Wow. Three days have gone by since I have written. Unheard of. I've been busy. But, also, it is hard to find quiet time to write when my thoughts can simply go without having to answer a load of other questions or hold conversation. I don't have many jobs this week. Sad. And not so much. I could use the money. Got bills. But, I am glad to have this quiet. My husband is going to take a week off during break. Yikes. I started shaking this morning with just the thought. What a shame. He called me to see if I had made any plans because he wanted to take the days to be included in case I'd planned a trip or something.
He doesn't get it...if I had, I wouldn't want to do it with him. And I haven't because he made such a fuss that while he went to Texas last year, I took the rest to a cabin in the woods. I know. I should feel nicer about it. But I don't. I feel like he never plans anything for any of us. Never says that it would be good to go. Never gives. But, wants to be sure that he isn't left out. It just irks me. He gave a gift to our kid last Christmas of a trip/adventure for the two of them. My son chose something easy. A fishing trip. But then his dad wasn't going to do the hotel. Wasn't going to take him out to eat. Was going to take away the perks because they could take packed food. It was frustrating. He is self centered. Money before his kid. I prevailed. They got the room. They ate a meal out. He just doesn't get that it's not just about him getting stuff. Or experiences. That he is not the baby of THIS family. That it's time to grow up.
Today he left for work very early. He came in while I was on my computer to say good bye. And to ask if he could take the car instead of the van. He worries about the van. He doesn't want to drive it on the highway. But he has no qualms about sending his family on the highway in it to take the kids to school. I don't understand him. And the way he asked was pathetic. I don't know....just like I would say no. I never say no. Though I do much more driving and take many more people. He drives four miles to work and parks it for the day.
I am venting. I know. Stressed. Knowing that he will be around on my precious days off with the kids. He is NEVER off then. And, maybe because this morning I was reflecting on the facts of my life. About how he believes that I should go back to how it was before. That it's "right". That I should keep on trying. That I should make it work. And yet, I wonder why??? Seriously, what is different after all of these years? Nothing has changed. Doing the same thing over and over the same way and expecting different results is crazy. He believes that it is the spiritual thing to do. But this morning as I drove, I realized that the relationship isn't there. Hasn't been. Maybe he never really gave it. I'm not sure. All I know is that on my part I gave as long as I possibly could. I prayed to be the person I should be. I prayed for answers. I prayed to be strong. I prayed for peace and no conflict. I prayed to be a good wife. I prayed for him to be happy. And eventually, over a large amount of time, I began to break. And I told him so. Told him I couldn't live as it was. And finally, I did break. I couldn't hold it all together anymore. I was done in. Weary. Used. And he didn't care. Not a bit. And I tried to do it. But, I could not. And during all of it, he simply demanded more. If he got something....he wanted better. Then came a time when I had to change it or sink forever. And I changed it. And there has not been a change. He puts on a nice front sometimes. But, most of the time, life still revolves around him in his mind. I'm not interested. I can't even face the possibility of doing that again. I don't need to be mean to him. I just need to breathe. To be allowed to have a thought. Or an experience. Or a hope. Or a dream. Without someone who diminishes who I am. Who thinks of me as irresponsible. Or unspiritual. I'm just....done. Because being stronger makes my life fuller. Richer. I am kinder. I am freer. I am more able to trust God. To grow. I am doing BETTER. Not worse.
I am moving forward in life. Not backward. And it's a grand adventure.
grace to you.
He doesn't get it...if I had, I wouldn't want to do it with him. And I haven't because he made such a fuss that while he went to Texas last year, I took the rest to a cabin in the woods. I know. I should feel nicer about it. But I don't. I feel like he never plans anything for any of us. Never says that it would be good to go. Never gives. But, wants to be sure that he isn't left out. It just irks me. He gave a gift to our kid last Christmas of a trip/adventure for the two of them. My son chose something easy. A fishing trip. But then his dad wasn't going to do the hotel. Wasn't going to take him out to eat. Was going to take away the perks because they could take packed food. It was frustrating. He is self centered. Money before his kid. I prevailed. They got the room. They ate a meal out. He just doesn't get that it's not just about him getting stuff. Or experiences. That he is not the baby of THIS family. That it's time to grow up.
Today he left for work very early. He came in while I was on my computer to say good bye. And to ask if he could take the car instead of the van. He worries about the van. He doesn't want to drive it on the highway. But he has no qualms about sending his family on the highway in it to take the kids to school. I don't understand him. And the way he asked was pathetic. I don't know....just like I would say no. I never say no. Though I do much more driving and take many more people. He drives four miles to work and parks it for the day.
I am venting. I know. Stressed. Knowing that he will be around on my precious days off with the kids. He is NEVER off then. And, maybe because this morning I was reflecting on the facts of my life. About how he believes that I should go back to how it was before. That it's "right". That I should keep on trying. That I should make it work. And yet, I wonder why??? Seriously, what is different after all of these years? Nothing has changed. Doing the same thing over and over the same way and expecting different results is crazy. He believes that it is the spiritual thing to do. But this morning as I drove, I realized that the relationship isn't there. Hasn't been. Maybe he never really gave it. I'm not sure. All I know is that on my part I gave as long as I possibly could. I prayed to be the person I should be. I prayed for answers. I prayed to be strong. I prayed for peace and no conflict. I prayed to be a good wife. I prayed for him to be happy. And eventually, over a large amount of time, I began to break. And I told him so. Told him I couldn't live as it was. And finally, I did break. I couldn't hold it all together anymore. I was done in. Weary. Used. And he didn't care. Not a bit. And I tried to do it. But, I could not. And during all of it, he simply demanded more. If he got something....he wanted better. Then came a time when I had to change it or sink forever. And I changed it. And there has not been a change. He puts on a nice front sometimes. But, most of the time, life still revolves around him in his mind. I'm not interested. I can't even face the possibility of doing that again. I don't need to be mean to him. I just need to breathe. To be allowed to have a thought. Or an experience. Or a hope. Or a dream. Without someone who diminishes who I am. Who thinks of me as irresponsible. Or unspiritual. I'm just....done. Because being stronger makes my life fuller. Richer. I am kinder. I am freer. I am more able to trust God. To grow. I am doing BETTER. Not worse.
I am moving forward in life. Not backward. And it's a grand adventure.
grace to you.
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