God Provides

For every need I have, God provides.  Emotional, spiritual, intellectual, physical, medical, monetary.  Everything.  In His hands.  And He's not stingy.  I have had to remember that about Him.  He doesn't hold back nor even make me beg.  He's like I am with my kids...more than willing...looking for what can be done and what needs to be done.  And like that...sometimes saying no.  But not because I am not beloved but because He has a better plan.
He provided for me today.  And for my kids.  Not being in church on Easter was harder than I can hardly talk about.  And it feels unfair.  And yet...we did a new thing.  And we survived.  And we will keep surviving.  Each day.   One at a time.
And today was full of love of friends.  That was a pleasure.  Painful when they would talk about church in that I loved sharing that part of our lives.  And I really did want to hear the songs...but it's hard to get people to sing for you.  But the good was more intense than the pain. And the joy outweighed the loss.  It was good.  Genuinely.  Tonight I was glad for the ex too...because I have this deep sense that we are better separate.  That he will be outgoing and have friends.  That the kids wilI  see strength and caring.
And as one kid agreed today...it wasn't shitty. ;)  Playing nice matters.  Even when it's hard and painful.  And even when he doesn't, I can choose what I do and what I think.  And I don't have to stuff it.  I can simply know that he really doesn't get it.  He really is doing what he can.  And as my teacher said...even sociopaths and psychopaths are using what they have to work with.  And the others around have to learn how to keep themselves safe and recognize when someone is not functioning in healthy ways.  Said a lot to me.  Reminded me that I am responsible for how I choose to live.  In what circumstances.  In what manner.
And I am NOT responsible to make everyone else happy or to make them understand.  They can or they can not.  Whichever.  I can't make those things happen.  I can only try to live in truth.  In love.  On the path that was set for me.
Because that is what else God provides.  A way.  A path.  A direction.  A plan.  Hope.  Desire.  Passion.  Drive to pursue.  And I am remembering that again.
But I am noticing a deep tired.  Like my body is starting to relax.  Not a bad kind of depressed tired.  It's different.  It's kind of like when you shut down a computer and restart it to run a new software.  It's like I'm being shut down to get restarted to live anew.
Can't say it's not hard.  It is.  And I know that this is a honeymoon time in some ways.  That it is simply such a huge relief.  But I'll take it.  Today has enough trouble....I'll leave the tomorrows to God.
love and blessings.  remember that He loves you not only enough to die for you...but to live in you.  to walk with you every moment and everywhere.  be strong and of good courage...He has overcome the world.