My family went out the door. I was going out too...albeit it the grocery store and not the church. But, they walked out first. So, I sat down in my easy chair with the sun blazing through the window on this cold day. And I thought that perhaps I could just take a wee bit of time to enjoy it.
This morning I laid in "bed" for awhile. While I was awake. It was so nice. Just stretching and thinking and allowing myself time to wake up. Felt really good.
I get too little time that is stress free. This, I know. I have spent most of my marriage wondering when the next trouble is coming. When I'm going to disappoint him. How I'm not going to be pleasing. It has been incredibly stressful for many many years. YET, today as I was doing a little primping, I had one of those great moments. One of those moments that lift you up and make you feel proud and happy. I realized that I have shielded my kids from the stress fairly well. Not perfectly by any means. But that it hasn't messed them up completely. Maybe some. Of course. We all have to gather our childhood baggage. ;) But they are nice people. They are coping. Each in his/her own way. And I'm so thankful to God that I carried the burden. That I took the crap. That I was the one that was "in trouble". Until they got older. Of course now, they are old enough to verbalize and figure out what they want and who they respect. Our one son sadly has very little respect for his dad. It's too bad. Another won't drive much to this day because of his father's bad behavior. I couldn't fix those things. However, I did hold onto them. I did love them through. And they are ok. And am I willing to tell him to back off? Yep. For them. And for me, I am willing to live rather quietly without battles. Without conflict. Together but not....to keep the kids in the best environment I can at this point.
So, yes, I woke up on a pallet on the floor. As I have for over a year. Except for when I move to the couch. But, I don't feel so badly anymore. I feel proud. I feel a sense of accomplishment. My kids are getting grown. There are fewer battles because I don't engage. So, they get peace. Peace is lovely.
Can't say that I don't live in tension. But, mostly that is mine alone. And for that I am also thankful.
So here's to quiet mornings to enjoy the sunshine, safe from the cold outdoor temperatures. Just like my life. It gets cold, but the Son can warm me up. Shine on me. Make me smile again.
grace to you.
This morning I laid in "bed" for awhile. While I was awake. It was so nice. Just stretching and thinking and allowing myself time to wake up. Felt really good.
I get too little time that is stress free. This, I know. I have spent most of my marriage wondering when the next trouble is coming. When I'm going to disappoint him. How I'm not going to be pleasing. It has been incredibly stressful for many many years. YET, today as I was doing a little primping, I had one of those great moments. One of those moments that lift you up and make you feel proud and happy. I realized that I have shielded my kids from the stress fairly well. Not perfectly by any means. But that it hasn't messed them up completely. Maybe some. Of course. We all have to gather our childhood baggage. ;) But they are nice people. They are coping. Each in his/her own way. And I'm so thankful to God that I carried the burden. That I took the crap. That I was the one that was "in trouble". Until they got older. Of course now, they are old enough to verbalize and figure out what they want and who they respect. Our one son sadly has very little respect for his dad. It's too bad. Another won't drive much to this day because of his father's bad behavior. I couldn't fix those things. However, I did hold onto them. I did love them through. And they are ok. And am I willing to tell him to back off? Yep. For them. And for me, I am willing to live rather quietly without battles. Without conflict. Together but not....to keep the kids in the best environment I can at this point.
So, yes, I woke up on a pallet on the floor. As I have for over a year. Except for when I move to the couch. But, I don't feel so badly anymore. I feel proud. I feel a sense of accomplishment. My kids are getting grown. There are fewer battles because I don't engage. So, they get peace. Peace is lovely.
Can't say that I don't live in tension. But, mostly that is mine alone. And for that I am also thankful.
So here's to quiet mornings to enjoy the sunshine, safe from the cold outdoor temperatures. Just like my life. It gets cold, but the Son can warm me up. Shine on me. Make me smile again.
grace to you.
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