Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me. I wonder why I wasn't enough. Beautiful enough. Smart enough. Politically informed enough. Neat enough. I wonder why he says to people how much he wants me back when he had me for twenty years and for most of them I felt like I was struggling to gain his acknowledgement. But it's so confusing when he acts so differently now. Took our son to lunch at a restaurant....he barely took me out when it was our anniversary...well, wouldn't happen without a coupon. Let's just say price mattered. A lot. Always. As if each thing we did counted against me. My value was small. He would not say that. Not now. I have increased in value now that I am apart from him. In his eyes.
Tough times for me. These days it's like everywhere I turn he's trying to show how marvelous he is. And I want to see him be that for the kids. But why not until he was single again? So confusing to me.
Sometimes I just wish that he would just be real. Not charming. Just truthful about how he really felt and what really was wrong. And tomorrow he leads games at church. And bought our daughter in law as well as the kids tickets for the event. He invited me. Knowing I would decline. But again, he comes off looking like a great guy. He always manages to do that while leaving me looking like an ass. And he always has. Wearying.
I don't even know how to explain it to anyone.
That nightmare? It was telling. A reminder. That charm is a mask. In my dream I remembered. Clearly. And it still hurts.
Sometimes, I wish that I didn't have to deal with his constant presence. He chose to live less than a mile from me. I pass him on the road regularly.
Sometimes I wish that I could just be how I feel.
Today I was flipping through pictures on facebook and someone had posted one of him with the kids. It was killer. I remember the trip. It was not too great for me. Not the part where he was in it. I'm glad it was good for the kids. I hope that it was. I just can barely deal with looking at things like that though.
Sometimes...I just wish I had time to heal without him being everywhere I am. And especially at church. And with my friends. So wearing.
sigh.
Tough times for me. These days it's like everywhere I turn he's trying to show how marvelous he is. And I want to see him be that for the kids. But why not until he was single again? So confusing to me.
Sometimes I just wish that he would just be real. Not charming. Just truthful about how he really felt and what really was wrong. And tomorrow he leads games at church. And bought our daughter in law as well as the kids tickets for the event. He invited me. Knowing I would decline. But again, he comes off looking like a great guy. He always manages to do that while leaving me looking like an ass. And he always has. Wearying.
I don't even know how to explain it to anyone.
That nightmare? It was telling. A reminder. That charm is a mask. In my dream I remembered. Clearly. And it still hurts.
Sometimes, I wish that I didn't have to deal with his constant presence. He chose to live less than a mile from me. I pass him on the road regularly.
Sometimes I wish that I could just be how I feel.
Today I was flipping through pictures on facebook and someone had posted one of him with the kids. It was killer. I remember the trip. It was not too great for me. Not the part where he was in it. I'm glad it was good for the kids. I hope that it was. I just can barely deal with looking at things like that though.
Sometimes...I just wish I had time to heal without him being everywhere I am. And especially at church. And with my friends. So wearing.
sigh.
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