I have barely made it through the day physically...and yet....there it is....I DID. Something in me is doing better now that I know that I can rest when I need to. Say yes or say no. Choose.
One of my sons called me today. Big party this weekend. Wondering if I'll be able to make it. I said that it would be hard...but that it is what it is. He gets it....and he's irritated that it interferes with his plans and desires. I get that.
But I can't explain to him or really anyone close around here how much better I feel. Yes...even being sick. Not having to make life work for him. Not having to hide or be cornered. Not being forced to do or choose what he wants. Not having finances constantly held over my head. In a very bad and unhealthy way. Always as if the world is coming to an end. The stress that comes even just writing about it is immense. It was a type of abuse. Of not having the idea that God somehow likes us better when we do well constantly portrayed. That we must constantly measure our goodness. Compete.
Really, I can't adequately describe how fast this nearly month has gone by. It feels so amazingly wonderful. Hugely so. Massively. But I have to swallow it back and not tell people because they find it offensive. Which, I do understand since they know him as well. But there are moments that I could dance a jig. Where I sing aloud. Where I am simply blessed beyond words to know that I am free of the tyranny.
And yes, I still mourn. But what I mourn for is what MIGHT have been...not what was. I mourn that things were so bad. I mourn that I don't miss him or the marriage more. I am sad that I was so very done.
And I am relieved to have a chance to move forward. To get "unstuck". To learn to thrive and not just survive.
I know that it will all be just fine in time. And I know that some are simply waiting for us to get back together. And some just can't handle the fact that we aren't together....and that I'm happy. So, I have to keep it quiet. But I praise God daily. I thank Him for saving me. For pulling me out of the pit. For putting my feet on solid ground.
Happy. I know...amazing. In the midst of it all. I'm actually becoming for real happy. Not trying to be. Not forcing it. Not working to be content. Simply....content. And sometimes I feel like I have to apologize to everyone. But then....I've kinda decided...NAH. Not gonna do it. They can take me or leave me. Period.
blessings.
One of my sons called me today. Big party this weekend. Wondering if I'll be able to make it. I said that it would be hard...but that it is what it is. He gets it....and he's irritated that it interferes with his plans and desires. I get that.
But I can't explain to him or really anyone close around here how much better I feel. Yes...even being sick. Not having to make life work for him. Not having to hide or be cornered. Not being forced to do or choose what he wants. Not having finances constantly held over my head. In a very bad and unhealthy way. Always as if the world is coming to an end. The stress that comes even just writing about it is immense. It was a type of abuse. Of not having the idea that God somehow likes us better when we do well constantly portrayed. That we must constantly measure our goodness. Compete.
Really, I can't adequately describe how fast this nearly month has gone by. It feels so amazingly wonderful. Hugely so. Massively. But I have to swallow it back and not tell people because they find it offensive. Which, I do understand since they know him as well. But there are moments that I could dance a jig. Where I sing aloud. Where I am simply blessed beyond words to know that I am free of the tyranny.
And yes, I still mourn. But what I mourn for is what MIGHT have been...not what was. I mourn that things were so bad. I mourn that I don't miss him or the marriage more. I am sad that I was so very done.
And I am relieved to have a chance to move forward. To get "unstuck". To learn to thrive and not just survive.
I know that it will all be just fine in time. And I know that some are simply waiting for us to get back together. And some just can't handle the fact that we aren't together....and that I'm happy. So, I have to keep it quiet. But I praise God daily. I thank Him for saving me. For pulling me out of the pit. For putting my feet on solid ground.
Happy. I know...amazing. In the midst of it all. I'm actually becoming for real happy. Not trying to be. Not forcing it. Not working to be content. Simply....content. And sometimes I feel like I have to apologize to everyone. But then....I've kinda decided...NAH. Not gonna do it. They can take me or leave me. Period.
blessings.
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