B.M.

My life before marriage (B.M.) was a very  different life.  I know.  It is for everyone.  But I was different.  My very core.  More confident.  Not ultra popular.  And frankly, I didn't care.  Not more outgoing.  I've always been a person who does best with a few great friends and some others on the fringes.  But I had great friends.  The true kind.  Before marriage.  And looking back, just in this last week, what I realized is that I began to be isolated from them as soon as he came along and was serious.  Not even after marriage.  I didn't think about it then.  But I should have.  I had dated others.  Not been shut off from my friends.  But something changed.  And I don't know how or why.  But he has always made it a problem to go and see my friends.  That his mom wants us back or it's too far.  Or we have other plans.  These particular friends live in the same state as his parents.  How strange that is.  And because of it, somehow, I became more and more isolated except for in the here and now.  I have great friends.  But they are "together" friends.  Well, some might not be soon.  I'm sure that the lines will be drawn.  That it will be hard.  And yet....I still can have friends that are mine alone.  Who like me for me.  Not just because I have great kids or that I'm married to him.  Or that it's convenient because we have families.
This is a weird place in life.  Remembering B.M.  Before Marriage.  Remembering who that woman was.  And remembering that she still is.  Squashed maybe, but not gone.  And I'm a little bit excited as I see her coming back.  I'm sure nobody else would notice.  But I notice it in little things.  Like being able to ask someone who suddenly needs to see me when normally all we have ever done is talk on facebook.  I asked her flat out if it's because I told her about my separation.  The answer will be interesting.  I like having friends. I like having people to care.  I WELCOME words from people who are a part of my life and heart.  Even if they differ from my own feelings.  Because I trust them.  I know that they will love me even if I don't share their opinion.  But, I am learning that some people want to use a relationship as a way to bully.  To ACT friendly to be able to have an impact....when the impact is impossible without the time spent in the first place.
I'm moving along.  Toward the A.D.  Life after divorce.  Ok, technically separation...but A.S.  wasn't as cool looking.  It won't be and isn't a piece of cake.  But it is where I am.  It is what I need.  It is a fact.  So.  Others will have to suck it up or move along.
blessings.