failure

hey you.
yes.  you.
i see you.
no, not just that smile you wear.
no, not just the way that you are so kind and gentle with others.
no, not how you believe so heartily in the lord.
i see you.
i see the fear that you have failed.
the fear that maybe you are a failure.
i see you struggling with who you are and who you want to be.
i see you.
i don't feel sorry for you.
i don't feel better than you.
i don't feel hopeless for you.
i don't feel.......like that about you.
like you have not succeeded.
like you have not lived up to some expectation.
i see you.
but what i see is wonderful.
i see someone who has grown continually.
in grace.
in kindness.
in boundaries.
in courage.
in skills.
in talent.
i see someone who pushes herself but doesn't really set goals.
and because she doesn't set goals, she can never really see how far she's come.
but i see someone who stands for herself.
and for others.
someone who succeeds at her talents...and constantly improves.
i see someone who took on a life of caring for others and managed it with a peaceful heart.
but when i look at you.
when i really look.
i see that bit of crushed spirit.
that part that feels like you didn't succeed.
like you failed.
and i want to say.
i want you to know that i see you.
i want you to know that you are valued.
i want you to know that you are loved.
i want to say how it causes my heart to ache to see your eyes.
to hear your voice.
the hesitation.
and i suddenly feel like the failure.
because i have been self centered.
i have been overwhelmed by this last two years.
and i want to say that i'll do better.
that i'll learn to be a better friend.
but i struggle with the words.
i know that you require no promises.
that you don't hate me for my being a mess.
and so...
instead...
i forgive myself.
and i pray for the opportunity to create better times.
and i feel humble.
but not humiliated.
i admire you.
you are my hero.
you walk a difficult path.
you do so with style.
with beauty always in sight.
you inspire.
you uplift.
but you are often overlooked.
and i am sorry.
and i want you to know that i see you.
and i see that you don't feel uplifted and encouraged and empowered.
i know that you are seeking something.
and i just want you to know that i see you.
you are not invisible.
i see how wonderful you are.
my only trouble is how to impart to you who i see.
i'm sorry that i have not done my part.
you are strong.
but you don't always need to be....for everyone.
but thank you.
for hearing.
and seeing.
and loving.
and laughing.
and being there.
this is a new year.
and though i can't make all of my own crap go away,
i want you to know that i intend to live differently.
i intend to leave the past in the past.
i intend to create better relationships.
i intend to just be more.....joy full.
i'm hoping it will spill over.
on you.
on others.
blessings on you.
you are beloved.
grace walker.