I know that it's true. But it's not how I feel today. My husband has a way of making me feel completely invisible. Here I am...hiding on my laptop. Lying upon the couch. Worn out. Long day. And I see the lovely piece of art that a friend made for me. It says "here" and in small print, "not invisible". Tears sprang to my eyes as I realized how I feel like an apparition in his eyes. Someone without form. Who he wants because he can't lose, but whom he doesn't care to think much about.
And I wonder how long the dance will continue. There's a part of me that wants to make it last until our last is leaving home. Mostly because I don't want to pain my children with the back and forth. Keeping it simple. Yet, sometimes I wonder why I do it. And I know that it hurts me. More than I ever probably let on. I am a tender spirit. A strong woman with a very tender heart.
He is not an ogre. This I am aware. He would be so much better off with someone who he actually respects. Actually understands. Actually wants to know. He is so....seen. So popular. So outgoing. I am none of those things. I am quite content here with my writing. With spending time with my kids. With my friends. My real friends. And as I sat in church today I realized that I can handle it if people don't understand. That I won't try to make them. Oh, to be sure, it will hurt. But it will not define me. It will not kill me. It will simply hurt. He is likable to them. And I have to get used to that idea. Though it can cut sometimes.
Life is not easy...but, it definitely is worth it. I feel invisible today. However, I am happier than last year. I am stronger. And I know that I can make it. I still have fears. I still feel frozen sometimes. But I know how to work through until I can function again. I am getting stronger. I am getting happier. And though I am invisible to him. Though others may not "get" it. I am seen by people who truly love me. Brings tears to my eyes even now. What a gift. And I'm so much more able to receive that again. To allow them into my heart. Though, I will always have my personality. I'm not highly outgoing. I am easily hurt. And, in general, easy forgiving. I have courage. I am able to grow. To change. And I am allowed to be myself. Without fear. Well, I'm not always...but, I am a grown up and I can allow myself.
This has been a good year. A growing year...Christmas to Christmas. Last year, I was just learning how to put the blog together. I used it to barf out all of my pain. And, just like the physical action, this emotional action allowed me to feel better....at least better enough to begin to choose change.
I have learned to like who I am again. To allow others to reach in. To reach out when I need to. Sometimes I coil back in...when the stress gets particularly high. But, overall, I call it what it is and move on.
My kids are wonderful. Kind and giving. They made a good day for me. I am thankful.
Blessings of the Christ Child be on you.
grace to you.
And I wonder how long the dance will continue. There's a part of me that wants to make it last until our last is leaving home. Mostly because I don't want to pain my children with the back and forth. Keeping it simple. Yet, sometimes I wonder why I do it. And I know that it hurts me. More than I ever probably let on. I am a tender spirit. A strong woman with a very tender heart.
He is not an ogre. This I am aware. He would be so much better off with someone who he actually respects. Actually understands. Actually wants to know. He is so....seen. So popular. So outgoing. I am none of those things. I am quite content here with my writing. With spending time with my kids. With my friends. My real friends. And as I sat in church today I realized that I can handle it if people don't understand. That I won't try to make them. Oh, to be sure, it will hurt. But it will not define me. It will not kill me. It will simply hurt. He is likable to them. And I have to get used to that idea. Though it can cut sometimes.
Life is not easy...but, it definitely is worth it. I feel invisible today. However, I am happier than last year. I am stronger. And I know that I can make it. I still have fears. I still feel frozen sometimes. But I know how to work through until I can function again. I am getting stronger. I am getting happier. And though I am invisible to him. Though others may not "get" it. I am seen by people who truly love me. Brings tears to my eyes even now. What a gift. And I'm so much more able to receive that again. To allow them into my heart. Though, I will always have my personality. I'm not highly outgoing. I am easily hurt. And, in general, easy forgiving. I have courage. I am able to grow. To change. And I am allowed to be myself. Without fear. Well, I'm not always...but, I am a grown up and I can allow myself.
This has been a good year. A growing year...Christmas to Christmas. Last year, I was just learning how to put the blog together. I used it to barf out all of my pain. And, just like the physical action, this emotional action allowed me to feel better....at least better enough to begin to choose change.
I have learned to like who I am again. To allow others to reach in. To reach out when I need to. Sometimes I coil back in...when the stress gets particularly high. But, overall, I call it what it is and move on.
My kids are wonderful. Kind and giving. They made a good day for me. I am thankful.
Blessings of the Christ Child be on you.
grace to you.
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