Learning to Know Myself

For years I have sucked it up and done what I need to do or should do when I need to or should do it.  I have put aside feelings and pain.  I have put aside tiredness and grumpiness.  I have lived much to look and be "fine".  But, today my boy left.  Then I sat with my older one planning his very imminent departure as well.  Rough day.  Not bad.  Just hard.  Tears.  At first I tried to shake it off.  Told myself I'd be sad for awhile and then just get some work done and do what I should.  But, after awhile I realized that I need to remember that sometimes it's ok to just take some time to grieve.  To ache.  To be lazy and cry.  To weep, even.  And, it's ok not to work.  It's ok not to perform.  It's ok to feel.  So, I have decided to listen to those needs a little better.  I have friends who are much better at this than I am.  I always admire it.  So, here I am on my journey to becoming who I want to become.  And, I want to become a person who has time....who MAKES time... for herself when she needs to.  And, I am even contemplating taking off tomorrow.  I have a sub job.  My first.  I had planned on not working this week.  Because I knew that my heart needs the time.  So does my house.  I need the time.  So, I think that I'll take it.  And revel in it.  Not revel in moping.  But revel in this time without my husband around.  In this time of learning to face my deep emotions.  And not run or bury myself in busyness.  I like to be quiet.  I have been very quiet today.  Not sleeping.  Not much work...just simply breathing in and out.  Because I need to breathe. 
Feels very good.  And it hurts.  Each breath reminds me of another thing that will be different.  My son and I won't be the first to greet each other in the mornings.  I won't see him walk barefooted out to get the paper.  He has rituals as surely as a much more mature person.  Has for several years.  REads the paper and eats his breakfast.  Feeds the dog.  Walks the dog around the house.  Taking his time.  Just like he walked around the house as a child with a stick, pondering and not doing much of anything but swinging a stick.  It's him.  I've looked up so many times today expecting him to walk in the room.  But, he won't.  He'll go to a new place and he will charm them with his sweet spirit and down to earth, practical ways.  Some girl will fall in love with him.  Several have already tried....;)  And, life will never be what it was.  It might even get........better.  But, for this time, I need to give myself this time.  To simply say, "ouch."  God made it possible for him to go to this school.  This amazing christian school that I choked when he wanted to go..the price was SO much.  But, he plodded on, praying (I prayed too) and doing what he needed to do to get scholarships.  Searching the web.  Writing essays.  Facing his fears and going to an interview at the school for grants and scholarships.  He contacted our church and got an internship for next summer....his school will double what the church gives him up to a certain amount.  And, my faith increased.  It's like his never wavered.  He never thought he'd need to go somewhere else.  I never suggested it.  No because of money.  Only if he changed his mind because it seemed like what God had for him.  I want him to always know that changing his mind, no matter where he finds himself in life, is ok.  And so, it might get to be even better than it has been.  More people to love.  More experiences to share.  I do look forward.  But, just for this wee bit in time, I need to give myself the time to cry and hurt for the family that will be changed forever.  So, I will.  I give myself permission.  Big step.  I am proud.
grace to you