Hopeless

I am reeling.  Exhausted.  Begged to be allowed to sleep alone tonight.  Gave in for tonight but let me know that it won't be the norm.  That he won't allow it.  That he deserves better.  To be treated better.  I have to sit and talk to him.  Hug.  Basically do what meets his needs.  That it is not my right.  That it is not kind.

Funny...because of his middle of the night tirade, he was able to be "nice" today.  It hurts me.  So much.  To be told that I must do what he needs.  What he wants.  That I don't have a right.  

Think I'll sleep in the chair.  Then he can't climb beside me as he did after midnight last night.  Then followed me where I would go.  I am troubled.  Couldn't be left in peace.  

And apparently I'm wrong...we've always had a good marriage. 

Hard day.  Extremely hard.  And all day I could only imagine the night.  I literally begged for this night.  To be able to sleep alone.  And, again apparently, it shouldn't bother me to have him sleeping with me.  But it does, I want to shout it....."it does!!"  And it's true that it shouldn't.  That's what makes me so sad.  The truth of the matter.  He has hurt me so badly.  But my words never get through.  And that wounds me again.  

Ok.  well.  So much for the hopes of last week.
And I did give it a go to talk to someone.  But the words wouldn't come out.  Because I knew that I wouldn't totally fall apart.  I felt so bullied.  So....pushed.  So horrifically trapped in a room.  Now it's like I don't want to sleep without my phone.  My shoes.  Warm clothes.  I was cold all night when he laid on the couch and I sat on a bench.  Why didn't I leave?  Because I will never walk out on my kids.  Ever.

grace to you.