I think that my emotions are so high because my son is leaving for college. I am not going to be the one taking him and I can't even picture putting him in the car with his dad that last morning. For one, I know that he is worried about whether his dad will be sure he has what he needs and such. I worry too. But, he has money and he knows what to do. And, he can always call me. But the hardest thing is not being there to meet his roommate and say goodbye. Hard to know that he'll be so very far away.
And then there's the niggling guilt. Man, I am SO sick of guilt. But, I am so relieved that my husband will be gone for those five days. I'm nearly counting the moments until I have that time. I've bought a sample color of paint for the kitchen. I changed from the teal. I really like this gray color....and how it makes the tile look so much more elegant. So, I will try to paint. I think I'll take off that week. Not sub unless it's for someone I know or a school I know. I need me time.
I realized that with two "big" boys home that there's basically never time by myself. Time to bawl my eyes out. Not that everyone has to do that, but I find that a good cry can be very cleansing in the midst of so much garbage.
On top of all of that, I know that very shortly my kids will all be gone. I want to be settled and ready to have a life. Working. Self supporting...and helping my kids out. I have only five years with my daughter. And then those college years. I am thinking of selling the house eventually after they move. I really want to live elsewhere, I think. Lots of people I love here, but something keeps calling me. I want to have a teaching job because I love it, but also because I love summer's off. I want to travel. I want to walk the beach. The only downside of living at the beach is that everyone would want to visit all of the time.....I would have to get good at boundaries. Of course, by then, most of the people I know would have grown kids too, so it would be different. I want to love. Not be "in love." Simply love those in my path. And do it well. And....I want to love myself. I want to love the God who made me and who loves me first. I want to love moments. Enjoy food. Worship. I want to live fully and without constantly battling. It's too much.
The only way I see to get there is to make it through these five years. It seems like eternity. And it seems like an instant. My baby 18?? Wow. And yet...still so far off.
I love being with kmy kids. I don't like the shadow that falls when I have to remove myself. When he comes around. He scares me. Can be all smiles...with no care. I shudder as I write it. And yet, so personable. It scares me deeply somehow.
I think of the years that I took anti-depressants. Cried. Felt self-loathing for how I was failing. And I think how easy I am to make smile. Those things do not mesh. I know it mentally. If I can just get it to my heart. Chonda Pierce said that she learned that depression is anger turned inward. I would have to agree.
Today I did wish for a counselor. Today I wished that I had someone to call out of the blue and say that I just need t.l.c. I know that I'm suffeing. Body hurts. A lot.
But, in the midst of all of this, I am sitting on my front porch. My newest doggie is playing in the sprinkler and barking and having a good old time while my chihuahua is lounging in the sunshine in the grass. I am glad to have the new doggie. He likes us and barks when people come around. He makes me feel more secure. The cats..well, they kinda are ok. Not my greatest choice, but sweet enough. I live on nearly an acre. With trees around. And a grassy yard. Well water. And now, plenty of flowers...though I want more perennials. An arbor. Vines climbing the house. Five years to do it. Then I will sell it to someone who will love it. Or, maybe there will be a new plan by then. But it doesn't include someone who has made life so very very hard. And who pretends to be so very very good.
How I can suddenly get cold on such a hot day is amazing. Emotional. Fear. I need to be free.
grace to you.
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