I Survived

The homecoming.  I didn't freak out much while waiting.  I made arrangements for someone to pick up.  I stayed upto wait, though I have to say that I didn't really want to do that part, I just did it because it's the polite thing to do.  Our kids were all in bed.  I gave him his chick...it's still sleeping in a box in his room.  It's hard that in the letting go is where I find a modicum.....like that word....of peace.  That I have spent so long behaving as if it's alright and as if life is just perfect...and that behavior nearly cost me my very self.  I wanted to behave as the christian woman that is revered in the church.  I wanted to be what God wants of me.  But, it turns out that sometimes what the church asks and what is really true are slightly skewed.  Reading the Proverbs 31 woman, she is no pansy.  She is not asking permission.  She brings pride and joy from her family because she goes out and behaves with her God given talents.  Not the other way...denies her God given talents and acts how her family expects.  As far as being submissive, well, maybe I fail, but I've had lots of time to think about it.  And I don't think its like the dog that cowers and wets submissively every time someone enters the room.  I think it's more like the dog that walks confidently along the path seeking out new and different things but that hears when it's owner calls and knows that the call comes for it's own benefit.....safety, protection, food, care.  It seems like the submissive that comes to mind in the church is the kind that is for the husband's benefit....to build him up, not to protect and help and build up the wife.  But, when reading, I have begun to realize that Godly submission has to do with our own benefit.  That God calls me to submit to Him not to build Himself up....I mean, He doesn't need it....but to protect me, to uplift me, to call me to be cared for, to spend time with me, and strangely, to even make me more "powerful".  The kind of submission that calls for being powerless isn't Biblical.  All people have been called to walk in the image of Jesus....and He was definitely NOT powerless.  And the women prophets were wise and strong women.  I am learning. 
Problem is, you have to have someone to submit to.  Someone has to be heading in a direction.  Praying.  Having plans.  Dreams.  Hopes.  Not simply holding on, trying to stay in one place.  I haven't had that.  And, he wants me to make him feel more in control.  He often waits until I make decisions, then he acts as if we made it.....and if it goes badly, then he can blame me for the results.  I'm tired of that.  Worn out from it.  But, interestingly, this week, my life started falling into place.  Having time not running to work.  Having time to rest.  Having time to really work hard....not for a business, not for him, but because it's actually on my mind.....this has been healing. 
Sad to worry about how you'll survive when your spouse comes home.  I you'll be able to even function.  He smiles.  He acts like things are all normal, but scares me with how he can behave as if I am invisible.unseen.....as if what I feel is trivial. 
I survived pretty well.  Then, he kind of cornered me in a room when I really didn't expect it.  Grabbed me hard.  Said thanks for planning the trip. But it didn't feel like a simple hug.  It felt possessive.  It felt.........uncomfortable.  But, I shook it off and went to the couch to go to sleep.  And later I realized that he tells me all about him, all about what he has done, all about the school.  But, he never even asked about anyone here.  About our kids meet...which we didn't go to.  About school.  About our son's leadership campout.  About how anyone is growing or doing.  About our son's heart monitor.  Oh, we did talk about the chick.  Apparently it's probably small because I'm not giving it the "right" food for chicks...of course, we don't have any, but that's besides the point.  Oh, and it is small because it has a bad mother that doesn't teach it.....and killed two before they got out of the nest....so why weren't these chicks put away in the big trough we have to take care of them?  Because he doesn't take that responsibility.  It made me smile...it's a hen's fault.  She is a bad mother hen, but we are the owners.  He is the owner.  We can pick up the slack. 
Sad thing that I realized is that I've picked up some bad habits being married to him and I need to watch it.  I used to listen well.  Now, I'm so hungry to be heard...I don't do as well.  I am interested, I'm just starving to be heard and encouraged that I take too many turn really difficult to  keep my mindset right.  I am an encourager.  I have not been doing very well at that.  I need to change.  He might have behaviors.  He might treat me and our family in ways that are not correct, but I am responsible for my own behavior and decisions. 
I don't need anyone to tell me that I get to decide as it turns out.  Because the thing is that I have had to learn to not only tell myself that....but DO it.  And follow through. 
Life is not in an easy place.  But it is life.  I am breathing.  Growing.  Learning..  Dreaming.  I survived another hurdle.  With less drama and pain.  So, I know that strength is coming.  Coming back.  To a heart that nearly lost all strength.  Now, on to Sunday.
grace to you.