assume. presume.
i fall pretty easily into assuming relationship. into presuming things, and i am learning that i should not. learning that i need to let people be and let them make their choices. i don't need to assume that anyone feels like me...or even likes me, for that matter. and...i don't need to assume that they don't. as a matter of fact, i don't even really need to spend time worrying about it. i just need to live as i am. not being a pain on purpose, but not bending over to try to please what i assume that they want.
i find that i also presume that others are going to act kindly. fairly. gently. and that's not always the case either. but again, i don't need to worry. they need to work those things out for themselves.
i lived a rough life for a long time. and frankly, i'm a bit wobbly coming out of it. i struggle when people are mean to me. i hurt when i am excluded. i cringe when i feel like i'm in the way. i ache when i am not valued or cherished for who i am but only how i perform.
i spent a long time...too long of a time...with words and ideas that were how i fail to measure up.
and i still respond to those voices...that voice...too often.
i feel it in how people treat me in a more accentuated way than others might. but, i know that will pass. it will all balance out in time.
sometimes i want to shout, "just be nice to me, i'm barely hanging on!" but...aren't we all? in our own way. with our own struggles. just hanging on.
because we are given strength for today. for now. for this trial. not for all future ones as well. not how it works. not how it was promised.
sometimes i assume that people must know how much pain i've been in. how i have barely functioned. how i cringe when there's that "one more thing". but...frankly....they don't. not because they don't care but because they have their own crises to deal with.
i'm learning to pray and keep going. i'm learning not to presume that people have the time or energy for me or my stuff. i'm learning that while i am worthy of being loved...not everyone will. i'm learning that i have to create a safe place for my heart. i have to guard my heart. not build a wall. but guard it from things and people who rip at it and whack at it.
i have done some brilliantly courageous things in the last year. many of the acts of growth have been made all alone. just how it is when you are divorced and single momming it. not a pity party. just a fact.
i have made choices. i choose a full time job. i could choose to sub. but, i choose to put in the extra hours and the effort because i like the fact that i can get a paycheck year around. and the fact that it means that i don't have to figure out short term jobs incessantly. that seems like even more stress to me at this point. though, in the future, it is high on my list of possibles. because i have made choices, i have put myself under some stress. mostly, people don't seem to see how hard this all is. but, i can't presume on them to try to understand. they just see that i have a good job. period. they don't know how long it has taken to simply sleep through the night. or how much i trembled when going to bed for months. they just don't know. so, it's not that they don't care...just that they don't have a clue.
i find it healing to let go of thinking of how i wish it was. it is just as it is. and as it is kind of rocks. i don't find that many people hang out around me. we had two visitors swing by tonight...my kids and i were shocked. but, they only came by to pick some stuff up.
i got a call.....well, a message, i had missed the call...same story...needed something.
and i smiled at how quickly i got excited that someone had come. and how amused i was able to be that it was just to get/do something. it wasn't about my kids and i at all. not even a tad. kinda funny. i am happy that i am finally able to choose an attitude that can let go of the hurt that goes with that. i choose happy. even if nobody chooses to tell me that i matter. oh well. i presumed that people that i had spent nearly twenty years with would know me, trust me and maybe understand me well enough to stick by me, nurture me a bit and love on me and my kids when i got divorced. i presumed wrong. but that doesn't mean i have to be mad or sad. it just means i need to adjust and look at reality. the reality is that some people get help and tlc and i get...nada. ok, i get the scarlet letter that says that i'm not quite as good as everyone else at church. probably why i don't get meals when i'm sick or cards in the mail or money to help me in times of need. it's probably why people flock to help my ex, invite him to dinner, and generally meet his needs. perhaps someone has to be blamed. i just didn't realize that it would be me. i presumed i'd be seen. heard. turns out i'm not very good at presuming. so, i'm just taking things as they come instead. i'm happy. delightfully happy. and i'm loving. and caring. and i have good things to offer. and i can let go of the u-m-e words and just think about the part that involves me and what i need to do. the you part? not my job.
gotta get some quiet moments in...a little time without my son tonight. daughter in bed sick.
blessings.
i fall pretty easily into assuming relationship. into presuming things, and i am learning that i should not. learning that i need to let people be and let them make their choices. i don't need to assume that anyone feels like me...or even likes me, for that matter. and...i don't need to assume that they don't. as a matter of fact, i don't even really need to spend time worrying about it. i just need to live as i am. not being a pain on purpose, but not bending over to try to please what i assume that they want.
i find that i also presume that others are going to act kindly. fairly. gently. and that's not always the case either. but again, i don't need to worry. they need to work those things out for themselves.
i lived a rough life for a long time. and frankly, i'm a bit wobbly coming out of it. i struggle when people are mean to me. i hurt when i am excluded. i cringe when i feel like i'm in the way. i ache when i am not valued or cherished for who i am but only how i perform.
i spent a long time...too long of a time...with words and ideas that were how i fail to measure up.
and i still respond to those voices...that voice...too often.
i feel it in how people treat me in a more accentuated way than others might. but, i know that will pass. it will all balance out in time.
sometimes i want to shout, "just be nice to me, i'm barely hanging on!" but...aren't we all? in our own way. with our own struggles. just hanging on.
because we are given strength for today. for now. for this trial. not for all future ones as well. not how it works. not how it was promised.
sometimes i assume that people must know how much pain i've been in. how i have barely functioned. how i cringe when there's that "one more thing". but...frankly....they don't. not because they don't care but because they have their own crises to deal with.
i'm learning to pray and keep going. i'm learning not to presume that people have the time or energy for me or my stuff. i'm learning that while i am worthy of being loved...not everyone will. i'm learning that i have to create a safe place for my heart. i have to guard my heart. not build a wall. but guard it from things and people who rip at it and whack at it.
i have done some brilliantly courageous things in the last year. many of the acts of growth have been made all alone. just how it is when you are divorced and single momming it. not a pity party. just a fact.
i have made choices. i choose a full time job. i could choose to sub. but, i choose to put in the extra hours and the effort because i like the fact that i can get a paycheck year around. and the fact that it means that i don't have to figure out short term jobs incessantly. that seems like even more stress to me at this point. though, in the future, it is high on my list of possibles. because i have made choices, i have put myself under some stress. mostly, people don't seem to see how hard this all is. but, i can't presume on them to try to understand. they just see that i have a good job. period. they don't know how long it has taken to simply sleep through the night. or how much i trembled when going to bed for months. they just don't know. so, it's not that they don't care...just that they don't have a clue.
i find it healing to let go of thinking of how i wish it was. it is just as it is. and as it is kind of rocks. i don't find that many people hang out around me. we had two visitors swing by tonight...my kids and i were shocked. but, they only came by to pick some stuff up.
i got a call.....well, a message, i had missed the call...same story...needed something.
and i smiled at how quickly i got excited that someone had come. and how amused i was able to be that it was just to get/do something. it wasn't about my kids and i at all. not even a tad. kinda funny. i am happy that i am finally able to choose an attitude that can let go of the hurt that goes with that. i choose happy. even if nobody chooses to tell me that i matter. oh well. i presumed that people that i had spent nearly twenty years with would know me, trust me and maybe understand me well enough to stick by me, nurture me a bit and love on me and my kids when i got divorced. i presumed wrong. but that doesn't mean i have to be mad or sad. it just means i need to adjust and look at reality. the reality is that some people get help and tlc and i get...nada. ok, i get the scarlet letter that says that i'm not quite as good as everyone else at church. probably why i don't get meals when i'm sick or cards in the mail or money to help me in times of need. it's probably why people flock to help my ex, invite him to dinner, and generally meet his needs. perhaps someone has to be blamed. i just didn't realize that it would be me. i presumed i'd be seen. heard. turns out i'm not very good at presuming. so, i'm just taking things as they come instead. i'm happy. delightfully happy. and i'm loving. and caring. and i have good things to offer. and i can let go of the u-m-e words and just think about the part that involves me and what i need to do. the you part? not my job.
gotta get some quiet moments in...a little time without my son tonight. daughter in bed sick.
blessings.
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