Words

Words are like refreshing water to me.  They feed my heart.  They matter deeply to me.  So, words that have been hurtful in my life probably hurt even more than they would for some people.  And, I don't even think that he realizes it still.  Completely on a different plane.  And that is hard for me.  The invisible feeling.  The feeling that I matter so little.  I pretty much hate it.  And, I am weary of trying to talk it out.  To try to work it out.  Because it always goes the same way.  Tired of walking in the same muddy rut.  Ready to walk on dry ground.
I don't know exactly what it will look like to be healthy.  But I know that it has a lot to do with not constantly feeling stressed.  Not constantly being on edge.  That drains me.  I know that it involves more of the feeling that I had tonight.  Being able to simply rest.  Relax. I went shopping.  Didn't "accomplish" anything.  Oh, I forgot, got myself a present.  A little travel journal that I fell in love with.  I want to start my europe fund, but he is determined to make me feel like crap if I do anything with money.  He saw my checkbook the other day.....he was not happy.  I always feel like everything I do gets put through the inquisition.  And that's hard.  And I'm never going to be able to have the money if I don't pay off other stuff.  THEN save for the trip.  But I can't save a dime because if it's there and saved and he asks me...then I have to give it to him.  Because he says so.  What a lame reason.  So, I know that what I do at this point is just enjoy the extra with a book here and there and coffee and a meal out.  Because the other option is to hand it over to him.  I don't mind using it for groceries and things.  I just mind the fact that I'm not allowed to have an "envelope"....a place to save for me...for my own dreams.  I told him once that I wanted to take a trip to Europe and all he could talk about was......."without me?"  And how that wasn't nice.  I guess it's not.  His words aren't always inaccurate.  But, it is what I want.  If I had a choice of a trip to Europe with him or no trip to Europe, I would stay home.
His words do harm.  He doesn't call me names.  He doesn't beat me.  But he tries to control me.
Hey, the good news is that I've taught my daughter not to be guilted. ;)  This doesn't work to my advantage, but it is good for her.  I love that about her.  Although, he still can do it sometimes with her.  Because it's her daddy.  Wish he had been able to understand how much they love and are desperate for his approval.  I can't make that happen.  I've tried to reason.  Tried to help him to see them.  Tried to explain to them how he shows love.  But time has gone by and he has always remained more important to him than any of us.
His words are mean.  But, how he will twist my words is even worse.  Kills me.  I despise it.  Makes me mute.  Makes it hard for me to talk to anyone.  Unsure.  So I write in a place where I can risk being misunderstood and not humiliated or shamed for being wrong or unkind.
Taking my words away from me is like taking away a piece of me.  A big piece.  But he doesn't deserve them anyway.
Today was a good day.  I found some words.  I struggled, but I was able to speak some of how I feel.  That's important.  But so hard.  Except for here.  I'm so glad that a year ago I began.  Because although there are hard times.......I am safer.  Because I am aware.  Because I realize that I need to guard my heart.  Because I know that he does things that make me feel crazy....but that I don't have to buy into it.
I know that there is a hope and a future.  And he doesn't get to decide for me.
Good news of the day?  I haven't seen him at all.  I did have to talk to him on the phone and it left me jello-y inside.  But, he left early and is not home at after 11.
grace to you.