I'm easy to please. To help. To comfort. I was just thinking how I went to see my friend at work yesterday and she grasped my hand, put her other on my arm and looked into my eyes. We spoke for a minute at most. But she took that minute and gave it to me. Not in a distracted sort of way. I noticed. I spent so long with someone who couldn't give me time unless it was to argue. Even then, always with something else going too. I remember asking why I wasn't ever important enough to stop for. Stop doing what he was doing. Yet, a friend took a complete stop. Right in the middle of a work shift. Hmmm.
I need to remember the little kindnesses in my life when I feel so very lonely. I struggle with the fact that it's up to me to make moves in relationships. It's up to me to be an inviter. At work it is already happening that I am a giver. An encourager. It is who I am. I can't do it differently any more than I can breathe in water. At work, though, in this most amazing way....it is so very two sided. I give, but I am given to as well. It refreshes me. So many years spent investing...and not feeling badly about that as I was doing it...but finally coming to that point of realizing that if after twenty years he hadn't decided that I was valuable, then it probably wasn't going to happen.
At work, people are thankful to work with me. And I with them. We say so. We thank one another for kindnesses. One another. That Bible term that has always touched me. The term that takes us as humans and makes us one body. One group. To do for one another. I've always felt like if it was working right then it wouldn't be a few giving but all giving and receiving. That needs would be met.
I find it odd that I see the model being played out....no, not perfectly.....in a work environment. Odd, but good.
I'm easy. Easy to show love to. Easy to pick up on kindnesses.
Perhaps that is what has made me so sad lately. I tend to function on the lowest things that I need. With people, I mean. And to be content there. But while others can have meltdowns breakdowns or whatever and people see it and rally. That's the point where I feel lost. Because I don't want to over dramatize what is going on? If I get something out in words, it's usually pretty huge. I'm learning that most of the people who know me don't realize how hard it is for me to say the things that are killing me. How hard it is to just have the down time...I always perk up and help to carry someone else's stuff. And that's what people associate with me. It's my own fault. It's how I'm made. An extreme introvert.
That whole INFP personality thing.....it's a rough one. Instrospective. Intuitive.Feeling. Perceiving. Of all of the studies I've read, the most of the population that has this personality type is four percent. Most say closer to two percent. I'm thinking that it's rare enough that people just don't know what to do with it. http://neurolove.me/post/31840402988/personality And this site helped me too. I wish that people knew how it feels to be an introvert. Not shy in the "hide behind the skirts" kind of way.
I am struggling because I don't have anyone to come walk with me right now. Literally or figuratively. But....a lot of it is.....I don't just want anyone in the world. I am as it says in the article....loyal to a few. I will never be that person that has dozens of close friends. I'm glad others do. I just can't.
I wish that I had a mama who would call me. Not always have to be the one to reach out. I wish that sometimes my phone would ring with that voice just wanting to check on me.
K. well then. Guess I'll read. Stay busy. Clean my room. Burn some stuff. I'll be fine.
I love my kids, but sometimes having to be the emotional carrier of all of that stuff for so many for all of these years....it's wearing.
Guess I can be done "talking" now.
Just want you to know....all of those hurts that you live through are not the sum total of who you are. You are vastly precious to God. Made as you are. With intention. With a plan....
blessings.
I need to remember the little kindnesses in my life when I feel so very lonely. I struggle with the fact that it's up to me to make moves in relationships. It's up to me to be an inviter. At work it is already happening that I am a giver. An encourager. It is who I am. I can't do it differently any more than I can breathe in water. At work, though, in this most amazing way....it is so very two sided. I give, but I am given to as well. It refreshes me. So many years spent investing...and not feeling badly about that as I was doing it...but finally coming to that point of realizing that if after twenty years he hadn't decided that I was valuable, then it probably wasn't going to happen.
At work, people are thankful to work with me. And I with them. We say so. We thank one another for kindnesses. One another. That Bible term that has always touched me. The term that takes us as humans and makes us one body. One group. To do for one another. I've always felt like if it was working right then it wouldn't be a few giving but all giving and receiving. That needs would be met.
I find it odd that I see the model being played out....no, not perfectly.....in a work environment. Odd, but good.
I'm easy. Easy to show love to. Easy to pick up on kindnesses.
Perhaps that is what has made me so sad lately. I tend to function on the lowest things that I need. With people, I mean. And to be content there. But while others can have meltdowns breakdowns or whatever and people see it and rally. That's the point where I feel lost. Because I don't want to over dramatize what is going on? If I get something out in words, it's usually pretty huge. I'm learning that most of the people who know me don't realize how hard it is for me to say the things that are killing me. How hard it is to just have the down time...I always perk up and help to carry someone else's stuff. And that's what people associate with me. It's my own fault. It's how I'm made. An extreme introvert.
That whole INFP personality thing.....it's a rough one. Instrospective. Intuitive.Feeling. Perceiving. Of all of the studies I've read, the most of the population that has this personality type is four percent. Most say closer to two percent. I'm thinking that it's rare enough that people just don't know what to do with it. http://neurolove.me/post/31840402988/personality And this site helped me too. I wish that people knew how it feels to be an introvert. Not shy in the "hide behind the skirts" kind of way.
I am struggling because I don't have anyone to come walk with me right now. Literally or figuratively. But....a lot of it is.....I don't just want anyone in the world. I am as it says in the article....loyal to a few. I will never be that person that has dozens of close friends. I'm glad others do. I just can't.
I wish that I had a mama who would call me. Not always have to be the one to reach out. I wish that sometimes my phone would ring with that voice just wanting to check on me.
K. well then. Guess I'll read. Stay busy. Clean my room. Burn some stuff. I'll be fine.
I love my kids, but sometimes having to be the emotional carrier of all of that stuff for so many for all of these years....it's wearing.
Guess I can be done "talking" now.
Just want you to know....all of those hurts that you live through are not the sum total of who you are. You are vastly precious to God. Made as you are. With intention. With a plan....
blessings.
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