Peace Walker

I am learning to walk more peacefully.  Though nothing outwardly has changed.  Though I remain invisible to the man who pledged to love me.  Strangely, I am finding that I can find my peace and joy and hope simply in the Father.  The One who not only pledged....but who loved me before I ever loved Him, continues to love me no matter where or how I walk, and lets me lean on Him at all times.  I used to know that so deeply.  But, marrying someone who believes that works are where it's at changed me without me even realizing.  I constantly battled feeling good enough, spiritual enough, active enough.  It's like life became an unending race with very few rest stops along the way.  And, the thing is....I am a meanderer.  I have to wander and stop and enjoy.  Ponder  Think.  Reflect.  Write.  Pray.  Be silent.  Laugh.  Goof off.  Walk in the puddles.  Enjoy the distractions.  I'm not type A.  Don't get me wrong.  When push comes to shove, I can get the job done.  But, I don't like living in that rushed, pushing, constantly performing mentality.  It makes me stressed just thinking about it. 
When I have a job to do, I like to plan enough time for it.  And enough time to have breaks or rest.  Perhaps my health has contributed to that.  Not sure.  But, this I know:  I don't measure up.  And this other thing I also know:  I don't have to.  And, finally, I simply don't care anymore.  I am relaxed with living.  With learning  With studying.  With waiting.  This time, with my husband gone, I was able to be me.  Not simply looking for things that would impress him when he would get home.  I am peaceful.  Excited.  Happy.  I know, happy. 
Though I miss my son.  Though my marriage is on the rocks.  Though the mountains tremble......He is enough.  And I don't have to be.  It's a battle I don't need to fight because it's a battle that can't be won.  Humans can't be measured by whether they are enough.  They simply are.  Simply loved.  Simply to die for.....Jesus said so.  Oh, I have momentary panic attacks.  I get pissed off.  I wonder way too often what it is that makes it impossible for him to allow a real relationship.  But, overall, I guess I've determined that it's not a riddle I'm going to solve.  I simply do not know.  Maybe he doesn't know either.  But I won't deal with it pretending that it doesn't exist anymore.  I will not destroy myself as some christian sacrifice to the idol of commitment.  Commitment has a place....a big place in life....but, the greatest of these is not commitment....it's LOVE.  Without having to perform.  I gave that to him.  He gave me commitment.  He gave me tolerance.  He gave me his pride of never going to get divorced.  But those things do not fill.  They do not build.  They do not heal.  And, eventually, they suck up all that there is to give and are left wanting more and more.......that's where we ended up.  No matter how much I could give, it was never going to be enough. 
I've enjoyed not working this week.  I'll get back to the routine.  It has simply been nice to breathe in the peace.  Like I had an oxygen infusion.  Feels marvelous.
I'm not all better.  Sometimes I wonder if I ever will be.  The hurt is immense.  But, the healing is refreshing.  It gives me hope. 
grace to you.  you are prayed for.