Sometimes I think that I should be nicer. That maybe I'm just silly and have no idea what's what. I second guess myself and wonder about the decision I have made. Not because I'm not happier, because I am. I can actually breathe. I can feel hope spring to life so easily. I feel a depth of joy that had been nearly crushed. But...still...seems selfish. Unkind. Like I should have made it work. You know, that feeling that is "maybe he wasn't as bad as I remember. (I just had a typo and spelled as with a second s...made me smile.) But, then things happen that remind me how desperate I had become. How hard it had become.
Today it was going to the bank and having the woman tell me that he had only finally come in to sign his paperwork. Nine days later. When I know that he had been able to go to the bank on Saturday because my son went with him to the bank to do his banking. She said that he was adamant that he is not divorced. True. But there is still legal paperwork that has divided our assets. I was just surprised that he hadn't done it. That he didn't want to do it. He had said that he would do it. He had said that the only reason he hadn't was because it couldn't be done without changing his account number. So, I made it possible and yet....he dug in his heels. She called him. She took care of it. But it made me shaky again. The remembering. The wondering why he can't honor me. But then, I felt the same way when married. As if what I thought or felt never ever mattered.
I'm glad to be moving on. But, today made me think that I might have to have the legal separation converted to a divorce in the future. And that's too bad. But I guess that he doesn't get the part that it's a bit of irony to be legally separated as a measure against not being divorced. I feel as if I have been divorced for years. But still trying to hold it all together. Glad to be able to quite holding it all together.
Balance. My word of the year. I am learning it.
Now. I've been awake for 16 hours and going for 15 of them....time to rest this girl.
Today it was going to the bank and having the woman tell me that he had only finally come in to sign his paperwork. Nine days later. When I know that he had been able to go to the bank on Saturday because my son went with him to the bank to do his banking. She said that he was adamant that he is not divorced. True. But there is still legal paperwork that has divided our assets. I was just surprised that he hadn't done it. That he didn't want to do it. He had said that he would do it. He had said that the only reason he hadn't was because it couldn't be done without changing his account number. So, I made it possible and yet....he dug in his heels. She called him. She took care of it. But it made me shaky again. The remembering. The wondering why he can't honor me. But then, I felt the same way when married. As if what I thought or felt never ever mattered.
I'm glad to be moving on. But, today made me think that I might have to have the legal separation converted to a divorce in the future. And that's too bad. But I guess that he doesn't get the part that it's a bit of irony to be legally separated as a measure against not being divorced. I feel as if I have been divorced for years. But still trying to hold it all together. Glad to be able to quite holding it all together.
Balance. My word of the year. I am learning it.
Now. I've been awake for 16 hours and going for 15 of them....time to rest this girl.
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