Choose what to believe

Changes

The whole suicide thing right at the end of my street has really had me thinking about life.  And about how to CHANGE life.  I think that sometimes it seems easier to END life than to change it.  But, not really.  Because it takes away the one thing that the world needs...you.  It's not just that you DO things.  Or ACCOMPLISH things.  Or are POPULAR.  Or make a lot of MONEY."
Perhaps it's your relationships you feel you need to change.  With your....kids, parents, spouse, business associates, boss, significant other, friends.  Or perhaps it is your circumstances.....job, dwelling place, state, car situation, drinking, drugs.  All of the things I've listed can need change.  Can need HUGE change.  But, that's not where your focus should be.  Because the biggest focus of all, especially when you are overwhelmed and depressed should be....yourself.  I know, it's not the norm to say that.  It's true that getting your mind off of your problems by getting involved in the outside world is ALSO very helpful.  It is therapeutic.  What I'm talking about is where to put your problem solving energy.  It seems as if so many people put all of the energy into obsessing about huge circumstances or relationships that are going or have gone wrong.  They want to change them.  They want to fix the problem.  The thing is that you are only able to change one part of the equation.....YOURSELF.
I am not advocating self centeredness.  I am advocating putting energy and resources toward something that you can actually affect.  If you feel like a victim, change it.  If you feel wronged, do something about it.  Nope, not with the other person.  Start with you.  With your feelings.  With your health.  With your hopes.  With who you WANT to be.  Look closely.  See who you ACTUALLY are.  Then, be nice to yourself.  Love yourself right there.  You have purpose.  You have ability.  If there are parts you don't like then set about either changing them or embracing them.  You either have to change HOW you are or how you FEEL about how you are.  For instance, if you are 20 pounds overweight, you either set about changing that or learning to love how you are.  If you want to change it, I don't recommend a full out change everything at once diet.  Do one thing at a time.  Add exercise.  A couple days a week.  Then three or four days.  Then add some fruit and veggies.  Don't think about what not to eat....just also put in the good.  Drink at least a gallon of water a day.  Eat some good stuff.  Make sure you get plenty of protein.  Stay away from things that are labelled "diet".  Instead just make better choices.  Have nuts.  Fruits.  Fruit or veggie smoothies.  Enjoy a protein drink.  Have and Inta' Juice.  Drink tea.  Eat yogurt.  Do things that you CAN do.  When I've done this, there comes a moment when I realize that I prefer the stuff that is making me feel better.  My desire to eat crap diminishes.  But, if I want some....I have it.
Or maybe you have a temper.  Start by learning to say you are sorry.  Every time.  And, learn to direct your frustrations somewhere else.  Like....again....exercise.  I am not meaning classes or anything too hard.  I mean....take a walk, ride a bike, do some situps and push ups.  Keep it simple.  Do what you like.  Go dancing.  Join a volleyball group at a church.  Play basketball with the kids.  Play soccer.  Walk the dog.  Run behind the stroller.  Whatever it is that gets your heart pumping and the endorphines flowing.  What you do won't look like what anyone else does.  Get over it.  Do YOUR thing.  Again...focus on you getting better.  Become the person you want to be.
Or maybe you are lazy.  I know, right?  Make a goal for each day.  A little something.  Clean out a drawer.  Write a letter.  Do one thing.  Then after awhile....make it two.  Things that keep you from the tv and get you doing the things that are important to you.  When depressed, this is hard to do.  Trust me...one little thing each day is a big step.  If you miss a day.  If you GASP....fail....don't sweat it...there's tomorrow to try again.  That's the lovely thing about choosing to live....you get to keep trying.
While you are focusing on you, something kind of amazing happens.  It's like a miracle without any intervention.  The other things in life seem to change.  But, they don't.  It's YOU that changes.  And the more you change, the more power you gain to make more changes.  To make DECISIONS that effect you.  To do the things that are important within circumstances and relationships.  Sometimes it means making really hard choices.  But as you grow stronger....you are able to.
Yes, changes ARE needed.  Life seems a mess.  Don't start with the messes.  Start with you.  It's the one part of the mess that you can actually make a difference in.
grace to you.

Who You Hang With Matters

I saw this today and it reminded me again how much it matters who we choose to really hang out with.  To truly give our time to.  Not that we don't have those in our circle who don't believe in us or who are less positive, but we don't let them into the inner circle of our hearts.  Because those we hang with help to create what we try to do or actually do.....or don't.  I've been with people that either make it a fight or who simply belittle so much that it's not worth trying.  But, I have learned a sweet lesson:  those who really care already see me as greatly successful!  They are simply waiting for others to discover me.  What a concept.  I LOVE it.  Be cautious.  Be wise.  Those you are around form who you will become....or fail to become.
grace to you.

Suicide

Death by semi. Apparently you can research it.  Learn all about it.  Do it.  Nothing like online lessons in how to kill yourself.  The thing is that I can understand the darkness that can consume.  I have heard those taunting voices.  I KNOW how it feels.  Not for a long time now, but I will NEVER forget.  I have experienced the hopelessness.  The wanting to quit being a burden or at fault.  The sense of constant darkness pulling.  HOWEVER.  Yes, I am shouting it....HOWEVER....if a person should choose to end her life, why would she want to make one more person suffer?  Why make someone on the outside responsible for her death for the rest of his life?  It happened this week at the end of my street.  Death by semi.  She researched it.  She was out of the mental hospital for the holidays.  She stepped in front of the semi at the last minute.  She could have lived.  It's only a block before a traffic light on a state highway.  Traffic is slowing down by then.  But, she didn't.  And, her family.  Her friends.  Her caregivers.  Everyone is suffering.  They cared about her.  But, now she has drawn in a trucking company, the driver and his family.  How will that driver continue with his career?  How will he heal?  What can possibly take away the trauma of ending someone's life by accident?  No fault of his.  Yet, still all of the pain.
I'm sorry, but on my worst day, I wouldn't have killed myself in anyway that ruined more people's lives.  As if that's possible, I know.  I get that she probably felt her family would be "better off".  But, to pull outsiders in is simply a selfish act on top of a selfish act.
I am sad for her.  For her family.  For those who dearly loved her.  Who tried to help her.  But, I am also deeply sad for someone who was pulled into the trauma unwittingly.  Who will have his life changed forever.  The thing is.....she was only 22.  So much changes.  Life changes.  We change.  I'm in my forties now.  I've changed so much.  And expect to change just as much before my sixties....and then my eighties.
Sometimes suicide feels like a kind option.  Our thinking gets all messed up.  It just feels like it would be such a relief to have it be over.  And for the person that dies, I guess that's true.  No responsibility.  No more pain. No recriminations.  But for those left to deal with it.......it's cancerous.  They always second guess themselves and wish they had done things differently.  Even if they did everything possible.  And, they have to deal with it in a lonely fashion because people don't know how to talk about it.  Suicide is NOT a good option.  I found my way out of the darkness because a friend came looking for me with a nice bright light.  And didn't try to cheer me up.  Simply loved me.  Told me the truth.  Walked with me.  Heard me.  Made me a tape of her singing silly music.  And for some reason....I chose to believe her.  For that I am thankful.  Mostly because I would rather hurt for ten decades than to hurt my kids for one moment.  I thought that I would be helping them.  What a crock.  Thought my husband would finally be happy.  It wouldn't have helped.  There are other ways "out".  The truth is the best door.  Finding what anger it is that has been turned inward on the self.....a huge cause of depression....and dealing with it.  Truthfully.  In the light.
I can't help this girl.  But I long to tell each of you:  no matter how hard, hear me.....YOU ARE LOVED AND NEEDED.  Even if you don't see it right now.  Vision changes with time and experiences.  It's ok to get out of a situation, but please, don't get out of life.  I'm praying for you.  For a light.  And a person that you decide to believe.
grace to you.

Easy

Turns out that I'm easy.  No, not that way.  But, for so many years I have felt like I'm difficult.  Like what I need is just too much.  Like I'm too much trouble.  Like I'm in the way.
But, lately, I've come to realize....I'm pretty easy.  Easy to please.  Easy to feed.  Easy to amuse.  I am not high maintenance.  How I came to feel so much like I was a problem is a part of my story.  It's way too easy to get involved in marriage and how to make it work and completely miss the fact that the WHOLE purpose isn't just to get by.  It's to get better.  To make better.  To grow.  To learn.  To fly.  To add to the value of the other as well as to yourself.  And to get that in return.
I feel like life is just beginning again.  Like I'm just learning to enjoy each day again.  Like I'm remembering how very GOOD life is.
I am easy.  I need to remember that it's not all my fault.  It is true that I'm not what he wants.  But that doesn't mean that who I am isn't worth wanting.
grace to you.

Reflections

Lots of thinking time today.  A good thing.  I have had lots of time to think about my marriage.  To realize that if my husband had decided ten years ago that I was worth it then I would have been able to just pick up and go on.  Or if he had decided four years ago when I absolutely begged him, I would have worked my butt off to make it alright.  And even up to that last breaking point day....I was always willing.  Always wanting to try.  Always wanting to help him.  Always wanting to meet his needs.  Even when he told me that it was easier for me to talk to my friends about things than to talk to him....that he doesn't like to talk about things more than once....not our relationship, just life stuff.  Even after he told me he wouldn't give me access to any of his money. Stood ready to cut up the credit card.  Even after he told me he was ashamed.  Even after he used me instead of making me feel special....physically.  Even after he chose his mother and family over me time after time.  Even after he treated our kids as if they weren't good enough.  So many things, but I really wanted to get past it all.  But, until I "moved out" of the room.  Until he realized that I really would do what I needed to do, he never did anything at all to help make it better.  He would only apologize if it had been hours of horrific word games and then his apology would come in the form of degrading himself to make me feel badly for him.  And finally.......at long last.....I decided that I needed to get healthy.  That I needed to learn how to really live. And that has been the path I've chosen.  Sadly, I'm not interested or in need of apologies or even remorse.  I'm glad if they are there.  That is good.  However, they effect me little now.  I know that it sounds harsh.  It's not that I don't desire to be kind.  It's just that I have had to guard my heart.  Literally.  Because I nearly lost everything.  Because I gave everything.  And that is good.  When the person or people are trustworthy with who you are.  But in this case, he is not.  So, though I know what he WANTS, I don't see that he has changed at all to see what I want or need.  He is sorry so that he can have back what I was to him.  Not so that he can help to make my life more wonderful.
I don't mean it in a selfish way.  I don't require much.  However, going back to how it was is simply not an option.  Ever.  Because it is demeaning.  What I had to do to make it work made me feel like a prostitute.  And marriage shouldn't be like that.  I do forgive.  It's just that.......I've mourned, cried, and moved on.  My heart needs to get stronger.  Without having to fix life for him.  I can and do forgive.  But not how he wishes.  But, finally I've learned......life isn't all about him.  And, how he feels and lives is his choice.  And how I feel and live is my choice.  I can't fix life for him.  I can't make him stronger.  I can't make him care.  I might help to change how he behaves, but it has never changed the core....and the core of who he is says that he is better.  Maybe he is.  I'm not really sure.  Probably it's true.  But I don't want to spend my life owing someone for condescending to be with me though I was lesser.  I don't want to spend any more of my life knowing that commitment is the reason he has to remain.  I want to be with people who can't imagine their lives without me.  Who love to make my life beautiful and happy without me having to fight for it.  I was strong and able to fight for it for a long time.  But after awhile, I just couldn't anymore.  I want to LIVE.  And I am thinking that all that I know will find me incredibly selfish.
It's just that I've finally found some sense.  Some peace.  Some meaning.  Joy.  Like stepping into the light.  And I don't want to go back.  It terrifies me.
grace to you.

The Blues

Someone died today.  I mean, someone dies every day.  Every minute.  Every second.  But, this death occurred on my street.  Literally.  Someone was hit by a semi at my intersection.  And though I don't even know who it was yet, my heart has been crying out.  For the changes that will occur in that family.  For the pain.  For the loss.  For the one who was driving the semi.  So much hurt.
I think that seeing my mom's car accident on tv somehow changed me.  I have a really hard time with car accidents.  Especially fatalities.  I know that they occur.  I know that it doesn't actually effect my life.  Yet, when I witness it....it does.  Tremendously.  I want to weep today.  But, instead, I can't even tell people how painful this is for me.  It's strange.  I DO know that.  But, strange or not, it's not something that I can change.  I have tried.  I can't remove myself from what I understand so deeply.  That someone got a call or a visit completely out of the blue.  That their mother/daughter/sister/friend is not coming back.  Someone is going to the morgue.  Someone is calling the family.  Someone has had to contact the mortuary.  The impact is immense.  And nobody was ready for it.  As unexpected as a cannon blowing a cannon ball through our living room.  Yea, it can happen....but generally it doesn't.
I am not unable to function.  I am not morose.  I am simply blue.  Sad.  I empathize.  Most people can't.....I guess that is the difference.  I am unable not to because I've been there.  And once you've been there, you never forget.  Even if you think that you have.  It stays forever in the memory.  Stored in my very cells.  Loss. Deep.  Tangible.  Painful.  Too soon.
So, I pray.  For all of these people I don't even know.  And never will.  Because they need to know that they are not alone.
grace to you.

Where Does Hope Come From

I often wonder why I hope.  Why I keep believing that happiness and joy and peace are possible.  I've lived a pretty rough life.  I have "paid my dues."  It hasn't been easy to do so.  Yet, something within me always springs up and......HOPES!  Courageously.  Furiously.  Continuously.  Amazingly.  And I don't know why.
I am no spiritual giant by any standard.  I have a simple trust in a God so big and so amazing that I have no expectation of ever fully understanding Him.  I am ok with that.  I am ok with simply getting to bask in His presence.  Of trusting that though I don't get it...He does.
I hope not because I am an giant, but because I realize my smallness.  I hope because I am very aware that I am not in charge.  I hope because my hopes have been realized.  I have found goodness.  Kindness.  Gentleness.  Peace.  I hope because though life has been hard, it has never been insurmountable.  Because I am carried.  Joyously so.
The hope comes from God Himself.  He infuses my soul with Himself.  With peace.  With joy.  With hope.  And even when the world totally sucks, I absolutely KNOW that there is a tomorrow.  And that He says that I'm worth it.
I'm having a really rough day.  So today, I am very thankful for hope.
grace to you.

Value

Words have value to me.  Writing.  Speaking.  Even thoughts.  I love words.  They separate us from other living creatures.  But today I hated words.  This morning I got a note.  A note that had been placed very near me as I slept.  Which truly freaked me out.  And the words made me ill.  I guess that they were kind.  I can't fault the intention.  But the term was used "to win you back"....and I cringed.  Because the bottom line is that it is never about me or helping me or finding how to bring me joy.  But he has to win.  Has to have his way.  Wants to say he's sorry.  I get that.  I appreciate that.  But, how many times can I say that my whole life can't revolve around simply his existence?  Finally, recently, I have thought that I can survive.  Maybe even thrive.  I have felt....dare I say it?  Happiness spring to life.  I have felt lighter and as if I am emerging from a horrible time.  And I know that I'm supposed to be forgiving.  I feel like I have forgiven.  I'm just not willing to do it all over again.  It's painful.  Awfully so.  I want to ask, "sorry for what exactly?"  And, how does it change MY life?  But, I know it's selfish sounding.  It simply always comes down to what he wants and how he wants it.  In every aspect of life.  Timely, since he will be wanting me to accompany him to all of his bible study and men's group and work parties in this holiday season.  Not interested.  At all.  I really need to heal.  Really heal.
grace to you.

Believer

I am a true believer.  I am one who absolutely believes that things can come true.  I believe because of who I am.  Who I was created to be.  I believe because of what I have seen in my lifetime.  No desire is too big.  No hope out of reach.  Not if it's REAL.  Not from someone else.  But yours.  In the very depths of your heart.  Because God made us like Him.  With vision.  And, the Bible says that a people without a vision perish.  We are CREATED to hope.  To believe.  To see what isn't yet.  To be creators within our lives.
I believe deeply.  For myself.  For others.  I see the potential when others only see the impossibility.  I am not naive.  Well, on some fronts, maybe....but, I know how hard and how painful and how unlikely things can seem.  But I believe in pushing for what is huge and wonderful and would take a miracle to achieve.  Because......I believe in miracles.  In things that can't be explained away.  That happen when they shouldn't.
I believe that living involves more than simply showing up and falling into a rut.  That's existing.  Living is looking inward and finding that unique piece inside and doing everything in the world to let it shine.  To give that unique piece of yourself to the world.
I am a believer in getting back up.  Some people say things are impossible.  And they are.  If you stay down when you fall.  If you give up when you get hurt.  If you think that a challenge means the end.  If you forget that playing is part of the work.  If you lose sight of how to laugh.
I believe that failure is impossible for people who live fully and full out.  Not because they will achieve all of their goals, but because while pursuing their GOALS, they will totally achieve their PURPOSE.   
I believe that each person has a purpose.  Their very own.  To help.  To grow.  To test.  To love.  To challenge.  Whatever it is, the world is not complete without it.
I believe that too many people are trying to fit into too many other peoples clothes....and they look stupid.  Because they were meant for their own outfits, own style.  They spend an entire lifetime not living their own lives but trying to fit their desires into other peoples plans, goals, desires, hopes.
I believe that YOU have a unique, personal and very important purpose on this earth.  And I believe that you may never even find out what it was.  However, I also believe that if you live your life pursuing good and doing that which brings you absolute joy......then it will be accomplished.  Even if you never saw what it was.
We are so destination oriented as a culture that we have forgotten the beauty and necessity of the journey.  Our journey IS our story.  It is the only legacy that we leave.
grace to you.

Functioning

I still just don't function right when my husband is in the house.  On edge.  Shaky.  Oh, I'm much better...I CHOOSE to be better.  But, I still escape to books and electronics and don't face trying to do what I want to do.  I still simply leave under the guise of something I need to get done...which, I usually do have, but making it take longer has become an art form.  A trip to the store means I am sure to take a book to read in the parking lot.  Any errand can be extended. 
So, I'm functioning so much better than I was, but still not complete.  I can't be me.  And, this morning I feel that icky headache gathering.  It has been stressful.  However, I had a great night's sleep.  Fabulous.  I want to do what I want to do.  What I need to do.  But, I have kept my painting stuff out for six weeks without using it again....or more.  Because the last time I did it, he was out of town. 
I don't know how to make it all better, so I am focusing on making me better.  Whole.  Strong.  Peaceful.  A little at a time.  He powerfully takes that away though.  Does things intended to make me feel small.  But I am learning that it is my choice how to feel.  When something hurts, I need to evaluate the intent behind it.  Some hurts are good and some are not.  Some come from those who have my best interest at heart and some do not.  I must be wise and not fall under every little hurtful thing.  And yet.....isn't it terrible that the one I work hardest to protect my heart from is the one I thought I would spend all of my life loving and being safe with?  How did I so miss the signs?  The indicators that he is indeed about him? 
He's not an awful man.  Meet him on the street or at a party and he's quite nice.  He's funny.  He's smart.  He's a hard worker.  But there's this part that I know all too well that terrifies me.  Reserved for keeping me feeling less than enough so that I keep the status quo.  So that I don't see that maybe there is so much more.  What he doesn't get is that I have finally realized.  I see.  And I am being kind.  I am allowing him to stay.  I made a CHOICE.  I am not being tricked anymore.  I am allowing it because at the moment it is better for all to live in truth but not to separate.  I don't want my kids in the middle of a battle.  And, I don't want him to go having to give me money for them or me.  As it is now, he would have to pay child support.  I don't want it.  I want to figure it all out and be wise.  I want to prayerfully go forward.  But, I only began to heal when I decided that I did NOT have to nor intend to spend the rest of my life under this mess. 
So, I guess that I am functioning.  Though it is with difficulty sometimes.  I am growing.  I am learning how to be cared for by others.  Learning to tell my story.  To teach the young what to look for.  That's important to me. 
I'm learning that I am NOT alone.  Not just because of God, but because He sends so many wonderful people into my life to learn from and to love.  And.....who actually love me and meet my heart needs without any fuss.  For that I am incredibly thankful.
And you are not alone either.  Though it feels like it sometimes.  I know how it feels.  You are in my heart.  I am praying for you.  Helping to carry your burden.
grace to you.

Relaxed

There are very few times in life that I can say that I was totally relaxed.  Absolutely at peace.  Not trying to be enough.  Not trying to do it right.  Just completely emptied of trying or striving and just being.  That is how I am tonight.  And that is comforting.  Relaxed to my ear lobes.  At peace.  And here I sit just reveling in the sense of well being.  I know that it fades.  I know that pain and strife and troubles come.  But, for one evening to feel that sense....it's so.....simply good.  It's like closing my eyes on a swing and feeling the to and fro rock me gently into calmness.
Perhaps I should figure out how to have more of life be so.  Tonight was a very good night.  A blessing.  A help. Because the happy moments way overshadow the difficult ones.  They linger in the soul.
I choose good.  I choose peace.  I choose to love and give.  I choose to know that I am loved.  I choose to live hope.  I hope that you find some of those moments and glory in them.  Turn them over and over in your heart and cherish them in your soul.  Because those moments are not a luxury.  They are a gift.  Because you are loved.
grace to you.

Black Friday

I wasn't going.  Nope.  Hunkered down at my computer to while away the hours.  Tired.  Ready for rest.  But, some little  part of me....felt like I should. Like it was practically irresponsible to let it simply go by.  But, I pushed the guilt aside and began to write.  But then, someone else needed me to pick something up at wally world.  So, I agreed immediately.  Hesitating only long enough to wash my face and put on shoes......I was out the door.  Just for a quick pick up.  Sure.  I got what I needed.  Got something else too.  And then, the call came from my son regarding the computer he was looking for.  And, could I "just look" for him.  So, Wally World, Best Buy, Target, Radio Shack....with a very quick interlude at Hobby Lobby.  That was my not doing Black Friday day!!  And, it was fun.  It was good.  A little more overwhelming than one would think, but very good.  Son has laptop.  Friend has a gift.  I have my sanity.  And, I still enjoyed my day.
All of that to explain how my plans are never the way things actually happen.  Well, maybe occasionally.  But not usually.  And a good thing about me is that I adapt and am flexible.  I am able to enjoy another thing as much as what I planned.  Usually.  I think that it's important to realize that life doesn't always fall smoothly.  It's not always what I want or desire.  Or thought I wanted.  But, just because I didn't realize it, doesn't mean that something that I didn't think of can't be just as good...or better.
Today there are two very happy teens in the world.  And all it took was a few hours and a few lines.  I gave lots of smiles and thank yous.  It was worth it.
I need to remember that about all parts of my life.  That many things can make me happy.  Don't stubbornly hold onto my ideal.
grace to you.

Rituals

You know, I used to have rituals.  Things I did every night.  Got ready for bed.  Things I did that were for me.  Somehow, getting married took all of those away.  I didn't even realize it until today.  Well, maybe I did, but I didn't put it in conscious thought.  But, today as I was putting away my bedding, I realized that it is comforting to me at night to "get ready" for bed.  To have time to get ready for resting.  I have to put out my bedding now.  And, since I'm having headaches, I have various things that I make sure are nearby for my convenience.  Having the time to wind down.  It's really necessary for me.  Not always.  Like everyone, sometimes I just CRASH.  But, overall, it feels good to give myself this kind of time again.
I am learning to rest.  To enjoy the moment.  To not constantly worry about what the consequences will be.  Because I can't do anything to change how someone else will behave.  Period.
Silly rituals.  Fun things that I do.  Things that are me.  I'm remembering this woman that I like.  She was fun to be with.  I think I'll be loving getting to know her again.  And these rituals help me in that.  I allowed myself to become someone other than the woman I admired.  That's a mistake.  Huge.
Now, time for some reading.  Bedding out.  Caffeinated beverage placed nearby.  Ready to rest.  In my own time.  I had to have time to just be alone tonight.  To write.  To enjoy the the quiet.  That's something else I'm coming back to.  That woman that I was deserved more than I gave her.  I'm going to do better from here on out.
grace to you.

Giving Thanks

My heart fills with thankfulness.  I am easy to please.  Easy to amuse as well.  I like to be thankful.  It is so freeing. The list is much like everyone else's.  Food.  Friends.  Family.  Faith.  Financial blessings.  The five f's if you will.....the ones that everyone enumerates every year.  But I am thankful for the parking spot that comes available up close just when I need it because I am so worn out that I can barely take another step.  I am thankful for the smile from a friend that makes life ok in the midst of pain and sadness.  I am thankful for a sense of belonging in this great big and often lonely world.  I am thankful that the sun came up.  That I woke up.  That I can walk.  That I have smiles to give.  I am thankful for the pains of raising children ans seeing God's glory as He molds them and shapes them.  I am thankful for learning how to get out of His way.  I am thankful for people that I'll never be best friends with but who change my life and make me feel hopeful.  I am thankful for babies and the special gift that is to the young parents coming behind.  I am thankful for a legacy to pass on.  I am thankful for truth.  For being able to face it with courage AND for the strength to not fall.  I am thankful for where I am in life.  This exact place.  Though it is less than comfortable.  I am thankful that I am learning.  Leaning.  Growing.  Hoping.  Believing.  Blessing.  I am thankful for the people in my life that have loved me through being quite the butthead at times.  I am thankful for my angel dog that has come into my life.....some think he's a demon, but for me he is like a breath of fresh air.  I am thankful for the bright blue kind of sky that is typical of my home state.  I am thankful for snow.  For flowers.  For flamingoes that make me smile every time I see them.  I am thankful for ice packs.  And for pain relievers.  I am thankful for memories.  They create a foundation that I stand firm on.  I am thankful for writing.  For the invention of this laptop that brings me so much pleasure.I am thankful to be included in art in life...though I am not artistic.  I am thankful for creativity in all of its forms.  I am thankful for paint.  It brings such newness and freshness.  I am thankful for great pieces of wood that I can play with and make fun things.  I am thankful for kids who play music and sing.  I am thankful for music.  I am thankful for the peace that grips my soul.  I am thankful that I have a friend in the world who opened my eyes to what it was to be steadfast.  I am thankful for family in all of its forms.  For the hard times.  And the easy times.  I am thankful for a good night's sleep....because it is not my normal experience.  I am thankful for any moment that is pain free.  I am thankful for my jiggly belly. I don't know why, but it's just kinda fun to be my age and in my place and not the perfectly toned one.  I might change my mind and do something about it, but for now, I'm comfy.  I am thankful for learning to be comfortable in my own skin.  I am thankful that a year ago I decided to change my life.  And going back and looking at the beginning  of this blog reminds me how difficult it was.  And how good.  I am thankful for this very day and all it will hold.  And for all of the ones I hold in my heart.  My soul overflows with how much goodness there is in the midst of every event and circumstance....if I only bother to look and change my perspective.
I am thankful for YOU.  Because you found this place to read.  To join me on this journey.  To walk along side me, though we don't even know one another.  I am thankful that maybe you know that you are not alone.  You are cared for, prayed for and incredibly precious no matter what your story.  You make a difference in my life.
Grace to you.

Determined

I am determined.  I make choices and work hard to follow through.  Today was Thanksgiving.....two days early!  So much food.  I was literally on my feet for over 8 hours before we ate.  Mercy.  But it was FUN.
Actually, I got up this morning a little stressed.  I usually have the rolls in the freezer ready to be taken out and proofed and the pies made.  Not today.  And, frankly, my house was pretty gnarly.  I cleaned the sink toilet and mirror....not in that order.  Then I didn't have a chance to get back to it at all.  As a matter of fact, when people arrived, I was wearing a flour covered t-shirt, jeans and was barefooted.  No makeup.  Hair up with all of the barrettes that I had found around the house.  I had taken a shower.  Good thing.
But I determined in the morning not to let my experience be affected by the fact that the task of serving a meal for around 25 is pretty daunting....not to mention having the house be tidy enough for people to feel comfortable.  I took a deep breath.  Breathed in Jesus.  Remembered how I want to be hospitable.  How I want people to feel included.  Then, I breathed again.  And, amazingly, I was calmer.  Add to that encouraging words from a friend. Kids who peeled 22 pounds of potatoes!!  And cored and peeled apples for pie.  And ran the little errands.........I was blessed.
I don't know how it was for others.  Don't know if they had a great time.  I know that I did what I set out to do.  Allow people into my life.  Let them enjoy what they desire.  Let them help themselves and be at home.  There were games.  And music.  And wii.  And xbox.  And coffee.  And laughter.  Crazy times.  Fun times.  And those moments of frustration.  That are worth it.  Because you love the people who are there.
And, I managed the husband thing.  Though I wanted to say, "why were you helping while they were here but as soon as they left you quit?"  It's all for show.  Oh well.  Maybe it makes him happy.  I can't say.  I also determined today that I would enjoy fully.  And be present.  Although some things were very uncomfortable.  I was brave.  I am getting stronger.  I am learning.
I am kind.  I am hospitable.  I am able.  I am needy. (it's true....I have to learn to admit that sometimes I simply need someone to encourage me or help me....I'm not an isolationist.)  I am most content in these quiet moments of reflection.  But, the times of total mayhem bring me joy.  And laughter.  I am NOT a conversationalist.  Go figure....I thought I had to be to be hospitable.  But, I don't.  All I have to do is get the people together and let them get going on their own.
I am full of faith.  For so many things.  And hope.  And determination.  I will live my life fully.  With joy.  With peace.  Period.  Nobody gets to take that away.
grace to you.

Off

Off to the store.  To get an electric roaster.  Already looked online so I know what I want. I love that I can do that...price check and compare before I ever enter the hubbub of the shopping world.
And I am off to a busy day.  Today is Thanksgiving for us.  Ok, it IS  a couple of days early, but I am so thankful for all of the people that are coming.  People that I love and hold dear.  And, I also am a foodie, so I'm thankful for the abundance of yumminess that is coming my way too.
There are difficult things.  There have been for years.  But strangely, those things aren't gnawing at my soul like they once did.  I can put them aside.  I can let God do His thing and make me strong enough.  Though I am constantly made to be felt like I'm doing it wrong or not enough.  He took off today I think.  The whole day.  Though the festivities are not until later afternoon.  But, that's his choice.  All I can do is survive it.  And know that I am able to plan and create a meal for a crowd of this size.  I know it because I've done it.  But, every time he has a way of making me feel like I'm simply not doing it the "right" way.  Not clean enough.  Not hot enough.  Not enough room.  Not.....fill in the blank.
But this is MY day to express thankfulness and I am going to choose to focus on what IS.  On what I AM and not what I'm not.  I'm going to choose to allow those who see me to love on me and help me to make it.  And I'm going to let go of what beats me down.  Period.  Let it float away like a big red balloon on a cold day.  Because I get to choose who to be and how to be.
I am loving.  I am kind.  I am supportive.  I am encouraging.  I am a planner.  I am a cook.  I am hospitable.  I am friendly.  I am shy.  Yet, I care.  I am hopeful.  I am faithful.  I am thankful.  I am smart.  I am bossy.  I am gentle.  I am strong.  I am forgiving.  I am scared.  But the scared will diminish as I do the things that I AM.  That I have been created to do and be.  So........I'm off.  Thankful for a night's sleep and the fun and hope that lies before me.
grace to you.

Life Changing

There are many things that I am truly and deeply thankful for.  All of the biggies of course....food, family, Jesus, friends....hahahaha I listed food first.  Kinda tired tonight.  They weren't in order, simply the ones we all think of. But tonight and today I have been thankful for being part of life.  Really participating.  Not waiting for life to happen.  Not allowing myself to sit and mope.  Jumping in.  Today was a very tiring day.  I was up most of the night helping a friend get an order ready for her business.  Time went by, and suddenly it was 3:30 am.  I got home and went to sleep at about 4am.  Then, woke up about 5:30am with a migraine.  Tried to really get back into sleep, but it was hard to fight the headache.  So, I focused on simply relaxing.  Right before 8am, I got up, got dressed, went to the hardware store and cruised back to her house to put the finishing touches on the order. Then, took off for the hour drive to deliver.  Doesn't it sound hideous?  Yet, it was one of my best days.  And nights.  This order was a blessing from God to provide for her family.  She loves her work.  She allowed me to be a part of something amazing.  I know, you're thinking, "well, duh, you are free labor."  I'm not stupid.  I KNOW that.  But today I had an aha moment as I realized that I loved what I was doing.  What I was a part of.  Even though I'm not the inspiration nor the artist's touch.  I have purpose.  I believe.  With a whole heart.  I cheer.  I do the simple stuff.  I help to carry the load.  But it doesn't feel like a load...it feels like a gift.  Included.  That is a gift all of it's own.
On top of seeing God answer prayers, I got to spend the day going to fun places, eating out and just having fun.  I felt so relaxed.  Could be the total lack of sleep, I'm sure.  Hear I am at nearly 10pm awaiting a call from my sons to pick them up.  Tired to the core.  Having 24 people over to eat tomorrow...early Thanksgiving.  I think that I should be stressed.  Have a lot of cooking to do.  Trying to figure out the oven.  Pies take an hour at least.....times four.  I make eight.  Rolls.  Turkey, of course.  But, it'll all be fine.  I did a little tonight.  I just want people to have a relaxed, fun day where they feel absolutely welcome.  Loved.  Included.....yep, I want to pass that feeling along.  Because it made me feel so thankful.  Nearly teary in the happy kind of way.  I think that maybe a lot of people just want to be a part.  To be included.  To feel like they are important and wanted.  It's life changing.  Yep, I want to pass it on.
grace to you.

Matt Redman: Never Once - Official Lyric Video

On Time

Being able to do things depends on the timing.  Trying to force myself to do things that I'm absolutely not ready to do simply causes stress, worry and pain.  But, waiting for the right time brings joy.  I went to church today.  It was hard.  But, it was time.  I walked out the door and I went to the car.  I got to the church and parked the car. I walked in the building.  I got a bulletin.  I walked up and sat down.  Near my family.  And I stayed.  For the first time in a long time....actually stayed.  Actually was able to worship.  It was good.  And very hard.
I remember when I was taking swimming lessons.  The final test was to be able to jump off of the diving board.  The tall one.  I was terrified.  I was trying every day during free swim.  Climb up the steps.  Back down.  Climb up the steps, begin to walk....turn around and go back down.  Climb up the steps, walk to the end, turn around and climb back down.  Climb up the steps, walk to the end, peer down, bounce a bit....turn around and climb back down.  Climb the steps, walk to the end, don't look at all.......jump.   It took me a lot of time to get the courage to do it.  No matter the humility of climbing back down, I just wasn't ready.  It took baby steps to prepare me.  Nobody could convince me.  Nobody else could overcome my fear.  Nobody could reason with me that it wasn't going to kill me because it hadn't killed any of those other kids jumping......I just needed to get ready.  It needed to be the right time.
My life is "on time"...not by the world's clock, but by what God has planned for me.  And I am learning to trust that.  Learning to lean on Him and not suppose that He expects what people expect.  And to trust His love and capabilities fully.  I went back to church today.  And it was right on time.  I needed to grow strong.  To grow in faith.  To know again that I had value.  I had truly forgotten.  Nobody knows how deeply and horribly I've suffered with that.  And, I guess that I don't have to let them know.  Maybe someday.  But for today, I will just revel in God's goodness to me.  I did it.  In Him.  I am courageously hopeful.
grace to you.

Thankful

This year I am ever so thankful.  Most would probably think that this has been my worst year.  In reality, it has been a much better year.  No, not easy by any means.  But, not living trying to hold it all together.  Not responsible for the behavior or choices of another.  And, for the first year in a very long time.......a sense of peace.  Of well being.  Not that it's all settled.  Not that everything is ok.  But that I am able and capable to make decisions.  That, in turn, is helping my kids.  One son particularly is finally relaxing again.  Talking again.  Praying.  Finding HIS way.  I am thankful that God is leading...and that in showing me how to find my way, He is showing how he can lead my kids too.  Back to a real world.  That it doesn't have to be fake "goodness" in order to please Him.  That He takes us right where we are.  I am thankful.  For hope.  For guidance.  For work.  For dreams.  Real dreams.  Real hopes.  And that my faith is growing.  Not in the way that others might measure it.  I don't look like a spiritual giant.  I don't need to.  Because I have a GIANT God who doesn't need me to handle things.  Just trust.  Have faith.  I am thankful for the gift of faith.  I am thankful for writing.  For the ministry it is to my heart.  For the encouragement of all of the people who have read and maybe are reading because they have found a "place" that they don't feel so alone.  For the first time in two DECADES I finally feel like my story is important.  That maybe it can help others to be strong.  To have hope.  I am thankful that I am His beloved.  As horribly hopeless as I can appear, He just keeps holding onto me.  And I am thankful that after 46 years I finally realized that it's not ME having to do the holding on...He's perfectly able.  I am thankful that I have true friends.  Who love me.  Period.  Not "when" not "if" not "because".  For some inexplicable reason.  Just a gift.  I am thankful that I am genuinely thankful and not having to TRY to be thankful.  Not having to TRY to focus on the good things.  Because they are coming back into focus.  I don't live in constant dread every day.  Nor anger.  Nor bitterness.
And I am thankful.  I won't get up at any special services and share how deeply thankful I am.....it wouldn't be appropriate and it might really hurt some people.  But, in my soul, I revel at the goodness the Lord has shown to me.  How He is changing me.  And.....that His love is casting out fear.  I had forgotten how to just let Him love me.  It is good.  Very good.
grace to you.

Private Property

Sometimes it seems that people....perhaps especially women?......allow trespassers to roam around in their minds and hearts.  Those who are uninvited.  Who need to move  on or move out.  Who need to not take up the time and trouble that it takes to clean up and get ready for them....like they are welcomed guests.
Some people are not worth entertaining in the deep parts of our lives.  Sure, we interact with them.  We can even care for them.  But they are like poachers......they shouldn't be allowed to roam within our minds and hearts.  Because they do harm.  They seek to destroy.  They don't take care.  They don't take an interest.  They simply want to be there to prove that they can be.  To do as they please.  They aren't the sorts that are bringing in joy, wonder and happiness.  They are the ones that cause the bad dreams, the uncomfortable feelings, the heartache, the sadness.
So, maybe it's time for us to post no trespassing signs on our minds.  Figuratively of course.  Reminding ourselves to guard our hearts.  And to keep those out who seek to destroy hope, peace and joy.
It's not only a right...it's a responsibility.  Can't function when we allow others to steal who we are and who we are meant to be.  We've got to get them (and their ideas) out of our heads.
Think I need to go make a sign...
grace to you.

Investments

I have been thinking a lot about the parable of the talents.  You know, the master gives each servant a certain amount of talents and tells them that he will be back in a year to see what they have done with them.  I know that "talents" was a term of money.  But, I think of it as so many more things as well.  Time.  Devotion.  Gifts.  And, yes, money too.  Everything that I have.  Everything that I am.  I invest it all.  Or I hide it.  Bury it.  As the one servant did in the story.
I am learning about wise investments.  The kind that have nothing to do with money.  The kind that have to do with emotions.  Time.  Feelings.  I am learning that in order to be a wise emotional investor, I MUST invest in those who think that I'm worth investing in as well.  That doesn't mean that there can't be those in my life that are "charity cases."  Pro bono, as it were.  But, overall, my emphasis should be on investing in those who also see me.  Encourage those who also build me up.  Give time to those who are glad to give time to me.  It seems that I have spent much of my life trying to be enough so that someone would think that I was worth it.  The thing is.....I AM worth it.  I don't have anything to prove.  But, I DO have gifts to share, love to give and dreams to fulfill.  And, I do have the ability to see the gifts in others, receive their love and help them to achieve their own dreams.
I have spent WAY too much time in a poor investment.  It pretty much depleted my pocket book and almost took my life savings.  Glad that I caught on before that happened.
But, that's the past.  From here on out.....I will invest wisely.  And remember to be invested in as well.
grace to you.

Smelly

You know when it happens.  You walk in and you smell it.  The unmistakable odor of cat poo.  You look all around, sure that you are going to see a pile somewhere.  But, you just can't find it.  It reeks.  You feel ready to hurl.  Where in the world is it?  How come it's so hard to find when the smell is so pungent?  Then, in a moment of realization, you lift up your shoe to find that YOU are where the smell is.  You stepped in it.  It is walking around with you.
Bitterness is like that.  It sticks to the soul and causes a stench.  A life that could emit a pleasing aroma, becomes rank.  It becomes putrid.  Bitterness comes when you wittingly or unwittingly "step" in something foul.  It touches your life.  And, it changes you.  Cruelty.  Unfairness.  Unkindness.  Unfaithfulness.  Stinky things all.  But, if they aren't cleaned off right away, they walk around with you.  Becoming what defines you.  The "odor" of your life.
I want something different.  I can be angry about a situation without becoming bitter.  I can see that something was wrong and choose to walk on without carrying it with me.  But, that's the thing.....I have to choose.  And getting rid of the stinky mess on your shoe or in your life is NEVER pleasant.  However, it reaps a great reward.  Freedom.  To walk.  To be pleasant.  To give off something good.  To be a blessing rather than a curse.
So....you stepped in it.  You finally realize: "it's me that stinks."  Whatcha' gonna' do about it?  Choose to clean it off......and go on in life.  A sweet perfume to  those who meet you.
grace to you.

Pain

Pain.  I know a lot about it.  Not simply from observing, but from experience.  My body has experienced immense amounts of pain in the last decade.  The thing that has always pushed me closest to the edge is the headaches that come with all of my musculoskeletal pain.  It used to cause me so much distress in the night that I wasn't sure that I could make it.  Pain like I can't even describe.  With the horror of it being even worse when I try to sleep.  And apparently, the most I can hope for is pain management.  Which I do.  But not with strong drugs.  Not with any of those things you see on commercials with the long list of side effects.....I have enough troubles in my life.
So, what I have learned with pain is that the key to releasing the pain of joints and tendons is to stretch it.  Move it differently than I typically move it.  Hold it in a different position.  Make it do something different.  It's......uncomfortable.  It's......really hard to do when I'm already hurting so much.  And, it's always when I'm really exhausted and weary from dealing with the pain.  But, I've learned that it helps, so I do it.
I've learned that it helps with pain in my emotional life too.....do something different.  Behave differently.  Make new decisions.  It's hard.  I'm worn out....tired.  Hurting.  But, it DOES help.
The other thing that I have learned is that my attitude is the biggest battle that I will ever fight.  What I want to be.  How I want to live.  I could simply sit down and give up.  I could just whine all of the time....I DO whine some of the time.  I could give in.  Sometimes I do.  Cry and mope.  But, most of the time, I STAND.  I work hard to live as normally as possible.  Pain and exhaustion aside, I choose to LIVE.   And, the same in my emotional life.  I could just say that I got a bum deal, that life isn't fair, that I am not going to do it anymore....but, instead, I work through WHO I really want to be.  HOW I want to be.  I desire compassion. I desire truth.  I desire hope.  I desire goodness.  I desire peace.  I want to BE more than I am today.  I want to grow.  I refuse to let anyone in the world take away that desire.  And I refuse to take it away from myself by having a defeatist attitude.SPain is a part of my life.  As I sit here writing, I HURT.  Not a little discomfort...this is a rough night.  But I want to write.  I want to be a writer.  I want to be committed to the things that are important to me even when I am afraid that I can't.  I want to work through my fear.  And, I want to be gentle enough with myself to be able to say no and to rest when I know I need to.
Tonight I will go to bed early enough to accommodate for awakening every 1-2 hours.  And tomorrow, I will get up and face the day with the courage and peace that Jesus provides.  I'm no superhero.  Just a person who lives every day knowing that His strength truly IS  perfected in my weakness.  And the thing is, I have nothing to fear.....I NEVER disappoint nor surprise Him.  He loves me and stays with me.
Pain is ever present.  And so is the battle against it.  Not to diminish it.....but to conquer the fear that it leaves in it's wake.  Today I was victorious.  I hope to be tomorrow as well.  But, if I'm not....then I'll just get up and try it the next day.  And the next after that.  Until the end of my days.
grace to you.

Seeing the Beautiful

Some say that seeing beauty is a feminine trait, but I disagree.  I think that it is a Godly trait.  A learned and cultivated trait.  It's something that we strive for as we long to see things as the Creator sees them
So....I taught my children from young ages to see and appreciate the beautiful.  The good and the excellent.  The sunrises and sunsets.  Ocean waves crashing.  The many colors of green leaves.  The mountains as the sun begins to set behind them.  The perfection of new fallen snow.  The amazing crystals that form frost....and the glittery reflection in the morning light.  The moon in the fall.  The lightening over the plains.  Rain coming down in sheets.  Stars twinkling.  The newborn baby toes.  A nursing puppy.  A flower just getting ready to bloom.  Everything all around, just waiting to be noticed.  To be truly seen and appreciated.
I taught this lesson well.  And, now, when I hear them noticing the snow capped mountains or the bald eagle on a wire.......I smile.  For I know that I have helped them to see with the eyes of their God.  As He made things for them to see.  And that in this practicing, they will see the beauty in others as well.
grace to you.

Dear One

Sweet Man Child,
Do you remember those days of clarity of mind?  When you remembered how good it was to be told the truth?  To be challenged?  Do you yet remember those times when your mind was not numbed by chemicals, your soul and spirit muted?  Do you ever think about those wonderful days when you chose to live free of those things that stimulate or depress?  When you actually realized that you weren't in control.  But that indeed, those chemicals were in control.  Your body dependent in order to function.  To feel.  To stop feeling.  To go to sleep.  To wake up.
Do you remember when you realized how deeply your family loved you?  How after everything, they held you dear in their hearts.  When you lied.  When you stole.  When you screamed.  When you ran away.  When you lashed out.  When you ignored them.  When you threatened their peace and safety.  When you worried them.  Yet, do you remember how they stood with you?   Beside you?  Praying.  Uplifting.  Encouraging.  But, telling the truth.  Not lying to you as those others did.
Do you remember the ones who would have left you for dead from alcohol poisoning in order to save themselves from trouble?  Who spewed horrible things about you and the ones who love you when you began to recover?  Do you remember how little they cared?  How they ran away?  Do you see how you love the ones who are simply using you?  And use the ones who really love you?
Oh why does it seem that you have forgotten all of the good that you were going to do?  The way you longed to help your mama.  The promises you made to your siblings.  Why have you chosen to follow the path of the chemically dependent?  Don't you remember how empty it left you?  With only rebellion and anger to hold onto?  Why must you battle with all who actually care?  Why do you push away those who long to look up to you?  Why do you choose defiance and deceit over peace and kindness?
The truth is that I don't know.  And I'm not sure that you know.  But I will remember for you who you want to be.  I will hold onto your dreams and treasure them until you are ready to pick them up again and nurture them along.
Oh, live your life with care.  Think through your choices.  For I do not want your dreams to be all I have left of you.  I love you.  You are dear.  You are precious.  But I will never settle for allowing you to live a life that makes a mockery of the commitments you have made.  I won't bow to trying to be popular with you or your supposed friends.  Because you were made for so much more.  A mind full of ideas.  Abilities to think and draw and create.  A strong body.  A strong spirit.  No, I won't settle.  I love you now.  In this moment.  But I love the one I know.  Not the one you pretend to be in your effort of self assertion.  Of defiance.  Of  rebellion.  Getting to choose, getting to be a grown up doesn't mean that you have to prove it by making the BAD choices.  It means that you get to choose what is good and decent for you.
I miss you, dear one.  I look forward to your return.
grace to you.

What Leaks Out

In life, I'm going to get hit.  Oh, not physically, but by circumstances, troubles, trials, pains, and fears.  And when I get hit, it causes holes.  I want those holes to leak out hope.  Peace.  Joy.  Faith.  I want to be full of such things.  When hit, I don't want bitterness, anger and hatefulness to be what seeps out.  Instead,  I want to get those things out of the way and make a haven for the good stuff.  An abode for the things that I love and desire to be.
So, getting rid of the ugly, icky, nasty stuff is important.  And focusing instead on the good, beautiful and excellent.  I spent too long trying to hold the bad in...that just means that I'm holding onto it.  I don't WANT it!!
I have a life to live and I don't need to carry along worries and other baggage.  Nope.  Travelin' light.
grace to you.

Sunshine

My life is full of sunshine.  The things that warm me.  Make me feel cozy.  And, even when there are "clouds", the sun remains.  Keeping the clouds from overtaking my life.  My hopes.  But, my day depends on my perspective.  Some days, those clouds seem so dark.  So powerful.  So overwhelming.  And, instead of being thankful for the sun that still provides warmth....I begin to worry.  Worry that the sun will go away.  It never has. Every day for all of my life and for all of the lives before me, it has sustained and brought warmth.  Yet.  Somehow.  Some days.  Those days.  I just fear.  Down to my toes.  I worry.  I fret.  But, the sun still stays.  Though I don't acknowledge it or feel thankful.  Though I allow my worry to steal my joy and thankfulness.
Each day is my choice.  How to live.  What to focus on.  Who to spend time with.  How to conduct myself.  I can't choose for others.  I can't dissipate the clouds.  But, I CAN see the sun through the clouds and choose to remember that clouds come and go but the sun remains.  Always.  And I can choose to be thankful.  Comforted.  I get to choose.  I have to remind myself everyday.
"Hey, sunshine, I see you there in the midst of those clouds and I just want to say thanks for showing up every day!!  For staying.  For bringing hope.  For being constant.  THANK YOU!!!!"
grace to you.

Neverending Story

This love of my kids is an all consuming amazingly busy all of life experience  Tonight is a cross country dessert banquet.  I don't like crowds.  Don't like visiting with people in that chatty manner.  BUT, I do like supporting my boys.  I DO like being their mom and seeing them shine.  I do like seeing them with their friends.  And that's the thing....it's not about me, it's about them.  Their lives.  Their choices.  Their successes.  And they are doing so well with doing those things.  Doing so well making and keeping friends.  Oops, wrote fiends and had to correct that. ;)  One letter can really change the meaning....
This story began and it will never end.  From the moment of my first pregnancy my life has not been my own.  It belongs to a whole group of people.  And that is ok.  My husband has missed out on his .life being about them. He never much asks what is going on in their lives and they don't much volunteer anything about it.  It's sad, but his choice.  He likes the parts that make him look good.  That make him be in the center.  He likes to talk to everyone.  Somehow, it always ends up about him.
This neverending story is my best and greatest legacy.  Life that will continue.  Things learned that they will pass along.  Traditions begun and continued.
Tiring?  Yep.  But in the very best kind of way.  Fulfilling.  Beautiful.  Blessing.  To me.
grace to you.

Getting It Together

I had a very brave weekend.  And I am very thankful.  Had a party for my son who is going to be 17.  That was fun.  I didn't panic much.  I had moments of anxiety, but they were tolerable and beyond that, I realized that I can do this.  That my husband's view of me doesn't have to be my view of me.  That I don't need to carry the anxiety and pain for every time he makes his digs or tries to make me uncomfortable.  I can simply enjoy what IS.
It is notable that he didn't help at all.  Didn't get a card.  Didn't help set up.  Didn't help clean up.  But, he can't stand it when I put everyone at the same table.  I held my ground and didn't let him remove the places.  I don't like for people to show up and not have a place.....makes them feel excluded or unexpected.  I want them to feel welcome.  And I get to choose.  I plan the event.  I do the shopping. I got the chairs and made the table big.  I get to choose.  I am allowed to feel welcoming to more than just him.
I am getting my life together.  Learning that I can be strong without being a b****.  But, also learning that when I am strong, some think of me as a b****.  Kinda weird.  But, I guess that I can live with it.  Because the alternative just doesn't work.
Now, don't think that I need it all my way all of the time.  I don't.  Give and take is ok with me.  I am just getting to the point where I can choose for myself how important something is to me.  And whether to give in, give up or......stand firm.  Without guilt.  Without resentment.  Without meanness.  Just firm.  Unmoving.  It's harder to do than simply getting angry.  And, while angry has a time and place, some situations just don't warrant my anger.  Sometimes all it needs is for me to say no.
Have to say though....it did wear me out.  Between the headache from hell that has been raging and the emotional struggles.....I feel wrung out.  That's ok.  I can rest and grow strong for yet another day.  I don't have to battle all of the time.  I can just be me.  What a thought.  He doesn't like it much.  So, he didn't help clean up.  Nor speak to me after others left.  And what he probably didn't realize is that it really didn't matter. I'm fine doing for myself and the kids.
I'm going to be ok.  I can feel myself breathing easier.  Getting stronger. Believing that I might be an ok person.  That perhaps...maybe....it's not all my fault because I'm simply unlovable.  Maybe HE doesn't love me, but that doesn't mean that I wasn't worth it.  And it's not just a thought anymore, it's becoming real.
in.  out.  in.  out.  in.  out.  in.  out.  in.  out.
Breathing feels good.  It shouldn't be only for special occasions.
grace to you.

An Inheritance From the Lord

My children are definitely my greatest inheritance.  Their smiles.  Words of wisdom.  Kindness.  Growing.  Messing up.  Messiness.  Helpfulness.  Searching.  Finding.  They are just simply gifts.  Worth every day of this troubled marriage.  And I never want to forget how I got them.  Given.  Blessed.  Not because I was good or doing anything right, but because God in His mercy knew that I would need them as much as they need me.  We are quite the team.  Can do just about anything.  Strong.  I know that the reason that the older ones have resentment towards their dad is because of how he treats me....and them.....that he doesn't recognize what we do right.  But no matter what he thinks or how he lives or how he thinks about me....I have been given a forever inheritance.  A legacy.  Generations.  I am so blessed.  God has answered every prayer in giving me the strength to raise these kids.  Especially those boys without a dad to give encouragement.  At least he wasn't someone who beat them.  Or drunk.  He might not have built up or helped to grow them spiritually, but he didn't forbid it either.  So, though there are negatives, it could have been worse.  I am blessed.  Truly.  Without a doubt.
Do I wish it had been different?  Sure.  I wish that he had really loved me.  For who I am.  How I am.  I wish that he could really see how great these kids are.  But all he sees is what isn't.  He has glimpses.  He tries to follow some rules to do the right thing.  But, it's just not there.  And, that's too bad.  But, it's not the end of the world.  It is simply what is.  And I am not God.  I don't have to fix it or make it all better.  Love that.
grace to you.

Alone

I have done so much more all alone than I actually did when I was single.  What I realize now is that doing that wasn't that big of a deal...until he began to criticize and tell me how I was doing it wrong.  I was supposed to do it all.  Live like a single parent.  And yet he was supposed to be the one to get the credit for the good and give grief for the troubles.  Honestly, there were a lot of troubles in the past.  We had an adopted son do things that I never imagined would be a part of my family story.  Ever.  But my husband wasn't strong for the rest of us.  He didn't stand.  He blamed.  Ran.  And then....acted like nothing had happened with our adopted son.  It's a habit. Not healing but faking.
So, alone, I have worked my buns off to teach my kids how to live.  How to relate.  How to be honorable.  How to give of themselves.  How to put the work into their family.  How to make it through the painful things.  And I tried and tried to be that way with my husband.  But he left me a long time ago.  I have lived alone within marriage.  Except for sex.  Which just exacerbated problems.
And today I realized that I'm healing.  But not as a twosome.  All of these years I've tried to get better but I couldn't....because I tied it all to how he was doing.  To how we were doing.  And now I kow that I"m my own person as well and I have to let her heal.  Because without her there is no "us" available.
So, alone in marriage.  But not alone in life.  Not at all.
And in this last week, my life has changed drastically.  Getting stronger by leaps and bounds.  I don't have to do anything I don't want to.  And I can do anything through Jesus.  He walks with me everywhere all of the time.  Yippee!!!
Dancey dancey.  Joy joy.  Peace.  Life IS a blessing.  Each breath.
grace to you

Dancing

A couple of days ago, I was in my kitchen cooking.  And suddenly, completely out of the blue, I was dancing.  Crazy, fun filled dancing.  Without hesitation.  Without fear.  Joy.  Arms pumping.  Legs jumping.  Giggling.  Singing.  Absolutely silly.  Alone in my kitchen.  Dancing before the Lord.  No, not like David....I kept my clothes on.  But a sense of freeness came over me.  As if I'd been released from being bound.  Hope permeated my soul.  I exulted.
In my past 20 years, I have had very few moments where I don't feel self conscious.  My husband lets me know that he is such a good dancer.  And that I'm not.  He has always been disappointed in that.  And, even though I have tried, it's always awkward.  But, a few times, I have had a great partner leading and it was so.....easy.  That's how it was dancing the other day.  Easy.  Free.  No stress.  Just enjoyment of life.  I loved it.  I love remembering it.  It makes me smile.
Me.  Uninhibited.  confident.  Dancing.  Who knows what life may hold?
grace to you.

Living Joyfully

Being joyful doesn't mean a trouble free life.  Past or present.  It doesn't mean easy relationships.  Nor an abundance of money.  Or things.  Being joyful isn't based on circumstances nor on position.  Being joyful depends on me.  I can only live joyfully when I accept my responsibility when I am mean, wrong, unkind, stupid acting, selfish, whiney, judgemental, withdrawn.......whatever I am and however I behave.  It is MY responsibility.  Which, in turn, means that other people's behavior is NOT my responsibility. To a degree, I am responsible for my kids' behaviors...and for teaching and training them what is acceptable and that they must own their own behavior and consequences.  But, I am not responsible for how my husband feels or behaves.  I am responsible for what I do with it.  When someone is mean to me, that doesn't excuse me behaving badly as well.
I am allowed to be joyful.  As a matter of fact, it is my gift from the King.  He came that I might have joy...and have it ABUNDANTLY.  Not sparsely for special occasions.  No, for every day use.  No matter what is going on.  No matter how I've been treated.  No matter what others think of me.  I can only own my part in anything.  And then I am free to latch onto the joy of knowing that He can work all things for good in my life.  And strangely, while doing so, can work things for good in the lives of those who wish me harm too.  That's what makes Him God.
I love being with my friends who are joyful.  Not that they never have troubles.  Not that they hide it or fake it or behave as if it doesn't matter.  Not at all.  They just leak joy through the holes that come from the pains.  By making a choice.  It's so pleasant.  Like fresh water on a hot day.
I purpose to live joyfully.  Not standing in the cloud of his discouragement or disapproval but rather in the sunshine of the Son.  I Can.  And I will.  I get to choose.
grace to you.

Frugal vs. Stingy

I like being frugal.  Buying groceries that are on sale.  Buying second hand.  Looking for shoes on sale.  Re-using.  Handing down.Finding it beside the road.  Going to garage sales.  Thrift stores.  Auctions.   It's a lot of fun.  It's challenging.  It brings a sense of accomplishment.  The tennies I'm wearing right now, one of my sons wore to run in middle school.  He promptly outgrew them.  My jeans are from the thrift store....as are my t-shirt, undershirt and hoodie.  My hoodie says "life is good."  My jewelry is made out of old bits of jewelry by a creative and talented friend.  I bought my barrette.  And my underwear.  New, I mean.  The car I am sitting in as I write this is 17 years old with over 310,000 miles on it.  The gold on my fingers came from my grandma.  Oh, and on my thumb is a ring that I bought for a dollar to replace my grandpa's wedding ring that I lost.  My dishes were mostly bought second hand.  Much of my furniture too.  And my yard things.  And my piano.  I got my kids new. ;)  What I am trying to say is that I am not extravagant.  Not usually.  But sometimes I like to give extravagantly.  Without a second thought.  Without any guilt.  With glee.  With delight.  Not flambouyantly.  Just happily.
But my husband treats me like I am a spendthrift.  I do get coffee.  Go out to get a burger.  Not every day.  Not even every week.  But, when I do, it's a treat.  I don't want to feel guilty about it.  But he is all about guilt.  And I'm sick of it.  That's how I learned the difference between frugal and stingy.  Frugal comes from caring and from wanting to do what is good.  From wanting to be wise.  But, stingy stems from fear.  From a viewpoint that says that no matter what you will never have saved enough.  Or kept enough.  I used to try to get it.  Used to think that it was a joke.  But, it's not.  He is self centered.  He wants for himself.  He fails to even see what others need.  When he goes through the socks and matches them, he takes ALL of the ski socks and men's athletic socks.  He has three drawers STUFFED full of socks.  For real.  You can barely open them.  He will complain that he hasn't bought new clothes in...however long....he wants me to buy them for him.  I used to.  Until I learned that it's just a way to show that I'm not monetarily conservative.
He will never be happy.  Never allow himself to feel truly blessed or rich.  We are rich as far as most of the world's population.  Not as far as being among the elite in the U.S.  He will say that he is thankful, but his actions and words always show that I'm not doing enough to make "his" money go further.
Makes it hard now that I'm working.  He wants to monitor that money too.  And, in a healthy marriage, it would be good to do that together.  But, in our marriage, I need to have this on my own.  It's so bad that I almost wanted to QUIT getting a paycheck.  He's rahter too tuned into trying to figure out what I am making. What I am doing with it.  If I tell him that I got a kid something, he makes them feel badly.  I just can't win.  Can't make it peaceful.  He leaves no room for grace for anyone else.  No room for kindness.  If someone else has a need, his is always more.  If someone else got something, he should have gotten it.  It wears me out.
I like frugal.  But stingy is hurtful.  So, I will live differently.  I will not allow him to rule and invade my thoughts so much regarding money.  Because it hurts me deep inside.  Even when I don't realize it.  I am going to live joyously.  Happily.  With abundance.  Of joy.  Of peace.  Of grace.  Of wisdom.  Of compassion.  Of generosity.  Of sharing.  Of love.  He does not get to choose for me.  I've made a mistake for way too long of letting him.  My choice was faulty.  But today is a new day.
grace to you.

With Courage

I was brave tonight.  It doesn't mean that I enjoyed the uncomfortable parts, but I went to a big event, socialized with the people from church and didn't once allow the "guilt" feelings to override the fact that I am allowed to be there.  My husband sang with the back up singers for the woman doing the music.  He hung around me.  I had some moments where I was freezing cold.  Nervous.  I got cornered a few times.  Asked what I've been up to.  Why I'm not around.  It's hard.  I want to be kind about it all.  But sometimes I just wanna say, "because my marriage sucks and it's just too hard to sit here and pretend that everything is ok....".Blah.
But the night was GOOD.  Mostly, because my friend's art show was a great success.  It was so gratifying to see people "get" what she made.  A lot of fun.  And also good because I had the courage to suck it up and do it.  Go and not just help get it ready, but stick it out.  Kinda mingle.  All on my own.  Of course....with a camera in hand.  That makes it easier.  But, I walked with courage.  I chose to do what I wanted without being influenced by others' feelings or attitudes.
Yippee!!!  It was a blessing.  Little victories.
Of course, my husband was so helpful there but went ahead and drove the car home on empty knowing that I have to leave early with out son who has a morning race.  Funny how that helpfulness is so much more around others.  Why bother, I wonder.  Oh well.  Guess he needs it.
Courage.  Knowing something is going to be scary and doing it anyway.  That's me.  I'm one courageous mama.
grace to you.

Drawing Nearer

All week I have spent time bolstering my courage.  Knowing that there are times in life when we simply have to put our own fears, comfort and desires aside and step up and do what is really important.  Something like that is happening this week.  Something that I desperately want to do and at the same time absolutely am not sure that I CAN do.  So....I decided.  Early in the week.  I sat myself down and gave myself a talking to.  "This is an event that you would never miss.  Not in a million years.  There are going to be people there who will make you uncomfortable.  But, only if you let them.  You have a choice about how you feel when you are there.  You get to decide what is important to you and what is not.  You get to choose what to listen to.  You are free to speak. Free to enjoy.  Free to live.  You have no obligation to explain.  Or apologize.  Or try to fit in.  You can simply be yourself.  You are strong.  You are able.  You live, move and have your being in One who is greater than you.  He will lift up your head.  Be your strength and your encourager.  Go.  Have fun.  Live in abundant joy.  It is His gift.  And nobody else gets to take it away."
And, amazingly, I kinda' listened.  Though my heart still races a bit.  And my mind wanders to the what ifs if I allow it to.  I know that I can do it.  More importantly, I WILL do it.  And that makes me feel pretty accomplished.  I am healing.  A little at a time....but healing definitely.
grace to you.

Dabbler

I've been thinking a lot about my writing.  I think that perhaps I am more of a dabbler than a "real" writer.  I love to connect.  To make people smile.  Or feel understood.  But, I'm not really a professional.  I often choose to use fragments.  It's part of my style.  I begin sentences with and.  Purposefully.  Knowingly.  With care.  Yet still.... that means that I am not a real writer.
For me writing is cathartic.  It puts the hurt or pain in a place away from me.  It allows me to "store" negative feelings in a place that is safe.  I don't feel a need to hold on to them and try to remember.  It also gives me the opportunity to share with others what it is to be a woman who struggles.  Who has hurts.  Who is not perfect.  Who does not have the perfect life.  Yet can live with great delight. (that's, a little stolen quote from my friend "live imperfectly with great delight.)  I love the word delight.  It's so uplifting.  Maybe because it's "light"?
For me, writing is playful.  It's time to chat and enjoy.  It's a simple pleasure.  Like having a cup of tea and reading a good book.  No stress.  Free.  Relaxed.  Comfortable.  There is hardly anything that I do that brings me so much peace.  
For me, writing is nurturing.  It can uplift someone.  It can uplift ME.  Sharing happy thoughts.  Thankfulness.  Blessings.  Pointers.  Foibles.  What not to do.  It's like getting a hug via words.  And, sometimes that's all we've got.  Because we're too far away for the real thing.  Yet, words can wrap themselves around us and bring comfort and love.  Sometimes my writing nurtures me by reminding me of what I want others to know.  That they are incredibly loved.  Wanted.  Cherished.  Treasured.  Adored.  Necessary.  Full of possibility.  And, in that reminding, I am changed.  Uplifted.  Encouraged.  Blessed.  Like it came from someone else.  Yeah, I know.  It IS strange.  Yet, it's true.
But, I'm a dabbler.  No great huge platform.  No talk shows.  No thousands of people on my social networking sites.  As a matter of fact, I work to keep my facebook below 200.  Though, today I thought about really going for it and seeing how many friends I could have as fast as I can.
You see, to be a real writer, I need an agent.  And, to get an agent, I need a platform.  And to get a platform, I have to have some really great book all ready.....and write about it online and blah blah blah.  And, I don't know that I have any of that.
What I have is a heart that wants to share.  To let people know that they aren't alone.  And whether I ever publish or simply reach one or two, it doesn't really matter.  I will write.  I won't worry about the rest.  Oh, I WILL think about it.  I will decide if I want to invest all of me into a book.  But the thing is....how do I remain anonymous and do book signings??? Ha.  Dilemma.  All in good time.....
For now, I'm a dabbler.
grace to you.

Owies

I'm a fairly careful person.  I don't rush headlong into danger.  I don't have road rage.  I don't yell obscenities inciting those who do.  I use the basic precautions.  But, sometimes, I still get owies.  An accident.  Like the burn I got when getting the cookies out of the oven while talking on my cell to my college so on.  I used an inadequate pot holder.  I felt it burn my finger and I jostled it to move it a bit, but instead, I tipped it too much and it tipped right onto the top of my pointer finger.  At first, it hurt.  Then, amazingly, it didn't.  It went so deep that I guess it got the nerves.  It was an ashy white color about and inch and a half long.  Kind of fascinating.  In the next days, the burn turned into a deep cut looking line.  Meat red.  Raw.  Still didn't really hurt.  The skin had all sloughed off.  The muscle underneath was visible.  Still....kinda fascinating.  Then, it scabbed over and began to heal.  The burn itself didn't hurt, but the finger did.  And the perimeter of the burn.  Ouch.  Funny how the healing process is when it started to hurt.  I bought Lanacane Antibiotic Spray.  Relief.  Numbing.  And, it kept healing.  The scab actually turned into  leather like skin and peeled off....on half of the burn.  The other half was still scabbed.  The scab was a smooth feeling bumpy line.  I liked rubbing my thumb along it.  Experiencing it.  In all of my life, I had never had such a deep burn.  A pink oval surrounded what was left of the scab.  Like pulled skin trying to stretch across and fill the void that had burned away.  Still healing.  But, showing that it's going to leave a scar.  A place that reminds me of what happened.  Even when it is finally healed and doesn't hurt anymore.  And when it's all healed, I can choose to continue to worry about it, think about it, put medicine on it.....or, I can recognize that it is healed.  It is ok.  I can move on.  I can live normally.  Ever so often stopping and noticing it and remembering how long it took to heal.  Being thankful that it didn't get infected.  That the finger was saved.  That I am whole.  Though scarred.
It's like that with emotional owies too.  Sometimes they strike so deeply that we can't even feel it until we begin to heal.  And when we do, the pain hurts all over...not just in the area that we are injured.  I am finding that in my journey.  Finding that it took me a long time to recognize that I had a deep enough "burn" that it needed attention.  That I couldn't just ignore it and live around it.  I had to find a way to truly heal.  To get better.  To stay whole.  Because gangrene could threaten.  I could lose parts of myself to infection.  I chose to begin getting better.  And that decision caused pain.  Discomfort.  But, I keep on healing.  And the painful places get smaller.  The scar is beginning to form.  And, one day, it will just be things that I look back on as a memory.  They won't hold power over me anymore.  Unless I choose to let them.  Focus on the bad.  Grow bitter. I don't choose that.  I choose true healing.  I don't have to stay mad.  I don't have to stay hurt.  And yet those hurts are still valid.  They happened.  They left a scar.  And now it's on to new living.
I still use my oven.  Still bake cookies.  I didn't give up what I enjoy because I got burned.  I am careful.  But, honestly, I was careful before.  It didn't keep me from getting hurt.  So, in my emotional life, I'm not going to quit being me.  Quit having relationships.  I'm not going to spend my life worrying about the  next burn.  Instead, I'm going to enjoy all of the times that I've had and will have cookies WITHOUT being burned.
grace to you.

Hiking

I like to go for walks.  I used to really like to go hiking.  Maybe I will again.  Something I have always observed is that at the hardest point of the journey, when I really want to give up and turn around....that's right before the moment of beauty.  When I climbed up trails, the destination was often a lake or a peak or occasionally a waterfall.  A tranquil spot.  Waiting up ahead.  But, I would get so tired.  So ready to simply go back.  And hungry.  And thirsty.  And blisters on my feet.  And sweaty.  Or cold.  And sore.  Pretty miserable, really.  But, I would keep going simply because of the place I wanted to see.  The joy that I knew was before me.  Waiting for me.
I think that is what faith is in my life.  Knowing that there is always a place coming up that will be tranquil, restful and beautiful.  Even if it's not the end "place".  That there will be provision along the journey.  That turning around means certainly missing what lies ahead.  And stopping means stopping in an uncomfortable place.  No, faith is believing that there is a waterfall with flat rocks to sit upon and a lunch in the backpack.  It's knowing that there will be sunshine and warmth and a place for a nap.  Faith believes even though it hasn't seen it yet.  And every time I keep going and find that place, it builds my faith to keep on going to the next.  And the next.  And the next.
I am a faith walker.
grace to you.

Revelation

Last night.  In the middle of a very long night...headache from hell.....I had a revelation that was really strange considering my condition and discomfort.  I have made choices that are making me happy.  When I had to get up and work at getting rid of my headache, I didn't have to worry about someone else.  I used to be guilted that he couldn't go back to sleep.  Mercy.  I put up with that kind of behavior...having to protect him ALL of the time...even when I was having a needy moment.  And last night, I got to get up and take care of myself without that stress. It was WONDERFUL.  And though my life might not look like others think it should, that doesn't matter.  I am in a place where I am at least able to function.  Able to sleep when I need to...at least generally.
And, I am strong.  Because I made these choices.  And I stuck to them.  Even though it has been amazingly hard.  I am finding out that I am able.  I am remembering again that I do know what I need.  And that I don't need to get permission to do what I need.  That's what happened.  Over the years, it became more and more clear that doing or having what I need was unacceptable, so I crushed it into a ball and tried to get rid of it.  But, just like when I ball up paper to throw it away, after awhile, it opens back up and takes up more space.  The feelings and needs could only stay crushed for so long.
And the other good revelation was that I am happier because I am not looking to him or how to feel about me.  It used to be that I felt that if he was happy then I must be a good wife.  Hmmm.  Maybe so, but I wasn't a good person.  I wasn't even really my own person.  I was simply an extension of what he wanted and needed.  And you know what?  People who love us help us to be who WE are.  They see our personality, dreams, desires, wants....and they help us to make them come true.  And they actually listen to us when it's not about them.  It's funny...it's still that way with him.  He asks cursory questions about me in an effort to do what he "needs" to so that I'll go back to meeting his needs.  But, really....he doesn't listen.  He still, after over a year, doesn't know what I did in the schools I taught in last year.  No clue.  Yet, he can remember everything....songs, statistics, dates, trivia.....it's not a memory problem.  It's an interest problem.  I don't interest him.
And that's ok.  I can be happy.  He can be happy.  Life is far from over.  Lots of living left to do.  Though some things really hurt....I am learning to choose.  And to follow through.  And that's a good thing.
grace to you.