remembering

sometimes..not very often...but in moments of reflection and vulnerability, i remember my young hopes and dreams.  i remember the family that i dreamed of.  the wife that i wanted to be.  the relationship i wanted to build with my husband.  i remember how i dreamed of serving together, ministering together, playing together, laughing, praying and enjoying life.  not problem free, but safe, comfortable and resilient. i believed.  truly believed.  that it would be a blessed thing.  a team.  working together. walking together.  memorizing verses.  sharing meaning.  i really believed it.  really.  not some fantasy about how stuff would be perfect.  i believed that by working through things we could be a witness.  a testimony.  hope.
but.
though i had prayed about who i would marry.
though i prayed for years to be the woman that would actually make it..do it...
though i gave it all.
i wasn't enough to him.
wasn't even close.
he said words.
but he used me.
and sometimes, when i look back from here, it's very sad.  i had good motives.  i wanted to have a family where the kids felt special.  cherished.  i wanted to establish a heritage.
and i failed.
but god did not fail.
and though it's not what i hoped nor believed, my life can still be useful.  hopeful. encouraging.
but sometimes, when i look back on how optimistic i was, i feel simply foolish.
and then i feel thankful.
because being able to see good and hope for good is wonderful.  and though it doesn't always work out...sometimes it does.
blessings.