Undetected

Nobody notices nor sees those things which they do not want to.  I have learned this well.  But, sometimes, I forget.  I think that the difficulties I am going through are visible.  Not so much.  Today was a birthday lunch day...for one of my sons.  My husband hid in his room in front of the tv until "company" came.  Then he came out to act helpful.  I'm just so over the game.  It was a nice day.  A good time for my son.  I know that.  And, hopefully for the guests.  It wears me out, but that's just how it is.  There is a price to helping people feel at home.  And, I do like hospitality. 
Too much difficulty around.  A woman came up to me at church as I was peeking in...I wanted to touch base with my "non" counselor...she wasn't there.  But, another woman walked up to me and told me how sorry she was that there was a scheduling conflict with us going up to the mountains with the mysterious group that my husband goes to on some rather random schedule....apparently everyone else knows who else is in the group and such...as for me, I don't even know what it is.  And, don't really worry about it.  She was nice, but as she was saying that there would be more things coming up, I said that it probably wasn't going to happen that I'd be doing that...she was shocked, I guess.  "Don't you like us?" kind of way.  I assured her that it has nothing to do with her.  I just couldn't come up with a kind placating way to say "oh, wouldn't that be nice....and not mean it."  I guess that I shouldn't be around there.  It does irritate me that he just lets it be on me.  He pushes me that the people in a sunday school class that I went to years ago miss me.....the pushing is less powerful now.  Today was really the first day that I've ever really looked someone in the eye, stood tall and said, "no, that would not be comfortable and probably won't be happening."  And while I didn't mean to shock or offend, I just have come to a point where holding it all in all of he time is hard.  It's really hard to live undetected because people make a load of assumptions......and expect me to meet them.  Not ready to do so anymore.  They can like me or not.  Talk about me or not.  It's not really my problem.  I know that where I am is where I am.  I can't zap out of it.  I can only walk through.
My husband wants normal....the kind of normal where he can live doing what he wants and I make things ok.  But, I'm supposed to feel guilty about what I want or need.  He is probably great for someone?  Maybe.  I don't know.  Guilt and shame are huge.  I hate that I have bought into them.  I want to change more and more.  To live a life of worship.  To seek peace of heart.  To allow joy permanent residence. 
I am undetected.  Nearly always.  Though I'm not trying to be.  I guess that's what they call hiding in plain sight. 
Today was ok.  Not great for me, but good for others....and that matters to me.  And it was better than some have been.  I am learning to say what I need to say.  I know that I can't really just put it out there for all of my friends.  I often wonder if they get how horribly wrong things have been.  Probably not.  Oh well.  I don't have to make them get it.  I can want to....and not do it. 
It is hard for me when he acts all funny and nice when people are around.  It's becoming more and more obvious.  I do wish him happiness.  In some way or form.  I hope he finds his way.  You know, for all of the times that we've "talked" and for all of the times that I've said what I need or want....he still doesn't care.  He still pretends that he can make me do what I did before.  It frustrates him that he can't in some ways, but he pretends for others.  Poor thing.  That is taking an awful lot of energy. 
Someone posted on her wall how her husband has encouraged her and watched her succeed...cheered her on and believed in her etc...and said to repost.  I laughed.  Out loud.  Right.  Not in business.  Not in homelife.  Not in anything.
Even today........"can I throw these beans away that have been in here for a week to make room...." he only asks such things if others are around.  He likes to humiliate.  I've been telling him to stop that for years.  Oh well.  I'm done spending time worrying.  There's a life story to be lived.  And that's going to take a lot of energy.  And commitment. 
grace to you.