Someday, I want a home all of my own. Where I can do as I please and rest when I want to. Where I have a comfy bed and lots of books. Where my nice bathtub is ready for me to bathe and my coffee pot doesn't sit with old coffee in it. I want my own place. Visitors will be lovely. I'm sure I'll welcome friends and family alike. Yet, when it's time and they all go...I want to know that I have a home. A place of my own. A place where I can breathe without fear. Where I get to decide without a fight. Where the world doesn't end if I decide not to cook.
Someday I want to wear flowing dresses and sandals or slingbacks. I want to go shopping and for tea. Sit on the patio. Rest. Stop and enjoy life. It feels like everyone is in such a hurry. No time for anyone or anything. I want to linger. To abserve.
Someday, I want to choose what to do if I have ten dollars...or a hundred...or a thousand...or a hundred thousand. I just want to choose without fear. What to buy. What to enjoy. What to save.
Someday, I want to travel. To go to Europe. Stay in small towns. Visit Italy, Germany and France. Maybe even Czechoslavakia. I want to drink the coffee and sample the pastries. I want to take time to know some people and enjoy the culture. Not so touristy....just a journey.
Someday, I want to publish a book....a book that will maybe speak to someone and let them know that they are not alone. I want to write under a pseudonym. I want to write not fearing being found out or questioned. I get so tired of being asked what I'm doing. Of being walked up behind by my husband if I stay up late or get up early. I am braver...but I want not to have to be brave, I just want to feel free.
Someday will come. Because it remains alive in my heart. Someday, I will walk upon the reality of my dreams.
grace to you.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
DQ and Jammies
My three youngest "kids" and I went to the DQ drive through.....two of us in our jammies. It was really fun. I like being with them. Life seeing how thankful they are for little things. Memories are made of such little moments. I like that too.
I am finding myself rather alone in life as far as adult world. It's as if there's nobody to really talk to. So, I make memories. I write. I look for work. I try really hard to simply know that the world is full of times that are like this and that I will make it through.
Feels like I'm a bother. I guess that is because....I am these days. I'm probably not that much fun and really, I don't have it in me to fake it. I have been trying to keep from pulling others down and from causing discomfort, but I'm pretty sure that I do anyway. But, I am where I am. I simply can't worry about it anymore.
I just need time. I need to enjoy little things. Like DQ in jammies. Like a good book. Like rest. I don't think many people will be calling me up these days. But, these days will pass. And eventually, I will be again the person that I long to know....that I long to be. Until then I will need to be patient. Need to know that the lonely days won't be forever. And know that people are just doing the best that they can in the world. Just like me.
Making memories. Staying connected with my kids. That I can do. I can't make myself any other family, though I wish daily that I had some. Someone who would call me up because I'm theirs. Ok, I need not to go there late at night. My husband has his family. I have none. End of story. I just need to live my life in joy and peace. Find the good and excellent and dwell on it.
Like a butterfinger blizzard. It had been a LONG time.
grace to you.
I am finding myself rather alone in life as far as adult world. It's as if there's nobody to really talk to. So, I make memories. I write. I look for work. I try really hard to simply know that the world is full of times that are like this and that I will make it through.
Feels like I'm a bother. I guess that is because....I am these days. I'm probably not that much fun and really, I don't have it in me to fake it. I have been trying to keep from pulling others down and from causing discomfort, but I'm pretty sure that I do anyway. But, I am where I am. I simply can't worry about it anymore.
I just need time. I need to enjoy little things. Like DQ in jammies. Like a good book. Like rest. I don't think many people will be calling me up these days. But, these days will pass. And eventually, I will be again the person that I long to know....that I long to be. Until then I will need to be patient. Need to know that the lonely days won't be forever. And know that people are just doing the best that they can in the world. Just like me.
Making memories. Staying connected with my kids. That I can do. I can't make myself any other family, though I wish daily that I had some. Someone who would call me up because I'm theirs. Ok, I need not to go there late at night. My husband has his family. I have none. End of story. I just need to live my life in joy and peace. Find the good and excellent and dwell on it.
Like a butterfinger blizzard. It had been a LONG time.
grace to you.
Delays Expected
Driving along in the summertime, there are all kinds of signs regarding being careful because road construction is going on. Today I saw "delays expected" and I kind of wished that I could wear one of those signs for awhile. Though I am functioning and though I am doing fairly well....well, sometimes, there are "delays". And, frankly, they should be expected. I am not as on top of things as I'd like to be. I am not as quick to see things as I'd like. Hey, when you live through your own personal hell, you have to give yourself time to heal. Time to slow down. It should be expected.
"Bumps ahead" is another one that caught my eye. I wish that in real life there were signs that told us what to expect. Because, what I find in life is that i can be rocking along and enjoying life when out of nowhere it's as if a big bump pops up and whams me. And I am startled. Taken by surprise. I had no idea that that person would respond that way or that that situation would turn so bad. A sign would certainly be useful.
But, there are no signs. And, it isn't really realistic to wear a delays expected sign. Perhaps a little pin. However, maybe it's enough to give myself that time. To know that I'm doing the best that I can. To know that I should expect the delays that occur in mind and heart and body. That it's ok and normal. Even if nobody else understands. I'm hoping that one day I'll get to ride along a smoother road....but in my state, construction seems a permanent part of life.
grace to you.
"Bumps ahead" is another one that caught my eye. I wish that in real life there were signs that told us what to expect. Because, what I find in life is that i can be rocking along and enjoying life when out of nowhere it's as if a big bump pops up and whams me. And I am startled. Taken by surprise. I had no idea that that person would respond that way or that that situation would turn so bad. A sign would certainly be useful.
But, there are no signs. And, it isn't really realistic to wear a delays expected sign. Perhaps a little pin. However, maybe it's enough to give myself that time. To know that I'm doing the best that I can. To know that I should expect the delays that occur in mind and heart and body. That it's ok and normal. Even if nobody else understands. I'm hoping that one day I'll get to ride along a smoother road....but in my state, construction seems a permanent part of life.
grace to you.
Framework
For anything that is being built, the framework is important. It determines size, shape, soundness. The framework holds up everything else. Sometimes, people acquire someone else's framework when building a house. They buy a partially completed project. That's fine. IF the framework was well done and fits their needs. But if it has one humongous bedroom and no other bedrooms and they have three kids, there is trouble brewing no matter how nice the house looks. It will never be their home because it doesn't fit their needs.
A framework can also be there stylistically. A color scheme, a shape, a pallet. The colors of tile, paint and flooring help to determine what should go into a room.
So, if the framework is off; if it doesn't suit you, then the finished product will always be off as well. For years, I have struggled to decorate in my remodeled home that has some basic "framework" issues. Some tile that I really don't like, a paint color that is truly my least favorite color ever. Yes, I had an interior designer. I'm sure that she did a great job. Just...not for ME. For instance, I wanted white cupboards. Simple enough. We were buying all new ones anyway. Nope. Apparently I didn't want them....I was going to be much happier with a frost colored natural wood. Can you say pink? Ick. So, for the years back in my house, I have had pink cupboards. Not really...they are wood colored, but it's a pink undertone. I have to try to decorate around them Try to not notice them. Keep them clean. Treat them as if they are what I want because they are what I have. I got....stuck. At least for this time.
Well now, as you can imagine, I am alluding to something deeper. My marriage is very similar. I have had to decorate around something I never wanted. Oh, I wanted a marriage...just like I wanted cupboards.....but, I wanted a real marriage. I wanted to be cherished. I didn't want to always walk around trying to figure out how to make someone else happy that simply doesn't want to be happy. I wanted give and take. Communication. Spiritual growth together. I wanted ministry and hospitality and openness to reign in our home. For stuff to come second to the people that would come. I wanted to be someone he was proud of. None of these things are true. Oh, I fought to make some of them appear to be true. I bent and pulled and worked. I was trying to change the basic framework. But the thing is that at the very base......he is ashamed of me And that is the framework. Ashamed of what i do, how I do it and the person I am. He covers it up. He "tries" to behave as if he can or is changing it. But, the framework isn't changing. And as much as I "decorate" around it, the truth is....I want white cupboards. I want what I really wanted in the first place. I was up front and honest about what I wanted. No hidden agendas. I asked questions. He answered. But, what he never said was that he was too insecure to choose what he wanted. That it's easier to choose and then make someone feel badly about how they aren't what they should be. He has guilted me for so many years. About money. About housekeeping. About sex. About rest. About parenting. About driving. About yardwork. About how I spend my time. About running the water when I brush my teeth, taking too long of showers. About going to things he wants me to go to. About his family. Oh, always about his family. But he doesn't have a clue about what I need or how I work or what my internal framework is....and how hard I have worked to change and rearrange, to put myself aside, to live in his framework. To make it work. It should have been a joining, but that wasn't enough. He has to be "right" and has to have it how he wants it. And this framework based on guilt and trying to please....trying to be the "good christian woman"...is faulty. It's not what God has.
I know that it's all messed up when I am relieved to see his car gone. Thankful he has late meetings. Has to go in early. Has to do something on Saturday.
It worked for many years because he worked at night. Slept in the day. Spent very little time with us. I was happier with that. Although, I remember one night, I completely lost it. Another guilt trip. Another dose of what I wasn't. And I was done. The darkness at that point in life was suicidal. I just wanted to die. But how could I tell anyone that Mr. Perfect was the one pushing me there? That his constant blame and pushing was driving me crazy. Literally, I feared. I told him it was killing me. He called friends to "talk to me"...and he acted like he had no clue what might be wrong. Talk about feeling like a complete idiot. He would use people like that. Knowing that I wouldn't rat him out. That I wouldn't say that he was such a jerk and he knows exactly why I'm saying this.
He does not support. Does not protect. Does not give to others in his family.
He has a lot of attributes. He is a hard worker. He saves money. He can be very funny. He likes ot play sports. He sings well.
But, unfortunately, those "decorations" aren't helping the framework anymore than rearranging the furniture helps with a horrible paint color.
And, I've spoken over and over about us rebuilding. Making a firm framework. His idea is that a firm framework is from simply being committed. Mine is that being committed comes from building something worth being committed to. And. I'm done. Sad though it is. I'm tired of being the scapegoat and go to person for all of life's woes. I am ready to live.
I can't change our framework by myself. God does know that I have tried to make it so....but, I can change the framework of my life. And I choose to.
Gotta paint the cupboards. It's going to be a tremendous amount of work. But, it's a step toward the proper framework for my home.
grace to you
A framework can also be there stylistically. A color scheme, a shape, a pallet. The colors of tile, paint and flooring help to determine what should go into a room.
So, if the framework is off; if it doesn't suit you, then the finished product will always be off as well. For years, I have struggled to decorate in my remodeled home that has some basic "framework" issues. Some tile that I really don't like, a paint color that is truly my least favorite color ever. Yes, I had an interior designer. I'm sure that she did a great job. Just...not for ME. For instance, I wanted white cupboards. Simple enough. We were buying all new ones anyway. Nope. Apparently I didn't want them....I was going to be much happier with a frost colored natural wood. Can you say pink? Ick. So, for the years back in my house, I have had pink cupboards. Not really...they are wood colored, but it's a pink undertone. I have to try to decorate around them Try to not notice them. Keep them clean. Treat them as if they are what I want because they are what I have. I got....stuck. At least for this time.
Well now, as you can imagine, I am alluding to something deeper. My marriage is very similar. I have had to decorate around something I never wanted. Oh, I wanted a marriage...just like I wanted cupboards.....but, I wanted a real marriage. I wanted to be cherished. I didn't want to always walk around trying to figure out how to make someone else happy that simply doesn't want to be happy. I wanted give and take. Communication. Spiritual growth together. I wanted ministry and hospitality and openness to reign in our home. For stuff to come second to the people that would come. I wanted to be someone he was proud of. None of these things are true. Oh, I fought to make some of them appear to be true. I bent and pulled and worked. I was trying to change the basic framework. But the thing is that at the very base......he is ashamed of me And that is the framework. Ashamed of what i do, how I do it and the person I am. He covers it up. He "tries" to behave as if he can or is changing it. But, the framework isn't changing. And as much as I "decorate" around it, the truth is....I want white cupboards. I want what I really wanted in the first place. I was up front and honest about what I wanted. No hidden agendas. I asked questions. He answered. But, what he never said was that he was too insecure to choose what he wanted. That it's easier to choose and then make someone feel badly about how they aren't what they should be. He has guilted me for so many years. About money. About housekeeping. About sex. About rest. About parenting. About driving. About yardwork. About how I spend my time. About running the water when I brush my teeth, taking too long of showers. About going to things he wants me to go to. About his family. Oh, always about his family. But he doesn't have a clue about what I need or how I work or what my internal framework is....and how hard I have worked to change and rearrange, to put myself aside, to live in his framework. To make it work. It should have been a joining, but that wasn't enough. He has to be "right" and has to have it how he wants it. And this framework based on guilt and trying to please....trying to be the "good christian woman"...is faulty. It's not what God has.
I know that it's all messed up when I am relieved to see his car gone. Thankful he has late meetings. Has to go in early. Has to do something on Saturday.
It worked for many years because he worked at night. Slept in the day. Spent very little time with us. I was happier with that. Although, I remember one night, I completely lost it. Another guilt trip. Another dose of what I wasn't. And I was done. The darkness at that point in life was suicidal. I just wanted to die. But how could I tell anyone that Mr. Perfect was the one pushing me there? That his constant blame and pushing was driving me crazy. Literally, I feared. I told him it was killing me. He called friends to "talk to me"...and he acted like he had no clue what might be wrong. Talk about feeling like a complete idiot. He would use people like that. Knowing that I wouldn't rat him out. That I wouldn't say that he was such a jerk and he knows exactly why I'm saying this.
He does not support. Does not protect. Does not give to others in his family.
He has a lot of attributes. He is a hard worker. He saves money. He can be very funny. He likes ot play sports. He sings well.
But, unfortunately, those "decorations" aren't helping the framework anymore than rearranging the furniture helps with a horrible paint color.
And, I've spoken over and over about us rebuilding. Making a firm framework. His idea is that a firm framework is from simply being committed. Mine is that being committed comes from building something worth being committed to. And. I'm done. Sad though it is. I'm tired of being the scapegoat and go to person for all of life's woes. I am ready to live.
I can't change our framework by myself. God does know that I have tried to make it so....but, I can change the framework of my life. And I choose to.
Gotta paint the cupboards. It's going to be a tremendous amount of work. But, it's a step toward the proper framework for my home.
grace to you
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Beauty of the Broken Heart
Perhaps one reason that I am seeing an artistic side is that there is an intrinsic beauty in a broken, yet caring, heart. In a heart that know that she doesn't have everything together. That she has a lot to learn. A lot of risks to take. But is willing to try anyway. Who is willing to come to that precipice and not shrink back in fear....but instead finding a way across. Whether it is to jump. To fly. To climb. To build a bridge. To just continue believing that there is a way across.
I spent most of my adult years trying to cross that precipice with my husband. I don't mean with him as in side by side, but he WAS the precipice. He has been the hard part. The part that has demanded constant prayer, working, trying. It's not that marriage shouldn't be that in some ways, but I think that there should be times when you can let your guard down. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Always wondering what I had done wrong now.
A few weeks ago he called and said that he was changing phones....company giving him a smart phone. Paying for service. My daughter was going to get his old service. But, he simply CAN'T decide. He is terrified to leave his old number. Afraid she will get his calls. And I wonder.....who is calling that it would be a problem? So, he refuses to decide. Doesn't want two phones because that is difficult to manage. Wants to stay on our family plan, but doesn't want to pay to buy the smart phone. So, no decision. And, I got angry. Before I thought I said that if he wasn't so stubborn it would already be done. He wants it all. Nothing is just right. I backed off and didn't fight. It's not worth it.
But, she is worth it. So, maybe I can get her a phone for Christmas anyway. We'll see.
The beauty of the broken heart is that the painful parts make cracks and the hurts make holes, but the Maker lovingly heals and creates beauty. Using each crack as a part of something amazingly unique and wonderful. I must learn to be angry yet not sin. And to learn that sometimes anger is not a sin but simply a response to injustice. I don't need to feel guilty every time I feel angry. But, I do need to deal with it. I do need to own it. I do need to forgive myself too. The beauty is that some of the best art has endured over the years becoming even more beautiful through the wearing and aging. I am finding that. I want to strive for that. And, to go with the inner beauty, I want to remember to put beauty around me too. It is healing. It is a reminder. Probably why I love those old frames and mirror that are aged and discolored and lined. They remind me of myself. And, like them, I have to learn that I am beautiful just as I am.
grace to you
I spent most of my adult years trying to cross that precipice with my husband. I don't mean with him as in side by side, but he WAS the precipice. He has been the hard part. The part that has demanded constant prayer, working, trying. It's not that marriage shouldn't be that in some ways, but I think that there should be times when you can let your guard down. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Always wondering what I had done wrong now.
A few weeks ago he called and said that he was changing phones....company giving him a smart phone. Paying for service. My daughter was going to get his old service. But, he simply CAN'T decide. He is terrified to leave his old number. Afraid she will get his calls. And I wonder.....who is calling that it would be a problem? So, he refuses to decide. Doesn't want two phones because that is difficult to manage. Wants to stay on our family plan, but doesn't want to pay to buy the smart phone. So, no decision. And, I got angry. Before I thought I said that if he wasn't so stubborn it would already be done. He wants it all. Nothing is just right. I backed off and didn't fight. It's not worth it.
But, she is worth it. So, maybe I can get her a phone for Christmas anyway. We'll see.
The beauty of the broken heart is that the painful parts make cracks and the hurts make holes, but the Maker lovingly heals and creates beauty. Using each crack as a part of something amazingly unique and wonderful. I must learn to be angry yet not sin. And to learn that sometimes anger is not a sin but simply a response to injustice. I don't need to feel guilty every time I feel angry. But, I do need to deal with it. I do need to own it. I do need to forgive myself too. The beauty is that some of the best art has endured over the years becoming even more beautiful through the wearing and aging. I am finding that. I want to strive for that. And, to go with the inner beauty, I want to remember to put beauty around me too. It is healing. It is a reminder. Probably why I love those old frames and mirror that are aged and discolored and lined. They remind me of myself. And, like them, I have to learn that I am beautiful just as I am.
grace to you
I Can't Believe It
You would think that I would be immune to the hurt and the self-centered way he lives his life. But, I often get sucker punched. I think that happens because basically I like to believe the best about people. I kinda figure that they are all just doing the best that they can. I guess it's true of him too. It just doesn't mesh well when trying to be married to him.
So, the chick...he already knew it was dead. Didn't tell anyone. Didn't do anything about it. Last night he took it out and threw it in a corner of the yard. The chihuahua hauled it back out to the middle. This morning she was trying to get something out there and I was trying to figure it out and he told me that he had tossed it out there. I worked hard to save that chick. I cared about it. My daughter carried it around in a washcloth blankie. And he throws it in the yard. So, I'll go bury it so my daughter doesn't see it. And I will get over my hurt. And, yes,my anger. Because I am angry. Angry that he behaves as if all of the rest of us don't care about our animals. Ridicules us in front of others about why we shouldn't have had another dog. Says that we are not responsible. I hurt for my kids that never get accolades for taking care of his chickens.
And now, beyond the animal thing, his chronic guilt trip is about how he doesn't "get" to go on a trip to New York that his church choir is going on. He took off work and just doesn't "get" to go. He didn't try. He didn't say he was or wasn't. All burden of decisions goes on me. I guess I was supposed to sign him up? Weird. I'm so done with this kind of stuff. Of being made to feel an inch tall because he didn't have his needs met.
I lived life trying to say the good about him. Trying to build him up. I read the books, read the Bible, listened to the older ladies. I did what was supposed to work. I prayed. I cried. I hoped. I accepted him. But he has never figured out that I gave a gift. Because to him, I have never given enough. And it will never be enough. And I've just got to realize that and go on. But it's hard to do. But, holding on to someone who sucks up the hope and joy and energy...well, that's even harder. Neither choice is what I wanted. Explaining why I've gone for over 20 years with this problem. I WANT to have the marriage that was great. Not the fake marriage. Not the tolerance marriage. I didn't want the ended marriage. But, I got it anyway. Because the bottom line is that marriage isn't the paper that is filed in court...it is so much more. And when the so much more part goes away, it doesn't really matter what is filed in court. It's so sad that most days I just can't wait until he is gone and I don't have to be in the same house with him. So sad that he missed out on someone who would give everything. And, saddest of all...he doesn't even notice. He notices me not in his bed. But he doesn't notice lack of relationship because he is about him. I need to remember that. I need to forgive, but I need to NOT forget. Because it's like I always forget and keep acting as if he cares like he should...and then the hurt comes all over again. I need out of that cycle. He only cares for what he gains. He only gives to gain for himself. Period. He cries to gain control. He simply gets worse, not better, over time.
And, I need to remember...I am beloved. I am cherished. I am worth dying for. Because I have been. And today, I'm going to live as that girl.
Gotta go bury Omelette, our little chick. Strange that those words made me cry. I love easily. I had forgotten that it's one of my great points.
grace to you.
So, the chick...he already knew it was dead. Didn't tell anyone. Didn't do anything about it. Last night he took it out and threw it in a corner of the yard. The chihuahua hauled it back out to the middle. This morning she was trying to get something out there and I was trying to figure it out and he told me that he had tossed it out there. I worked hard to save that chick. I cared about it. My daughter carried it around in a washcloth blankie. And he throws it in the yard. So, I'll go bury it so my daughter doesn't see it. And I will get over my hurt. And, yes,my anger. Because I am angry. Angry that he behaves as if all of the rest of us don't care about our animals. Ridicules us in front of others about why we shouldn't have had another dog. Says that we are not responsible. I hurt for my kids that never get accolades for taking care of his chickens.
And now, beyond the animal thing, his chronic guilt trip is about how he doesn't "get" to go on a trip to New York that his church choir is going on. He took off work and just doesn't "get" to go. He didn't try. He didn't say he was or wasn't. All burden of decisions goes on me. I guess I was supposed to sign him up? Weird. I'm so done with this kind of stuff. Of being made to feel an inch tall because he didn't have his needs met.
I lived life trying to say the good about him. Trying to build him up. I read the books, read the Bible, listened to the older ladies. I did what was supposed to work. I prayed. I cried. I hoped. I accepted him. But he has never figured out that I gave a gift. Because to him, I have never given enough. And it will never be enough. And I've just got to realize that and go on. But it's hard to do. But, holding on to someone who sucks up the hope and joy and energy...well, that's even harder. Neither choice is what I wanted. Explaining why I've gone for over 20 years with this problem. I WANT to have the marriage that was great. Not the fake marriage. Not the tolerance marriage. I didn't want the ended marriage. But, I got it anyway. Because the bottom line is that marriage isn't the paper that is filed in court...it is so much more. And when the so much more part goes away, it doesn't really matter what is filed in court. It's so sad that most days I just can't wait until he is gone and I don't have to be in the same house with him. So sad that he missed out on someone who would give everything. And, saddest of all...he doesn't even notice. He notices me not in his bed. But he doesn't notice lack of relationship because he is about him. I need to remember that. I need to forgive, but I need to NOT forget. Because it's like I always forget and keep acting as if he cares like he should...and then the hurt comes all over again. I need out of that cycle. He only cares for what he gains. He only gives to gain for himself. Period. He cries to gain control. He simply gets worse, not better, over time.
And, I need to remember...I am beloved. I am cherished. I am worth dying for. Because I have been. And today, I'm going to live as that girl.
Gotta go bury Omelette, our little chick. Strange that those words made me cry. I love easily. I had forgotten that it's one of my great points.
grace to you.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Sadness
All that work to save the baby chick. He didn't close the bathroom door. My daughter and I think that the cat killed it. Not sure. But it was fine and healthy and now...dead. I don't know why it makes me angry, but I'm trying to figure it out. I guess because the kids and I are accused of not taking care of "our" pets...of not feeding them or cleaning up or whatever. But, seriously.....he has gone from in the forties of chickens this year to maybe 20...and that's only because he has seven new ones. It's just .....sad. I'm not a farmer. That much is true.
I know that life is not fair. That expectations are differing from one person to another. But he is so hard on us. So demeaning. So easy on himself. Ok, I'll quit bellyaching.
On the good news.....7 sub jobs. Still looking. Have spent the day looking. Because it will be good for me to be brave.
grace to you.
I know that life is not fair. That expectations are differing from one person to another. But he is so hard on us. So demeaning. So easy on himself. Ok, I'll quit bellyaching.
On the good news.....7 sub jobs. Still looking. Have spent the day looking. Because it will be good for me to be brave.
grace to you.
Faith is a Verb
I've been wearing my daughter's faith (v.) dog tag necklace. It reminds me. Daily. Faith is a verb. Ok, faith is really a thing, making it a noun. But, deeper still, faith is a verb. An action. I have to choose faith over hopelessness. Over fear. Over intimidation. Over conformity. Over fitting in. I have to choose to remember, believe and act on the fact that God is always faithful and will continue to be when I falter, stumble, get scared or simply forget or lose my way. I have to remember that I'm not called to figure everything out. I just have to live to bring Him honor.
It's harder than it sounds. Much easier to simply fit in, look like everyone else, look like everything is fine. And, everything is fine. In a way. Though it's not. It is fine because He holds me. He holds my kids. He knows every need, hope, dream, vision, desire and unfulfilled gift. He not only knows, but He cares.
In the midst of this time. Of this day. This day where it's really hard because I had such a good week on my own...well, with the exception of having my dear boy go....and now it's back to the weight, the ick feeling. Blah. I don't like it.
But, I do have faith. That I am growing and learning. That I will be carried, led, fed and clothed. That He will be the fulfiller of my heart needs, the Lover of my soul. He even loves my soul! I love that! And He sees a purpose for my life. For me. Not just for me within my positions as wife and mother....but for me. I feel almost guilty saying it. I keep hearing how those things ARE the ministry. I think that they are to a degree....but I think that I do those things better when I find what I am supposed to be doing with God....that I walk my walk and my kids walk along seeing what God is about doing in my life and then they replicate it. I always believed that. Got lost. My focus is God. Not how He might fit around my family. Not how I can live life for Him in my spare moments. He is my breath. He is the faithful one. He is good. He is enough. For me. And, strangely, my little bit is enough.....for Him...because He is more than capable of making up the difference.
grace to you. i'm off to living faith as a verb. i hope.
It's harder than it sounds. Much easier to simply fit in, look like everyone else, look like everything is fine. And, everything is fine. In a way. Though it's not. It is fine because He holds me. He holds my kids. He knows every need, hope, dream, vision, desire and unfulfilled gift. He not only knows, but He cares.
In the midst of this time. Of this day. This day where it's really hard because I had such a good week on my own...well, with the exception of having my dear boy go....and now it's back to the weight, the ick feeling. Blah. I don't like it.
But, I do have faith. That I am growing and learning. That I will be carried, led, fed and clothed. That He will be the fulfiller of my heart needs, the Lover of my soul. He even loves my soul! I love that! And He sees a purpose for my life. For me. Not just for me within my positions as wife and mother....but for me. I feel almost guilty saying it. I keep hearing how those things ARE the ministry. I think that they are to a degree....but I think that I do those things better when I find what I am supposed to be doing with God....that I walk my walk and my kids walk along seeing what God is about doing in my life and then they replicate it. I always believed that. Got lost. My focus is God. Not how He might fit around my family. Not how I can live life for Him in my spare moments. He is my breath. He is the faithful one. He is good. He is enough. For me. And, strangely, my little bit is enough.....for Him...because He is more than capable of making up the difference.
grace to you. i'm off to living faith as a verb. i hope.
Cold
I have been doing so much better but sometimes, I just seem to fall apart somewhere inside. This morning I got home and my husband was still here. I had been looking forward to a few hours in the house on my own. It doesn't happen often in a family of our size. He did finally leave, but I was chilled to the bones. Couldn't warm up. Was working around and trying. Finally I had to go take a really hot bath to try to do it. Still just felt cold. Then, I mentally forced my body to "relax and let go"...and it was like the cold went out and the warm began to seep in. And I was neck deep in the steamy tub wondering why a body physically does that. Finally I realized that, for me, it's like a type of shock...my body behaves that way from the stress.
It's true that it has been better, but when this occurs, it just kind of throws me. Makes me uneasy. So, I'm going to take it easy this morning and try to remember the good things. Try to enjoy relaxing.
He came back and now it's all about what I am supposed to get done and performing. Yet, when he was gone, I did so much AND I rested and met my needs. Hard under the stress.
But, I am determined. Also, I am going to figure out whether to drive or fly to visit my son in November. If that works for him.
grace to you.
It's true that it has been better, but when this occurs, it just kind of throws me. Makes me uneasy. So, I'm going to take it easy this morning and try to remember the good things. Try to enjoy relaxing.
He came back and now it's all about what I am supposed to get done and performing. Yet, when he was gone, I did so much AND I rested and met my needs. Hard under the stress.
But, I am determined. Also, I am going to figure out whether to drive or fly to visit my son in November. If that works for him.
grace to you.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Beautiful
Being surrounded by the beautiful fills me. When things aren't chaotic. Today, I have made beautiful food. Pork chops seared then oven roasted with apple, jalapeno and onion slices, craisins, a little dried mustard, a little cajun pepper mix, salt and after cooking sealed tight, opened it up and added yellow squash, new potatoes, carrots, and asparagus. Then I closed it back up but didn't seal it...let out steam...to roast the veggies. Served with stuffing and salad. Oh my goodness, it's SO pretty. Ok. Enough bragging. I won't even be here to eat with all...have to go with son number one to see an apartment. That's ok though. It'll be always in my mind. I created texture, complementing colors and an aroma that's to die for.
I think that's why painting helps me too. To relax in the beautiful. In the soothing colors and the harmony. Hard to describe. Somewhere in there is some artist. Artist of what might be.
grace to you
I think that's why painting helps me too. To relax in the beautiful. In the soothing colors and the harmony. Hard to describe. Somewhere in there is some artist. Artist of what might be.
grace to you
Almost
I nearly made it to church. I was going to go when my family went.......but my husband came home and spent the between sunday school and church time and it was so awkward and I didn't want to ride together and I just wanted to go and focus on why I'm supposed to be there. But....
So, instead, I am listening to a message from the church that my son is going to try today. His first time of trying a church all on his own. As a matter of fact, he has been a part of a church most of his life. His hope today was to find a church he likes as well as his home church. I hope so too. So, he's trying something new today. May he be blessed and uplifted. God will go before Him. He will train him and teach him. Of that I can be sure. So, here I am attending church "with" him. Praying for him. Loving him. Guess that this is where I am supposed to be.
I am making perhaps the best, prettiest meal I have ever made. I mean it. I like to cook. But this is....beautiful. I am exploring around in my life for my artist. I like to cook. Lately it has been hard because my husband treats it as if it's something I do FOR him. That it is my duty etc. Today I took back the pleasure I get by just choosing to cook with the joy I find in it.
I almost went to church. I had the courage. That counts for a lot. Then, I chose the better thing...not forced....chose. I choose. You choose too. Enjoy it.
grace to you.
So, instead, I am listening to a message from the church that my son is going to try today. His first time of trying a church all on his own. As a matter of fact, he has been a part of a church most of his life. His hope today was to find a church he likes as well as his home church. I hope so too. So, he's trying something new today. May he be blessed and uplifted. God will go before Him. He will train him and teach him. Of that I can be sure. So, here I am attending church "with" him. Praying for him. Loving him. Guess that this is where I am supposed to be.
I am making perhaps the best, prettiest meal I have ever made. I mean it. I like to cook. But this is....beautiful. I am exploring around in my life for my artist. I like to cook. Lately it has been hard because my husband treats it as if it's something I do FOR him. That it is my duty etc. Today I took back the pleasure I get by just choosing to cook with the joy I find in it.
I almost went to church. I had the courage. That counts for a lot. Then, I chose the better thing...not forced....chose. I choose. You choose too. Enjoy it.
grace to you.
What the Future Holds
I was so convinced that I should go back to teaching. I really love the little kids. Really am good at some aspects. But, it didn't happen. And I could be depressed. Feel washed up and without purpose or talent. And, some moments, I wallow a bit. But mostly, my question is, "what do you have for me, God?" I can't wait to see. Because He plans good for me. To give me a future and a hope. To lift my head. He is good. Always. And, there are so many ways to survive financially in this world. I tend to limit it by my experience. I don't want to do that. I want to have my heart and eyes wide open to opportunities.
I have a friend who has some amazing talents. She actually creates products that she can sell. What a beautiful blessing. It's so easy to see her talent. To marvel at it. To dream and imagine the possibilities of what could be with such talent. And, therein is my talent. To see possibility. I am an artist of the dream. Of keeping hope alive. Of having faith. Of seeing the good. Of encouraging.
I don't know what my future holds, but though my talents are not so visible, I am going to begin by remembering that I have them. I am going to hold fast to that thought. And go from there.
grace to you. never give up.
I have a friend who has some amazing talents. She actually creates products that she can sell. What a beautiful blessing. It's so easy to see her talent. To marvel at it. To dream and imagine the possibilities of what could be with such talent. And, therein is my talent. To see possibility. I am an artist of the dream. Of keeping hope alive. Of having faith. Of seeing the good. Of encouraging.
I don't know what my future holds, but though my talents are not so visible, I am going to begin by remembering that I have them. I am going to hold fast to that thought. And go from there.
grace to you. never give up.
I Survived
The homecoming. I didn't freak out much while waiting. I made arrangements for someone to pick up. I stayed upto wait, though I have to say that I didn't really want to do that part, I just did it because it's the polite thing to do. Our kids were all in bed. I gave him his chick...it's still sleeping in a box in his room. It's hard that in the letting go is where I find a modicum.....like that word....of peace. That I have spent so long behaving as if it's alright and as if life is just perfect...and that behavior nearly cost me my very self. I wanted to behave as the christian woman that is revered in the church. I wanted to be what God wants of me. But, it turns out that sometimes what the church asks and what is really true are slightly skewed. Reading the Proverbs 31 woman, she is no pansy. She is not asking permission. She brings pride and joy from her family because she goes out and behaves with her God given talents. Not the other way...denies her God given talents and acts how her family expects. As far as being submissive, well, maybe I fail, but I've had lots of time to think about it. And I don't think its like the dog that cowers and wets submissively every time someone enters the room. I think it's more like the dog that walks confidently along the path seeking out new and different things but that hears when it's owner calls and knows that the call comes for it's own benefit.....safety, protection, food, care. It seems like the submissive that comes to mind in the church is the kind that is for the husband's benefit....to build him up, not to protect and help and build up the wife. But, when reading, I have begun to realize that Godly submission has to do with our own benefit. That God calls me to submit to Him not to build Himself up....I mean, He doesn't need it....but to protect me, to uplift me, to call me to be cared for, to spend time with me, and strangely, to even make me more "powerful". The kind of submission that calls for being powerless isn't Biblical. All people have been called to walk in the image of Jesus....and He was definitely NOT powerless. And the women prophets were wise and strong women. I am learning.
Problem is, you have to have someone to submit to. Someone has to be heading in a direction. Praying. Having plans. Dreams. Hopes. Not simply holding on, trying to stay in one place. I haven't had that. And, he wants me to make him feel more in control. He often waits until I make decisions, then he acts as if we made it.....and if it goes badly, then he can blame me for the results. I'm tired of that. Worn out from it. But, interestingly, this week, my life started falling into place. Having time not running to work. Having time to rest. Having time to really work hard....not for a business, not for him, but because it's actually on my mind.....this has been healing.
Sad to worry about how you'll survive when your spouse comes home. I you'll be able to even function. He smiles. He acts like things are all normal, but scares me with how he can behave as if I am invisible.unseen.....as if what I feel is trivial.
I survived pretty well. Then, he kind of cornered me in a room when I really didn't expect it. Grabbed me hard. Said thanks for planning the trip. But it didn't feel like a simple hug. It felt possessive. It felt.........uncomfortable. But, I shook it off and went to the couch to go to sleep. And later I realized that he tells me all about him, all about what he has done, all about the school. But, he never even asked about anyone here. About our kids meet...which we didn't go to. About school. About our son's leadership campout. About how anyone is growing or doing. About our son's heart monitor. Oh, we did talk about the chick. Apparently it's probably small because I'm not giving it the "right" food for chicks...of course, we don't have any, but that's besides the point. Oh, and it is small because it has a bad mother that doesn't teach it.....and killed two before they got out of the nest....so why weren't these chicks put away in the big trough we have to take care of them? Because he doesn't take that responsibility. It made me smile...it's a hen's fault. She is a bad mother hen, but we are the owners. He is the owner. We can pick up the slack.
Sad thing that I realized is that I've picked up some bad habits being married to him and I need to watch it. I used to listen well. Now, I'm so hungry to be heard...I don't do as well. I am interested, I'm just starving to be heard and encouraged that I take too many turn really difficult to keep my mindset right. I am an encourager. I have not been doing very well at that. I need to change. He might have behaviors. He might treat me and our family in ways that are not correct, but I am responsible for my own behavior and decisions.
I don't need anyone to tell me that I get to decide as it turns out. Because the thing is that I have had to learn to not only tell myself that....but DO it. And follow through.
Life is not in an easy place. But it is life. I am breathing. Growing. Learning.. Dreaming. I survived another hurdle. With less drama and pain. So, I know that strength is coming. Coming back. To a heart that nearly lost all strength. Now, on to Sunday.
grace to you.
Problem is, you have to have someone to submit to. Someone has to be heading in a direction. Praying. Having plans. Dreams. Hopes. Not simply holding on, trying to stay in one place. I haven't had that. And, he wants me to make him feel more in control. He often waits until I make decisions, then he acts as if we made it.....and if it goes badly, then he can blame me for the results. I'm tired of that. Worn out from it. But, interestingly, this week, my life started falling into place. Having time not running to work. Having time to rest. Having time to really work hard....not for a business, not for him, but because it's actually on my mind.....this has been healing.
Sad to worry about how you'll survive when your spouse comes home. I you'll be able to even function. He smiles. He acts like things are all normal, but scares me with how he can behave as if I am invisible.unseen.....as if what I feel is trivial.
I survived pretty well. Then, he kind of cornered me in a room when I really didn't expect it. Grabbed me hard. Said thanks for planning the trip. But it didn't feel like a simple hug. It felt possessive. It felt.........uncomfortable. But, I shook it off and went to the couch to go to sleep. And later I realized that he tells me all about him, all about what he has done, all about the school. But, he never even asked about anyone here. About our kids meet...which we didn't go to. About school. About our son's leadership campout. About how anyone is growing or doing. About our son's heart monitor. Oh, we did talk about the chick. Apparently it's probably small because I'm not giving it the "right" food for chicks...of course, we don't have any, but that's besides the point. Oh, and it is small because it has a bad mother that doesn't teach it.....and killed two before they got out of the nest....so why weren't these chicks put away in the big trough we have to take care of them? Because he doesn't take that responsibility. It made me smile...it's a hen's fault. She is a bad mother hen, but we are the owners. He is the owner. We can pick up the slack.
Sad thing that I realized is that I've picked up some bad habits being married to him and I need to watch it. I used to listen well. Now, I'm so hungry to be heard...I don't do as well. I am interested, I'm just starving to be heard and encouraged that I take too many turn really difficult to keep my mindset right. I am an encourager. I have not been doing very well at that. I need to change. He might have behaviors. He might treat me and our family in ways that are not correct, but I am responsible for my own behavior and decisions.
I don't need anyone to tell me that I get to decide as it turns out. Because the thing is that I have had to learn to not only tell myself that....but DO it. And follow through.
Life is not in an easy place. But it is life. I am breathing. Growing. Learning.. Dreaming. I survived another hurdle. With less drama and pain. So, I know that strength is coming. Coming back. To a heart that nearly lost all strength. Now, on to Sunday.
grace to you.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Good Morning
I was up early. About....5. I know, me and the old people. Wait. Uh oh! Maybe I AM the old people?! No way. I was enjoying the beauty of the quiet. Of finishing my painting and some more sanitizing. Taking out the dogs....three times so far. Letting out the d*** chickens and watering the husband's squash that he was so afraid would die while he was gone. Nope. I am somewhat responsible. I didn't even have to have written or verbal instructions. I know, not nice. Sarcasm. Ok, I'll try to put it aside...but, I guess it would be better just to say that it really irks me that he always expects from me what he has never been willing to give...to care about what he cares about. And, the sad truth is....it's easy for me to do. I always did. Always wanted to make him happy, to see what it is that brings him joy. Always could see him. Now,I'm learning that many of my woes are my own fault. I focused on being the good wife and seeing what he needed. I tried to read my part in the Bible and not worry about his. I pushed my doubts and questions aside about why he didn't protect, why he didn't reciprocate, I made excuses to the children about "how" he shows love. But, all of the time, I was assuming that he felt as I did. There's the hard part. The rub of the whole matter. It wasn't fake love. I really loved him. Yep, it's past tense. Oh, there are remnants, fragments, pieces....due to history and children and such. But, that "anything that you want, anything that you need" kinda' love has passed. As surely as if he had taken a gun and shot it. Actually, more like slowly suffocated it. Until it just finally died. Because I gave him love and he used my love to hurt me. To use me. And I'm not going to allow that anymore. No way no how.
But today I have watered and cleaned and painted and taken care of animals. It's early. And I am honestly peaceful. Happy. Something about making decisions and not being constantly wondering or trying to do what people maybe think I "should". Just resting in what is. In where I am. In Who is holding me. Daily. Moment by moment. And He doesn't turn away. And He won't abuse my love by trying to make me do things that are harmful to me. I am having to relearn that. I am looking forward. It's a beautiful life. Can't waste it. It's a gift.
grace to you.
But today I have watered and cleaned and painted and taken care of animals. It's early. And I am honestly peaceful. Happy. Something about making decisions and not being constantly wondering or trying to do what people maybe think I "should". Just resting in what is. In where I am. In Who is holding me. Daily. Moment by moment. And He doesn't turn away. And He won't abuse my love by trying to make me do things that are harmful to me. I am having to relearn that. I am looking forward. It's a beautiful life. Can't waste it. It's a gift.
grace to you.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Peace Walker
I am learning to walk more peacefully. Though nothing outwardly has changed. Though I remain invisible to the man who pledged to love me. Strangely, I am finding that I can find my peace and joy and hope simply in the Father. The One who not only pledged....but who loved me before I ever loved Him, continues to love me no matter where or how I walk, and lets me lean on Him at all times. I used to know that so deeply. But, marrying someone who believes that works are where it's at changed me without me even realizing. I constantly battled feeling good enough, spiritual enough, active enough. It's like life became an unending race with very few rest stops along the way. And, the thing is....I am a meanderer. I have to wander and stop and enjoy. Ponder Think. Reflect. Write. Pray. Be silent. Laugh. Goof off. Walk in the puddles. Enjoy the distractions. I'm not type A. Don't get me wrong. When push comes to shove, I can get the job done. But, I don't like living in that rushed, pushing, constantly performing mentality. It makes me stressed just thinking about it.
When I have a job to do, I like to plan enough time for it. And enough time to have breaks or rest. Perhaps my health has contributed to that. Not sure. But, this I know: I don't measure up. And this other thing I also know: I don't have to. And, finally, I simply don't care anymore. I am relaxed with living. With learning With studying. With waiting. This time, with my husband gone, I was able to be me. Not simply looking for things that would impress him when he would get home. I am peaceful. Excited. Happy. I know, happy.
Though I miss my son. Though my marriage is on the rocks. Though the mountains tremble......He is enough. And I don't have to be. It's a battle I don't need to fight because it's a battle that can't be won. Humans can't be measured by whether they are enough. They simply are. Simply loved. Simply to die for.....Jesus said so. Oh, I have momentary panic attacks. I get pissed off. I wonder way too often what it is that makes it impossible for him to allow a real relationship. But, overall, I guess I've determined that it's not a riddle I'm going to solve. I simply do not know. Maybe he doesn't know either. But I won't deal with it pretending that it doesn't exist anymore. I will not destroy myself as some christian sacrifice to the idol of commitment. Commitment has a place....a big place in life....but, the greatest of these is not commitment....it's LOVE. Without having to perform. I gave that to him. He gave me commitment. He gave me tolerance. He gave me his pride of never going to get divorced. But those things do not fill. They do not build. They do not heal. And, eventually, they suck up all that there is to give and are left wanting more and more.......that's where we ended up. No matter how much I could give, it was never going to be enough.
I've enjoyed not working this week. I'll get back to the routine. It has simply been nice to breathe in the peace. Like I had an oxygen infusion. Feels marvelous.
I'm not all better. Sometimes I wonder if I ever will be. The hurt is immense. But, the healing is refreshing. It gives me hope.
grace to you. you are prayed for.
When I have a job to do, I like to plan enough time for it. And enough time to have breaks or rest. Perhaps my health has contributed to that. Not sure. But, this I know: I don't measure up. And this other thing I also know: I don't have to. And, finally, I simply don't care anymore. I am relaxed with living. With learning With studying. With waiting. This time, with my husband gone, I was able to be me. Not simply looking for things that would impress him when he would get home. I am peaceful. Excited. Happy. I know, happy.
Though I miss my son. Though my marriage is on the rocks. Though the mountains tremble......He is enough. And I don't have to be. It's a battle I don't need to fight because it's a battle that can't be won. Humans can't be measured by whether they are enough. They simply are. Simply loved. Simply to die for.....Jesus said so. Oh, I have momentary panic attacks. I get pissed off. I wonder way too often what it is that makes it impossible for him to allow a real relationship. But, overall, I guess I've determined that it's not a riddle I'm going to solve. I simply do not know. Maybe he doesn't know either. But I won't deal with it pretending that it doesn't exist anymore. I will not destroy myself as some christian sacrifice to the idol of commitment. Commitment has a place....a big place in life....but, the greatest of these is not commitment....it's LOVE. Without having to perform. I gave that to him. He gave me commitment. He gave me tolerance. He gave me his pride of never going to get divorced. But those things do not fill. They do not build. They do not heal. And, eventually, they suck up all that there is to give and are left wanting more and more.......that's where we ended up. No matter how much I could give, it was never going to be enough.
I've enjoyed not working this week. I'll get back to the routine. It has simply been nice to breathe in the peace. Like I had an oxygen infusion. Feels marvelous.
I'm not all better. Sometimes I wonder if I ever will be. The hurt is immense. But, the healing is refreshing. It gives me hope.
grace to you. you are prayed for.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
As it Pertains
I am learning sad truths. That people are mostly interested in others as it pertains to them. How it meets their needs, hopes, desires, wants, or plan. Most people in our culture aren't even in contact with one another if there's not a "purpose." That makes me sad. Seems like we were created to relate....not just to give and take.
I'm sure I'll "grow up" someday and understand why this is. But, for now. I experience loss.
grace to you.
I'm sure I'll "grow up" someday and understand why this is. But, for now. I experience loss.
grace to you.
Productivity.
Perhaps productivity is good. I know that it is. But, sometimes overrated. Because some of the very best times and biggest growing times are times when there is frustration or stillness or a change in plans. On those days, productivity often drops.
Today is one of those days. Remember the "damn" chickens? Well, you guessed it, with my husband out of town, I am trying to take care of them. Yeah. Right. I like pets. I am not a farmer. But, I have let them out. I even let them go out into the yard. Fed them. Found the tiniest chick he had dead in the coop this morning....it was really too little to just be trucking around with the big chickens It was the smallest one I had ever seen walking around. It's sibling is tiny too, but it was ok. First thing this morning. But, come afternoon, I go out to the freezer in the barn to get something and as I leave the barn there is the little, fluffy chick right in front of the door. It was too small to keep up with the others and to go up a step that my husband had built from railroad ties. So, it got stuck without food or water in the very hot sun, on rocks....you get the picture. So, I reach down to pick it up and am surprised to find that it's....alive? No way. So, I talk to it, hold it close to my chest. Take it in the house. I figure that it has heatstroke. But seriously, how to get a chick to eat and drink? No clue. So, I get a very shallow plate and put water and tip the birdie beak into the water. Nothing. Repeat. Same. They say that an idiot is the one who keep trying the same thing expecting a different result. That's me. The fourth time, he sucked in, tipped his head back and swallowed. Now I am doing it every few minutes. I have softened oats, chicken feed and crumbled muffin in his box....oh yes, it's in the house. He is chirping again. But, frankly, may not live. That's a pretty rough thing for such a little bird to go through. I don't like having the chickens because they are hard to care for. Hard to keep safe. I don't even like the fresh eggs. But, I wouldn't ever just leave one to die. Joke about it? Sure. But, I am way softer than anyone knows. Don't tell.
Gotta go water the birdie.
grace to you
Today is one of those days. Remember the "damn" chickens? Well, you guessed it, with my husband out of town, I am trying to take care of them. Yeah. Right. I like pets. I am not a farmer. But, I have let them out. I even let them go out into the yard. Fed them. Found the tiniest chick he had dead in the coop this morning....it was really too little to just be trucking around with the big chickens It was the smallest one I had ever seen walking around. It's sibling is tiny too, but it was ok. First thing this morning. But, come afternoon, I go out to the freezer in the barn to get something and as I leave the barn there is the little, fluffy chick right in front of the door. It was too small to keep up with the others and to go up a step that my husband had built from railroad ties. So, it got stuck without food or water in the very hot sun, on rocks....you get the picture. So, I reach down to pick it up and am surprised to find that it's....alive? No way. So, I talk to it, hold it close to my chest. Take it in the house. I figure that it has heatstroke. But seriously, how to get a chick to eat and drink? No clue. So, I get a very shallow plate and put water and tip the birdie beak into the water. Nothing. Repeat. Same. They say that an idiot is the one who keep trying the same thing expecting a different result. That's me. The fourth time, he sucked in, tipped his head back and swallowed. Now I am doing it every few minutes. I have softened oats, chicken feed and crumbled muffin in his box....oh yes, it's in the house. He is chirping again. But, frankly, may not live. That's a pretty rough thing for such a little bird to go through. I don't like having the chickens because they are hard to care for. Hard to keep safe. I don't even like the fresh eggs. But, I wouldn't ever just leave one to die. Joke about it? Sure. But, I am way softer than anyone knows. Don't tell.
Gotta go water the birdie.
grace to you
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Heart Smile
I am wiped out. Dozed off on the couch. Exhausted. Worked hard. Good exhausted. ;) I did somthing hard...the physical labor, but I did something else that was difficult as well
The two of my sons that are left home constantly badger one another. And I finally put my foot down. Absolutely. It was the right time. They are getting ready to be the only two sharing a very nice, big room. So, I put my foot down about the constant button pushing and snide remarks. We live in a culture of it. And, they have never learned that guys can be tender.....can express emotions. We practiced. It turned out well..ending with them planning how they were going to do their new room. Pretty fun.
All in all, today was a good day. I just try not to think about Saturday. It's avoidance, but it's working ok.
grace to you
The two of my sons that are left home constantly badger one another. And I finally put my foot down. Absolutely. It was the right time. They are getting ready to be the only two sharing a very nice, big room. So, I put my foot down about the constant button pushing and snide remarks. We live in a culture of it. And, they have never learned that guys can be tender.....can express emotions. We practiced. It turned out well..ending with them planning how they were going to do their new room. Pretty fun.
All in all, today was a good day. I just try not to think about Saturday. It's avoidance, but it's working ok.
grace to you
Baking and Painting
Anyone who knows me and my emotional times will know that I often turn to baking or painting to survive the rough times. Lately, I haven't even been able to do those. Everything was too overwhelming and so tired of the constantly not being able to please. Well, I am happy to report that today, I have both baked AND painted the bathroom.
I seriously painted the bathroom gray. A little greener than I should have chosen, but still lovely. I like it just fine. Don't adore it.....because of the green undertone, but am SO much happier than I was with the peach color that my interior designer chose....which is my LEAST favorite color. So, now I'm in the midst of cleaning...read "sanitizing"....the bathroom as well. Want it to feel all new. Big breath. I just took a HUGE breath. I did something I wanted to do, I feel good about it.......and, there's nobody around to tell me what if or am I sure or....whatever.
And the best part is that I have two more school days and Saturday before he's home. Yippee!!!!! I know, I won't say that to people who know me. I'll be polite. Maybe that's part of the problem. I never get to just have my feelings and acknowledge them. Always have to try to be polite.
And, while I was painting, I realized that I have a couple of sons who oft need work, so, I can manage to manage my rental with family labor...score!! I get tired of waiting for things to be done. Embarrasses me especially when he behaves as if something isn't getting fixed because of something the tenant is doing. But, I don't have to wait! I can choose something new and alleviate my stress.
And around my own house too. He simply won't do the things I ask to be done. My son that is 20 was in mid high school when we moved back into this house. My cupboard trim is still not up. Nor the drywall or tile in my laundry room. I have asked, begged and negotiated. Slim chance. So, I will make my own plan. Figure it out in my own way. And the weight lifts.
I wanted to share my project with someone, but that didn't happen and I wasn't devastated or hurt and that is a good thing too. I chose the color. Did the work. Made the plan. All of it. By myself. What am I, three? ;)
Back to work. Have to go get kids soon.
grace to you.
I seriously painted the bathroom gray. A little greener than I should have chosen, but still lovely. I like it just fine. Don't adore it.....because of the green undertone, but am SO much happier than I was with the peach color that my interior designer chose....which is my LEAST favorite color. So, now I'm in the midst of cleaning...read "sanitizing"....the bathroom as well. Want it to feel all new. Big breath. I just took a HUGE breath. I did something I wanted to do, I feel good about it.......and, there's nobody around to tell me what if or am I sure or....whatever.
And the best part is that I have two more school days and Saturday before he's home. Yippee!!!!! I know, I won't say that to people who know me. I'll be polite. Maybe that's part of the problem. I never get to just have my feelings and acknowledge them. Always have to try to be polite.
And, while I was painting, I realized that I have a couple of sons who oft need work, so, I can manage to manage my rental with family labor...score!! I get tired of waiting for things to be done. Embarrasses me especially when he behaves as if something isn't getting fixed because of something the tenant is doing. But, I don't have to wait! I can choose something new and alleviate my stress.
And around my own house too. He simply won't do the things I ask to be done. My son that is 20 was in mid high school when we moved back into this house. My cupboard trim is still not up. Nor the drywall or tile in my laundry room. I have asked, begged and negotiated. Slim chance. So, I will make my own plan. Figure it out in my own way. And the weight lifts.
I wanted to share my project with someone, but that didn't happen and I wasn't devastated or hurt and that is a good thing too. I chose the color. Did the work. Made the plan. All of it. By myself. What am I, three? ;)
Back to work. Have to go get kids soon.
grace to you.
Finally
Finally. For me. Not because I should. Not because it's expected. Because I can. Because it brings pleasure. Because it's right. I'm up today. A little sick, but off the couch. Bought a paint for my kitchen AND bathroom. It's called Rockaway Beach...which happens to be one of my favorite memories of places to take my kids in Oregon. It's a yummy gray...that's right you are reading right...I am painting a wall gray. Yep. And I decided it all by myself. It's elegant and cozy and really pretty. It matches my granite and my tile. It takes away from the ugly cupboard color and makes the white trim look perky. I am joyous.
Making muffins this morning. The kids are gone. Making them because I want muffins. And, yes, I did
make a mega batch so that kids will get some too. I finally am going to enjoy my husband being gone. Last time I couldn't. Just kept dreading his return. This time, I can. And, I will. My heart hurts regarding my son leaving, but I know with absolute certainty that it will pass. My harshest binding and pain comes not from that but from my marriage. He continues to act like everything is hunky dory. Sad that I have never mattered more to him. I realized in the night...when people should be sleeping....that for him everything else always came before us...first, himself. Then, anyone and everything. Then us. And, when I started to move toward autonomy of my own, it angered him. I get it. But, I"m not going to live there. I don't have to spend all of my time analyzing it either.
Free to choose. Sometimes people say that when they mean that you are making the wrong decisions but that they will be there anyway. But, it means a lot to me...being free to choose. It's the free part. I need to be free. Because I can't be pulled like I was or I'll get sucked under never to rise again.
But, today, I live. Today, I will be a blessing. And, I will be blessed. For God gave me this day. To live move and have my being. He's amazing.
grace to you.
Making muffins this morning. The kids are gone. Making them because I want muffins. And, yes, I did
make a mega batch so that kids will get some too. I finally am going to enjoy my husband being gone. Last time I couldn't. Just kept dreading his return. This time, I can. And, I will. My heart hurts regarding my son leaving, but I know with absolute certainty that it will pass. My harshest binding and pain comes not from that but from my marriage. He continues to act like everything is hunky dory. Sad that I have never mattered more to him. I realized in the night...when people should be sleeping....that for him everything else always came before us...first, himself. Then, anyone and everything. Then us. And, when I started to move toward autonomy of my own, it angered him. I get it. But, I"m not going to live there. I don't have to spend all of my time analyzing it either.
Free to choose. Sometimes people say that when they mean that you are making the wrong decisions but that they will be there anyway. But, it means a lot to me...being free to choose. It's the free part. I need to be free. Because I can't be pulled like I was or I'll get sucked under never to rise again.
But, today, I live. Today, I will be a blessing. And, I will be blessed. For God gave me this day. To live move and have my being. He's amazing.
grace to you.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Cancelled
So, I cancelled my sub job for tomorrow. Fed my kids easy. Sat in the living room with them all around me while I quizzed them and others did homework or simply chilled. Funniest thing is that when my husband goes away, they come out of the woodwork. What's that about? My third son spent the whole evening with me in the living room. My daughter didn't hide in her room to read. My eldest stayed in My fourth son sat on the couch and chatted with everyone. Such a different dynamic.
I am still hurting.
I cried when I went to drive my van and moved the seat. My son and I were just talking yesterday about how he and I switch van/car with each other so many times in a day. So, when I got in the van and realized that I had to move the seat up...but that I wouldn't anymore, it just hit me hard. Silly...of course. It is the little things. And because of that, I am not up to doing a job in a place that I am unfamiliar and nervous. I need comfort and comfortable. I need to baby myself a little. Do the other things that are on my heart. Help my son find his apartment and furniture. Take my other kids to school...the thought of not doing that tomorrow also made me cry. Silly. Again. But I am learning that it's ok even if it's not rational or completely together. Even if they don't get it and invite me back to sub. I think they will. I explained it to the lady I was supposed to sub for. There was a new sub within two minutes...literally..no chance to return to the job. I think that was God's design. It took me hours to get up my courage to do it. And, as soon as I did, I thought, oh, I'll just go back and take it. It already was taken....So, I have breathed easier without that hanging over my head. Time. Simple time. To rest. And plan. And enjoy my house. Two days with my big boy. Then one day blessedly alone. Then Saturday. A nice football/barbeque weekend. It's a good week. Though it's intense. I want to feel every moment of it. I want to revel in how God teaches my children, blesses them and calls them His own.
I want to do what I actually believe that I need to do. And....amazingly...I am. Tired tonight.
Maybe I'll sleep in a bed. But, probably not. Don't want my kids to have more questions.
I miss my son. I will go see him. I'll find an airline ticket soon. Or I'll drive. But, I will go.
Because I can choose.
grace to you.
I am still hurting.
I cried when I went to drive my van and moved the seat. My son and I were just talking yesterday about how he and I switch van/car with each other so many times in a day. So, when I got in the van and realized that I had to move the seat up...but that I wouldn't anymore, it just hit me hard. Silly...of course. It is the little things. And because of that, I am not up to doing a job in a place that I am unfamiliar and nervous. I need comfort and comfortable. I need to baby myself a little. Do the other things that are on my heart. Help my son find his apartment and furniture. Take my other kids to school...the thought of not doing that tomorrow also made me cry. Silly. Again. But I am learning that it's ok even if it's not rational or completely together. Even if they don't get it and invite me back to sub. I think they will. I explained it to the lady I was supposed to sub for. There was a new sub within two minutes...literally..no chance to return to the job. I think that was God's design. It took me hours to get up my courage to do it. And, as soon as I did, I thought, oh, I'll just go back and take it. It already was taken....So, I have breathed easier without that hanging over my head. Time. Simple time. To rest. And plan. And enjoy my house. Two days with my big boy. Then one day blessedly alone. Then Saturday. A nice football/barbeque weekend. It's a good week. Though it's intense. I want to feel every moment of it. I want to revel in how God teaches my children, blesses them and calls them His own.
I want to do what I actually believe that I need to do. And....amazingly...I am. Tired tonight.
Maybe I'll sleep in a bed. But, probably not. Don't want my kids to have more questions.
I miss my son. I will go see him. I'll find an airline ticket soon. Or I'll drive. But, I will go.
Because I can choose.
grace to you.
Learning to Know Myself
For years I have sucked it up and done what I need to do or should do when I need to or should do it. I have put aside feelings and pain. I have put aside tiredness and grumpiness. I have lived much to look and be "fine". But, today my boy left. Then I sat with my older one planning his very imminent departure as well. Rough day. Not bad. Just hard. Tears. At first I tried to shake it off. Told myself I'd be sad for awhile and then just get some work done and do what I should. But, after awhile I realized that I need to remember that sometimes it's ok to just take some time to grieve. To ache. To be lazy and cry. To weep, even. And, it's ok not to work. It's ok not to perform. It's ok to feel. So, I have decided to listen to those needs a little better. I have friends who are much better at this than I am. I always admire it. So, here I am on my journey to becoming who I want to become. And, I want to become a person who has time....who MAKES time... for herself when she needs to. And, I am even contemplating taking off tomorrow. I have a sub job. My first. I had planned on not working this week. Because I knew that my heart needs the time. So does my house. I need the time. So, I think that I'll take it. And revel in it. Not revel in moping. But revel in this time without my husband around. In this time of learning to face my deep emotions. And not run or bury myself in busyness. I like to be quiet. I have been very quiet today. Not sleeping. Not much work...just simply breathing in and out. Because I need to breathe.
Feels very good. And it hurts. Each breath reminds me of another thing that will be different. My son and I won't be the first to greet each other in the mornings. I won't see him walk barefooted out to get the paper. He has rituals as surely as a much more mature person. Has for several years. REads the paper and eats his breakfast. Feeds the dog. Walks the dog around the house. Taking his time. Just like he walked around the house as a child with a stick, pondering and not doing much of anything but swinging a stick. It's him. I've looked up so many times today expecting him to walk in the room. But, he won't. He'll go to a new place and he will charm them with his sweet spirit and down to earth, practical ways. Some girl will fall in love with him. Several have already tried....;) And, life will never be what it was. It might even get........better. But, for this time, I need to give myself this time. To simply say, "ouch." God made it possible for him to go to this school. This amazing christian school that I choked when he wanted to go..the price was SO much. But, he plodded on, praying (I prayed too) and doing what he needed to do to get scholarships. Searching the web. Writing essays. Facing his fears and going to an interview at the school for grants and scholarships. He contacted our church and got an internship for next summer....his school will double what the church gives him up to a certain amount. And, my faith increased. It's like his never wavered. He never thought he'd need to go somewhere else. I never suggested it. No because of money. Only if he changed his mind because it seemed like what God had for him. I want him to always know that changing his mind, no matter where he finds himself in life, is ok. And so, it might get to be even better than it has been. More people to love. More experiences to share. I do look forward. But, just for this wee bit in time, I need to give myself the time to cry and hurt for the family that will be changed forever. So, I will. I give myself permission. Big step. I am proud.
grace to you
Feels very good. And it hurts. Each breath reminds me of another thing that will be different. My son and I won't be the first to greet each other in the mornings. I won't see him walk barefooted out to get the paper. He has rituals as surely as a much more mature person. Has for several years. REads the paper and eats his breakfast. Feeds the dog. Walks the dog around the house. Taking his time. Just like he walked around the house as a child with a stick, pondering and not doing much of anything but swinging a stick. It's him. I've looked up so many times today expecting him to walk in the room. But, he won't. He'll go to a new place and he will charm them with his sweet spirit and down to earth, practical ways. Some girl will fall in love with him. Several have already tried....;) And, life will never be what it was. It might even get........better. But, for this time, I need to give myself this time. To simply say, "ouch." God made it possible for him to go to this school. This amazing christian school that I choked when he wanted to go..the price was SO much. But, he plodded on, praying (I prayed too) and doing what he needed to do to get scholarships. Searching the web. Writing essays. Facing his fears and going to an interview at the school for grants and scholarships. He contacted our church and got an internship for next summer....his school will double what the church gives him up to a certain amount. And, my faith increased. It's like his never wavered. He never thought he'd need to go somewhere else. I never suggested it. No because of money. Only if he changed his mind because it seemed like what God had for him. I want him to always know that changing his mind, no matter where he finds himself in life, is ok. And so, it might get to be even better than it has been. More people to love. More experiences to share. I do look forward. But, just for this wee bit in time, I need to give myself the time to cry and hurt for the family that will be changed forever. So, I will. I give myself permission. Big step. I am proud.
grace to you
Monday, August 22, 2011
To My Son
This day we stayed together all day. We shopped. Packed. Laughed. Nearly cried. Talked. Ate. And just enjoyed each other. We told the truth. That this is going to be a hard time. This going off to college so far away. You have always been my stay at home boy. You didn't like sleepovers or things that lasted too long away from your home. Camp...well, I forced you to go. And you did. You called home the first four days. They didn't usually let kids call home, but you needed to. I remember so vividly the night that I was sitting by your bed praying for you...as I oft did in those younger years when you actually went to bed before me...and God impressed so heavily upon me to pray for you because what He was calling you to do was going to be difficult. And, it has been. You have pushed and worked and tried academically...with an emphasis on work, because none of it came easily. You have been organized and neat. You make choices each day about the person you have become and those choices have built great character in your life.
Every mom...well, most of them, at least...is glad to be a mom. But, it has been a great privilege to be YOUR mom. Not just the mom of one of six. YOURS. Because you are unique and wonderful. Because you laugh with me and tell me the truth. Because it's just so wonderful being around you. I love you. Not because you will achieve great things...which, I'm sure you will. I love you because you are my precious son. My one and only you.
Saying good bye tomorrow is weighing heavily on each of us. I know it. You know it. But, it will be ok. I'm only a phone call away. Or Google+! And there is no time that I won't come if you need me. Though you will be far away by miles, you can never be very far from me because I carry you in my heart. I pray for you. Think good of you. Bless you with every ounce of my being. You are a wonderful son. A gift. I am looking forward to seeing how you love making your own life. You are brave. Not because you don't have fears, but because you face them so straightforwardly. I admire that. I will try to be that brave. When you see my tears....don't worry, I know that it's time for you to go. I know that this is a GOOD thing. That you are so ready. So able. I know that you will be just fine. But, I'll cry because it's a part of letting go of the past and moving on to what the future will bring. I love you much. Mom
Every mom...well, most of them, at least...is glad to be a mom. But, it has been a great privilege to be YOUR mom. Not just the mom of one of six. YOURS. Because you are unique and wonderful. Because you laugh with me and tell me the truth. Because it's just so wonderful being around you. I love you. Not because you will achieve great things...which, I'm sure you will. I love you because you are my precious son. My one and only you.
Saying good bye tomorrow is weighing heavily on each of us. I know it. You know it. But, it will be ok. I'm only a phone call away. Or Google+! And there is no time that I won't come if you need me. Though you will be far away by miles, you can never be very far from me because I carry you in my heart. I pray for you. Think good of you. Bless you with every ounce of my being. You are a wonderful son. A gift. I am looking forward to seeing how you love making your own life. You are brave. Not because you don't have fears, but because you face them so straightforwardly. I admire that. I will try to be that brave. When you see my tears....don't worry, I know that it's time for you to go. I know that this is a GOOD thing. That you are so ready. So able. I know that you will be just fine. But, I'll cry because it's a part of letting go of the past and moving on to what the future will bring. I love you much. Mom
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Pile of Emotions
I think that my emotions are so high because my son is leaving for college. I am not going to be the one taking him and I can't even picture putting him in the car with his dad that last morning. For one, I know that he is worried about whether his dad will be sure he has what he needs and such. I worry too. But, he has money and he knows what to do. And, he can always call me. But the hardest thing is not being there to meet his roommate and say goodbye. Hard to know that he'll be so very far away.
And then there's the niggling guilt. Man, I am SO sick of guilt. But, I am so relieved that my husband will be gone for those five days. I'm nearly counting the moments until I have that time. I've bought a sample color of paint for the kitchen. I changed from the teal. I really like this gray color....and how it makes the tile look so much more elegant. So, I will try to paint. I think I'll take off that week. Not sub unless it's for someone I know or a school I know. I need me time.
I realized that with two "big" boys home that there's basically never time by myself. Time to bawl my eyes out. Not that everyone has to do that, but I find that a good cry can be very cleansing in the midst of so much garbage.
On top of all of that, I know that very shortly my kids will all be gone. I want to be settled and ready to have a life. Working. Self supporting...and helping my kids out. I have only five years with my daughter. And then those college years. I am thinking of selling the house eventually after they move. I really want to live elsewhere, I think. Lots of people I love here, but something keeps calling me. I want to have a teaching job because I love it, but also because I love summer's off. I want to travel. I want to walk the beach. The only downside of living at the beach is that everyone would want to visit all of the time.....I would have to get good at boundaries. Of course, by then, most of the people I know would have grown kids too, so it would be different. I want to love. Not be "in love." Simply love those in my path. And do it well. And....I want to love myself. I want to love the God who made me and who loves me first. I want to love moments. Enjoy food. Worship. I want to live fully and without constantly battling. It's too much.
The only way I see to get there is to make it through these five years. It seems like eternity. And it seems like an instant. My baby 18?? Wow. And yet...still so far off.
I love being with kmy kids. I don't like the shadow that falls when I have to remove myself. When he comes around. He scares me. Can be all smiles...with no care. I shudder as I write it. And yet, so personable. It scares me deeply somehow.
I think of the years that I took anti-depressants. Cried. Felt self-loathing for how I was failing. And I think how easy I am to make smile. Those things do not mesh. I know it mentally. If I can just get it to my heart. Chonda Pierce said that she learned that depression is anger turned inward. I would have to agree.
Today I did wish for a counselor. Today I wished that I had someone to call out of the blue and say that I just need t.l.c. I know that I'm suffeing. Body hurts. A lot.
But, in the midst of all of this, I am sitting on my front porch. My newest doggie is playing in the sprinkler and barking and having a good old time while my chihuahua is lounging in the sunshine in the grass. I am glad to have the new doggie. He likes us and barks when people come around. He makes me feel more secure. The cats..well, they kinda are ok. Not my greatest choice, but sweet enough. I live on nearly an acre. With trees around. And a grassy yard. Well water. And now, plenty of flowers...though I want more perennials. An arbor. Vines climbing the house. Five years to do it. Then I will sell it to someone who will love it. Or, maybe there will be a new plan by then. But it doesn't include someone who has made life so very very hard. And who pretends to be so very very good.
How I can suddenly get cold on such a hot day is amazing. Emotional. Fear. I need to be free.
grace to you.
And then there's the niggling guilt. Man, I am SO sick of guilt. But, I am so relieved that my husband will be gone for those five days. I'm nearly counting the moments until I have that time. I've bought a sample color of paint for the kitchen. I changed from the teal. I really like this gray color....and how it makes the tile look so much more elegant. So, I will try to paint. I think I'll take off that week. Not sub unless it's for someone I know or a school I know. I need me time.
I realized that with two "big" boys home that there's basically never time by myself. Time to bawl my eyes out. Not that everyone has to do that, but I find that a good cry can be very cleansing in the midst of so much garbage.
On top of all of that, I know that very shortly my kids will all be gone. I want to be settled and ready to have a life. Working. Self supporting...and helping my kids out. I have only five years with my daughter. And then those college years. I am thinking of selling the house eventually after they move. I really want to live elsewhere, I think. Lots of people I love here, but something keeps calling me. I want to have a teaching job because I love it, but also because I love summer's off. I want to travel. I want to walk the beach. The only downside of living at the beach is that everyone would want to visit all of the time.....I would have to get good at boundaries. Of course, by then, most of the people I know would have grown kids too, so it would be different. I want to love. Not be "in love." Simply love those in my path. And do it well. And....I want to love myself. I want to love the God who made me and who loves me first. I want to love moments. Enjoy food. Worship. I want to live fully and without constantly battling. It's too much.
The only way I see to get there is to make it through these five years. It seems like eternity. And it seems like an instant. My baby 18?? Wow. And yet...still so far off.
I love being with kmy kids. I don't like the shadow that falls when I have to remove myself. When he comes around. He scares me. Can be all smiles...with no care. I shudder as I write it. And yet, so personable. It scares me deeply somehow.
I think of the years that I took anti-depressants. Cried. Felt self-loathing for how I was failing. And I think how easy I am to make smile. Those things do not mesh. I know it mentally. If I can just get it to my heart. Chonda Pierce said that she learned that depression is anger turned inward. I would have to agree.
Today I did wish for a counselor. Today I wished that I had someone to call out of the blue and say that I just need t.l.c. I know that I'm suffeing. Body hurts. A lot.
But, in the midst of all of this, I am sitting on my front porch. My newest doggie is playing in the sprinkler and barking and having a good old time while my chihuahua is lounging in the sunshine in the grass. I am glad to have the new doggie. He likes us and barks when people come around. He makes me feel more secure. The cats..well, they kinda are ok. Not my greatest choice, but sweet enough. I live on nearly an acre. With trees around. And a grassy yard. Well water. And now, plenty of flowers...though I want more perennials. An arbor. Vines climbing the house. Five years to do it. Then I will sell it to someone who will love it. Or, maybe there will be a new plan by then. But it doesn't include someone who has made life so very very hard. And who pretends to be so very very good.
How I can suddenly get cold on such a hot day is amazing. Emotional. Fear. I need to be free.
grace to you.
Perhaps A Nap?
I feel about an inch tall today. Perhaps a nap would be good. I haven't been sleeping well. The house needs cleaned. I need to go to the farmer's market. And I just feel.....alone. Forgotten. Easily forgettable. Amazing how one person can screw life up. Then he calls from the top of a mountain he has scaled to show that his phone works. And I want to say, "don't care," but I don't because I'm supposed to be nice.
Co-parenting would have been a nice thing. No such thing at our house. Guess I should quit writing for now because all I can think is...damn him. And, if you have nothing nice to say.....
grace to you. really, you aren't alone. neither am i.
Co-parenting would have been a nice thing. No such thing at our house. Guess I should quit writing for now because all I can think is...damn him. And, if you have nothing nice to say.....
grace to you. really, you aren't alone. neither am i.
Take It Where You Get It
It's always nice when things turn out well. When the people you love love you back. When the people who are close by have your back. But, I've learned that it doesn't always go that way. Sometimes, the people we love the most, walk away, die or simply don't care. Sometimes, they like the relationship because of what it gives them but have no intention of giving anything meaningful back. And, sometimes, if you are like me at all, we hang on thinking that what we feel and are willing to give is what they will eventually feel and be willing to give. But, it doesn't. And, in that moment of realization, it felt really easy to hate myself. To think that I wasn't worth it when I had given my best. To put the blame on me and keep on trying to fix it by being better and making the person happier. And by using words. But, honestly, for me, it didn't work.
And here I sit, contemplating how I could have been so dead wrong. How I could have confused a sense of need on his part with loving me. He knows how to occasionally say the right words. But the scripted words don't bring relief anymore. Because the reality is that I failed to please him. He has used many different things over the years to show me how I'm unworthy. And, I wonder even now if I could ever do life so that he would think that I was worthy. I don't think so. It seems to be a bottom line where no matter what, by showing how lucky I am or how committed he is...even to someone like me....that makes him feel lifted up. So, receiving from him is not possible.
But. BIG but. But, I have learned that I can take encouragement and love from where I can. From where it is genuine. From those who see me clearly....not flattering me...but somehow think I'm valuable anyway. And there are those. But, you know, he would take that away if he could. For him, it didn't hurt him that I don't have a family to run to if something went wrong...it made him feel more powerful over me. Unfortunately for him, our kids got older and give and take with me..encouragement, love, believing, dreaming. And I have great friends. From past and present. Many people who deem me a worthwhile human being. While, my husband has striven to diminish and lower any sense of strength or faith or joy that I had, they have been around too.....not even knowing what has been happening, but still uplifting, loving and believing in me. What a blessing. In the midst of it all, I have to take it where I can get it. Without regret. This is how it is.
And, without jealousy when he tries to take away the encouragement and friendship for himself. It hurts deeply. But I have to learn to let people love both. To be free to make their own choices. Who he is to me...well, it doesn't mean that he is to them. But what he is out there in the world is so fake that sometimes I want to scream outloud. But, no need. I need to accept what they offer me and not take away what they offer another. And it is especially true with my kids. They usually see. But, I always want them to love their dad. To feel like I want them to love their dad.
So, I'll take what I can get and not worry about the rest. I'll simply enjoy. As much as I can. And remember....he already missed out because I'm not playing the game anymore. I don't need to punish.
grace to you
And here I sit, contemplating how I could have been so dead wrong. How I could have confused a sense of need on his part with loving me. He knows how to occasionally say the right words. But the scripted words don't bring relief anymore. Because the reality is that I failed to please him. He has used many different things over the years to show me how I'm unworthy. And, I wonder even now if I could ever do life so that he would think that I was worthy. I don't think so. It seems to be a bottom line where no matter what, by showing how lucky I am or how committed he is...even to someone like me....that makes him feel lifted up. So, receiving from him is not possible.
But. BIG but. But, I have learned that I can take encouragement and love from where I can. From where it is genuine. From those who see me clearly....not flattering me...but somehow think I'm valuable anyway. And there are those. But, you know, he would take that away if he could. For him, it didn't hurt him that I don't have a family to run to if something went wrong...it made him feel more powerful over me. Unfortunately for him, our kids got older and give and take with me..encouragement, love, believing, dreaming. And I have great friends. From past and present. Many people who deem me a worthwhile human being. While, my husband has striven to diminish and lower any sense of strength or faith or joy that I had, they have been around too.....not even knowing what has been happening, but still uplifting, loving and believing in me. What a blessing. In the midst of it all, I have to take it where I can get it. Without regret. This is how it is.
And, without jealousy when he tries to take away the encouragement and friendship for himself. It hurts deeply. But I have to learn to let people love both. To be free to make their own choices. Who he is to me...well, it doesn't mean that he is to them. But what he is out there in the world is so fake that sometimes I want to scream outloud. But, no need. I need to accept what they offer me and not take away what they offer another. And it is especially true with my kids. They usually see. But, I always want them to love their dad. To feel like I want them to love their dad.
So, I'll take what I can get and not worry about the rest. I'll simply enjoy. As much as I can. And remember....he already missed out because I'm not playing the game anymore. I don't need to punish.
grace to you
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Something to Smile About
Hey, it's August. And, way back last December I committed to write to help heal. I've been writing for eight months!!! I've never kept a New Year's Resolution. I mostly don't make them. But, this was prayerfully on my heart. And look, I'm doing it!!
Perhaps that book will happen too.....maybe.
Though not while married. He sucks the oomph out.
grace to you
Perhaps that book will happen too.....maybe.
Though not while married. He sucks the oomph out.
grace to you
Today
Today was a quiet day. I didn't feel very well. Not sure if that's a physical tummy ache or an emotional one....perhaps both. So, I've done some things, but not much. Things like washing the rugs and shower curtain in the bathroom and cleaning the tub. Did the dishes this morning....so, why oh why does it look like a train wreck now? ;)
Not having a job bothers me. It helped me move forward. Helped me to feel more able and more like maybe someday I'd teach again. Made me have a purpose. But, mostly, it kept me on a schedule. I ate healthier. I had people to interact with that were professionals. I'm going to miss that and subbing isn't going to fill that gap.
Today I wondered if I really could talk to anyone about my heart. And I again decided that it's not that there is nobody...it's that I just can't bring myself to do it. To pull on someone else. My non counselor says I should. My old friend says I should. They seem to think that it's ok even if he is friends with my friends too. I don't know. Maybe I just have seen too much fallout in such situations. So, today I wanted to do the coffee thing and sit and talk. Wanted to go to this great place downtown and really talk about the important stuff. But, newsflash: my friends WORK!!!
So, in all honesty, it was a very hard day. But, I rested. Took care of me. Examined why it's hard. And decided that pizza is for dinner. ;) He leaves on Tuesday for five days. And I can't even be excited. Because that is when my second son leaves home. Sigh. The good with the bad. Isn't that life?
Now he's making sad faces that he's not going on a trip that his choir is doing this fall. He could have. There were ways. Possibilities. But, so much better to be able to guilt me. "I took off the time a long time ago in hopes that I'd be going on the trip to New York." Great. I didn't say anything. It just reminds me that I am the local favorite scapegoat. Kinda wonder what he'll do without me.
If it were just me, I'd lay down and sleep til morning starting at about 8 tonight....but, that's not going to happen. It's like I'm always waiting for time to rest. Because I'm always on alert. Always under the stress. I don't know how to end that. Well, I do. But, I have to do it well. Somehow. I don't know why I care....the people who are going to talk and be mean have already labelled me a b**** anyway. I try not to care. I really do. But, trying isn't always the deep down reality. The reality is that I am pretty tender hearted. That it's pretty easy to hurt me. Though I'm also strong enough to come back....I'm going to try to focus on that. Not that it doesn't or won't hurt, but that I can recover.
grace to you.
Not having a job bothers me. It helped me move forward. Helped me to feel more able and more like maybe someday I'd teach again. Made me have a purpose. But, mostly, it kept me on a schedule. I ate healthier. I had people to interact with that were professionals. I'm going to miss that and subbing isn't going to fill that gap.
Today I wondered if I really could talk to anyone about my heart. And I again decided that it's not that there is nobody...it's that I just can't bring myself to do it. To pull on someone else. My non counselor says I should. My old friend says I should. They seem to think that it's ok even if he is friends with my friends too. I don't know. Maybe I just have seen too much fallout in such situations. So, today I wanted to do the coffee thing and sit and talk. Wanted to go to this great place downtown and really talk about the important stuff. But, newsflash: my friends WORK!!!
So, in all honesty, it was a very hard day. But, I rested. Took care of me. Examined why it's hard. And decided that pizza is for dinner. ;) He leaves on Tuesday for five days. And I can't even be excited. Because that is when my second son leaves home. Sigh. The good with the bad. Isn't that life?
Now he's making sad faces that he's not going on a trip that his choir is doing this fall. He could have. There were ways. Possibilities. But, so much better to be able to guilt me. "I took off the time a long time ago in hopes that I'd be going on the trip to New York." Great. I didn't say anything. It just reminds me that I am the local favorite scapegoat. Kinda wonder what he'll do without me.
If it were just me, I'd lay down and sleep til morning starting at about 8 tonight....but, that's not going to happen. It's like I'm always waiting for time to rest. Because I'm always on alert. Always under the stress. I don't know how to end that. Well, I do. But, I have to do it well. Somehow. I don't know why I care....the people who are going to talk and be mean have already labelled me a b**** anyway. I try not to care. I really do. But, trying isn't always the deep down reality. The reality is that I am pretty tender hearted. That it's pretty easy to hurt me. Though I'm also strong enough to come back....I'm going to try to focus on that. Not that it doesn't or won't hurt, but that I can recover.
grace to you.
Changes
Change is always present. I am just making reservations for my husband and son for their trip to take my son to college. I dropped off my younger kids this morning at the high school....they got themselves ready, made lunches and didn't need me to go in and help them feel comfortable. Life changes.
Maybe that's why I am learning to be patient. Learning that things can be as they are for now because it keeps the children comfy. Or, maybe not. Because they know the truth. Regardless of what changes come, I am facing forward and moving to a new reality. A reality in my heart if not in my house. That I can choose. That I have value. That I must stand up. Be courageous.
I am learning. I am changing. With purpose and hope. Not randomly. With expectation.
I am looking forward to the new things and the new times. I love my kids. I don't want to be racing through these years because I can't stand being with my husband. So, it's always difficult to decide.
Wish it could be easy. Wish it could have been that he thought differently about me. But it wasn't. And I'm worth more than the pretending.
So. Change. It comes. Always. Nothing to be afraid of.
grace to you
Maybe that's why I am learning to be patient. Learning that things can be as they are for now because it keeps the children comfy. Or, maybe not. Because they know the truth. Regardless of what changes come, I am facing forward and moving to a new reality. A reality in my heart if not in my house. That I can choose. That I have value. That I must stand up. Be courageous.
I am learning. I am changing. With purpose and hope. Not randomly. With expectation.
I am looking forward to the new things and the new times. I love my kids. I don't want to be racing through these years because I can't stand being with my husband. So, it's always difficult to decide.
Wish it could be easy. Wish it could have been that he thought differently about me. But it wasn't. And I'm worth more than the pretending.
So. Change. It comes. Always. Nothing to be afraid of.
grace to you
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Shrugging it Off
It is often easier to shrug something off than to deal with it. I think that in christianity that is what I've been trainedis the right thing to do. Turn the other cheek. Yes. I agree. But don't behave as if something doesn't matter. Don't act falsely. You can be truthful without having to seek revenge or harm another. Though, I have to say that it is much more difficult than simply shrugging and acting as if it simply doesn't matter. I face this almost daily in my marriage. Or, currently in my live in situation....we are still married, but not living as such. How to deal with those wrongs and hurts in a healthy way is difficult. It's easier to pretend. But, that is much like pretending that there's not a dead mouse on the porch....even if you act like it's not there, that doesn't keep the flies from gathering and the smell of decomposition from occurring. No. It's better to clean up the dead mouse, as unpleasant as that can be. It is more pleasant to deal with it quickly than to let it remain becoming a bigger and stinkier problem.
I have shrugged off a lot over the years. I have dealt with things that hurt me deeply. What I did was essentially allow him to get stinkier about his behaviors towards me. Oh, don't get me wrong, I fought for some things pretty hard. It's just that I have never won on any front. If I would say not to treat me that way, a long fight would ensue.....telling me all of the things that are wrong with me and it would be hours....literally...then he would cry and say he was sorry. By then, it meant nothing. It was all unloaded onto my shoulders. It took me a long time to learn that this was a pattern. I don't mean that I would yell at him or be angry when I told him something was bothering me. I mean in a calm way. Just trying to say what was on my mind and heart. He trained me to shrug it off instead.
I don't know what has happened to make me see that I can't live that way. He wonders why. I think it was when I realized that I seemed to have no sense of confidence anymore. None. Not in an interview. Not to decide what to buy. Not to decide what I really want or need. And, I finally had to break away. Had to. Or disappear completely.
Not that it was wrong to try to get along. To try to simply be content. Those can be good things. But for me, that's all there was. It was never reciprocated and my needs were never heard nor validated. While I'm not into psychobabble, I do know that there are times that we have to realize that we, as an individual, hold value. Not just because of what we do or what position we hold....mom, wife, teacher...no, just because we are each a unique individual and need to see who we are. Who we are to become. There are needs that have nothing to do with food or drink, safety or shelter. They are the most basic needs of our soul. We have to know that simply because we exist, we are valuable. That we have merit. That our thoughts and feelings are not wrong......but simply thoughts and feelings that need to be looked at and understood. While we don't have to act upon them, trying to submerge them simply destroys us. We begin to feel like we are drowning. And, emotional drowning is at least as bad as physical for this one reason...we can be rescued from physical drowning by someone else.....in emotional drowning, we have to choose to be rescued...by God, by others, by our own self. That can be tough when feeling absolutely overwhelmed. When not having support or encouragement. I know. Because it happened.
I have good friends. I have a marvelous church. I have an amazing family. But there was a person who was supposed to be on my side and wasn't...my husband. And his attitude and behavior toward me chipped away at my self worth. It caused me to withdraw more as I wondered what was wrong with me. It isolated me. And that was good for him. And dangerous for me. But, I am strong. Though I forgot. Though I allowed things that still hurt me. And I began to pull out of that grip. I began to pray to be free from that hold. And, I began to tell him that he wasn't allowed to behave that way toward me anymore. That didn't work, so I pulled away more fully and stood my ground. It has been harder than anyone watching can imagine. But it has been life giving as well. For that I am grateful. Thankful to God for upholding me. A little sad for those onlooking to whom I can't or won't explain. But, sometimes, what we do is simply right. Though others can't see. Though they don't know. Because there are times when we just have to choose. I had to choose. And I did. And I am. And I will.
grace to you.
I have shrugged off a lot over the years. I have dealt with things that hurt me deeply. What I did was essentially allow him to get stinkier about his behaviors towards me. Oh, don't get me wrong, I fought for some things pretty hard. It's just that I have never won on any front. If I would say not to treat me that way, a long fight would ensue.....telling me all of the things that are wrong with me and it would be hours....literally...then he would cry and say he was sorry. By then, it meant nothing. It was all unloaded onto my shoulders. It took me a long time to learn that this was a pattern. I don't mean that I would yell at him or be angry when I told him something was bothering me. I mean in a calm way. Just trying to say what was on my mind and heart. He trained me to shrug it off instead.
I don't know what has happened to make me see that I can't live that way. He wonders why. I think it was when I realized that I seemed to have no sense of confidence anymore. None. Not in an interview. Not to decide what to buy. Not to decide what I really want or need. And, I finally had to break away. Had to. Or disappear completely.
Not that it was wrong to try to get along. To try to simply be content. Those can be good things. But for me, that's all there was. It was never reciprocated and my needs were never heard nor validated. While I'm not into psychobabble, I do know that there are times that we have to realize that we, as an individual, hold value. Not just because of what we do or what position we hold....mom, wife, teacher...no, just because we are each a unique individual and need to see who we are. Who we are to become. There are needs that have nothing to do with food or drink, safety or shelter. They are the most basic needs of our soul. We have to know that simply because we exist, we are valuable. That we have merit. That our thoughts and feelings are not wrong......but simply thoughts and feelings that need to be looked at and understood. While we don't have to act upon them, trying to submerge them simply destroys us. We begin to feel like we are drowning. And, emotional drowning is at least as bad as physical for this one reason...we can be rescued from physical drowning by someone else.....in emotional drowning, we have to choose to be rescued...by God, by others, by our own self. That can be tough when feeling absolutely overwhelmed. When not having support or encouragement. I know. Because it happened.
I have good friends. I have a marvelous church. I have an amazing family. But there was a person who was supposed to be on my side and wasn't...my husband. And his attitude and behavior toward me chipped away at my self worth. It caused me to withdraw more as I wondered what was wrong with me. It isolated me. And that was good for him. And dangerous for me. But, I am strong. Though I forgot. Though I allowed things that still hurt me. And I began to pull out of that grip. I began to pray to be free from that hold. And, I began to tell him that he wasn't allowed to behave that way toward me anymore. That didn't work, so I pulled away more fully and stood my ground. It has been harder than anyone watching can imagine. But it has been life giving as well. For that I am grateful. Thankful to God for upholding me. A little sad for those onlooking to whom I can't or won't explain. But, sometimes, what we do is simply right. Though others can't see. Though they don't know. Because there are times when we just have to choose. I had to choose. And I did. And I am. And I will.
grace to you.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Living
Always Remember that every day, and every moment you are alive, is a special occasion. ~ Shadonna Richards, R.N., Think & Be Happy: 365 Empowering Thoughts to Lift Your Spirit
This quote speaks to me!
Life itself IS the gift. The pleasure. The thing to look forward to. Living. Not existing. Life. Caring. Embracing.
grace to you........live.
This quote speaks to me!
Life itself IS the gift. The pleasure. The thing to look forward to. Living. Not existing. Life. Caring. Embracing.
grace to you........live.
Some of the Time
Some of the time I am better. Stronger. Hopeful. Able to stand up. Some of the time I am courageous. Purposeful. Positive. No, not all of the time. But, it was NONE the time....growth. It's slow. And yet, for me, it feels huge.
Sometimes when I am writing on here, I laugh out loud...it's as if I figure that I'm writing to nobody. But there is a part of me...deep in my soul...that knows that part of who I am is the person who needs to record her story. To let other people see and maybe be helped. Not by my answers. Not by my strength. Perhaps most of all by my weakness. By the fact that I'm pretty ordinary. I do pray for any of you that find this blog. You are on my heart as I write. Not that I know you by name. Not that I know your circumstances. But, because you are loved, adored and have purpose. No matter what you have heard. No matter how much you believe that life is too hard. You are not alone.
I know, I write. That's what I do. It is what builds me back up. My husband has laughed at my wanting to be a columnist. Maybe this is the way that I strike back? Not with words nor with fighting...but with the truth of what is in my heart to be and do.
I am able to teach. Though I can't find a teaching job. I will substitute. But, the thing is, I desire to write. To tell the stories of lives. Lives that hurt. Lives that heal. Things that are absolutely miraculous and things that seem to have no answers at all. I want to tell my story. I am compelled to do so. Not to be a superstar. Not to compare with someone else....but to possibly, in some way, to reach someone who is feeling hopeless. It is as if the christian world has become a place where only those who are doing it "right" are welcome. And, I don't know what "right" is. I know that God desires us. Our hearts. Our worship. I know that I am not holy but that Christ in me is holiness....I don't even pretend to get all of that. I just know that He has changed my life. He has been my hope. He has been my constant. For that, I am thankful.
So, some of the time, and it's becoming a larger part of time, I am able to believe that I might have purpose. That I might be worth loving. As stubborn, obnoxious, hard-hearted, unkind and mean as I've been told that I am....maybe, possibly, even I am worth loving. Maybe? I hope so. I really do. Because believing it will keep me writing. Keep me knowing that my story has value. A purpose.
Some of the time, even if it's just for a moment, all is right. No, not in my marriage, but in my heart. In there being truth. And as hard as it is to walk in that truth, there is something about it that is hopeful. That gives me a sense that no matter what people think of me, it has no power over me. I am learning. Often on my own. Sometimes with others. I am a great observer of people.
And, some of the time, I wonder if there is any hope at all for me. But those times are diminishing. It's mostly when people who don't know what is going on put me in an awkward position...or those who do know try to make it better by making me behave in my marriage a certain way. I did that. Whether anyone knows it or not. And now, I have to decide. Purposefully. Prayerfully. I just can't even imagine a life with him anymore. No trust. I kept believing him for so long. But all he wants is for him to feel better. Not me. For him, becoming one meant I diminished until "we" were just him.....and I can't do it. And I still feel guilty for that. But less so. It's the whole church thing that does it. Otherwise, I would have called it quits already.
Some of the time I have glimpses of what can be. And that's enough. I walk in joy knowing that it's a journey, an adventure.....and I'm not being graded. I simply need to do life gently, kindly and yet.....truthfully. And that gives me hope.
grace to you.
Sometimes when I am writing on here, I laugh out loud...it's as if I figure that I'm writing to nobody. But there is a part of me...deep in my soul...that knows that part of who I am is the person who needs to record her story. To let other people see and maybe be helped. Not by my answers. Not by my strength. Perhaps most of all by my weakness. By the fact that I'm pretty ordinary. I do pray for any of you that find this blog. You are on my heart as I write. Not that I know you by name. Not that I know your circumstances. But, because you are loved, adored and have purpose. No matter what you have heard. No matter how much you believe that life is too hard. You are not alone.
I know, I write. That's what I do. It is what builds me back up. My husband has laughed at my wanting to be a columnist. Maybe this is the way that I strike back? Not with words nor with fighting...but with the truth of what is in my heart to be and do.
I am able to teach. Though I can't find a teaching job. I will substitute. But, the thing is, I desire to write. To tell the stories of lives. Lives that hurt. Lives that heal. Things that are absolutely miraculous and things that seem to have no answers at all. I want to tell my story. I am compelled to do so. Not to be a superstar. Not to compare with someone else....but to possibly, in some way, to reach someone who is feeling hopeless. It is as if the christian world has become a place where only those who are doing it "right" are welcome. And, I don't know what "right" is. I know that God desires us. Our hearts. Our worship. I know that I am not holy but that Christ in me is holiness....I don't even pretend to get all of that. I just know that He has changed my life. He has been my hope. He has been my constant. For that, I am thankful.
So, some of the time, and it's becoming a larger part of time, I am able to believe that I might have purpose. That I might be worth loving. As stubborn, obnoxious, hard-hearted, unkind and mean as I've been told that I am....maybe, possibly, even I am worth loving. Maybe? I hope so. I really do. Because believing it will keep me writing. Keep me knowing that my story has value. A purpose.
Some of the time, even if it's just for a moment, all is right. No, not in my marriage, but in my heart. In there being truth. And as hard as it is to walk in that truth, there is something about it that is hopeful. That gives me a sense that no matter what people think of me, it has no power over me. I am learning. Often on my own. Sometimes with others. I am a great observer of people.
And, some of the time, I wonder if there is any hope at all for me. But those times are diminishing. It's mostly when people who don't know what is going on put me in an awkward position...or those who do know try to make it better by making me behave in my marriage a certain way. I did that. Whether anyone knows it or not. And now, I have to decide. Purposefully. Prayerfully. I just can't even imagine a life with him anymore. No trust. I kept believing him for so long. But all he wants is for him to feel better. Not me. For him, becoming one meant I diminished until "we" were just him.....and I can't do it. And I still feel guilty for that. But less so. It's the whole church thing that does it. Otherwise, I would have called it quits already.
Some of the time I have glimpses of what can be. And that's enough. I walk in joy knowing that it's a journey, an adventure.....and I'm not being graded. I simply need to do life gently, kindly and yet.....truthfully. And that gives me hope.
grace to you.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Undetected
Nobody notices nor sees those things which they do not want to. I have learned this well. But, sometimes, I forget. I think that the difficulties I am going through are visible. Not so much. Today was a birthday lunch day...for one of my sons. My husband hid in his room in front of the tv until "company" came. Then he came out to act helpful. I'm just so over the game. It was a nice day. A good time for my son. I know that. And, hopefully for the guests. It wears me out, but that's just how it is. There is a price to helping people feel at home. And, I do like hospitality.
Too much difficulty around. A woman came up to me at church as I was peeking in...I wanted to touch base with my "non" counselor...she wasn't there. But, another woman walked up to me and told me how sorry she was that there was a scheduling conflict with us going up to the mountains with the mysterious group that my husband goes to on some rather random schedule....apparently everyone else knows who else is in the group and such...as for me, I don't even know what it is. And, don't really worry about it. She was nice, but as she was saying that there would be more things coming up, I said that it probably wasn't going to happen that I'd be doing that...she was shocked, I guess. "Don't you like us?" kind of way. I assured her that it has nothing to do with her. I just couldn't come up with a kind placating way to say "oh, wouldn't that be nice....and not mean it." I guess that I shouldn't be around there. It does irritate me that he just lets it be on me. He pushes me that the people in a sunday school class that I went to years ago miss me.....the pushing is less powerful now. Today was really the first day that I've ever really looked someone in the eye, stood tall and said, "no, that would not be comfortable and probably won't be happening." And while I didn't mean to shock or offend, I just have come to a point where holding it all in all of he time is hard. It's really hard to live undetected because people make a load of assumptions......and expect me to meet them. Not ready to do so anymore. They can like me or not. Talk about me or not. It's not really my problem. I know that where I am is where I am. I can't zap out of it. I can only walk through.
My husband wants normal....the kind of normal where he can live doing what he wants and I make things ok. But, I'm supposed to feel guilty about what I want or need. He is probably great for someone? Maybe. I don't know. Guilt and shame are huge. I hate that I have bought into them. I want to change more and more. To live a life of worship. To seek peace of heart. To allow joy permanent residence.
I am undetected. Nearly always. Though I'm not trying to be. I guess that's what they call hiding in plain sight.
Today was ok. Not great for me, but good for others....and that matters to me. And it was better than some have been. I am learning to say what I need to say. I know that I can't really just put it out there for all of my friends. I often wonder if they get how horribly wrong things have been. Probably not. Oh well. I don't have to make them get it. I can want to....and not do it.
It is hard for me when he acts all funny and nice when people are around. It's becoming more and more obvious. I do wish him happiness. In some way or form. I hope he finds his way. You know, for all of the times that we've "talked" and for all of the times that I've said what I need or want....he still doesn't care. He still pretends that he can make me do what I did before. It frustrates him that he can't in some ways, but he pretends for others. Poor thing. That is taking an awful lot of energy.
Someone posted on her wall how her husband has encouraged her and watched her succeed...cheered her on and believed in her etc...and said to repost. I laughed. Out loud. Right. Not in business. Not in homelife. Not in anything.
Even today........"can I throw these beans away that have been in here for a week to make room...." he only asks such things if others are around. He likes to humiliate. I've been telling him to stop that for years. Oh well. I'm done spending time worrying. There's a life story to be lived. And that's going to take a lot of energy. And commitment.
grace to you.
Too much difficulty around. A woman came up to me at church as I was peeking in...I wanted to touch base with my "non" counselor...she wasn't there. But, another woman walked up to me and told me how sorry she was that there was a scheduling conflict with us going up to the mountains with the mysterious group that my husband goes to on some rather random schedule....apparently everyone else knows who else is in the group and such...as for me, I don't even know what it is. And, don't really worry about it. She was nice, but as she was saying that there would be more things coming up, I said that it probably wasn't going to happen that I'd be doing that...she was shocked, I guess. "Don't you like us?" kind of way. I assured her that it has nothing to do with her. I just couldn't come up with a kind placating way to say "oh, wouldn't that be nice....and not mean it." I guess that I shouldn't be around there. It does irritate me that he just lets it be on me. He pushes me that the people in a sunday school class that I went to years ago miss me.....the pushing is less powerful now. Today was really the first day that I've ever really looked someone in the eye, stood tall and said, "no, that would not be comfortable and probably won't be happening." And while I didn't mean to shock or offend, I just have come to a point where holding it all in all of he time is hard. It's really hard to live undetected because people make a load of assumptions......and expect me to meet them. Not ready to do so anymore. They can like me or not. Talk about me or not. It's not really my problem. I know that where I am is where I am. I can't zap out of it. I can only walk through.
My husband wants normal....the kind of normal where he can live doing what he wants and I make things ok. But, I'm supposed to feel guilty about what I want or need. He is probably great for someone? Maybe. I don't know. Guilt and shame are huge. I hate that I have bought into them. I want to change more and more. To live a life of worship. To seek peace of heart. To allow joy permanent residence.
I am undetected. Nearly always. Though I'm not trying to be. I guess that's what they call hiding in plain sight.
Today was ok. Not great for me, but good for others....and that matters to me. And it was better than some have been. I am learning to say what I need to say. I know that I can't really just put it out there for all of my friends. I often wonder if they get how horribly wrong things have been. Probably not. Oh well. I don't have to make them get it. I can want to....and not do it.
It is hard for me when he acts all funny and nice when people are around. It's becoming more and more obvious. I do wish him happiness. In some way or form. I hope he finds his way. You know, for all of the times that we've "talked" and for all of the times that I've said what I need or want....he still doesn't care. He still pretends that he can make me do what I did before. It frustrates him that he can't in some ways, but he pretends for others. Poor thing. That is taking an awful lot of energy.
Someone posted on her wall how her husband has encouraged her and watched her succeed...cheered her on and believed in her etc...and said to repost. I laughed. Out loud. Right. Not in business. Not in homelife. Not in anything.
Even today........"can I throw these beans away that have been in here for a week to make room...." he only asks such things if others are around. He likes to humiliate. I've been telling him to stop that for years. Oh well. I'm done spending time worrying. There's a life story to be lived. And that's going to take a lot of energy. And commitment.
grace to you.
Did You Ever Know That You're My Hero?
You walked hard roads. With a smile. And a heart full of grace and giving. You faced up to the troubles when your husband left you. When your son nearly died. When it looked like you simply wouldn't have enough money to live. When you were talked about and when you were alone. Oh so many people have been touched by your life. By your choosing. Choosing to be someone who sees others. Who gets out in the world...not as an extrovert, but just with your own group of cared for ones....and gives all. Who rests when the time comes. And prays so often. Who has never been caught up in religion and yet is so full of the Spirit.
You are not wimpy. Nor weak willed. Nor in any way perfect. You can be downright stubborn. Sometimes even selfish. There have even been a couple of times where you have been...mean. I know. Surprise. And yet, there remains this thing. Something that calls out to my spirit. And I think, "you are my hero." You live as one who has purpose. Who gives what she has to give. Who seeks out her talents and hones them. Who keeps believing against indescribable odds, but then I stop. Not really my hero. Because a hero seems removed. Distant. On a pedestal. And you are not that person. No.
You are a breath. Like cool fresh air on a stifling hot day. You are laughter that comes in the moment when the world is looking pretty grim. You are whimsy in a world full of staunchy, boring do it all the same. You are.....a friend. A true friend. And you are good at it. I see how you reach out to others. Care about their hearts, their lives, their situations. And it is beautiful. Be blessed my friend. As you have blessed so many.
grace to you.
You are not wimpy. Nor weak willed. Nor in any way perfect. You can be downright stubborn. Sometimes even selfish. There have even been a couple of times where you have been...mean. I know. Surprise. And yet, there remains this thing. Something that calls out to my spirit. And I think, "you are my hero." You live as one who has purpose. Who gives what she has to give. Who seeks out her talents and hones them. Who keeps believing against indescribable odds, but then I stop. Not really my hero. Because a hero seems removed. Distant. On a pedestal. And you are not that person. No.
You are a breath. Like cool fresh air on a stifling hot day. You are laughter that comes in the moment when the world is looking pretty grim. You are whimsy in a world full of staunchy, boring do it all the same. You are.....a friend. A true friend. And you are good at it. I see how you reach out to others. Care about their hearts, their lives, their situations. And it is beautiful. Be blessed my friend. As you have blessed so many.
grace to you.
Seen. And not Rejected.
You know, I went to worship time at church this morning. It was a gift to myself. And to the One who made me for worship. That I can get past it being about anyone else. My husband wants all of life to revolve around him, but he is so painfully critical to those of us who could have given him so much. And, finally, as I continue my journey, I know that I don't have to live in that place. And, I don't have to give up the God who made me......AND, most importantly, that HE hasn't given me up nor given up on me. He sees me. He does not reject me. He sees me. He does not throw me away. I am His. DAy to day.
It does not make the rest of my life a picnic. It does not mean that other realities aren't true too....because they are. Deeply. Painfully. My husband has an elaborate game. But, given ten minutes really together and it falters. I am not able to be pushed into submission anymore. Not the good kind, the harmful kind. I am finally aware that I am a person. That my wrongs and sins and troubles do not mean that I should have to settle for someone treating me as if that is all that I am. Because I am more. So much more than those things. I am those things as well. Never near perfect....don't foresee it coming anytime soon....yet, perfectly accepted. My story. Beginning to end. A love story. Of being loved in and through all times. And I used to think that I remembered that....my life having been as hard as it was, but I had truly lost the sense of it. The sense of my own value.
I watched him yesterday. I realized that there is something about him that could be so wonderful. That is wonderful? Yet, it isn't for me. For me, he has always remained more separate. A wall? No, not really...more of a list that I don't meet and so he can never truly find me acceptable.
And I'm done. I was seen and rejected. And I stayed. And I loved. And I tried. And I gave. And I disappeared....I thought. But, my time has not yet come. I must live. Give. Feed the birds. "Do" my story. I must be someone. Not just someone trying to make life ok for someone else.
I also realized that I don't really care if I'm divorced. No desire to date. No desire to have someone else in my life who thinks that he gets to decide if I'm living up to what I'm supposed to be. And, I don't want to have the courts involved in the final years of our kids at home.
So, I'm thinking that maybe I could do one of two things. Mostly, maybe I just suck it up and live like it is now. Although the floor and couch are not the best, it is good for the kids not to have to choose or go from one to the other. He could move out. I know, in my dreams, right?
I know that failure is not acceptable for him. He can't stand it. Competition has been and will be everything to him. He always measures and evaluates and finds what is WRONG with others and RIGHT with him.
And that is his right. He gets to choose. Ah ha. Ding ding ding. Lightbulb. He gets to choose......and so do I. How to respond. How to live. I allowed his right for so long that I forgot that I have a right to. To be allowed the freedom and encouragement to become what was planned for me. And blaming him if I don't do so is a copout...it just means that I didn't choose to do it. Even if it's hard.
grace to you
It does not make the rest of my life a picnic. It does not mean that other realities aren't true too....because they are. Deeply. Painfully. My husband has an elaborate game. But, given ten minutes really together and it falters. I am not able to be pushed into submission anymore. Not the good kind, the harmful kind. I am finally aware that I am a person. That my wrongs and sins and troubles do not mean that I should have to settle for someone treating me as if that is all that I am. Because I am more. So much more than those things. I am those things as well. Never near perfect....don't foresee it coming anytime soon....yet, perfectly accepted. My story. Beginning to end. A love story. Of being loved in and through all times. And I used to think that I remembered that....my life having been as hard as it was, but I had truly lost the sense of it. The sense of my own value.
I watched him yesterday. I realized that there is something about him that could be so wonderful. That is wonderful? Yet, it isn't for me. For me, he has always remained more separate. A wall? No, not really...more of a list that I don't meet and so he can never truly find me acceptable.
And I'm done. I was seen and rejected. And I stayed. And I loved. And I tried. And I gave. And I disappeared....I thought. But, my time has not yet come. I must live. Give. Feed the birds. "Do" my story. I must be someone. Not just someone trying to make life ok for someone else.
I also realized that I don't really care if I'm divorced. No desire to date. No desire to have someone else in my life who thinks that he gets to decide if I'm living up to what I'm supposed to be. And, I don't want to have the courts involved in the final years of our kids at home.
So, I'm thinking that maybe I could do one of two things. Mostly, maybe I just suck it up and live like it is now. Although the floor and couch are not the best, it is good for the kids not to have to choose or go from one to the other. He could move out. I know, in my dreams, right?
I know that failure is not acceptable for him. He can't stand it. Competition has been and will be everything to him. He always measures and evaluates and finds what is WRONG with others and RIGHT with him.
And that is his right. He gets to choose. Ah ha. Ding ding ding. Lightbulb. He gets to choose......and so do I. How to respond. How to live. I allowed his right for so long that I forgot that I have a right to. To be allowed the freedom and encouragement to become what was planned for me. And blaming him if I don't do so is a copout...it just means that I didn't choose to do it. Even if it's hard.
grace to you
Friday, August 12, 2011
Giving
I like to give. Of myself. Of my resources. I like using whatever I have to see what God will do with it. From a smile to objects to cash...it doesn't matter....it's the giving something away without expecting something in return that has taught me to see how deeply and completely God cares for me. He doesn't need me to hold on to stuff with both hands. He doesn't need me to hang onto my joy and peace in order for me to have "enough". The amazing thing about God is that the more I give away, the more He brings. No, not in material stuff necessarily. But in meeting my needs. When my hands and heart are open, I can receive as well as give. When they are closed and holding on, I can't receive anymore.
I meet so many hurting people. I see them. I see there hurt looks. The downward twist of their mouths. I see the wateriness of their eyes. The slope to their shoulders. The shuffle of their step. The quietness of their voices. The confusion. Lack of making a decision. It's painful to see. So many people hurting. So many people with so much to give....all who have hurts. Me included. But, with hands and hearts wide open, we can be healed. We can grow and turn our faces to the sunshine. We can see the light and goodness in the world and not the temporary troubles.
So, though it's easy to be out for "me", I choose to see, to act and to do. To give and to encourage. To believe that each act of kindness is a step toward giving more "life" to Jesus in me.
And, it's so fun to begin with my children. To help a neighbor. To get jazzed dreaming about what can be......that's who I was made to be. Free. Able to see and hope. Best get to it.
grace to you.
I meet so many hurting people. I see them. I see there hurt looks. The downward twist of their mouths. I see the wateriness of their eyes. The slope to their shoulders. The shuffle of their step. The quietness of their voices. The confusion. Lack of making a decision. It's painful to see. So many people hurting. So many people with so much to give....all who have hurts. Me included. But, with hands and hearts wide open, we can be healed. We can grow and turn our faces to the sunshine. We can see the light and goodness in the world and not the temporary troubles.
So, though it's easy to be out for "me", I choose to see, to act and to do. To give and to encourage. To believe that each act of kindness is a step toward giving more "life" to Jesus in me.
And, it's so fun to begin with my children. To help a neighbor. To get jazzed dreaming about what can be......that's who I was made to be. Free. Able to see and hope. Best get to it.
grace to you.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
My Children
I took a job and in nearly 21 years, I have never had a day off. I have been on-call 24/7. I have had sleepless nights, worry and days where I wasn't sure if I could complete the task. I have been exuberant and within the same hour, felt completely inadequate. I went into the job untrained and with only a great amount of love and hope to give. I have done this job much on my own. I have counseled, advised, listened, encouraged, despaired, dreamed, and simply let go. It has been an amazing job and I will never retire. I will hold this job until the day I die. I will never receive a paycheck nor a bonus nor some kind of merit award. Nobody will know my name because of the job I do. As a matter of fact, most people know me by "she's *****'s mom". And, I have cried many tears. Laughed so hard I cried. Had the best hugs. Been known well. Given more than I thought that I had to give. And....every bit is worth it. My kids have changed my life. I adore them. And, on a good day, the feeling is mutual. Each is so different. So wonderfully unique. It has not been easy. Nor simple. Nor predictable. It has been a grand adventure. Of all of the things I might ever remember, what will be the most precious are the memories of my children.
Though many other things go wrong. Are yucky. Make me cringe. Though my husband just has never gotten onboard with the whole family deal....it's always the 6 of us and him. He views himself as an individual....we view ourselves as a family. It has always been that way. Argument 673. Anyway, though that is true....I have never for one instant regretted these kids. They stole my heart from the first day I suspected I was pregnant until now. And...on until I am a great great grandma. They are profoundly marvelous. Wise. Full of courage.
I love my kids. And, I love knowing that they love me. It's all kinds of wonderful.
grace to you.
Though many other things go wrong. Are yucky. Make me cringe. Though my husband just has never gotten onboard with the whole family deal....it's always the 6 of us and him. He views himself as an individual....we view ourselves as a family. It has always been that way. Argument 673. Anyway, though that is true....I have never for one instant regretted these kids. They stole my heart from the first day I suspected I was pregnant until now. And...on until I am a great great grandma. They are profoundly marvelous. Wise. Full of courage.
I love my kids. And, I love knowing that they love me. It's all kinds of wonderful.
grace to you.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Wuv. True wuv.
You know, I grew up with a complex that I never even knew I had. The knight in shining armor fantasy. The hope and dream that I would marry, have children and be a great wife and mother with a man beside me who would slay the dragons and throw his cape over the puddles. But, alas, I am no princess and my knight does not exist.
And I think that the pain of it all is that it is the fantasy of every young girl. Her prince charming. Her knight. What's funny......well, a girl will find a man who thinks she is a princess to be her prince charming. It's not like it has to be a superhero.
But how did I get to the point that I lost my sense of self value? That I felt ugly? Fat? Do you know that I never struggled with what I looked like BEFORE I was married? And, the painful thing is that I have allowed someone so deeply into my heart that they did serious damage, not just the superficial things that get fixed up easily.
True wuv. I know it exists. I've seen it in the faces of the old people holding hands. I've also seen simple tolerance. I don't want to be tolerated. It's simply not enough. Right or wrong. I want more than that. And he doesn't want to give it because I don't deserve it.
So, though there is love...it's the kid because you have history and commitment. But, if he doesn't back off, it will be more bitter. It's hard to keep focusing on who I need to be when he keeps focusing on who I should be..He thinks all about himself EXCEPT for when it comes to changing and growing...then it's anyone and everyone else's problem.
No knight. I wish I could have been the princess. Or, I did wish it. Now, I realize, I don't need rescuing. And I don't need permission. And I don't need a cape over a puddle....I like splashing in puddles and playing in the rain. I will be fine. I will breathe. There is deep joy in reality.
grace to you.
And I think that the pain of it all is that it is the fantasy of every young girl. Her prince charming. Her knight. What's funny......well, a girl will find a man who thinks she is a princess to be her prince charming. It's not like it has to be a superhero.
But how did I get to the point that I lost my sense of self value? That I felt ugly? Fat? Do you know that I never struggled with what I looked like BEFORE I was married? And, the painful thing is that I have allowed someone so deeply into my heart that they did serious damage, not just the superficial things that get fixed up easily.
True wuv. I know it exists. I've seen it in the faces of the old people holding hands. I've also seen simple tolerance. I don't want to be tolerated. It's simply not enough. Right or wrong. I want more than that. And he doesn't want to give it because I don't deserve it.
So, though there is love...it's the kid because you have history and commitment. But, if he doesn't back off, it will be more bitter. It's hard to keep focusing on who I need to be when he keeps focusing on who I should be..He thinks all about himself EXCEPT for when it comes to changing and growing...then it's anyone and everyone else's problem.
No knight. I wish I could have been the princess. Or, I did wish it. Now, I realize, I don't need rescuing. And I don't need permission. And I don't need a cape over a puddle....I like splashing in puddles and playing in the rain. I will be fine. I will breathe. There is deep joy in reality.
grace to you.
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