I have had money matters held over my head and used against me for so long that it's hard for me to know how I will cope now. I have lived in response...not proactively. And so, with a bit of hesitation, tonight, I began going through the bills. Guess what? It didn't scare me. I was thanking God for what there is. For how He has provided. I felt....empowered. I felt like it wasn't scary. He used to use it to try to frighten me. He told me things like, "next year we won't have a house..." and implied that was because of me. Said we wouldn't be able to pay the house taxes if it was up to me. Has said many things. And I have worried in my soul. That deep place. Not about money. But about being accosted about money matters. It would be at night. When I had trouble sleeping anyway. He has never said tome..."it's all fine and I've got it under control." Even when that's true. There was never a "relax" message. Frugal was never frugal enough.
And now........it's going to be tighter. And with much more thankfulness. This is a huge burden LIFTED...not put upon me. As weird as that is. I am a proactive person. I will work on getting rid of what we don't need...like a house phone for FORTY dollars a month??? Nutso crazy. No way. I already cut the cable bill down. And the car insurance. Now I'm working on bundling the house and car insurances to bring them both down further. And....our house loan is at 5.6. I'm going to look into whether it's worth refinancing. Probably not.
Scared? No. Sober and eyes open? Yes. But strangely calm. And certain. That He who has begun a good thing will complete it.
I have about a million things to do. And I will. One at a time. Without worry. With great joy. Peacefully learning how to make decisions again. A little troubled that it is so hard for me to get after things. But, I understand. I have lived through much. I have to heal. It takes time to get there.
The nuts and bolts are ok. I have never minded them. I look forward to seeing what God does. And how. And bragging about Him to my kids. Hasn't been enough of that in their lives. Always money was faced with dread and worry. Crazy. Money is just a thing. We are cared for. Fed. Sheltered. Comforted. Beloved. We are without need. Children of the High King. This is what I long for my children to see first hand.
May I do so honorably.
blessings.
And now........it's going to be tighter. And with much more thankfulness. This is a huge burden LIFTED...not put upon me. As weird as that is. I am a proactive person. I will work on getting rid of what we don't need...like a house phone for FORTY dollars a month??? Nutso crazy. No way. I already cut the cable bill down. And the car insurance. Now I'm working on bundling the house and car insurances to bring them both down further. And....our house loan is at 5.6. I'm going to look into whether it's worth refinancing. Probably not.
Scared? No. Sober and eyes open? Yes. But strangely calm. And certain. That He who has begun a good thing will complete it.
I have about a million things to do. And I will. One at a time. Without worry. With great joy. Peacefully learning how to make decisions again. A little troubled that it is so hard for me to get after things. But, I understand. I have lived through much. I have to heal. It takes time to get there.
The nuts and bolts are ok. I have never minded them. I look forward to seeing what God does. And how. And bragging about Him to my kids. Hasn't been enough of that in their lives. Always money was faced with dread and worry. Crazy. Money is just a thing. We are cared for. Fed. Sheltered. Comforted. Beloved. We are without need. Children of the High King. This is what I long for my children to see first hand.
May I do so honorably.
blessings.
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