I'll tell you what it means to me. It means a new idea...or a renewal of an idea that I used to have for myself. Where I was proud of who I was and how I did things. Even if I wasn't popular. I didn't beat myself up for my shortcomings. It was a good life. Even though I had a hard life. And I have fallen far from that time.
Today, when I was walking, I realized that I was only going to get two miles in....I had wanted to do three. Three on my "on" days and a mile or two by choice other days. So, I was thinking that I failed. If you could have been inside my head, you would have heard me knocking myself around pretty hard. Until....well, I stopped. And I remembered....until 6 weeks ago I wasn't walking at all. And up until this week I was doing at most 3 miles a WEEK!!! And, in three days this week, I have walked SEVEN miles. I know it's not a lot. And I know that I want to do more. But I am darn proud of my seven. Once I remembered how to celebrate the good in me. It was hard. Really hard.
And today, I talked to my friend who wants me to get counseling. I told about my sleepless nights....and how though I'm all for counselors and the great job they do, I don't think it would work for me because honestly, the whole idea that I have to pay someone to listen...well, it totally kills my self worth. I have struggled with this. For a long time. I know that they are good and reputable. I know that everyone, myself included, needs help. I just don't think that this is the way that I can get it.
Strangely, I always wanted to be friends with the woman I chose to be my counselor. And perhaps that makes it hurt even more. To have to pay someone for a call over 10 minutes. Or to have a few extra minutes. To have to pay 360 a month to....do what? Really? I know my crap. Inside out. I know my issues. I could diagram them and label them. But where I am is in learning how to have what I want from myself and with others. And that is my journey....with those who choose to walk with me because they love me. And nobody can tell me what to choose. Or how to think. Or whatever. That would be exchanging what I've had for something different. I have to learn to be strong. Not independent....not co-dependent.....interdependent. Living in relationship while being allowed to have my own identity. While being encouraged rather than put down. I even have a right to expect that.....I know, that's a novel idea for me too!!!
I'm not there yet. I'm still walking. But I am learning. There's not much outside encouragement because I do happen to be in a place where I can't exactly blast my feelings and what I'm doing....but, evenso, I am growing and learning and longing to know the woman God created me to be. As imperfect as she is. My friend has a quote..."live imperfectly, with great delight." And I want to. Deeply and wholeheartedly. But, counseling isn't for me. My friend says she understands and will let me off of the hook. I was willing to go to keep my word. Not because it seemed right for me. I wanted my friends to feel better....like they didn't have to feel responsible for making sure I was ok. I was trying to let them "pass the buck," so to speak.
But, I have learned the greatest lesson so far: I can trust myself. Even when I make mistakes. Because, in general, I am kind and generous and want to do the right thing. And when I blow it, I am allowed to forgive myself.
Sure is lots of talk about myself. This will pass as well. I get it out in this place so that I don't drive the rest of the world crazy with my self-centeredness.
There are people who love me. People who will stay. There are people whom I love. Who will leave. But, life will keep going on and it doesn't make me a bad person. I am not the person my husband has thought of me as. He is not better. And not worse. He is not more responsible. He is not less. But, what has happened is that he can't see me and allow me to be who I am. I don't know why. He hurts me. I was having pain again today. Pain that he caused. But today, I didn't get so angry.....I smiled and remembered that I have become strong enough to change things. But it still makes me sad. Sad that I have never been visible to him. Beyond what he wanted from me.
Now I will dream. Now I will live. Now I will remember that he does not hold my value in his hands. He didn't make me. He didn't help me. I am strong. I am loved. I am loving.
grace to you
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