It is his "right" to be treated as a husband, to sleep with me, to be with me. He will not give up. He will continue this behavior until I do the "right" thing. (these are his, not mine) I believe a lie. He is good to me. He has done some some stupid things and will again but he is sorry. I should forgive. I am harming our children. He will never ever give up. (says that often.) Won't lose me. I shouldn't feel uncomfortable. As a matter of fact...there are lots of things that I shouldn't feel or do or believe.
He is determined. And, because I know how competitive he is, I am terrified. I got to be alone last night. I huddled in the recliner. He had taken away the safety of my usual sleeping places.
He showed up when I was in a fitful sleep...fighting a headache...and laid with me on my pallet..which is the size of a small twin bed. I awakened and totally freaked out. Jumped up. Grabbed my blanket and pillow and headed out. He got up and followed me. No matter where I went he said that I could not be alone. That it is his right. That he is my husband. I settled on a small bench. Limp with fatigue and despair. He settled on the couch. Told me that I had to give these things. That he would not wait. That I would not treat him poorly. That I treat him like crap. (honestly, I probably do, but I didn't always). That he deserves better. That he has thought about it and we have had a good marriage. That he has taken good care of me and provided for me. I was still sitting on the bench. Whatever I tried to say about how I felt or how he couldn't "win" me back by bullying me into it....he countered me with how wrong I am. He told me how I shouldn't think how I do, feel how I do, make decisions based on how I feel. That he gets to choose what's best for him.....what he doesn't get is that he can't choose for me to make what's best for him.
It went on for long. I spoke little. It was impossible. He frightens me for some reason I can't even begin to explain. But it has partially to do with always taking what I try to say and making me feel stupid about how I feel or how I think. Making me feel.....like I'm evil. He was angry. I was totally terrified. And cold. No socks. No phone. No glasses. Mind was working, trying to figure out how to get away. But, I couldn't. I WOULDN'T...because of my kids. If I left, he would tell them I left. If I locked myself in a room, it would cause noise and alert them and cause them worry. So, I sat. Shaking. For hours. After time, he wore himself out and fell asleep on the couch...gently snoring. I waited. Tense. When I was sure he was asleep, I went and got on big socks. Clothes. Sweatshirt. Glasses. Nabbed my phone and put it in my pocket. Got my pillow and blanket and sat in the recliner trying to warm up. I didn't want him to awaken and find me gone and cause a ruckus looking for me. I knew that I wouldn't sleep because I was absolutely freaked by the thought of being awakened by his showing up again. So, I sat. Shaking still. Unable to get warm. Is it shock? Why is it that run ins with him rob me of the ability to keep warm? He awoke just after four and realized that I was in the chair by the pallet. He tried to move there....it is in a spot that would basically "trap" me. I moved quickly and said no...and went back to perch on the little bench. He was angry. He sat on the couch and talked. And still, when I would try to say how I felt...he would discount it. Tell me that I am wrong because he makes mistakes but he doesn't deserve this. That he would NOT give up his marriage. On and on. I could barely breathe. Literally. Like a nightmare. And when I said that I had a right to sleep with whom I choose, meaning alone or with him....he asked "and who ARE you sleeping with"....um. duh. myself. Alone. I mean, I'm there every night. In the living room. No door. No privacy. He KNOWS that. Finally he went to his bed about 5:30. I cried. I longed for a family to go to. A place. He knows that I don't have that. No family. And he also knows that I will never harm my kids. Ever.
I am more than troubled. I can barely sleep. I huddled in that same chair last night...the safe feeling that had taken me so long to cultivate after moving out of our room, destroyed in a matter of hours. But he says that can't be true because I had 500 nights and that one night couldn't make me feel so badly. So he "gave" me last night because I was a basket case. But with the warning that it wouldn't be the norm. That I would not be allowed to sleep alone. I am ill. Literally. And what do I say to anyone? How do I explain when my words are so discounted? When I don't even understand why he terrifies me. Why he hurts me so much.
So, I get to spend today afraid for tonight. Then if tonight I manage to "negotiate" a night, I get to spend the night worrying about the next and the next. And negotiate is the right word. I am expected to greet him FIRST in the morning. I am expected to say thank you. And always you're welcome and not, sure...even if I oten use sure...not in a mean tone of voice. I am expected to not say thank you if he says "I love you"...apparently I'm supposed to repeat the words back. It took me a long time to figure out to say thank you. It's not love. It's.....ownership. It's winning. It's not about me at all. It's about him. What he wants. How he wants things. And the Bible is on his side, I hear. And...I fear. I have not been beaten. He doesn't call me nasty names. He wouldn't. But, he uses words to manipulate. To cause pain. To poke. To belittle.
I am sad. I am hurt. I am troubled. My stomach hurts. But, he says this morning (after I said good morning first) "want some coffee"? As if the world is right. Because after he has his "moment", his scene, his explosion..he will act nicer for a bit. I've lived with this for a long time. How could I not have seen?
But you know what? I am stronger now. I can and will do what I need to do. But I won't act stupidly nor rashly. I will still pray. Though I may not be in the right, I know that God hears. Loves me. Knows me. Cares for me. Even if I am not on the right track, I know He will work patiently to get me there. And not bully me. I know that He will carry me.
Now, I'm going to look for a real job.
grace to you.
He is determined. And, because I know how competitive he is, I am terrified. I got to be alone last night. I huddled in the recliner. He had taken away the safety of my usual sleeping places.
He showed up when I was in a fitful sleep...fighting a headache...and laid with me on my pallet..which is the size of a small twin bed. I awakened and totally freaked out. Jumped up. Grabbed my blanket and pillow and headed out. He got up and followed me. No matter where I went he said that I could not be alone. That it is his right. That he is my husband. I settled on a small bench. Limp with fatigue and despair. He settled on the couch. Told me that I had to give these things. That he would not wait. That I would not treat him poorly. That I treat him like crap. (honestly, I probably do, but I didn't always). That he deserves better. That he has thought about it and we have had a good marriage. That he has taken good care of me and provided for me. I was still sitting on the bench. Whatever I tried to say about how I felt or how he couldn't "win" me back by bullying me into it....he countered me with how wrong I am. He told me how I shouldn't think how I do, feel how I do, make decisions based on how I feel. That he gets to choose what's best for him.....what he doesn't get is that he can't choose for me to make what's best for him.
It went on for long. I spoke little. It was impossible. He frightens me for some reason I can't even begin to explain. But it has partially to do with always taking what I try to say and making me feel stupid about how I feel or how I think. Making me feel.....like I'm evil. He was angry. I was totally terrified. And cold. No socks. No phone. No glasses. Mind was working, trying to figure out how to get away. But, I couldn't. I WOULDN'T...because of my kids. If I left, he would tell them I left. If I locked myself in a room, it would cause noise and alert them and cause them worry. So, I sat. Shaking. For hours. After time, he wore himself out and fell asleep on the couch...gently snoring. I waited. Tense. When I was sure he was asleep, I went and got on big socks. Clothes. Sweatshirt. Glasses. Nabbed my phone and put it in my pocket. Got my pillow and blanket and sat in the recliner trying to warm up. I didn't want him to awaken and find me gone and cause a ruckus looking for me. I knew that I wouldn't sleep because I was absolutely freaked by the thought of being awakened by his showing up again. So, I sat. Shaking still. Unable to get warm. Is it shock? Why is it that run ins with him rob me of the ability to keep warm? He awoke just after four and realized that I was in the chair by the pallet. He tried to move there....it is in a spot that would basically "trap" me. I moved quickly and said no...and went back to perch on the little bench. He was angry. He sat on the couch and talked. And still, when I would try to say how I felt...he would discount it. Tell me that I am wrong because he makes mistakes but he doesn't deserve this. That he would NOT give up his marriage. On and on. I could barely breathe. Literally. Like a nightmare. And when I said that I had a right to sleep with whom I choose, meaning alone or with him....he asked "and who ARE you sleeping with"....um. duh. myself. Alone. I mean, I'm there every night. In the living room. No door. No privacy. He KNOWS that. Finally he went to his bed about 5:30. I cried. I longed for a family to go to. A place. He knows that I don't have that. No family. And he also knows that I will never harm my kids. Ever.
I am more than troubled. I can barely sleep. I huddled in that same chair last night...the safe feeling that had taken me so long to cultivate after moving out of our room, destroyed in a matter of hours. But he says that can't be true because I had 500 nights and that one night couldn't make me feel so badly. So he "gave" me last night because I was a basket case. But with the warning that it wouldn't be the norm. That I would not be allowed to sleep alone. I am ill. Literally. And what do I say to anyone? How do I explain when my words are so discounted? When I don't even understand why he terrifies me. Why he hurts me so much.
So, I get to spend today afraid for tonight. Then if tonight I manage to "negotiate" a night, I get to spend the night worrying about the next and the next. And negotiate is the right word. I am expected to greet him FIRST in the morning. I am expected to say thank you. And always you're welcome and not, sure...even if I oten use sure...not in a mean tone of voice. I am expected to not say thank you if he says "I love you"...apparently I'm supposed to repeat the words back. It took me a long time to figure out to say thank you. It's not love. It's.....ownership. It's winning. It's not about me at all. It's about him. What he wants. How he wants things. And the Bible is on his side, I hear. And...I fear. I have not been beaten. He doesn't call me nasty names. He wouldn't. But, he uses words to manipulate. To cause pain. To poke. To belittle.
I am sad. I am hurt. I am troubled. My stomach hurts. But, he says this morning (after I said good morning first) "want some coffee"? As if the world is right. Because after he has his "moment", his scene, his explosion..he will act nicer for a bit. I've lived with this for a long time. How could I not have seen?
But you know what? I am stronger now. I can and will do what I need to do. But I won't act stupidly nor rashly. I will still pray. Though I may not be in the right, I know that God hears. Loves me. Knows me. Cares for me. Even if I am not on the right track, I know He will work patiently to get me there. And not bully me. I know that He will carry me.
Now, I'm going to look for a real job.
grace to you.
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