Some days, I'm just excited that I made it through. This day is one of those. It was a bit stressful. Yet, it was possible. I was aware that I need to have some boundaries...at least for awhile. It felt...awkward. To put it mildly. But, on the other hand, for the kids, I was glad that all were there.
I am looking forward to getting into a routine. To settling in. I need to figure out how to get enough work done. For pay, I mean. And still to give myself the time to heal. Time to reflect and figure out what it was that caused me to allow myself to continually be sucked into the unhealthy rut. I know that I hated it. And I do know that I tried to identify and eradicate it. And that I tried behaving different ways to keep from sliding back into the rut. But it just seems like there was no way out. Like being in one of those mirror mazes. Each place you go looks the same.
I am relieved that this week things will change. I am glad for that. Though there is a bit of guilt to go along with the glad. Self inflicted. Because I wish that I didn't feel that relief. That feeling that perhaps I'll get to take a few breaths.
I do feel sad for him. Though I have to be very careful. He knows how to make me react in empathy. He knows that I empathize easily. To his advantage. But though I get it...this time, I have to make a different choice. He needs to go and make a life. Relationships with his children. He needs to not have me to blame about things that are wrong in his life. Not just for my sake...for his as well.
I made it through today. Many more days to come. One moment at a time.
Tomorrow we finally go to our court meeting. I'm less nervous than I thought I'd be....and yet, still rather scared. It feels....lonely. Scary. Unknown. Confusing. So many times I wish that he would have just given me the separation that I asked for without legal crap. But...I guess it was necessary. At least it will all be written down.
Spring break is over. It's time to talk to my kids. After their brother leaves. He invited our college son out to breakfast tomorrow. Hope he just leaves it be. Doesn't lay the moving out on him as our son is going back to finals and final projects. But I can't tell him what to do. So I will pray and hope.
Hope I sleep tonight. I've been kinda worn out.
So....we'll see. good night.
grace.
I am looking forward to getting into a routine. To settling in. I need to figure out how to get enough work done. For pay, I mean. And still to give myself the time to heal. Time to reflect and figure out what it was that caused me to allow myself to continually be sucked into the unhealthy rut. I know that I hated it. And I do know that I tried to identify and eradicate it. And that I tried behaving different ways to keep from sliding back into the rut. But it just seems like there was no way out. Like being in one of those mirror mazes. Each place you go looks the same.
I am relieved that this week things will change. I am glad for that. Though there is a bit of guilt to go along with the glad. Self inflicted. Because I wish that I didn't feel that relief. That feeling that perhaps I'll get to take a few breaths.
I do feel sad for him. Though I have to be very careful. He knows how to make me react in empathy. He knows that I empathize easily. To his advantage. But though I get it...this time, I have to make a different choice. He needs to go and make a life. Relationships with his children. He needs to not have me to blame about things that are wrong in his life. Not just for my sake...for his as well.
I made it through today. Many more days to come. One moment at a time.
Tomorrow we finally go to our court meeting. I'm less nervous than I thought I'd be....and yet, still rather scared. It feels....lonely. Scary. Unknown. Confusing. So many times I wish that he would have just given me the separation that I asked for without legal crap. But...I guess it was necessary. At least it will all be written down.
Spring break is over. It's time to talk to my kids. After their brother leaves. He invited our college son out to breakfast tomorrow. Hope he just leaves it be. Doesn't lay the moving out on him as our son is going back to finals and final projects. But I can't tell him what to do. So I will pray and hope.
Hope I sleep tonight. I've been kinda worn out.
So....we'll see. good night.
grace.
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