Peace

I feel like I have been looking for peace for half of my life.  Oh, wait, I have.  But though I determined to live in it, thought I tried to be peaceable, it was like looking for a specific snowflake in an avalanche.  Impossible.  But, I have been trying to figure out what has been changed.  Why, finally, for the most part...except for a little minor breakdown this morning....I sense peace and joy.
It is not just the mind.  Though, the mind is a powerful tool.  I should know, I can convince myself to hang on through really hard things one step at a time.  I am good at that.  But, this is more.  This is deeper. 
I think that what has happened is that I've finally made up my mind.  I'm not shifting and behaving like the waves.  I know that I want to live and be a certain way.  I know that my husband made choices that have irreversibly harmed me.  I know that the future might be different.  But, I can live with knowing that for this time, it is ok to protect and treat myself with respect.  To give myself much needed t.l.c.  To not make everything ok.  To not feel a need to answer every question....nor to even have an answer.  To know that my lovely friends are lovely.  And there for me.  And I for them.  But that doesn't mean that it will be easy for them....and that I can't always make it easy for them.  I like to.  And...ditto for my kids.  All I can do is love well.  And be truthful. 
But, if he calls me "dear" in that meaningless way again, I might explode!  It's habit.  Meaningless.  Without benefit of ever making me feel dear.  It's more of a possessive.  He can't stand that he might lose.  That he might have already have lost.  So, he tries to make it as if he hasn't.  Oh well.  I can't make him understand, and I am not responsible for how he behaves.  He already made his choices.  Though he acts as if he is clueless. 
He came home during my quiet time at home...during church time today.  Put me in a dither for a bit.  But, though I couldn't really relax, I did at least manage to breathe and get over it.
Hard times do not keep me from having peace.  Being hard hearted toward myself does.  I always am harder on myself than on others.  I expect that I can make the world all better.  And, frankly, I have lots of good abilities.  But, it's not my job.  My job is to please the One who knows me best.  Therein is peace.  Therein is joy.  Resting. Being still. 
grace to you.