Words

God is good.  He understands even my groanings.  He hears my heart.  He speaks.  He gets it.  I wonder if  anyone else really will.  I always hear how normal and good it looked.  And I remember how I always wondered how people couldn't see it in my eyes.  But, I am good at making good out of what is.  At being content with where I am.  That's what makes all of this hard for me.  I don't believe that it's always good to keep changing situations so that I can be happier.  I just finally came to the conclusion that the life I was living is based on a type of abuse.  On bullying.  Very subtly often.  More overtly other times.  For all that I am going to have to face and deal with, I know that it was bad for me to be willing to give up what was and face all of the unknowns on my own.  I'm not terrified...generally.  Sober.  Realistic.  It's going to be really hard.  Yet...it's easier to live when I can function.  And I have been shut down for quite awhile.

What do I have on my mind?  That I hope that I don't harm too much in trying to get healthy and survive.  That I wish that I could get how to share without overwhelming.  That I am not sure how to help anyone to get it...without being unkind.  And I wnat to live kindly.  It's a hard line.  I cross it all of the time with my closer friends.  It makes me feel guilty.  Hurts my heart.  

I want to let God teach me these things.  And I wish that I already knew them. I want to be stronger.  But I know that it's going to take time.  I am just beginning to find my balance.  It's going to be a process.  

And I am sad.  Just some things that I can't tell anyone.  That I'm not going to have in my life.  That I wish I had, but I never will.  It's ok, they weren't there in marriage either....but I did keep hoping.  In some ways, it's easier this way, because I won't hope that he will fill that void.  

Have you ever wondered if there's anyone in the world that is absolutely delighted that you are here?  I do now.  My grandpa did.  I miss that.  That feeling.  That knowing.  

There are people that I am delighted exist.  I should do better to make sure that they know.  Because it matters.  Our lives are only as good as how we relate...both to God, and to one another.  

gotta go get my girl.

blessings.