The Nerve.

Tonight I was brazenly brave.  I went to the big school barbeque for the first big football came.  I went alone and sat with people...well, I took my kids but they have friends you know.  I visited.  I ate.  I even decided to go to part of the game though I knew the ex was coming.  But, I made a safety plan.  I sat on the opposite side of the band...where we have never sat in seven years of going to the barbeque.  Ever.  Never.  Not once.  Sat on the top row.  I was feeling pretty good.  Enjoying the beautiful evening....I'm not a football fan.  I was there to hear my daughter sing with her choir group and to hear the kids play in the band.  Lo and behold, the ex showed up and sat about four rows below.  Knowing I was there.  And there was only one row of people between us.  Then, he came up to talk to my friend that was sitting with me.  It was awful.  Horrible.  I nearly cried right there.  Felt like no matter what I do, he pushes.  Manipulates.  Troubles.  Always says that whatever I want is basically a bother, but that he will do it if I want him to because he is trying to do what I want.  But he doesn't live it out.  He just uses the words.  He is more and more visible.  And I become less and less visible in our church circle. 
For some reason tonight, I was remembering the final morning of our honeymoon when we were leaving Vail to go to Glenwood to meet up with family.  We had had no breakfast.  I was starving.  I'm always hungry. ;)  So, when we stopped at the gas station, I got a cup of coffee and a nice muffin.  I asked him if he wanted one.  He did not.  He didn't want to spend money on it.  Remember, we were on our honeymoon.  We hadn't even gone out to breakfast.  He was willing to wait until we met up with his parents or my grandparents.....who...yes, you guessed it...would pay the bill for a meal.  So, I get my muffin.  I plainly said that I didn't want to share.  I said that if he wanted one, he should choose one.  Nope.  So, we get in the car.  I open it up.  He wants a bite.  I wince.  I REALLY didn't want to share.  He made me feel guilty.  So, I say ok.  I mean, you're not supposed to be selfish, right?  Then, I've handed him the muffin, and in one bite, he eats the entire top.  Really.  It was shocking to me.  I could have cried.  I didn't understand.  I had said what I wanted.....but, I let it go.  It was only a muffin.
But now I know that it wasn't .  I know that he simply doesn't listen to what I say, want or need.  He's about him.  He manipulates me to get what he wants.  And what he really wants is to put me in a position where I bow to what he wants...where I give to him at my own cost.  It builds him up.  It strokes his ego.  Making me small makes him....powerful?  important?  I'm really not sure.  I just know that diminishing me helps him feel better.
So, tonight should not have hit me so hard.  But, of course, it did.  It sucked away my breath and made me feel like I was back in the position that I had to keep him happy.  The fear.  The trauma.  It all rises back up so quickly.
Good news though.  I am able to recover a little better now.  That's something.  But it still stinks. 
I hope he finds someone to date.  That way he'll quit pushing me.
gotta sleep.  been up a very long time.  blessings.