Good Morning

I was up early.  About....5.  I know, me and the old people.  Wait.  Uh oh! Maybe I AM the old people?! No way.  I was enjoying the beauty of the quiet.  Of finishing my painting and some more sanitizing.  Taking out the dogs....three times so far.  Letting out the d*** chickens and watering the husband's squash that he was so afraid would die while he was gone.  Nope.  I am somewhat responsible. I didn't even have to have written or verbal instructions.  I know, not nice.  Sarcasm.  Ok, I'll try to put it aside...but, I guess it would be better just to say that it really irks me that he always expects from me what he has never been willing to give...to care about what he cares about.  And, the sad truth is....it's easy for me to do.  I always did.  Always wanted to make him happy, to see what it is that brings him joy.  Always could see him.  Now,I'm  learning that many of my woes are my own fault.  I focused on being the good wife and seeing what he needed.  I tried to read my part in the Bible and not worry about his.  I pushed my doubts and questions aside about why he didn't protect, why he didn't reciprocate, I made excuses to the children about "how" he shows love.  But, all of the time, I was assuming that he felt as I did.  There's the hard part.  The rub of the whole matter.  It wasn't fake love.  I really loved him.  Yep, it's past tense.  Oh, there are remnants, fragments, pieces....due to history and children and such.  But, that "anything that you want, anything that you need" kinda' love has passed.  As surely as if he had taken a gun and shot it.  Actually, more like slowly suffocated it.  Until it just finally died.  Because I gave him love and he used my love to hurt me.  To use me.  And I'm not going to allow that anymore.  No way no how.
But today I have watered and cleaned and painted and taken care of animals.  It's early.  And I am honestly peaceful.  Happy.  Something about making decisions and not being constantly wondering or trying to do what people maybe think I "should".  Just resting in what is.  In where I am.  In Who is holding me.  Daily.  Moment by moment.  And He doesn't turn away.  And He won't abuse my love by trying to make me do things that are harmful to me.  I am having to relearn that.  I am looking forward.  It's a beautiful life.  Can't waste it.  It's a gift. 
grace to you.