My ex has always had a way of draining me. Keep thinking that it will get easier. But the talons are in deep. I let him into the depths of my heart. I don't regret marrying him. I don't regret my children. But the regret I have is that I lost sight of me. That I feel guilty when I think of me. I am so sad that I can't stand up for myself. Or that....I am so conditioned that it makes me feel guilty.
Here I am. Big comfy comforter. Surrounded by pillows. All nicely washed today. Cold. Sick feeling. And yet...that bit of hope. Knowing that it will end eventually. That he can't control me anymore. That must irritate him.
Everything has been hard this week. He always makes everything hard. That is how he works. Make me say no. Push me to have to be the mean one....by setting a boundary......even if it should be reasonable.
Somehow, he makes me feel crazy nutso. Like I'm unreasonable for telling him not to ask the kids for my mail. Or asking him to let me know his plans before he tells the kids.....simply so I can plan. He says I hold all of the cards. Yet, he gets to choose when to jump in and do something and when to do whatever he wants. But ya know? Maybe I don't really care. Though it's not fair. Fair isn't what life is. I get to see them every day. See that they get their homework done. Teach them how to have good character. Teach them how much God loves them. Right now. Right as they are. I get to love on them. I guess that I can deal with the rest because it means having the freedom to breathe. To live again. And I wasn't making it before.
The part that hurts is how he keeps saying that he says that he takes responsibility.....but then he doesn't. Not for the deep parts. Not for the horrible pain that he has caused me. I hate that.
I am so very done. I'm glad I'm out.
I just need a hug. Sad to figure out that he's becoming more and more connected at church. I just need to let him do whatever he is going to do.
I need some time to breathe.
blessings.
Here I am. Big comfy comforter. Surrounded by pillows. All nicely washed today. Cold. Sick feeling. And yet...that bit of hope. Knowing that it will end eventually. That he can't control me anymore. That must irritate him.
Everything has been hard this week. He always makes everything hard. That is how he works. Make me say no. Push me to have to be the mean one....by setting a boundary......even if it should be reasonable.
Somehow, he makes me feel crazy nutso. Like I'm unreasonable for telling him not to ask the kids for my mail. Or asking him to let me know his plans before he tells the kids.....simply so I can plan. He says I hold all of the cards. Yet, he gets to choose when to jump in and do something and when to do whatever he wants. But ya know? Maybe I don't really care. Though it's not fair. Fair isn't what life is. I get to see them every day. See that they get their homework done. Teach them how to have good character. Teach them how much God loves them. Right now. Right as they are. I get to love on them. I guess that I can deal with the rest because it means having the freedom to breathe. To live again. And I wasn't making it before.
The part that hurts is how he keeps saying that he says that he takes responsibility.....but then he doesn't. Not for the deep parts. Not for the horrible pain that he has caused me. I hate that.
I am so very done. I'm glad I'm out.
I just need a hug. Sad to figure out that he's becoming more and more connected at church. I just need to let him do whatever he is going to do.
I need some time to breathe.
blessings.
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