I choose happy

"I choose happy, dammit!"  Those words came out of my mouth today.  Make me laugh still.  They were in response to a friend declaring me too cheery.  And I rejoice.  Because my days have not been easy, but I am creating....JOY.   I am wallowing in happy instead of in crap.  I am choosing peace.  Of heart. Of mind.  Even if it's not in the circumstances.
Create.  My first creation was in heart. And next, in mind.  Those two are the most important building blocks. From them, I can build a life that creates the things that matter most to me.
I want to exude exuberance.  I want to full out love living.  I want to kick the doldrums in the ass.  I want to learn what it is to leap. In faith.  To see the opportunity.  The chance.  The moment.  The hope.  The dream.  And....LEAP.

I want want to create trust.  In God..duh, obviously.  But, also, in myself.  That I'm worth believing in and that I'm not a failure if I don't do something well or right or perfectly or the same as others do it. I want to trust that jumping....leaping...will grow me.  And that all is not lost when I...gulp...fail.
I want to sweat happy.  I want to dance.  And tonight, I was thinking that dancing is coming.  I am relaxing.  I am getting to the point that I don't care if anyone thinks I'm awesome at dancing...I just want to DANCE.  I realized this when I was looking at photos of me and seeing that I'm pretty pudgy and not giving one whit.   Instead, I started looking at how happy my eyes look...at my smile...and remembering the happy moments. Happy.  For real.  Not for fake.  Joyful.  Bubbling.  Letting go of worry.  Choosing change.  Choosing attitude.  Creating a life.  I love my life.

I am happy.  Truly.  Not because things changed.  Not because others changed.  Because I changed.  Because I have chosen.  And I choose happy.

Creating the ability to be present in the moment.  To breathe.  To enjoy.  To play.  It has taken nearly two years from deciding that I needed to separate to getting to this day of knowing genuine, down to my toes joy.

Lots of laughter these days.  Lots of tears too.  Genuine emotions..genuinely present.  Being real.  It takes a lot of energy.  A lot of commitment.  It's not easy at all.  And it's not just something that can be faked.  It requires genuine turning of the heart. Of seeing how good God is...how blessed life is...just to be able to BREATHE. It's so good.

I CHOOSE happy.  I can't choose how others behave.  I can't choose who likes me.  I can't choose whether hurtful things happen.  But I can choose what to focus upon.  I can choose to extract the joy that brings the happy.  Sometimes it's only a wee little bit in a situation, but I can squeeze it out and enjoy it.  

And maybe soon....I'll dance.  You know, not just when I'm alone in the house.

blessings.