here i am. i'm all ready to watch my week's worth of shows. i've had a very busy, emotional, full of drama week. and i'm a bit raw. but also, i'm ok. so, all in all, life is good.
i came home tonight. hung out with my kids a bit. curled up to watch my shows. and i thought about how i've come a long way. but how coming that long way has meant that i've had to learn about being invited...or not being invited. as i drove home i realized that i have had to grow accustomed to being alone. i have had to learn not to intrude. not to demand help or time or attention or affection or even friendliness. i have had to learn that sometimes i'm just not invited into people's lives. and i can be ok with that. not meaning that it never stings, but that i survive.
i've quit doing the asking.
i've stopped making myself a nuisance.
and though it means being here. well. though it means alone. though it means knowing that people i know do things and go places and have coffee and hang out and whatever. though nobody ever says, hey you might like to come over because maybe life is hard. and though it means that i'm not socially "out there". i'm still ok.
at least i'm not feeling like i always have to do the asking.
like when i ask and it's as if it's......an inconvenience to come. to be with me.
seriously. i like this better than that feeling.
i'll just enjoy this. as it is. though i am a bit of an outsider these days. it's by choice to some degree. i'm not willing to keep pushing my way in. either people want me in their lives or they don't. period.and my working hard to try to be "on the inside" doesn't make it true. so, better to enjoy the time to sit in my jammies, watch my shows, putter around my house..even clean some more. :) better just to live real. i've put a lot of energy into including people, but i've realized that things have changed....and i need to accept them.
now, on to my shows........
blessings.
i came home tonight. hung out with my kids a bit. curled up to watch my shows. and i thought about how i've come a long way. but how coming that long way has meant that i've had to learn about being invited...or not being invited. as i drove home i realized that i have had to grow accustomed to being alone. i have had to learn not to intrude. not to demand help or time or attention or affection or even friendliness. i have had to learn that sometimes i'm just not invited into people's lives. and i can be ok with that. not meaning that it never stings, but that i survive.
i've quit doing the asking.
i've stopped making myself a nuisance.
and though it means being here. well. though it means alone. though it means knowing that people i know do things and go places and have coffee and hang out and whatever. though nobody ever says, hey you might like to come over because maybe life is hard. and though it means that i'm not socially "out there". i'm still ok.
at least i'm not feeling like i always have to do the asking.
like when i ask and it's as if it's......an inconvenience to come. to be with me.
seriously. i like this better than that feeling.
i'll just enjoy this. as it is. though i am a bit of an outsider these days. it's by choice to some degree. i'm not willing to keep pushing my way in. either people want me in their lives or they don't. period.and my working hard to try to be "on the inside" doesn't make it true. so, better to enjoy the time to sit in my jammies, watch my shows, putter around my house..even clean some more. :) better just to live real. i've put a lot of energy into including people, but i've realized that things have changed....and i need to accept them.
now, on to my shows........
blessings.
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