Movies and books color the world view of what love looks like. But, I know what love looks like. I've seen it. And, perhaps that is why it so surprises me that I didn't spot the lack of love towards me from my husband. He does some of the things that you might expect. He says some of the words. But it's generally a manipulation....not a giving.
Love looks like giving. It is when a person goes out of his/her way for the one they love to make their day brighter. It looks like a mama grabbing her kid at the airport after time away and holding on like she never wants to let go.....and having him hold on too. It looks like being willing to learn what another person loves or needs in order to feel "at rest".....and then doing it too.
It looks like willingness. Like kindness in the midst of troubles. It looks like comfort. Like hands reaching out to lift up. It looks like that look that says, "hey, I'm here, I get it and I'll believe in you and help you through."
It looks like sharing. Not being taken from. Not being used. Sharing willingly. And grown up love is reciprocal. Parent to a young child...not so much. And, while that is a beautiful kind of love, it can't be continued when our children become men and women. Then they need to learn to give as well as take.
It's that look a man gives when he knows he will do absolutely anything to make his wife smile....a deep smile. That it satisfies him as much as pleasing himself.
Love has many looks. Many styles. But NONE of them cause one to lose value. To lose herself. To constantly be on edge. That's not love. I'm not sure what it is. Need? But it hurts. I don't doubt that my husband "needs" me. That he's comfortable with what I give and put into his life. But the thing is that he hasn't put into my life anything that lasts. That is meaningful. When I think of my marriage with him all I can say is that he has sucked me dry. And that's too bad. Because I gave him love and respect. I gave him what he needed. I willingly sacrificed to make things good....not just adequate. But it just wasn't going to happen. Because he doesn't have that sense towards me. That indescribable but totally necessary something that makes it possible to really love someone. No, not sex.
That sense of being at ease and making them feel the same. The feeling of absolute comfort. Even in hard times. The ability to share freely. Without censor or fear of being squashed. A connection. A bond. It doesn't just come from time spent. It comes from wanting to know a person. From seeing who they are. How they work. It comes not from being the same, but from absolutely appreciating the differences. It comes from understanding what brings someone joy and committing to it. But, in the grown up world, what I have learned is that it can't be one way. Not forever. In seasons, yes....but if one person absolutely refuses to be kind. Refuses to contribute to the health and growth. Has nothing good to say or to give. Then, it just doesn't work.
And I'm learning that I gave my love. That I will always love to some degree. Because of our children. Because of time. But that I finally see that he has never given me the love that I need. And I guess that I thought that I should just deal with it. Just suck it up and give all. But not only does he not give, he takes. He takes my dignity. My sense of safety. My very self worth. And right or wrong, I'm not sure...but I just can't do that for the rest of my life. Or, maybe I could and I choose not to.
I will find a way to live my life. To move on. Somehow. Prayerfully. Directed. Not out of anger. Not out of revenge. But because I know the One who really does love me. And I trust that He still has a plan for me. Broken and decrepit as I've become. He sees me. And He has a plan. I love that.
I'm praying for you this season especially. I know that if you are looking for a blog like this then you are hurting and the holidays can be really hard. I'm sorry. Wish I could wrap my arms around you and let you know how very special you are. No matter how much hurt you've been living in. Even if it feels like your fault. Even if is IS your fault. Let go of bitterness. Let truth in. Be blessed.
graced to you.
Love looks like giving. It is when a person goes out of his/her way for the one they love to make their day brighter. It looks like a mama grabbing her kid at the airport after time away and holding on like she never wants to let go.....and having him hold on too. It looks like being willing to learn what another person loves or needs in order to feel "at rest".....and then doing it too.
It looks like willingness. Like kindness in the midst of troubles. It looks like comfort. Like hands reaching out to lift up. It looks like that look that says, "hey, I'm here, I get it and I'll believe in you and help you through."
It looks like sharing. Not being taken from. Not being used. Sharing willingly. And grown up love is reciprocal. Parent to a young child...not so much. And, while that is a beautiful kind of love, it can't be continued when our children become men and women. Then they need to learn to give as well as take.
It's that look a man gives when he knows he will do absolutely anything to make his wife smile....a deep smile. That it satisfies him as much as pleasing himself.
Love has many looks. Many styles. But NONE of them cause one to lose value. To lose herself. To constantly be on edge. That's not love. I'm not sure what it is. Need? But it hurts. I don't doubt that my husband "needs" me. That he's comfortable with what I give and put into his life. But the thing is that he hasn't put into my life anything that lasts. That is meaningful. When I think of my marriage with him all I can say is that he has sucked me dry. And that's too bad. Because I gave him love and respect. I gave him what he needed. I willingly sacrificed to make things good....not just adequate. But it just wasn't going to happen. Because he doesn't have that sense towards me. That indescribable but totally necessary something that makes it possible to really love someone. No, not sex.
That sense of being at ease and making them feel the same. The feeling of absolute comfort. Even in hard times. The ability to share freely. Without censor or fear of being squashed. A connection. A bond. It doesn't just come from time spent. It comes from wanting to know a person. From seeing who they are. How they work. It comes not from being the same, but from absolutely appreciating the differences. It comes from understanding what brings someone joy and committing to it. But, in the grown up world, what I have learned is that it can't be one way. Not forever. In seasons, yes....but if one person absolutely refuses to be kind. Refuses to contribute to the health and growth. Has nothing good to say or to give. Then, it just doesn't work.
And I'm learning that I gave my love. That I will always love to some degree. Because of our children. Because of time. But that I finally see that he has never given me the love that I need. And I guess that I thought that I should just deal with it. Just suck it up and give all. But not only does he not give, he takes. He takes my dignity. My sense of safety. My very self worth. And right or wrong, I'm not sure...but I just can't do that for the rest of my life. Or, maybe I could and I choose not to.
I will find a way to live my life. To move on. Somehow. Prayerfully. Directed. Not out of anger. Not out of revenge. But because I know the One who really does love me. And I trust that He still has a plan for me. Broken and decrepit as I've become. He sees me. And He has a plan. I love that.
I'm praying for you this season especially. I know that if you are looking for a blog like this then you are hurting and the holidays can be really hard. I'm sorry. Wish I could wrap my arms around you and let you know how very special you are. No matter how much hurt you've been living in. Even if it feels like your fault. Even if is IS your fault. Let go of bitterness. Let truth in. Be blessed.
graced to you.
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