a way through

i have been blessed with new vision. i had been surrounded for so long by hopelessness that i had forgotten that there's always a way through.  and i thought that the way through always had to be the "right" way...the way that was expected.

drowning, i was.  seeing no way out.  focused on the flood raging around me.  swept away.  unable to stay firm.

but in the midst, i suddenly found hope.

see those pretty heart rocks in the middle of the railroad tracks?  the railway was demolished.  underwater, unusable.  but there they were.  beckoning me.  showing me a bright spot.  it changed my mindset.  made me...smile.  

my new vision helped me see the way through.  to find safe ground.  to go through even though i was scared.  and i learned that those heart rocks....those pieces of hope.....those things of beauty....are everywhere.  they help me to look up.  to have faith.  they are reminders to me of the upcoming way through.  

my way through misery, unkindness, manipulation, and unfaithfulness did not come easily.  it did not come as i wanted it.  it wasn't simplistic.  but when i stopped looking at everyone else.  stopped worrying about what everyone thought.  when i finally found that i could stand up for me.  when i saw a bit of hope.....i found my way through.  

and, now?  now, i mostly don't think about how hard my marriage was.  sometimes it hits me again.  mostly when i am driven to revisit it because others try to bully me into sharing the details.  but, mostly, i am simply thankful for the way through.  for the fact that the journey didn't end in my drowning but in my being taken through.  my marriage ended.  my relationship with my ex ended.  but my life did not.  my being loved by god did not.  my being a valuable person did not.  i am more thankful, happy, kind hearted, compassionate, willing, malleable and genuine than i ever could have been before.  my way through was ugly.  it was painful.  but it has led to god showing me how much he loves me.  it has taught me that he isn't about looking for reasons to hate me.  he isn't about punishing me for having lived through something horrific and not being able to go any further.  he has shown me that it's about this journey.  about him providing a way through.  his way.

them's fighting words.  because in christendom it is evil and wrong to say that god can use divorce.  every blog.  every website.  every church leader.  it's all about how if god is involved he will heal it in this specific way.  he will hold it all together.  if you pray hard enough.  believe deeply enough. have faith.  are faithful.  compliment the other.  encourage.  lift up.  spend time.  listen.  nurture.  but truthfully....that wasn't true in my case.  and the church hurt me.  deeply.  because they kept telling me that the only way through was a door that just wouldn't open.  i felt like a failure...like i was broken and lacking in my womanhood because i couldn't find that way through.  that i must not be heard when i pray.  that i must not be trying hard enough to change.  that i must be such a great disappointment and if i would only find the magic mix of submission and being smart, intelligent and challenging then i would have a good and healthy marriage.  and i listened.  and i listened. and i listened  and i tried.  and tried. and tried.  and i smiled.  and i worked.  and i gave up being selfish.  and i prayed.  and i hoped.  and i searched my own heart.  and i prayed that i would change.  but in the end it turns out that god used a different way through for me.  

and i remember that god can use ALL things for good to them who love him and are called according to his purpose.  all.  not just things that are the way through that others tell us are right.  

he put my feet on a path and helped me walk it.  he brought joy and companionship even when i have felt all alone and like a am wearing a scarlet letter.  he gave me a way through that is bringing wholeness and health to me.  a way through that has brought smiles and peace and healing to my household.  he has done this with a way through that i fought.  that i was opposed to.  that i hated the idea of.  that terrified me.  though i know he hates divorce.  he hates broken relationships.  hates them.  because he is all about relationship.  but the thing is....he knew that mine was already broken and that it was the pretense of keeping it together that was going to destroy me.  he knew that the real divorce had already taken place.  and he needed to take me to a place of living in a spirit of truth.

so, in the middle of the flood.  when the roads were still soaking wet from the thousand year flood.  there was dancing in the street.  for there was good that came.  and so it is with my way through.  though there's still residual problems and pains....there is dancing and delight...and thankfulness and hope....and joy and peace....for god showed me a way through.  

blessings.

it didn't look like much...not too promising...but you should see the other side!