awake

i'm awake.
not just for today.
but as a lifestyle.
not living in the fog of abuse.
of unkindness.
and that is a splendid accomplishment.
sometimes i forget the courage that it took to get here
and focus on the shame of having failed
failed standards
failed beliefs
failed those i care about
failed.
but what am i doing with the failure is what really matters.
where do i head?
what do i choose?
how do i live?
i've made blunders and failures since the big failure as well.
but somehow, they are ceasing to control me.
slowly.
it's as if i am relearning what it means to really live.  to really be a part of my own life.
to tune in.
to inhale the goodness.
to accept the fact
that life didn't turn out as i dreamed
or hoped
or planned
or prayed for.
that i indeed failed in all of those ways
but that the failure is not wasted
if i grow
and change
and learn
and teach
and go forward step by step
to the woman that god created me to be
towards the daily purposes that he has for me
the delicious and fragrant plans that he has for me
beyond what i can imagine
i am awake
yet dreaming
dreaming who i will be
today
this day
what i may do
today
this day
this gift
this moment
and this
and this
and i work hard to change
to become
to pray to be who he wants me to be
to find the rough edges
because god (literally god) knows
there are loads of them
but he doesn't like me less
care for me less
love me less
as a matter of fact
he adores me as i become more and more
his
completely aware of how frail i am
how weak
how unable to be
or do
or accomplish
anything on my own
but everything with him
and i don't have to pretend
or act "christian"
i AM christian
and christian doesn't mean
having it all together
having a set answer
knowing all of the answers
getting it right
it means
being honest with myself about myself
and exactly what it took for god
to redeem me
and not to minimize it
be pretending that i really
had it all together
and he could just be an after thought
he is so much more
he is life
and breath
and hope
and love
and dreams
and vision
and strength
and power
and comfort
and life
he IS life
and he is pleased with me
each minute that i say yes
each moment that i risk being different
to be how he made me
to exhibit the characteristics that he wants
to display in my life
not someone else's life
he has them for that
but he has things that he wants to show through me
in my life
as it is
genuine
real
and i have to be vulnerable to do that
and i have to be sensitive
and open to pain
because it makes me open
to joy
as well
to peace
to kindness
to being known.
and frankly,
life has been pretty hard lately.
i feel so alone on the earth.
like i can't even get a hug without it being awkward
it feels like i've been pushed aside
too difficult
like nobody wants to bother
standing up for someone
like me
what does like me mean?
i wonder
almost daily
i wonder
why would they choose to not take my side
to not choose me fully over
someone who was so terribly unkind
so fake
so mean
so jealous
why?
because it's easier
because sitting on the fence is more comfortable to them
because they can feel
fair.
i do get it.
but i still am hurt.
i do get it.
but it doesn't keep me from missing
those of my past
my foundation friends
the constants.
because really
they don't call
stop by
hang out
come for coffee
sit around and chat
ask deep questions
they have
withdrawn from me
and beyond the big failure
i have had to learn to deal with this
sense of failure as well.
failing to be a
good enough
friend
that i would matter
enough
when times
got stinking hard
but instead of belittling myself
i have set about being who
i am created to be
and to forgiving myself
and to being kind to myself
because though it may be
my fault
it doesn't make it hurt less.
life has been hard.
but i am
awake.
a full participant
taking full responsibility
for my life
for my walk
for my journey
for my decisions
for my faith
for my joy
for my hope
for my going on
even if
each day
i have to face anew
that failure
of having not
been enough
to matter now
when i need it most.
instead
i will learn how to be
a true and good friend
and maybe in the future
when i have failed again
and i surely will
i will find that
i didn't
fail
in having friends
that will embrace me
no matter what.
i am awake.
i see.
i know.
i dream.
i hope.
while awake.
and it makes my sleep good.
and my dreams pleasant.
it makes me productive.
though i am wistful
for what i wish i would have
made
i accept where i am
how i am
who i am
and keep my eyes open
to see where i
need to go
i will remain
awake.
present.
blessings.  to you.