Talk about clear....;) That's what 18 megapixels on a camera does. Been looking at cameras. The Rebel by Canon now takes 18 megapixel shots...the t2i. I like it. And, today I figured out a way that maybe I'll be able to get one. There are refurbished ones. And, maybe if I sell gold? You know, broken chains and such. I know that I should use it for something else. Oh well. Maybe I will. Like a trip to Mexico. Or the Caribbean. Or, I could wait and put it towards a car. Choices are a good thing. I want to start working that way. I've been in a mode of not keeping anything on hand so that I can honestly say that I don't have it to give to him. It makes him angry. But, it keeps me from having to do what he says with money. I use it for groceries and buying clothes for myself or the kids. I used it to help with Christmas gifts. But...well....I want to practice having choices. Saving for them. Not being afraid.
He was so angry that I saved money and took a trip. The guilt was laid on thick. It was pretty awful. Ok, really awful, come to think of it. Maybe I am a horrible person for being relieved for not having him around. For needing the time away without him. But, my feelings are simply that....feelings. And they are the result of real actions. And I am allowed to have my own feelings. My own fears. My own needs.
Don't I sound so powerful? Over my own self. Wow. Only had to get to middle age to get back to being a grown up. Still proud. And sad.
Would I marry him all over again? I would have to. Because I adore my kids. But beyond that, there's no way. On a do over, I would tell my younger self to run away and not be fooled by the charming man. The "good guy". The "nice guy". But, knowing what I know and as hard as it has been, who I have become is stronger....more able.....although, I must say that I used to be very strong. So....strong in a new way. In overcoming the perception and beliefs of someone who was supposed to care for me and love me. That has required more courage than all of the rest of life. Amazing.
But, regarding the camera? I am not sure. But one thing I know....I get to choose. So I will choose wisely.
grace to you.
He was so angry that I saved money and took a trip. The guilt was laid on thick. It was pretty awful. Ok, really awful, come to think of it. Maybe I am a horrible person for being relieved for not having him around. For needing the time away without him. But, my feelings are simply that....feelings. And they are the result of real actions. And I am allowed to have my own feelings. My own fears. My own needs.
Don't I sound so powerful? Over my own self. Wow. Only had to get to middle age to get back to being a grown up. Still proud. And sad.
Would I marry him all over again? I would have to. Because I adore my kids. But beyond that, there's no way. On a do over, I would tell my younger self to run away and not be fooled by the charming man. The "good guy". The "nice guy". But, knowing what I know and as hard as it has been, who I have become is stronger....more able.....although, I must say that I used to be very strong. So....strong in a new way. In overcoming the perception and beliefs of someone who was supposed to care for me and love me. That has required more courage than all of the rest of life. Amazing.
But, regarding the camera? I am not sure. But one thing I know....I get to choose. So I will choose wisely.
grace to you.
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