i have pretty much worked through a mountain of near hate and hateful feelings towards my ex. i have found a calm place. a place where i can see how god loves him just as he is and enough to want to move him on...just like he loves me. but there are these things that occur. they are things that i abhor. when he does them to me, i am wounded. when he does them to our kids, i am...shocked, stunned, angry and....mama bear plain old ferocious. but there's nobody to tell. he doesn't listen or get it. it's like talking to myself. and everyone i can tell...well, i keep forgetting that he is their friend too. it's a bit infuriating.
i mean, i even managed to not freak this morning at church when he was in the middle of the family and my friends today at church when i walked in to pick up the kids. i took a breath, walked into the sanctuary, walked to someone that i needed to talk to and did so. i didn't fuss inside. i have decided that there's no use in it. i have managed to get over the fact that he uses his charm and ability to just stay around until people give in or feel sorry for him in order to be near everyone i know. i notice it. they do not. they don't get what he does. they don't know why he does it. same reason he still wears his ring...sympathy and control. he tries to control me still by holding me "hostage" with the fact that he has wooed our common friends. he knows that i am about relationship. he has never given a hoot. however, now that it means power or winning or having them instead of me having them...he nurtures them. he is front and center. but, i've had nearly two years to cope. to cry. to weep and bawl and scream and wonder why. and i'm good. i will go on with my life. if people choose not to hold him accountable, that is up to them. if he chooses to live a lie, that is up to him. he is the one that is missing out on the growth and amazing things that happen when you let the truth out. when you look it full in the face.
but tonight...i found out that he has treated our son in this same manner. he has befriended my son's best friend's family. has been going to dinner over there..poor divorced and alone guy, you know. and then i learned that he hasn't told them that he is estranged from his son. and that last week he went there on a night that my son had plans with his friend. my son found out that his dad was there quite by accident. he pretty much freaked out. his dad manipulated. his dad didn't grow a pair and tell the family how things are between him and our son. his dad didn't tell them that he should first be sure that it was comfortable for his son. his dad....stole his friend's family and caused a rift between my son and his best friend since elementary school i was floored. flabbergasted. shocked. but then i realized that i shouldn't have been. it's simply how he operates. a victim. looking pathetic. needy. ever so sweet and nice. wearing his wedding ring. talking so kindly. while pulling the rug out from under his son. he had to have done it intentionally. he wasn't friends with these people in this way. he has no reason to be in their lives without our son. it's not church nor work nor athletics. he just finds every person that might have connection to me...and apparently to our kids as well...and makes himself present.
then, while i was vulnerable, i called a friend. i was so....amazingly, astoundingly shaken.....i needed to vent before i got home from taking my son to the airport. it's a mistake. my friend is a dear. a good and kind person. she is quite amazing. but she is also his friend. and when i vent...it's awkward. i mean, she was just sitting with him at church this morning. and though she was there, i know that it's not something that i should do. and i am left knowing that though this man has done and continues to do harm, he uses the same charm that got me to marry him to pull people into his circle of influence. and i know that i have to move on. and i also know that it's easier to say that than to do it.
it means just simply not having that place where somebody is there to hear the cruddy, excruciating, real and deep pain. but you know what? i'm getting better about that. but i've been friends a long time. it's hard to censor. the good news is that i've been focusing on creating happy.....on seeing good...on choosing something better. so, eventually it'll all be fine. i just have to make it through these times when i feel so overwhelmed by how he harms his kids if they aren't behaving as his trophies. me? he'll hurt me. he'll let others talk about me. he'll take every moment that he possibly can if he thinks that it will show me up. or put me in my place. because that is how he is. that is how he did marriage. and that is what he chooses. and i know that. so i just have to know it and choose how i'll be. but the kids? ouch. and....ggggggrrrrrrrrrrowwwwllllll.
funny, i've changed. makes me smile. i am so appalled. but i don't feel hateful. just so wounded. and angry for my kid. how dare he take away a safe place for his kid? wow. low. very very very low. takes a small person to need to elevate himself by tearing down his son. again...wow. i wish that he would stop. because i wish that he and my son could find some common ground. our son had been getting there....but now he says he's on the verge of hating his dad. sigh.
oh, btw....i didn't call my ex any nasty names. not even in my head. progress, right? it's the little things that i must celebrate!
have a great week.
blessings.
i mean, i even managed to not freak this morning at church when he was in the middle of the family and my friends today at church when i walked in to pick up the kids. i took a breath, walked into the sanctuary, walked to someone that i needed to talk to and did so. i didn't fuss inside. i have decided that there's no use in it. i have managed to get over the fact that he uses his charm and ability to just stay around until people give in or feel sorry for him in order to be near everyone i know. i notice it. they do not. they don't get what he does. they don't know why he does it. same reason he still wears his ring...sympathy and control. he tries to control me still by holding me "hostage" with the fact that he has wooed our common friends. he knows that i am about relationship. he has never given a hoot. however, now that it means power or winning or having them instead of me having them...he nurtures them. he is front and center. but, i've had nearly two years to cope. to cry. to weep and bawl and scream and wonder why. and i'm good. i will go on with my life. if people choose not to hold him accountable, that is up to them. if he chooses to live a lie, that is up to him. he is the one that is missing out on the growth and amazing things that happen when you let the truth out. when you look it full in the face.
but tonight...i found out that he has treated our son in this same manner. he has befriended my son's best friend's family. has been going to dinner over there..poor divorced and alone guy, you know. and then i learned that he hasn't told them that he is estranged from his son. and that last week he went there on a night that my son had plans with his friend. my son found out that his dad was there quite by accident. he pretty much freaked out. his dad manipulated. his dad didn't grow a pair and tell the family how things are between him and our son. his dad didn't tell them that he should first be sure that it was comfortable for his son. his dad....stole his friend's family and caused a rift between my son and his best friend since elementary school i was floored. flabbergasted. shocked. but then i realized that i shouldn't have been. it's simply how he operates. a victim. looking pathetic. needy. ever so sweet and nice. wearing his wedding ring. talking so kindly. while pulling the rug out from under his son. he had to have done it intentionally. he wasn't friends with these people in this way. he has no reason to be in their lives without our son. it's not church nor work nor athletics. he just finds every person that might have connection to me...and apparently to our kids as well...and makes himself present.
then, while i was vulnerable, i called a friend. i was so....amazingly, astoundingly shaken.....i needed to vent before i got home from taking my son to the airport. it's a mistake. my friend is a dear. a good and kind person. she is quite amazing. but she is also his friend. and when i vent...it's awkward. i mean, she was just sitting with him at church this morning. and though she was there, i know that it's not something that i should do. and i am left knowing that though this man has done and continues to do harm, he uses the same charm that got me to marry him to pull people into his circle of influence. and i know that i have to move on. and i also know that it's easier to say that than to do it.
it means just simply not having that place where somebody is there to hear the cruddy, excruciating, real and deep pain. but you know what? i'm getting better about that. but i've been friends a long time. it's hard to censor. the good news is that i've been focusing on creating happy.....on seeing good...on choosing something better. so, eventually it'll all be fine. i just have to make it through these times when i feel so overwhelmed by how he harms his kids if they aren't behaving as his trophies. me? he'll hurt me. he'll let others talk about me. he'll take every moment that he possibly can if he thinks that it will show me up. or put me in my place. because that is how he is. that is how he did marriage. and that is what he chooses. and i know that. so i just have to know it and choose how i'll be. but the kids? ouch. and....ggggggrrrrrrrrrrowwwwllllll.
funny, i've changed. makes me smile. i am so appalled. but i don't feel hateful. just so wounded. and angry for my kid. how dare he take away a safe place for his kid? wow. low. very very very low. takes a small person to need to elevate himself by tearing down his son. again...wow. i wish that he would stop. because i wish that he and my son could find some common ground. our son had been getting there....but now he says he's on the verge of hating his dad. sigh.
oh, btw....i didn't call my ex any nasty names. not even in my head. progress, right? it's the little things that i must celebrate!
have a great week.
blessings.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Go ahead. Make my day. Leave me a comment.