Cancelled

So, I cancelled my sub job for tomorrow.  Fed my kids easy.  Sat in the living room with them all around me while I quizzed them and others did homework or simply chilled.  Funniest thing is that when my husband goes away, they come out of the woodwork.  What's that about?  My third son spent the whole evening with me in the living room.  My daughter didn't hide in her room to read.  My eldest stayed in  My fourth son sat on the couch and chatted with everyone.  Such a different dynamic. 
I am still hurting.
I cried when I went to drive my van and moved the seat.  My son and I were just talking yesterday about how he and I switch van/car with each other so many times in a day.  So, when I got in the van and realized that I had to move the seat up...but that I wouldn't anymore, it just hit me hard.  Silly...of course.  It is the little things.  And because of that, I am not up to doing a job in a place that I am unfamiliar and nervous.  I need comfort and comfortable.  I need to baby myself a little.  Do the other things that are on my heart.  Help my son find his apartment and furniture.  Take my other kids to school...the thought of not doing that tomorrow also made me cry.  Silly.  Again.  But I am learning that it's ok even if it's not rational or completely together.  Even if they don't get it and invite me back to sub.  I think they will.  I explained it to the lady I was supposed to sub for.  There was a new sub within two minutes...literally..no chance to return to the job.  I think that was God's design.  It took me hours to get up my courage to do it.  And, as soon as I did, I thought, oh, I'll just go back and take it.  It already was taken....So, I have breathed easier without that hanging over my head.  Time.  Simple time.  To rest.  And plan.  And enjoy my house.  Two days with my big boy.  Then one day blessedly alone.  Then Saturday.  A nice football/barbeque weekend.  It's a good week.  Though it's intense.  I want to feel every moment of it.  I want to revel in how God teaches my children, blesses them and calls them His own. 
I want to do what I actually believe that I need to do.  And....amazingly...I am.  Tired tonight. 
Maybe I'll sleep in a bed.  But, probably not.  Don't want my kids to have more questions. 
I miss my son.  I will go see him.  I'll find an airline ticket soon.  Or I'll drive.  But, I will go.
Because I can choose.
grace to you.