A part of me just wants to go to the big event at my church today. A combined service outdoors. Fun times. Music. Sounds so good. Except for that part where he'll be there. And, a part that I have never put to words. I feel like a burden to my friends. Needy. Like I can't be left alone. Because, there is truth in it. I have near panic attacks when I find myself all alone. I've done it. I'm sure that I'll have to do it again. But it is so absolutely painful. Friends are like a covering in these awkward, sometimes harsh times. They are a barrier to those who seek to be bullyish or unkind. It's easier because when someone is with you, I have found that others behave better than if they happen to catch you alone. Me alone.
So, I am awake early. I will get bathed and dressed. But going? Probably not. Because being a burden is less than fun. And because I don't speak it, my friends don't say, "come along and be with us, we'll be your buffer."
My kids will be there. I hate the tears that spring forth. He makes it so vastly unfair. He jumps the gun and chooses every event. Hard for my heart. Hard to know how he likes to look so good. I don't even care if I look good when I'm there...I just don't want to be picked on. They will think as they choose, that I can't stop. I'm only interested in keeping myself from the whole having to constantly explain part. Because I don't want to. I don't find it to be the business of the people at church. I mean, maybe a few. But those he has already talked to.
And in this moment of frustration, I remember...he has never made life easier on me, taken the brunt of the trouble. He pushes it onto me. So, here I am. Even after apart. In that position. And in trying not to be....it costs me dearly. It costs me my home church. My comfort. My peace there.
I couldn't go on Friday night because I know that feeling all too well of waiting for him to walk in. Wondering where he is. Being constantly on edge. How hard it all is. How I wish that he wasn't so danged charming and popular.
Oh well. Can't change it. Not going to beg my friends. So...I'll just deal.
blessings.
So, I am awake early. I will get bathed and dressed. But going? Probably not. Because being a burden is less than fun. And because I don't speak it, my friends don't say, "come along and be with us, we'll be your buffer."
My kids will be there. I hate the tears that spring forth. He makes it so vastly unfair. He jumps the gun and chooses every event. Hard for my heart. Hard to know how he likes to look so good. I don't even care if I look good when I'm there...I just don't want to be picked on. They will think as they choose, that I can't stop. I'm only interested in keeping myself from the whole having to constantly explain part. Because I don't want to. I don't find it to be the business of the people at church. I mean, maybe a few. But those he has already talked to.
And in this moment of frustration, I remember...he has never made life easier on me, taken the brunt of the trouble. He pushes it onto me. So, here I am. Even after apart. In that position. And in trying not to be....it costs me dearly. It costs me my home church. My comfort. My peace there.
I couldn't go on Friday night because I know that feeling all too well of waiting for him to walk in. Wondering where he is. Being constantly on edge. How hard it all is. How I wish that he wasn't so danged charming and popular.
Oh well. Can't change it. Not going to beg my friends. So...I'll just deal.
blessings.
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