There are not two more conflicting personality types. I vaguely remember our "pre marriage counselor" saying that we were on opposite quadrants. That the only thing that would hold us together was being able to talk it out. But what's funny is that when you read about the two personalities in a relationship it says that initially they can appear to be compatible. To offset one another's weaknesses. But, in the long run they never make it. That's right. Never. That's what it said. Because they "are unable to protect and take care of each other's weak point." They conflict.
INFP....introvertede, intuitive, feeling,perceiving
ESTJ....extroverted, sensing, thinking, judging
It's interesting to take the tests. Just type in Jung personality test and do it. It is healing in a ddep way. Somehow seeing it laid out. Seeing who I am being understood by science...it's like it makes who I am ok. And who he is too. I'm not saying and have never been saying that my way is more right. Just trying to understand the dynamics.
The last of the article says that when the partners break apart they feel saved and released. Funny. It's exactly true. Because INFPs can only "dress up in their ESTJ business suit, but not without expending considerable energy." THAT'S why it tires me out so much!!! Weary has been my word. To be with him I have to be something else. Literally. And, my personality can do it....but at great cost. It's not a way to live day to day. That's why those times away are so desperately important to me. Just being me. That's why it's such a relief to not have to go hang on his arm and be at the parties now...because I have to be someone else to do it. And no matter how I've tried to explain that to him, he doesn't hear me. To him, if I CAN be like him then why wouldn't I? Remember, he believes that how he is and who he is is superior. Really. Better than others.
Clarity helps. Doesn't fix. But it calms me.
I'm not well today. He said, "so do you JUST have a headache or are you sick?" I said I wasn't sure. But the thing that he doesn't get after all of these years.....when I DO have a headache, it's worse than any sick he has ever had. It's horrific. Terrifying. More painful than childbirth. More excruciating than when I stubbed my toe so hard that I knocked off my toenail. It's indescribeable. And he's seen me. Been there when I couldn't move. Lying naked on the floor out of the shower not even able to grab a towel. Fetal position. Having thrown up. He has seen how many sleepless nights I've had. But he still doesn't SEE. Just a headache would be far worse in my case than the flu. But, I simply answered. Not sure, my stomach hurts. Left it at that.
Learn more about you and about how you function in and perceive your world. It's enlightening.
grace to you.
INFP....introvertede, intuitive, feeling,perceiving
ESTJ....extroverted, sensing, thinking, judging
It's interesting to take the tests. Just type in Jung personality test and do it. It is healing in a ddep way. Somehow seeing it laid out. Seeing who I am being understood by science...it's like it makes who I am ok. And who he is too. I'm not saying and have never been saying that my way is more right. Just trying to understand the dynamics.
The last of the article says that when the partners break apart they feel saved and released. Funny. It's exactly true. Because INFPs can only "dress up in their ESTJ business suit, but not without expending considerable energy." THAT'S why it tires me out so much!!! Weary has been my word. To be with him I have to be something else. Literally. And, my personality can do it....but at great cost. It's not a way to live day to day. That's why those times away are so desperately important to me. Just being me. That's why it's such a relief to not have to go hang on his arm and be at the parties now...because I have to be someone else to do it. And no matter how I've tried to explain that to him, he doesn't hear me. To him, if I CAN be like him then why wouldn't I? Remember, he believes that how he is and who he is is superior. Really. Better than others.
Clarity helps. Doesn't fix. But it calms me.
I'm not well today. He said, "so do you JUST have a headache or are you sick?" I said I wasn't sure. But the thing that he doesn't get after all of these years.....when I DO have a headache, it's worse than any sick he has ever had. It's horrific. Terrifying. More painful than childbirth. More excruciating than when I stubbed my toe so hard that I knocked off my toenail. It's indescribeable. And he's seen me. Been there when I couldn't move. Lying naked on the floor out of the shower not even able to grab a towel. Fetal position. Having thrown up. He has seen how many sleepless nights I've had. But he still doesn't SEE. Just a headache would be far worse in my case than the flu. But, I simply answered. Not sure, my stomach hurts. Left it at that.
Learn more about you and about how you function in and perceive your world. It's enlightening.
grace to you.
Grace,
ReplyDeleteI love you.
A Reader
Grace,
ReplyDeleteYou couldn't have said it any better. I too am an INFP and my ex is an ESTJ. I spent a year and a half attempting to be someone I wasn't only to ultimately decide it wasn't going to work in the long run between us. He was a lot of fun, but I needed so much more emotionally. We just didn't understand each other, and no matter what, it wasn't going to be forced. As an INFP I believe we look for that deep connection and understanding in relationships in order to "feel" loved and accepted. He never understood my emotional needs, why I do what I do, and I didn't understand how he became so cold and detached in response to my pleas of a deeper connection. He didn't get that part of me. Suffice it to say, the sense of "relief" you mentioned above when the 2 split is an understatement. No hard feelings remain, and with that relationship I was able to understand myself so much more and what I need in a partner.
I wish you and your spouse all the best and thank you for writing such an insightful blog!
Wow Grace! I am an INFP and my husband is an ENTJ. You hit it dead on! Sounds like you wrote about us. Finally...someone "gets" me...
ReplyDeleteINFP-ENTJ has it's pitfalls, but there is a significant difference between INFP-ENTJ dynamics, which have the potential to be healthy and INFP-ESTJ which can only exist in a neurotic state.
DeleteBut yeah, good luck putting the ENTJ in his place.
ENTPs forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteHaha that is so accurate. I have just found out that I am an INFP and he is an ESTJ. I had always wondered I we were polar opposites because we certainly seemed to be and now it all makes sense! I really relate to the comment saying that you eel that you need to be somebody else in the relationship to make it work. It seems we just never see eye to eye, don't have anything in common and recently it became so obvious that the only logical answer would be to separate. But for my own personal reasons, I have decided I would rather live with our differences than without our relationship so am willing to compromise. As is he. I wonder if love , loyalty and trust is enough, because we have plenty of all these things. Time will only tell from here whether this will prove the theory of it "never" working right or wrong. Although deep down, I feel there may be more truth to it being right, I won't give up until all methods have been exhausted. Wish us luck!!! :)
ReplyDeleteHi! I am in the exact same position as you. Me (infp) and him (estj) are now at a point where we have to decide if we want to take this relationship furher or not. We have already been together for 6 years, and we really love eachother. But he has his times when he doubt the relationship and "the woman ive become",and I try to dig into my thoughts and answer if my so called lazyness and lack of a bigger career motivation really is an issue, or just my character. A character that values relationships and family over anything else. But since im in love and have been with this man from the golden age of 22-28, it is impossible for me to just end it without giving it my fullest try.
DeleteSo im curious now that its been a year since you wrote this. Where are you guys now?
Hi, well, we separated three years ago and have since divorced. I am deliriously content and happy and he has a girlfriend. It didn't work for us, but that doesn't mean it doesn't work for others. There was a lot of unhealthy stuff in our relationship, so it contributed to the overall fail. Divorcing as a christian was probably the hardest thing I've ever done...and the most beneficial to my general well being. I am not an advocate of divorce, it is just where I happen to be at this point. And I have come to terms with God still loving me and being for me. But it took some time. I hope that you find what you are looking for.
DeleteHope and prayers that you find great joy and happiness. I don't believe that it's actually "never"....simply read it somewhere and it resonated within me. I was floored by it. And for me, everything kind of fell into place. There's always hope and faith and effort. Be happy!!
ReplyDeleteit completely describes my last relationship and it was probably the most traumatic event in my whole life...i tried so hard to compromise but it seemed like I was the only one trying...he always thinks hes right and superior to me....and it really affects my self-esteem.....I used to love who I was before I met him but he made me feel worthless and dumb all the time...leaving him was very hard...because I had extremely low self-esteem at that time, but it was the best decision I've ever made in my life!!!
ReplyDeleteStop being victims and stand up for yourself. Cut out all the bull crap lies from the past and kick them right in the teeth. You deserve to be happy and it's better to wander in search of happiness then to be committed to misery. INFP-ESTJ is not a good match. It's that simple.
ReplyDeleteThat being said I ama an INFP guy, and my experience with ESTJ's has mostly been through work since most ESTJ's are men and a lady cop, lol. Seriously though, an insight from Socionic Quadras clarifies why this match, and all opposites in MBTI terminology, don't work is that the actual functions that the INFP and ESTJ are the same.
Introverted Feeling
Extraverted Intuition
Introverted Sensing
Extraverted Thinking
The INFP, ESTJ, ISTJ, and ENFP are all in the same boat in terms of functions, in what Socionics calls the Delta Quadra. In descriptions of the Delta Quadra a worldview is layed out, which is easily articulated within the Judeo-Christian worldview as Works and Justice. We have a harsh realistic view of the world (works), but we strive to keep things fair (Justice). Those are ideas that are better kept introverted then extraverted. No joke. I'm not dissing Extraverts. The Grace of God should be given freely to all men, but the hard things need to be taken upon us as individuals (introversion).
So you have an imbalance in the relationship. The truth is that the INFP and ISTJ are living up to the ideas, morals and worldview that the ESTJ and ENFP are expounding on.
I'm not hating on ESTJ and ENFP, either. I'm saying that their energy is best spent elsewhere, because inevitably they will realize their own folly and that they were the ones who needed to be humbled (Peter was the quintessential ESTJ think of Acts 10 or 11 the Petrine Revelation. "Peter what God hath cleansed call not thou common repeated three times in a condescending tone).
PLEASE don't lie to your INFP self and tell yourself that they will change. They will only change when you leave and they have to figure it out on their own.
Lastly, I'll add that the traditional INFP-ENFJ relationship is pretty good. Even though most ENFJ dudes I know are really narcissistic. I think INFP females could do very well with an ENTJ male, because someone needs to put them in their place. I also think ISTJ are infinitely better matches for INFP's than ESTJ's are. Then there are ESFJ dudes, which would probably be a little awkward. Point being INFP's females can do much better than an average schmuck ESTJ. Please realize your full potential.
I'll close even in the name of Jesus Christ
Amen
Great I stumbled upon this blog. My girl (Love her so much) is the ultimate ultimate ISTJ. I find her harsh, rude and emotionally retarded at times, her wold of facts and no consideration to others feelings, or our relationship. My 'thing' is harmony - scarred from growing up in a household where fights and opinions were common. All I can say after reading the above blogs, is that Im stoked to be a INFP and even more stoked to be married (2 weeks now) to an ISTJ as I have always wanted to be more humble, patient, take less offense and just be more content. I believe my prayer has been answered. God gave me her :-> I have to use every ounce of my patience, have failed numerous times when trying to bite my tongue after a true, but unnescessary comment from her. Always the same answer: I no choose peace and harmony, or enter the door of conflict and argument. She is noticing my efforts to keep her happy and is already chaging into the soft and caring person I know she is. Remember ISTJs are common, we are the rarest. The world is built by them, where facts override feelings and where they first have to be proven wrong before they can see themselves. Time will prove, and love will prove to them who they are, and who we are. In conclusion, I don't think we would make it without faith, and grace (Gods gift to help us be what we cannot be by ourselves). I have proven the days that I adopt the peacefull and loving husband attitude that we can work. The days I don't don this cap, we fail miserably and cant see the road ahead.
ReplyDelete" Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. LOVE NEVER FAILS!
I don't know if you already knew this or not, but Isabel Myers who is one of the creators of MBTI was an INFP and it was her marriage to an ISTJ that was in part an inspiration to create this system.
Deletehttp://www.capt.org/mbti-assessment/isabel-myers.htm
I think it's the best relationship between two individuals who share the same functions.
I am an INFP and hubby is ESTJ. We have been married for 45 years. Neither one of us will give up. We are not happy but we both have very strong values that won't let us break our word in our marriage vows. We love each other but don't particularly like each other. But we have made our lives together and mostly to the detriment of the INFP who feels depressed most of the time. My saving grace is that I have a job that I love that affords me a great deal of satisfaction. But I miss any romance and fun in my life with him. We have children and grandchildren and finances that are so intermingled. I want to experience some happiness in our relationship but he constantly pisses me off with his superior attitude. Is there any hope for this grandma?
ReplyDelete"What you can't stop accelerate." The relationship is already dead so you should separate. You will realize how much more energy you have once you are out of the relationship. It's never too late to reclaim your life.
DeleteIt'd be better for your whole family in the long run to realize that their parents were in a bad relationship than accepting a delusion that the relationship was good. It's likely they will even support you in it.
INFP-ESTJ doesn't work. Every pairing I've heard or seen has significant problems.
I want to give you both faith and hope. I am the INFP in this relationship. We married in 1979. He is the most extreme measure on the ESTJ scale. I am an extreme on the INFP scale. I am an artist and he is a CEO of a Museum Foundation and former Marine Corps 3 star. I never had difficulty with our personal relationship or parenting our children, who are both Ns, one INFJ and one ENFP. I struggled through his career path and associations I was obligated to engage. The day of his retirement was the happiest day of my life. We are now , on occassion at odds, but most of the time we work out any points of issue. I do not like some of his friends, but now, such fellings can not hurt his career. I just ended 10 years of caring for my Mother. I can not imagine making it through that period without him by my side. We do make up for the differences between us. It can wor. Respectfully, lynn
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