Take It Where You Get It

It's always nice when things turn out well.  When the people you love love you back.  When the people who are close by have your back.  But, I've learned that it doesn't always go that way.  Sometimes, the people we love the most, walk away, die or simply don't care.  Sometimes, they like the relationship because of what it gives them but have no intention of giving anything meaningful back.  And, sometimes, if you are like me at all, we hang on thinking that what we feel and are willing to give is what they will eventually feel and be willing to give.  But, it doesn't.  And, in that moment of realization, it felt really easy to hate myself.  To think that I wasn't worth it when I had given my best.  To put the blame on me and keep on trying to fix it by being better and making the person happier.  And by using words.  But, honestly, for me, it didn't work.
And here I sit, contemplating how I could have been so dead wrong.  How I could have confused a sense of need on his part with loving me.  He knows how to occasionally say the right words.  But the scripted words don't bring relief anymore.  Because the reality is that I failed to please him.  He has used many different things over the years to show me how I'm unworthy.  And, I wonder even now if I could ever do life so that he would think that I was worthy.  I don't think so.  It seems to be a bottom line where no matter what, by showing how lucky I am or how committed he is...even to someone like me....that makes him feel lifted up.  So, receiving from him is not possible.
But.  BIG but.  But, I have learned that I can take encouragement and love from where I can.  From where it is genuine.  From those who see me clearly....not flattering me...but somehow think I'm valuable anyway.  And there are those.  But, you know, he would take that away if he could.  For him, it didn't hurt him that I don't have a family to run to if something went wrong...it made him feel more powerful over me.  Unfortunately for him, our kids got older and give and take with me..encouragement, love, believing, dreaming.  And I have great friends.  From past and present.  Many people who deem me a worthwhile human being.  While, my husband has striven to diminish and lower any sense of strength or faith or joy that I had, they have been around too.....not even knowing what has been happening, but still uplifting, loving and believing in me.  What a blessing.  In the midst of it all, I have to take it where I can get it.  Without regret.  This is how it is.
And, without jealousy when he tries to take away the encouragement and friendship for himself.  It hurts deeply.  But I have to learn to let people love both.  To be free to make their own choices.  Who he is to me...well, it doesn't mean that he is to them.  But what he is out there in the world is so fake that sometimes I want to scream outloud.  But, no need.  I need to accept what they offer me and not take away what they offer another.  And it is especially true with my kids.  They usually see.  But, I always want them to love their dad.  To feel like I want them to love their dad.
So, I'll take what I can get and not worry about the rest.  I'll simply enjoy.  As much as I can.  And remember....he already missed out because I'm not playing the game anymore.  I don't need to punish.
grace to you