Beauty of the Broken Heart

Perhaps one reason that  I am seeing an artistic side is that there is an intrinsic beauty in a broken, yet caring, heart.  In a heart that know that she doesn't have everything together.  That she has a lot to learn.  A lot of risks to take.  But is willing to try anyway.  Who is willing to come to that precipice and not shrink back in fear....but instead finding a way across.  Whether it is to jump.  To fly.  To climb.  To build a bridge.  To just continue believing that there is a way across.
I spent most of my adult years trying to cross that precipice with my husband.  I don't mean with him as in side by side, but he WAS the precipice.  He has been the hard part.  The part that has demanded constant prayer, working, trying.  It's not that marriage shouldn't be that in some ways, but I think that there should be times when you can let your guard down.  I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Always wondering what I had done wrong now.
A few weeks ago he called and said that he was changing phones....company giving him a smart phone.  Paying for service.  My daughter was going to get his old service.  But, he simply CAN'T decide.  He is terrified to leave his old number.  Afraid she will get his calls.  And I wonder.....who is calling that it would be a problem?  So, he refuses to decide.  Doesn't want two phones because that is difficult to manage.  Wants to stay on our family plan, but doesn't want to pay to buy the smart phone.  So, no decision.  And, I got angry.  Before I thought I said that if he wasn't so stubborn it would already be done.  He wants it all.  Nothing is just right.  I backed off and didn't fight.  It's not worth it. 
But, she is worth it.  So, maybe I can get her a phone for Christmas anyway.  We'll see. 
The beauty of the broken heart is that the painful parts make cracks and the hurts make holes, but the Maker lovingly heals and creates beauty.  Using each crack as a part of something amazingly unique and wonderful.  I must learn to be angry yet not sin.  And to learn that sometimes anger is not a sin but simply a response to injustice.  I don't need to feel guilty every time I feel angry.  But, I do need to deal with it.  I do need to own it.  I do need to forgive myself too.  The beauty is that some of the best art has endured over the years becoming even more beautiful through the wearing and aging.  I am finding that.  I want to strive for that.  And, to go with the inner beauty, I want to remember to put beauty around me too.  It is healing.  It is a reminder.  Probably why I love those old frames and mirror that are aged and discolored and lined.  They remind me of myself.  And, like them, I have to learn that I am beautiful just as I am.
grace to you