Reaching Out

Reaching out is a good thing.  Healthy.  But, it's also good to learn not to be a P.I.T.A.  That's where I am. I have been hurting and needy and frankly, if I don't cool it, I will suck people around me dry.  I'm sure that they are sick of my garbage.....not as sick as I am, but still....

So, I need to learn to reach out in good ways but to also just let people be.  It's hard.  Really hard.  It's not as if my mom or someone like that is just going to call me to check in on me.....for those of you who are "new", my mom died when I was a child.  My family is not known for being there.  I spent an awful lot of years trying to fix that.  What a sad thing it is.  But, I am glad that I quit trying to fix all of that.  It was like trying to unravel a chain when people are pulling it taut......if nothing gives, the knots just get tighter.

But, it's another thing that it feels like I failed in.  I tried to hold my family together from childhood.  To not be a bother.  To be happy.  To be quiet.  To read or stay out of the way.  Frankly, it doesn't work, I should've been a hellion. ;)

But, I don't reach out just for me....I am genuinely interested in the people in my life.  I love deeply.  I am devoted.  Sound like a labrador.  But, I'm more like a standard poodle....they are cool dogs but certainly not most people's choice.  

How to find my way?  I don't really know.  I don't intend to walk alone.  But I do intend to stand.  To be upright.

And.....I don't know that I really want to go to a counselor.  It kind of rubs me weird...paying someone to have to hear me....who doesn't really care in the long term.  I'm kind of stuck going because I said I would, but I laid awake hours last night thinking about how it goes against my belief system.  Not that I think that people shouldn't see counselors....just that I think that there are better and healthier ways.  Oh well.  I guess if you get to the point that you have to pay someone to listen to you then it's pretty serious. The thing is that I don't really want to.  Because having someone who has nothing vested in me understand what I'm facing means very little.  It's the people who actually know me that matter.  

Ok, my learning curve is high.  

I wonder if there will ever be a time in my life when my phone rings just because someone wanted to hear my voice or see how my day was?  Not thinking that it's likely.  Again....why am I so hard to love? Weird, I know.  Different, I'm guessing.  But clueless....definitely.  It makes me feel stupid to be so dumb that I don't even know why I'm hard to love.  I guess it's that I'm stubborn and annoying.  Don't even try to be.  

Well, kinda tired of tears.  Gonna go.

grace to you.