Went online to look for sub jobs as well as Craigslist for work. I found four times that I have been requested already in January!!! That made me happy. A blessing in the midst of it all. Gotta work. Guess I will find something good.
Found a clerical job, but I have to go in person and I can't really get away right now...he's home all week. Adding to my horrific stress. I want to sleep............pull a blankie over my head and be out for the count. But I don't feel safe enough to sleep. So, I am super tired.
Coffee won't do the trick...tummy too upset to drink it. So, I am sitting her. Looking around at so much that I want to do...and simply....depressed. And yet, knowing that I need to give myself time and that I'll be able to make it. I can do it. Because as crazy as he makes me feel...I know finally...I am not. And what he did backfired for him in the BIG picture....because it is strengthening, not weakening my resolve. It is clarifying the exact reasons that I began this process in the first place. And while I may be reduced to negotiating temporarily, not forever. He made a mistake....he attacked a wounded mama. He covered manipulation and selfishness up with spiritual "truth" in order to make me feel badly...and, it does....but I no longer trust him. And he can't bring back trust by threatening me.
My friend recently had a doorknob replaced that was really difficult to use. It would stick and not turn. You had to fight with it to get it to open. The doorknob got replaced, but the same people were opening it.....sssooo....it got pulled off. The people using the door expected it to be difficult to use. They treated it as they had the previous doorknob...but what used to work didn't anymore. What used to work for my husband with me doesn't work anymore. I refuse to simply be the victim. I might be today. Yesterday. I might need to lick my owies and curl up and cry and find a safe place to be. But he is meeting a new "doorknob." He failed to adjust his tactics.
grace to you.
Found a clerical job, but I have to go in person and I can't really get away right now...he's home all week. Adding to my horrific stress. I want to sleep............pull a blankie over my head and be out for the count. But I don't feel safe enough to sleep. So, I am super tired.
Coffee won't do the trick...tummy too upset to drink it. So, I am sitting her. Looking around at so much that I want to do...and simply....depressed. And yet, knowing that I need to give myself time and that I'll be able to make it. I can do it. Because as crazy as he makes me feel...I know finally...I am not. And what he did backfired for him in the BIG picture....because it is strengthening, not weakening my resolve. It is clarifying the exact reasons that I began this process in the first place. And while I may be reduced to negotiating temporarily, not forever. He made a mistake....he attacked a wounded mama. He covered manipulation and selfishness up with spiritual "truth" in order to make me feel badly...and, it does....but I no longer trust him. And he can't bring back trust by threatening me.
My friend recently had a doorknob replaced that was really difficult to use. It would stick and not turn. You had to fight with it to get it to open. The doorknob got replaced, but the same people were opening it.....sssooo....it got pulled off. The people using the door expected it to be difficult to use. They treated it as they had the previous doorknob...but what used to work didn't anymore. What used to work for my husband with me doesn't work anymore. I refuse to simply be the victim. I might be today. Yesterday. I might need to lick my owies and curl up and cry and find a safe place to be. But he is meeting a new "doorknob." He failed to adjust his tactics.
grace to you.
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