Some people play by working. Maybe that works for them. Me, I make time for each. Too much relax lately while trying to fight the battle. It takes so much energy to keep it up. Yet, with each day, I grow a little bit.
This fall has been trying to me health wise. I am feeling like I did years ago when I first felt so sick. When I first got to do all of the lovely unfruitful doctor visits. But this time.......this time I am stronger even when I am weaker. So, though I struggle, I have been better. But still, it's hard not to be able to complete what is in my mind. On my heart. Yet, I keep going. A little at a time. Because I like living. However it looks. However it feels. I realized today that the stress that I really feel doesn't come from me, nor from not feeling well. It comes from the constant, unending knowing that I have failed....again and again and again. He likes things a certain way. I don't. And, I used to try, but, frankly, not being as strong makes me decide where to put my energy. I have decided. I will do the things that matter the most. That help others along. That bring me absolute joy. And, I'll wash the clothes, because I really like clean clothes. And folded. Everyone around here does most of their own. So, I do towels and such and my clothes. That's a relief.
I need to play. I'm realizing that it's part of who I am. It IS my work.Because, it's as if I have to make whatever I do not just fun, but meaningful. Like I want to enjoy each thing. Because if this is my life, I want to enjoy it. Whether I'm cleanign out the closet or playing a game. Meaning is important to me.
Speaking of which. I cried for the silliest reason today. I was driving along and, as usual, I was enjoying the spectacular beauty of the dawn. And suddenly, it hit me, I am different. And that differentness is was causes me to enjoy such things so deeply. And, with THAT, came the knowledge that who I am has beauty. That the very ability to appreciate the simple things with such emotion and depth is a gift that was given to me. I have always felt that my personality, my traits are something that I have to continually fight against. Suddenly, I was deep down happy to get to be me. To get to know what it feels like to feel so much. To perceive so much. It's......a gift. Not a burden. Well, ok, it is a burden too. Because I am different. Truly different. Than most others. Guess I had to get this old and to this place to finally see the glory in it. What a difference it made in my day. I used to like who I was and didn't think that I was so weird. Different, but it never bothered me. Took marriage to do that. That's so sad. That's why I just can't do it anymore. I need to have a place to live and breathe that doesn't constantly make me feel lousy about me. Like a hammer constantly beating. How sad it is. But how good to see and realize and learn to live again.
grace to you.
This fall has been trying to me health wise. I am feeling like I did years ago when I first felt so sick. When I first got to do all of the lovely unfruitful doctor visits. But this time.......this time I am stronger even when I am weaker. So, though I struggle, I have been better. But still, it's hard not to be able to complete what is in my mind. On my heart. Yet, I keep going. A little at a time. Because I like living. However it looks. However it feels. I realized today that the stress that I really feel doesn't come from me, nor from not feeling well. It comes from the constant, unending knowing that I have failed....again and again and again. He likes things a certain way. I don't. And, I used to try, but, frankly, not being as strong makes me decide where to put my energy. I have decided. I will do the things that matter the most. That help others along. That bring me absolute joy. And, I'll wash the clothes, because I really like clean clothes. And folded. Everyone around here does most of their own. So, I do towels and such and my clothes. That's a relief.
I need to play. I'm realizing that it's part of who I am. It IS my work.Because, it's as if I have to make whatever I do not just fun, but meaningful. Like I want to enjoy each thing. Because if this is my life, I want to enjoy it. Whether I'm cleanign out the closet or playing a game. Meaning is important to me.
Speaking of which. I cried for the silliest reason today. I was driving along and, as usual, I was enjoying the spectacular beauty of the dawn. And suddenly, it hit me, I am different. And that differentness is was causes me to enjoy such things so deeply. And, with THAT, came the knowledge that who I am has beauty. That the very ability to appreciate the simple things with such emotion and depth is a gift that was given to me. I have always felt that my personality, my traits are something that I have to continually fight against. Suddenly, I was deep down happy to get to be me. To get to know what it feels like to feel so much. To perceive so much. It's......a gift. Not a burden. Well, ok, it is a burden too. Because I am different. Truly different. Than most others. Guess I had to get this old and to this place to finally see the glory in it. What a difference it made in my day. I used to like who I was and didn't think that I was so weird. Different, but it never bothered me. Took marriage to do that. That's so sad. That's why I just can't do it anymore. I need to have a place to live and breathe that doesn't constantly make me feel lousy about me. Like a hammer constantly beating. How sad it is. But how good to see and realize and learn to live again.
grace to you.
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