to do reader's theater with them beginning today.  I have the "low" reading group.  and when they walk in, they look as if they would rather die.  until we got out the beautiful scripts.  and made a big deal about them.  and i read to them first.  then they were all ready to go.  and...suddenly...reading came alive.  i love that moment.  i want to see them fly.  to be able to read and comprehend and enjoy.  for if there is not enjoyment in reading, then it's just a burden.  it was a blessing also because those beautiful scripts were an amazing, unexpected surprise.  i was going to print some online ones.  and then....then, someone from my school pointed to her top shelf and said that i could use the box of scripts.  wonderful scripts. colorful.  the kids were saying, "can we do it again?"  and all i can think is that i can't imagine any better way to teach them. 
then i come home to my own kids.  and that just blesses me too.  they walk with me in my heart everywhere i go.  i feel what they are going through and what they hope for.  i pray for them.  laugh with them.  cry for them. 
i am so unbelievably blessed.  i like being able to breathe.  to see the beauty.  to revel.  life is good.
blessings.

Good Morning

Even on the hardest days, I can seem to find good...joy...happiness.....hope.....even on the "I don't feel well, I wish that I could stay in bed and I'm really tired and I need some time," days.  It's true.  It has been given to me as a gift.  And it has been honed intentionally through my life.  I have had some dark days, and finding the way to get back up has been good for me.  And for others.  Because hope is contagious.  As is joy.  When I overcome my inertia and get moving, it inspires my kids, and sometimes even others around me. 
This ability is what makes me know how difficult my life had become.  I spent years getting up.  Hoping.  Believing.
And what people don't know is that I still have that ability.  But, there came a time, when even I, with the giftedness and full backing of God, couldn't do it within my marriage.  There came a time when something had to CHANGE that wasn't simply me adjusting my attitude.  Attitude goes a very long way in life, but the life we were living was not healthy. 
And now, it is different.  I can't speak for him, but on my part, I can say that the relief is immense.  Hope burns again.  Joy seeps in.  I feel whole again.  When many say that I should feel broken and in pieces.  Perhaps they just don't know what it feels like to be rescued.  To be saved from certain annihilation.  Everything feels more alive.  More colorful.  Better.  Brighter. 
I am alive.  Truly alive.  And it is amazing.
It is a good morning.
blessings.

Rain

Good morning world.  I went to sleep to the sound of rain and awoke to it as well.  Very unusual for my semi-arid state...which is in the midst of a drought.  But lovely.  Maybe even moreso for its unexpectedness.  It makes me feel peaceful.  Like my soul quiets.  It's much like the feeling I get at the ocean.  A physical relaxing for no other reason than the sound, the rhythm, the.....I don't even know what it is. 
But I know that I love it.  That I revel in peaceful moments.  Anywhere that I can get them.  I am not the person who can survive in constant strife.  I like to find the good.  Wherever I am.
I am positive.  I am loving.  I see good.  I pass on good messages.  I didn't know that it was unusual.  Someone at my school told me how refreshing it was to hear good in the midst of her day when so many people are grumbling.  That was a blessing to me.  Don't get me wrong...I see the hard stuff.  I just choose that which is excellent. 
I want to walk in integrity.  I want to be the woman I admire.  I want to love God fearlessly. 
blessings.

Just Don't Know What to Say

Sometimes I think that I should be nicer.  That maybe I'm just silly and have no idea what's what.  I second guess myself and wonder about the decision I have made.  Not because I'm not happier, because I am.  I can actually breathe.  I can feel hope spring to life so easily.  I feel a depth of joy that had been nearly crushed.  But...still...seems selfish.  Unkind.  Like I should have made it work.  You know, that feeling that is "maybe he wasn't as bad as I remember.  (I just had a typo and spelled as with a second s...made me smile.)  But, then things happen that remind me how desperate I had become.  How hard it had become. 
Today it was going to the bank and having the woman tell me that he had only finally come in to sign his paperwork.  Nine days later.  When I know that he had been able to go to the bank on Saturday because my son went with him to the bank to do his banking.  She said that he was adamant that he is not divorced.  True.  But there is still legal paperwork that has divided our assets.  I was just surprised that he hadn't done it.  That he didn't want to do it.  He had said that he would do it.  He had said that the only reason he hadn't was because it couldn't be done without changing his account number.  So, I made it possible and yet....he dug in his heels.  She called him.  She took care of it.  But it made me shaky again.  The remembering.  The wondering why he can't honor me.  But then, I felt the same way when married.  As if what I thought or felt never ever mattered.
I'm glad to be moving on.  But, today made me think that I might have to have the legal separation converted to a divorce in the future.  And that's too bad.  But I guess that he doesn't get the part that it's a bit of irony to be legally separated as a measure against not being divorced.  I feel as if I have been divorced for years.  But still trying to hold it all together.  Glad to be able to quite holding it all together. 
Balance.  My word of the year.  I am learning it. 
Now.  I've been awake for 16 hours and going for 15 of them....time to rest this girl.

Good morning.

this is what i awoke to this morning:

• 
  

  
  

  • Hey, I know that it is weird not to give the low down. However, nearly everyone I know, knows him. Would it help at all to know that B***** has been hearing exactly what's going on for nearly two years......not sure if it will, but at least maybe you'll know that I have been seeking wise advice.
    Regarding your work with youth...don't know if you know that your niece is 47....you know, pushing that 50 mark.
    I'm not miffed. I'm hurt. J***  has a way of being very charming. He has his whole family and I have very few to call my own in the world. It took me a very long time to decide partly because I knew that I would most likely walk alone.
    Appreciate your note. Still not dumping the info, but thankful.
    
    
    Response:
• • sounds good. 47! wow, your life's just beginning. We can agree to bury the ax. We're hurt too, you've always been something to brag about, so you'll have to go it alone and prove it was the right thing, knowing that your side of the family thinks it's a bad idea.......but we'll give you that freedom to make the decision. Love you always, xxxxxx
    
    
    After weeks of back and forth, the very best I got is that I "get" to go it alone.  What in the heck does she think I've been doing all of these years?  God has been faithful.  I have some great friends.  But she and that part of my family....ABSENT.  So, what changes?  Hopefully the fact that she will quit writing how I'm doing what is wrong against God.  Actually, I figure it will just go back to not hearing.  That's fine with me.  Because this was painful.  Mean feeling.  Perhaps it wasn't.  Perhaps my aunt really means it somehow kindly.  But, put with the rest of the posts, it is a basic, "you're wrong, I'm right, so I won't support you."
    How is it that we as christians think that we have that right?  Really?  But then I decided that perhaps she's reading the chapter about finding a brother in sin and that it's better to kick him out or something if he won't listen to reason.  Guess I've been told.
    I want to cry.  But I have to go to work.  I want to scream, but my kids are here.  I need a hug, but there are never any around.  Ok, a friend's husband awkwardly hugs me every time he sees me.  But...without the good benefits.  He feels obligated.  It's a little weird, but I know that he's doing the best he can.  He is my husband's good friend.  So...what's a girl to say?
    I'm just hoping that this post means that the "thread" is over so that I can quit being gut punched at unexpected times.  I was so excited to see that someone had written...I needed the word of hope.  Of kindness.  Ok, gotta not cry.  Deep breaths.  Daughter in my room.  one minute to leave...

And also

I'm sick of being on his bank account and having his stuff come up when I go on to do my online banking.  He has a butt load of money when I'm struggling.  And it makes me mad that he won't get the paperwork done so that I can be free from having to see that!  Really?  Just take care of a few things.  I don't care that he HAS the money...I just don't need it constantly rubbed in my face.  I hate how stingy he is.  How he does things now to look all giving.  Blech.  He gives me the shakes.
He gets to be disneyland dad and do the fun things while i get to buy the stuff they NEED and pay to feed them.  Ever fed teens?  It's a drain on the finances.  But....I'm glad to not have him around so that I don't have to explain why groceries cost so much.  He's more like go to the park dad....disney would be too costly.  Don't think they even went to the amusement park when they went to Texas.
On a happier note....my one son did say today, " I prefer you to dad."  For real. 
good night.

Need to Laugh

I just need to be around people who want to laugh again.  I adore all of my friends.  There's a lot of stuff going on.  Tonight I threw something out there that I will know if my one friend shares it.  It's not a huge deal thing, but if I hear about it, I'll know where it came from.  I sure hope that I don't.  Tonight was a heavy time together.  And I was weary.  And I needed to talk.  Didn't really get the chance to finish.  But, somehow, no matter how the time is, it's good to just love on them and know that they love me even when I'm a mess.
Yet, sometimes, I realize that the bottom line is that I don't really get to be a mess.  It's more of an aside.  Nobody realizes how badly I need the hugs or the encouragement.  And I feel like I'm putting it out there as plain as possible.  No matter.  I have found some truths in life.  One of them is that I am stronger than I think I am.  And that I don't have to be.  That I can fall apart and still be ok.  I am dangerously close, I think.
I need to back off and give space to others.  That's hard because my heart craves the deeper, adult interaction.  But it's not really fair to be taking so much.  Or to be feeling so needy.
I do not enjoy my ex.  I don't like who he seems to be with others.  It hurts me more than it helps.  I guess he probably views it as showing me how he is doing the right things.  Somehow all it screams to me is how little he gave to me for how much he is showing everyone else.
Someone told me tonight that I'll end up with someone.  I have no interest in doing so.  I just want to try to remember that I'm important.  I feel completely lousy this week.  Low.  Too much ex stuff.  But...also, sometimes, it's just hard to quit playing that tape from having been with him for so long.  The one that says that I'm not good enough.  I look around my house and think "I'm a lousy housekeeper."  I look at the rental house that we own and I think, "he's going to stick it to me someday that I didn't keep up well enough with maintenance no matter what I do."  I need to hire someone to go do some things, but I have so much on my plate.  Guess I just need to keep praying.  It will all happen.  God has great timing.
I just feel so alone.  Like I've always parented alone.  Like I have to face my questions about my job alone.  Like.....I am pushed away.  As if others can't come here and hold my hand through it.  And I guess that's true.
I need to really laugh.  To play.  I need a real hug.  I am really sad tonight.  Nearly heartbroken.  And there's really not anyone to care.  How sad to have gotten this far in my life and to have to walk this alone.  He sucks.  I hate that he's friends with my friends.  I hate that I can't just say he's a jackass and not care.  Hate it.  Hate that I'm such a drain and they probably wish I'd just perk up.
Yep.....I really need to laugh.
blessings.

the politics of life

i've determined that i am not very politically motivated.  it's not that i don't care, it's just that the conversations rarely seem to be conversations, but statements of what someone wants another to take as a fact.  i believe that lots of ideas, beliefs, thoughts, possibilities allow good conclusions to be made.  and i believe that when people state their thoughts as facts then it shuts down the flow of ideas.  i have friends on facebook that are staunch democrats and staunch republicans.  they make snide comments....both sides do it.  they give little updates on the latest little tidbit or juicy bit of slander.  they post about anything that is "the real truth" that supports their candidate.  but, what i wish is that people could just talk openly and wonder and think aloud with other people's brains to help them....and then go vote the best that they know how.
feel the same way in life.  there was a woman at the show we did yesterday.  she is a dealer but was at the show as a buyer.  she would state what she would pay for an item.  then she would be miffed if the vendor declined.  she didn't ask.  she didn't inquire if she would get a discount if she purchased a certain amount of things.  she simply tried to bulldoze.  not one vendor appreciated the treatment.  all treated her with respectful firmness.  but she was simply incorrigible. 
church can often follow this political model of "sides".  you are more loved by god if you are somehow on the same side with the same moral beliefs and political beliefs and marital beliefs and child rearing beliefs as i am.  really, it's true.  and what is so sad that there is not one person on this earth that is loved any less by god.  that doesn't mean that i believe that all things spoken of are truth.  it means that i believe that speaking of all of the different things, ideas, beliefs....gives people time to work things out.  god has sent prophets and written letters and lived in his people for a long long time.  i don't think that any of his methods involved saying that a person who differs from another person is less loved.  there does come a time of decision making.  perhaps more people would be willing to choose him if they hadn't been bullied, backed into a corner, ostracized when different.  perhaps....
kids are born negotiators.  i'll compliment you, spend time with you, do something i know that you will think is wonderful if you give me......they are lobbying.  paying for a parent to vote their way.  i'm not so sure that it is healthy.  i like better when they come to me.  state what they want.  hear me say why i think it is or isn't a good idea...in these cases, it often isn't. ;)  and then...give me time to think if i want to let them go for it anyway.  because my children are not babies.  they need to fall a little bit.  but we need to communicate about things openly.  it's hard.  easier to play the political game.  my daughter knows the game well and so teases me with it now.  prefaces something she wants with a standard, " have i told you today how shiny your hair is?"  and we both laugh.  it's a conversation opener. 
i'm not so good at politics.  but i am good at seeing people.  and at respecting them.  even when they are different than i.  but my personality sometimes gets so weary of the politics of life.  i love and crave encouragement.  openness.  words.  hugs.  affirmation.  truth.  yes, they can go together.  thoughtfulness.  but somehow it seems like people have taken to the political agenda of smearing and tearing down.  of believing whatever they hear.  of listening to sound bytes rather than hearing the depths of someone's pain.  and of all things in this world, i think that it is the thing that makes me most weary.  because i lived with it for so very long.  he was smarter than i.  more politically educated.  but if he had ever taken the time....i have something different to offer.  peace.  gentleness.  truth.  reflection.  grace.  kindness.  wondering.  hoping.  lots of hoping. 
be blessed.

Lifted Up

I rarely go back and read my blog....just occasionally.  I did so this morning.  To the last few weeks.  And I see how I'm healing.  Still hurting.  But what I really see is how positive I can be even when things are really hard.  I go back to those blogs and I remember how crushed or beaten down I felt, but when I read it, I actually hear my voice of encouragement.  I have a voice.  It is encouraging.  It is a voice that believes that hard, huge, important, amazing things can be done.  And for a long time I shared that voice with others.  With my ex.  With my kids.  With my friends  With people who bumped into my life.  But finally, I am learning how to share it with myself again.  That is humongous.  It comforts me. Because there aren't a lot of people around who do that for someone who chose to separate from her husband.  Mostly I feel tsk tsked. 
However, there are people popping up in life who see me.  Who ask me and want to know.  Who seem to want to follow through.  And that is good.  Very good.  Of course, I have my bestie.  She doesn't falter.  She uplifts.  But....I don't want to drag her down.  I want to also be good for her.  Able to laugh again. 
Healing is happening...even in the past week when I was overwhelmed by his words. God IS faithful.  Completely. 
blessings.

strange day

today was a very good day.  i got up in the wee hours to go with a friend to do a vintage show. it was good to be out in the nice day.  while there, the son of the woman who was running the show, began hanging around our booth off and on.  i pretty much disregarded it and just chatted a little or actually, at one point probably kind of ignored him when i was busy doing something in the booth.  but at the end, when we were packed up...and he had helped with a couple of things, he came over and talked...while my friend disappeared for what seemed FOREVER.  in a way.  it was a nice conversation.  he likes traveling.  he likes to meander the back roads.  he likes rain.  and the ocean...said he needs it at least once a year.  these aren't huge things, but they are MY things.  it was weird.  mostly weird because he seemed a little bit flirty.  and frankly....i'm not looking for any romance or commitments.  i'm just starting to figure out who i want to be.  but he was interested.  he was encouraging.  he asked me all about my work and was actually.....interested.  he made a big deal about little stuff but not in an insincere feeling way....in an encouraging, that's really cool sort of way.  anyway, it was just strange.  and here i am thinking about it.  wanting to talk about it.  and yet, who do you really talk to about such a thing?  it was just ....odd....strange.  and quite nice.  yes, he was easy to look at.  i, of course, was sweaty from loading a van and moving furniture/goods.  but, he did say that he hadn't paid for camping in a long time.   my first thought was that i wondered if he was stingy.  but, of course, he owns boats...so probably not. 
well, that was my big, slightly strange, but lovely day.
blessings.

Brave New World.

I have so much to learn.  Like....how to rotor root the drains.  Or fix a light fixture.  Or....trim a door.  Or....finish the ceiling texture in the boys' room....or put in a hood over my stove.  So very many things.  But.  I don't have to do it all.  I don't have to figure it all out at once.  A little at a time.
I can be brave because if I fail at something it's ok.  Life goes on.
There is so much to do.  And I am so tired. 
And there's all of the other stuff too....so, again.  Getting rest.  Crawling under the down comforter and just being content to breathe in and out for awhile.  That's a good way to cope.
blessings.

bit by bit

i'm not all better...but it gets better faster than it used to.  but that worn out need to sleep feeling from the emotions...that's hard to get past.  i think that it's just necessary for recovery.  kinda like when i've been sick.  just has to happen.  that's ok.  rest is good for the soul.
blessings.....i am going to bed.

Dragged down

My ex has always had a way of draining me.  Keep thinking that it will get easier. But the talons are in deep.  I let him into the depths of my heart.  I don't regret marrying him.  I don't regret my children.  But the regret I have is that I lost sight of me.  That I feel guilty when I think of me.  I am so sad that I can't stand up for myself.  Or that....I am so conditioned that it makes me feel guilty. 
Here I am.  Big comfy comforter.  Surrounded by pillows.  All nicely washed today.  Cold.  Sick feeling.  And yet...that bit of hope.  Knowing that it will end eventually.  That he can't control me anymore.  That must irritate him. 
Everything has been hard this week.  He always makes everything hard.  That is how he works.  Make me say no.  Push me to have to be the mean one....by setting a boundary......even if it should be reasonable.
Somehow, he makes me feel crazy nutso.  Like I'm unreasonable for telling him not to ask the kids for my mail.  Or asking him to let me know his plans before he tells the kids.....simply so I can plan.  He says I hold all of the cards.  Yet, he gets to choose when to jump in and do something and when to do whatever he wants.  But ya know?  Maybe I don't really care.  Though it's not fair.  Fair isn't what life is.  I get to see them every day.  See that they get their homework done.  Teach them how to have good character.  Teach them how much God loves them.  Right now.  Right as they are.  I get to love on them.  I guess that I can deal with the rest because it means having the freedom to breathe.  To live again.  And I wasn't making it before. 
The part that hurts is how he keeps saying that he says that he takes responsibility.....but then he doesn't.  Not for the deep parts.  Not for the horrible pain that he has caused me.  I hate that.
I am so very done.  I'm glad I'm out.
I just need a hug.  Sad to figure out that he's becoming more and more connected at church.  I just need to let him do whatever he is going to do.
I need some time to breathe.
blessings.

Speaking the truth....in love

Ex emailed me and said that he wants all of the Sundays in September.  Then....two weeks into October.  He wants to travel at Christmas.  To have the kids on at least part of the day of Christmas as well.  He also wants to meet with my aunt and uncle when they are traveling through our state. 
So, I took a deep breath.  And I wrote back.  I asked him if he really meant to take all of the Sundays.  And some other days too.  I explained that the kids need some down time with me as well. 
Then, turning to my aunt and uncle...I told him that they, and he, are free to meet with whom they choose.  I told him that I, however, would not be meeting together to discuss our ended marriage and that i would not be giving them details to make them take "my side".  Let him know that my aunt is completely in his corner. 
I went on to say that I am done with being married.  That what he does or doesn't do doesn't do doesn't change that.  I'm done.  Feels like I was on a tour of duty and survived.  And yet, I have flashbacks....moments of pain.  I wish that he could actually get what he has done to me.  I told him that I am where I am in  order to survive. 
My heart raced.  I was hot.  Then cold.  My head felt light.  Had that overwhelming tired feeling.  But, I DID IT.  I said it.  Fearful because whenever I bare my feelings like that, I get crushed.  But working on remembering that what he thinks or feels doesn't have to crush me anymore.
I spoke the truth.  Without malice.  And, I'd like to think, with love  Because he needs to hear....again apparently....that I have made my choice.  That I take full responsibility for it.  That I know that I was not without fault.  But nonetheless.....he needs to hear how I really wasn't making it.  He doesn't have to get it, but he does have to respect what I decided.  Because it's my life and I had to choose how to live it. 
blessings.

By Faith - Keith and Kristyn Getty

My LIfe

Some days, I feel less than whole.  Like I will not be able to be effectual nor useful to God in my singleness.  Somehow, that didn't seem true if I had never gotten married, but because I failed in STAYING married.  I'm trying to get past that part of life.  To see me through His eyes...not as more or less because of what I do but because of what He did for me.  That I am beloved.  Period.  And useful to Him because He can use anyone, anything.  Even a donkey.  Even a fig tree.  Even a cross of death.  He can make good of that which looks useless and done for and bring new life.  He is amazing enough.  I don't have to be.  Him in me.  Loving through me.  He's enough.
My life is simply one life.  Lived with a story.  To lead.  To follow.  To cherish.  To leave a legacy.  To give all that is in me for good and kindness.  To learn gentleness.  To be generous. 
My life is not over just because my marriage is done. 
But it's hard to believe in the midst of the grief and trying and needing to be so much to so many.  That's ok....I'm up to it.  Because I'm not having to do it all.  I just have to have the faith that God has it covered.  blessings.

"Holy Spirit" by Keith Getty and Stuart Townend

encouraged by....everything

I am easily encouraged.  It doesn't take a lot of fanfare and hoopla.  Just the idea that there is hope lifts my heart and gets me moving in a positive direction again. 
I have had a good week at school.
I had a few compliments.  They stroked my ego.  They don't necessarily mean anything, but they are nice to have.  It's nice to have people around who make a little bit of a deal over what I'm doing. 
Crazy though it is.  I think it's because the only time I was complimented in marriage was when it was to benefit him....he complimented me to get me to repeat a behavior.  To do what was good for him.  It's crazy how my own life wasn't ever about me in my marriage.
So, it's like being single encourages me.  Lifts me back up.  Not on some pedestal, but to the land of mattering.  Of humanity.  Of being important because I was made in His image. 
I am happy with that.  Gleeful, even. 
I am better.  A little bit all of the time.  He knocks me down, but only temporarily.
Tomorrow I was thinking how fun it would be to take the kids and go to first service and then just go do fun stuff.  He goes to teach their youth group during first service.  I just want to have some control over going to church.  Over getting to sit with the kids now and then without him sitting two rows behind and joining us right after the service.
But I am encourage.  By the weather.  By people.  By animals.  By activities.  I'm pretty easy.  I find all kinds of things to be positive about.  Yep. 
blessings.

Joy Nurturers

I have a joy stealer in my life.  Looking back, I realize that he has been sucking down joy for as long as I can remember.  Expecting me to keep providing more.  More hope.  More joy.  More peace.  Pushing always.  Causing me to always be on edge.  Worn out.  Troubled.  Feeling like I needed to make his world a better place.  But with him more or less....sometimes less, unfortunately....out of the picture....I have rediscovered....
JOY NURTURERS.
There are those that tend to joy like you tend a campfire when building it.  Paying attention.  Adding fuel where you need to.  Adding air.  Restarting it if it goes out.  Taking time.  Adding a bit at a time until it is a full blown fire and not just a spark.  I notice these people now.  They tend to having joy in their own lives.  And in others.  I want to BE a joy nurturer.  Someone who is cognizant of the fact that life is hard.  Messy.  Troublesome.  Dramatic.  Traumatic.  Full of the unexpected.  And that in the midst of every little thing, the good and even all of the bad, there is joy to be found.  That sometimes there's only a coal left, but it bears all of the hope of a full grown fire.  That tended properly, it will grow and consume.  Drawing others into it's warmth.
"I have come that you might have joy....and have it more abundantly."  Jesus. 
He loves us.  He instills joy at the deepest levels of our being.  We must tend it.  Let it overflow.  Grow.  Impact us.  Impact others.
I've met those who do so.  They inspire me.  They have nurtured the live coal that was left in my life.  They show me again how to laugh, smile and cry with joy. 
They are joy nurturers.  They are carriers of hope.
blessings.

The Nerve.

Tonight I was brazenly brave.  I went to the big school barbeque for the first big football came.  I went alone and sat with people...well, I took my kids but they have friends you know.  I visited.  I ate.  I even decided to go to part of the game though I knew the ex was coming.  But, I made a safety plan.  I sat on the opposite side of the band...where we have never sat in seven years of going to the barbeque.  Ever.  Never.  Not once.  Sat on the top row.  I was feeling pretty good.  Enjoying the beautiful evening....I'm not a football fan.  I was there to hear my daughter sing with her choir group and to hear the kids play in the band.  Lo and behold, the ex showed up and sat about four rows below.  Knowing I was there.  And there was only one row of people between us.  Then, he came up to talk to my friend that was sitting with me.  It was awful.  Horrible.  I nearly cried right there.  Felt like no matter what I do, he pushes.  Manipulates.  Troubles.  Always says that whatever I want is basically a bother, but that he will do it if I want him to because he is trying to do what I want.  But he doesn't live it out.  He just uses the words.  He is more and more visible.  And I become less and less visible in our church circle. 
For some reason tonight, I was remembering the final morning of our honeymoon when we were leaving Vail to go to Glenwood to meet up with family.  We had had no breakfast.  I was starving.  I'm always hungry. ;)  So, when we stopped at the gas station, I got a cup of coffee and a nice muffin.  I asked him if he wanted one.  He did not.  He didn't want to spend money on it.  Remember, we were on our honeymoon.  We hadn't even gone out to breakfast.  He was willing to wait until we met up with his parents or my grandparents.....who...yes, you guessed it...would pay the bill for a meal.  So, I get my muffin.  I plainly said that I didn't want to share.  I said that if he wanted one, he should choose one.  Nope.  So, we get in the car.  I open it up.  He wants a bite.  I wince.  I REALLY didn't want to share.  He made me feel guilty.  So, I say ok.  I mean, you're not supposed to be selfish, right?  Then, I've handed him the muffin, and in one bite, he eats the entire top.  Really.  It was shocking to me.  I could have cried.  I didn't understand.  I had said what I wanted.....but, I let it go.  It was only a muffin.
But now I know that it wasn't .  I know that he simply doesn't listen to what I say, want or need.  He's about him.  He manipulates me to get what he wants.  And what he really wants is to put me in a position where I bow to what he wants...where I give to him at my own cost.  It builds him up.  It strokes his ego.  Making me small makes him....powerful?  important?  I'm really not sure.  I just know that diminishing me helps him feel better.
So, tonight should not have hit me so hard.  But, of course, it did.  It sucked away my breath and made me feel like I was back in the position that I had to keep him happy.  The fear.  The trauma.  It all rises back up so quickly.
Good news though.  I am able to recover a little better now.  That's something.  But it still stinks. 
I hope he finds someone to date.  That way he'll quit pushing me.
gotta sleep.  been up a very long time.  blessings.